‘There’s No Such Thing As Too Much Sex,’ writes Dylan Jones in a piece calling out slut-shamers
Originally published on attitude.co.uk
I am currently in something called a “monogamous relationship”. It makes a nice change, partly because I’ve slept with more guys in the last four years than most people have in their entire lives – except Paris Lees, she could probably give me a run for my money.
That’s not a boast or bravado or anything. It’s a fact. I’ve had that same moment in the STI clinic that Samantha had in Sex and the City: silent, confused head-counting when the nurse asks how many sexual partners you’ve had. I actually still wouldn’t be able to figure it out, even if I sat down and made a spreadsheet. I imagine it’s somewhere around the four hundred mark. An average of two every week for four years. And that’s not even counting weekends.
I’m not remotely insecure about it. I have absolutely no shame. Otherwise I wouldn’t be admitting it here. Well, “admitting” is the wrong word to use. People admit things when they’ve done something wrong. I’m not admitting. I’m just, you know… telling you, to give all this a bit of necessary context.
Dylan Jones
A few months back, I was at a party and the subject of sexual headcount came up, as it often does. I gave my (estimated) figure, and a creature wearing a Topman t-shirt and a judgemental brand of hair gel piped up: ‘Oh so you’re a slut then?’ I didn’t know how to respond. I think I squeaked out a ‘yes’, but on the night-bus home and stewing in a tipsy stupor, I thought, as we all have, of the multitude BETTER RESPONSES I could have given, or questions I could have asked him in return.
Like, what’s your definition of ‘slut’? What does the word ‘slut’ even mean? Is there a number on it? Like, if you’ve slept with 29 people, you’re not a slut, but if you’ve slept with 30, you are? Is Pamela Anderson a slut? I don’t see her as a slut, I see her as a cultural icon/militant animal rights activist. The word ‘slut’ doesn’t actually bother me. What bothers me is anyone being finitely defined by anything – including the number of people they’ve slept with.
That boy at that party put me on a little blacklist in his head simply because of the number of penises I’ve had in my mouth. But there was a lot about me he didn’t find out. He did not find out, for example, that my favourite condiment is tartar sauce, that I got an A* in English Literature at A-Level, or that Kelly Brooke once stepped over me when I was drunk lying on the pavement on Wardour Street. All potentially very interesting subjects to cover, which he will never find out in his life ever. His loss.
It’s a good example of how close-minded people get themselves into a sort of vicious cycle of close-mindedness: Their close-minded opinions mean they’re too close-minded to listen, which makes them even more close-minded, and before they know it, they’re sat at home with no friends watching Goggle box.
It might be interesting to acknowledge at this point that I’ve only ever been slut-shamed by other gay men. Girls are usually fairly indifferent, and straight men are usually envious – to the point where they might download Grindr for a couple of days, think ‘what the fuck am I doing’, delete it, and go down the pub for a nice masc pint.
It’s quite clear to me that the reason a lot of gay men slut-shame is because of their own insecurities. If they encounter someone who’s unapologetically sexually active, it can be threatening, and perhaps makes a little dose of self-loathing homophobia bubble to the surface. Despite how liberal we LIKE to think society is, the sex lives of gay men certainly still isn’t the ‘norm’. If it was, there’d be gay sex scenes in mainstream outlets like adverts and action movies. And there still aren’t. Ever. We’re only allowed in to play supporting roles in TV shows, and only occasionally. But a lot of gay men don’t like talking about sex, and feel they need to hide their sex lives, especially around straight people.
There are other reasons too. For the majority of gay men, sex was a source of stress, and something to be hidden, from a very young age. For older generations, promiscuity has problematic implications because of the AIDS epidemic, and now the younger generations are being taught to find it problematic all over again, with increasing dialogue about Grindr and chemsex. The other day I saw an article with the headline “Are Gay Men Having Too Much Sex?”
How ridiculous. It’s impossible to have too much sex. It’s like saying “Are Gay Men Swimming Too Much?” or “Are Gay Men Listening To Too Much Madonna?” You can have too much sex for the wrong reasons. You can also listen to too much Madonna for the wrong reasons. But as long you’re comfortable with what you’re doing and go about it safely, THERE. IS. NO. SUCH. THING. AS. TOO. MUCH. SEX. How can there be?
Unless you’re religious, there’s no reason why it should have any moral implications for yourself or anyone else. It’s quite simply putting one part of your body into another part of someone else’s body, or vice versa.
In conclusion – if you’re uncomfortable with how much sex I have, you’re entitled to your opinion. Just don’t judge me when you meet me at parties. And use a different brand of hair gel. Who knows, you might even get laid.
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22 Comments
Mandy
May 28, 06:13It comes down to that question slut shamers can’t seem to appropriately answer: ‘How many guys do I sleep with to constitute me being a slut? And who’s the mathematician who gets to categorize these numbers?’
KingBey
May 28, 06:14*coffee in hand* Reading with and nodding head. ☕
Magdiva
May 28, 06:43Funny this exact conversation came up on a group I’m in. My take on it was – however many people one chooses to sleep with and the frequency is no ones business but theirs as long as they are doing it safely (using protection) if not then that kinda become “our” business.
And slut-shaming says a lot about the person pointing the finger than the one who the finger is pointed at.
I’m one of those who enjoys a committed relationship. Doesn’t make me perfect nor does it make me better than someone who doesn’t.
We are all wired differentky And just because I enjoy one brand of cereal (crunchy nuts) no pun intended. Doesn’t mean someone else can’t have a variety if they so choose.
we need to stop helping people mind their businesses and using ourselves as yardsticks to judge others.
#2penceandChange
Kenny
May 28, 07:00It’s quite clear to me that the reason a lot of gay men slut-shame is because of their own insecurities. If they encounter someone who’s unapologetically sexually active, it can be threatening, and perhaps makes a little dose of self-loathing homophobia bubble to the surface.
In conclusion – if you’re uncomfortable with how much sex I have, you’re entitled to your opinion. Just don’t judge me when you meet me at parties. Enuff said
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Francis
May 28, 11:18I can see Kere-baby has taught you how to be wakaing anyhow.kontinu
Kenny
May 28, 11:50*unlooks*
Keredim
May 28, 12:33@Francis, u don dey craze..????
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sensei
May 28, 07:46I must confess, coming to that point where I do not judge or condemn people on the basis of their body count was quite difficult for me. Being prudish and old school, it was hard for me. But I have come to understand a fact that is honestly quite hard to accept. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. And as regards libido and sexual need, we are wired differently. That is just the truth. And please, it goes both ways. If I say the number of people I have slept with, some are likely to shake their heads and wonder why I chose to “waste” my youth.
My only concern now about multiple sexual partners now is the HIV pandemic. So my concern is for health reasons not moral reasons. But if a person does not indulge in risky sex, then that is fine.
Who really is a slut? What body count “cut off” should we use? We’d be surprised that if we agreed on one, most slut shamers would meet there criteria. Lol!
And I cannot say because there is HIV, people should not live anymore. It’s just like saying, because road accidents happen, never leave your house. Death is inescapable…for everyone. So while we all wait for it, we might as well LIVE.
Live your life…on your own terms…be happy…then allow others do the same…
Pink Panther
May 28, 07:58Preach!
Francis
May 28, 11:19I dey your back
Khaleesi
May 28, 07:50This has always been my grouse with slut shaming, whether you fuck 1 man per hour everyday or 1 man per month, how does it make me better or worse than you? Its not my place to judge you on this issue and i wont! If rolling around with lots of random different persons rocks your boat – go for it!
Keredim
May 28, 08:03Please take note, if you have only had sex with one sex partner in the last six months….The rest of us are not abnormal.
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IBK
May 28, 08:59Hmmmm… I get what the article is saying but at the same time I feel it’s telling just one side of the story. There should be such a thing as too much sex. When it becomes an addiction should we tell said person ‘well no judging you.. Just do you girl” meanwhile they are missing important meetings just to get that nearby person or looking for more extravagant ways to get turned on that’s detrimental to their health. That’s the question on my mind.
I try not to judgejudge peeps based on body count however. I’m definitely in no way holier than anyone.
Keredim
May 28, 10:01Well, the article is not talking about sex fueled by sex (or any other)addiction.
He is addressing good old fashioned “lets hook up after work/school or over the weekend” sex. Sex that does not interrupt your livelihood.
Based on that.. “What is too much sex?
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ambivalentone
May 28, 18:39An active sex life doesnt mean u gats be like ‘igbona’ or ‘ileke idi’. Seriously, who has he been having sex with? One-minute men??? Tiny ‘Dick’ Tots??? Abi what is he looking for that he has not found yet? I seriously cannot have had one nice and fat dick that don’t get done like noodles and be looking upandan. He will be on retainer for the worst part, Bae for d best part. So excuse me, u r a slut and d insecure one with A LOT of issue.
Eddie
May 28, 19:15Boo-Hoo, Mr. Ambivalentone…i’m not your typical kinda boy but I think sex is a two-way thing…why do I have to be labelled a slut…what about the guys that fuck me…it’s always us bottoms that get slut-shamed….if the fact that i’m unattached and constantly ogling hot boys and I choose to have sex with any when i’m horny makes me a slut then fuck it…relationships aren’t really my thing anyway
ambivalentone
May 28, 20:27Relax madam. Its a simple fault of mine that my lengthy speeches get to be repetitive and annoying to me. You cud av read in context seeing as I take Dick up d arse. And while I don’t make my sexual lifestyle a yardstick for anyone, The self-acclaimed ‘tops’ who can’t find an arse bubble enuff, or demeanour ‘straight-acting’ enough, or a body ‘twinkish’ enuff but willing to plough thru it anyway till they can get their specs (whenever in what eternity they can) are SLUTS. Me I call them ‘aja igboro’. So my dear, ‘ashewohood’ is not for bottoms alone.
Francis
May 28, 20:34?????????????
Brian Collins
May 28, 20:27Where was Max in all of this?
Max 10
May 28, 20:32Holding the door like hordor.. And Girding the demons from hell behind me who are threatening to wreck havoc on this blog.
Ernesto
May 28, 20:29Tbh our straight counterparts are just as sexed up or even more than us. I think the issue really with the gay culture / community is really that all we hear of is the sex, and the almost non existent part on commitment and gratifying relationships. At least they can boast of the latter.
posh6666
May 28, 21:57On behalf of all we sexually active good people of this blog its so nice to know we are not sluts neither is anything wrong with us just because we aint so frigid,uptight and realize you only live once so you gotta have all the mind blowing sex that comes your way.
Btw those that feel body count matters,its fine if you choose to stick to one constant sex patner but if that partner of yours sleeps with a whole lot of others doesnt that defeat your intent?I mean you cant know for sure what your sex partner is doing behind your back…Bottom line safe sex is all that is needed for the fact you have sex with only one person and I choose to sex 3 or more guys doesnt make you better than me.