To All The Boys I’ve Loved (Entry 9)

Dear Dayo,

It still beats me that we haven’t met after all these years of texting each other. Remember we started with Instagram? Your confidence was scary but it kind of made me drawn to you. That’s why I instantly gave you my number when you asked for it. It wasn’t something I’d do at the time, but whatever charm you had, it worked for you.

Remember our never-ending video calls? We never ran out of things to talk about. Speaking of… What happened to your love for photography? I don’t know if it’s me, but with the way you’ve gotten so used to “living for the gram” recently, it feels like you might have been a low-key narcissist who only took photos of other people and objects because he never felt like his camera was good enough to have his own picture taken. That’s by the way though.

I’m glad you’ve finally gotten used to the stress that came with the new job. It’s been over a year so I wouldn’t exactly call it a “new job” anymore. God, I was so excited when you told me about your work. I remember you were gradually losing it from having to stay at home doing nothing. Who wouldn’t? Thank God you didn’t just get the job. You got it and you kept it.

And that was perhaps when things started to go south for us. Having thought about it, I realize it all started with me. Before the job, we had all the time in the world to talk for as long as we wanted. Those were good times, Dayo, really good times. But then work came up and you became less and less available as the days went by. I thought it would pass, as you were just starting up and needed space to adjust to your new life. But it didn’t. In all fairness, you did the best you could. Yeah, I remember those “I love you, goodnight” messages you’d leave after getting worn out at work, in a bid to prove yourself worthy of being retained and climbing up the cooperate ladder.

But then, how was I supposed to know that giving you the break I thought you needed would make us break up? Now that I think about it, I realize we never broke up. We drifted apart and I find it strange. What’s even more strange is the reluctance to reach out as time passed. I’m sorry I didn’t make it to your birthday. It’s true I had a long day and was quite tired, and considering how late your party was, I didn’t want to have to explain myself to those dumb SARS officials at Maryland. That would have been the perfect opportunity to finally meet face to face.

I’m glad you’re okay though. I have made peace with myself and accepted that you’re the one that got away, and that there’s nothing I could do to get us back to where we were before.

So apparently now, we have a mutual friend you have a huge crush on. Yeah he told me. I know I’m not in the best position to advise you right now, but if you would listen, I don’t think you should push for anything with him. I guess he’s told you he’s been in a relationship that has lasted several years? Yeah, that makes any designs you have to get with him dead on arrival. But it’s a good thing you told him how you feel though. I find it hard expressing myself to anyone these days, as I end up becoming the friend they run to for counsel when they’re in a crisis and would never get to see differently.

I should go now. I still think of you. And yeah, it was really thoughtful of you to call. You still look adorable. Like I said, I have made peace with the fact that you are the one that got away and I’m not willing to fight Fate. For now, I’ll stick to replying your status updates I find interesting, and then we can have all those brief conversations that would reoccur months after. You’re a smart man, Dayo. I know you’ll do great wherever life takes you. I hope I get to see you someday. Maybe someday I would.

Till then.

Love, Olly.