UP AND DOWN MEMORY LANE
My name is Michael and I’m a twenty-five-year-old old student. I am an only child. I became aware of my sexuality at an early age. At fourteen, I had my first gay sex. At the time, I was not troubled, didn’t suffer much from internalized homophobia or depression. I was simply curious about my self-awareness. I wanted to know more about what I was doing and about the feelings I had. In the wake of my curiosity came acceptance. I accepted myself. I tried self love and paid less attention to what people said.
For a few months now, I’ve been thinking of starting this series. I wanted to share my stories, personal convictions and ideas, but I’ve held back for two principal reasons. One, I’m not much of a writer. And secondly – and most importantly – I feared the series wouldn’t stand the test of time. When I take in the consistency of James and the regularity of Dennis Macaulay, I get a little frustrated because I suspect I won’t to match such record. But little drops of water form a mighty ocean, they say. So I’ve decided to start and see how far it goes.
I was born and raised in a small town in Delta State. Growing up there as a gay boy was exceptional. I was a bit girly, but I never suffered any form of discrimination. Nobody even used the G-word on me. This is probably because the notion of homosexuality was too distant or nonexistent in my town. The most populous scandals were young girls getting knocked up and moving in with whoever was responsible or coming home to their parents if they are unable to figure out who was responsible. There was simply no talk of or attention on the gay person like me.
In Delta State, just like most Niger Delta regions, there are a lot of rivers and streams, and my small town was not left out. We have quite a few. These rivers are single sex, that is, there are clear demarcations separating the male from the female sections of the water bodies. These demarcations, in the form of hedges, encouraged the males to bathe nude. Stark naked, not even clad in swimming trunks. I remember one dude who always bathed with his shorts on. One day, after several taunts from the other boys over his habit of swimming with his shorts on, the bigger boys teamed up and stripped him naked. It soon became apparent to us that the boy was uncut, and that was the reason he remained clad in the water.
As a ten-year-old then, I didn’t feel anything for these dicks. Seeing all shapes and sizes bouncing about in the nether regions of their owners’ bodies did nothing for me. Even after my first sexual encounter at 14, I still wasn’t affected by the abundant sight of these male specimens. Perhaps this was because I’d become too used to the sight of them before I became sexually aware of myself.
Fast forward to a few years later, when I left my town and moved to Enugu, to an all boys’ secondary school and then subsequently college, learning more about my sexuality, men and dicks as I went, and catching up on stories about guys who cannot spend an hour in the pool without willing themselves not have erections from seeing just dick prints against wet swimming trunks. And it dawned on me: Michael, all those dicks! You had the mother lode and you didn’t even know it! Lol.
And ever since that awareness came to me, whenever I visit my folks for the holiday, I go to bathe at the river, without the mindset of before. I go to ogle the dicks and the asses and the well-toned abs, and to will my erection away, something I never bothered with before now.
*
Being a man is such a big deal. A lot of things are expected from you. As an only child, these expectations are heightened. You are expected to do things a certain way, like grow up fast, make money, marry and start breeding children as soon as possible. So everywhere I turn to, I see people giving me that expectant look. And I get a little panicked because I know something they don’t – and that is that I’m gay.
When I say I’m gay, I don’t mean the type that can pull off the shagging of pussy. What I mean is the finger-waggling, wig-flipping gay man who’d sooner join Christ on Calvary than get anywhere near a vagina.
Being an only child was at once enjoyable and difficult. On the one hand, I had everything in abundance and didn’t have to share with hostile brothers or mean sisters. On the other hand, loneliness was my best friend, especially with a mother like mine. There came a time when I began craving a sibling, someone I could play, eat, sleep and fight with. Most nights, I’d do this thing in my mind where I imagined what it would be like to have a sister or brother. I would create scenarios of the things we would do together, the merciless pranks we would play on family members and get away with. Then I began praying fervently to God, and whenever my mother wore loose-fitting clothes, I observed her midriff closely, watching for any telltale bulges.
My prayers were never answered. And now, at 25, I am feeling the heat of my sole birthright. I get people subtly reminding me of my responsibilities, people around o; my parents haven’t joined the crusade, and I suspect this is so because they are waiting for me to finish my education.
I have plans to fulfill some of those expectations, like getting a good education and making money. But marriage is the part I have not quite figured out yet. As for children, my sights are set on adoption. My family of course would think this is insane. There’s nothing that matters most to the Nigerian family than offspring that was begat biologically. Kinship through blood is very important; kinship through adoption is an unacceptable secondhand. A friend told me that there’s always the option of surrogacy, or a marital contract with a straight woman. Apparently, there were women, straight women, out there who get into contracts such as this all the time: wed a guy, have a child or two with him, stick with him for a year or two, and dissolve the marriage and move on.
Decisions, decisions.
Written by Michael
About author
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29 Comments
Max 2.1
February 20, 06:52Story of our lives…
Highly relatable
ikhines
February 20, 06:58You had me all through bro. I absolutely LOVED this!!! *applauds*… now can we pull the plug on that other weekly thing and just let that man retire?
#TeamKizito
February 20, 07:07Hmmm.
Mandy
February 20, 07:25An only child. An only son. An only daughter. Sometimes a first son. The pressures of expectations placed on these individuals no be here. On some level, their lives aren’t really theirs to live independent of family.
Nice debut, Michael.
PS: Some people sha, even if a new column writer writes a few lines like ‘Hello KDians’, they will still applaud and ask (in a manner that’s become repetitive and boring) for DM to be retired. #TheHateIsReal
Pink Panther
February 20, 07:28Lol. They can talk from now till they’re blue in the face. As long as DM writes, the Rantings will be updated. Why they won’t just waka pass (for all the resentment they have for the series) is beyond me.
ikhines
February 20, 07:33See staffs catching subs… *smirks*
Uziel
February 20, 07:36*grins* ??
Jamie
February 20, 07:56BAAAAAAD boy…. I mean, the enjoyment of stealthily watching those boys without paying for it…lol. I love going to streams shaa…though it’s been very long. After bathing briskly, I’d wear my clothes and then oggle…
Anyway, my case isn’t really different. A first son…and my sibling is way younger than me. Before they come of age, there’ll be expectations…really high ones; or maybe none, since He know.
McGray
February 20, 07:57Oh Mike, although m nt an only child but m sumtin related to dat and i understand exactly hw u feel. Wen ev’ryone expects things from u, things higher than u. But surprisingly I’ve come to be enjoying such expectations, lol. About growing up wia u hv to bath naked with lots of dudes and all, omor, seems we hv sumfin in common. Me i never bath naked. Yes!
McGray
February 20, 08:11I just can’t understand dis unnecessary hatred for DM, i mean his series is one after my own heart dat i never miss. Each series different and with lota new things to learn from. I believe they also learn from it but decided to look d oda way. And d oda time he mentioned he met sum1 who ws saying hw he hated DM and DM being full of himself. My dear be full of yourself if u want oo, like u gat ur life and u gata live it d way pleasing to u. If anyone feels saddened abt it den maybe he too shld learn from u.
chuck
February 20, 09:19Same story. You have to figure out if you want to take part in the traditional system or you like cock too much to be a part of it.
McGray
February 20, 09:27Who doesn’t like cock?? Well, unless there is another cock u hv in mind dat is not chicken.
chuck
February 20, 09:31Irrelevant reply. I’m talking about deciding if he wants to privilege kinship ties over his queer identity. You bring up a dead witticism.
Kenny
February 20, 09:39Nice debut Michael. Your writing will definitely improve with time. Thinking of submitting stuffs to PP too but not sure yet. You and you alone should determine the course you want your life to take, people are talking abi, na today? Develop a thick skin, live your life and do what’s best for you and makes you happy.
Ikhines maybe you should start a series also or send in something from time to time. Be less concerned about someone else’s journal.
Eggsy
February 20, 09:45#TeamOnlyChildren
Dude you have no idea the power you weild over your parents as an only child. Once you figure it out, trust me, they’ll be the one begging you to do the adoption.
bountyhunter
February 20, 10:01pls let that wednesday one called dm take a break… this looks relatable and true… PP thanks for this new fresh guy..
NB: this is my opinion. if you don’t agree, stand infront of your mirror and argue.
Ra
February 20, 16:51Bountyhunter is a fool. You believe you have the ability to share your opinion but stop others from sharing theirs. It shows you are stupid since you don’t understand that your ability to share your opinion includes the ability of others to share their opinion in reply to yours.
P.S. If you, the fool called Bountyhunter, reply this comment it will show you are even twice a fool and a hypocrite. Disgusting waste of space between your ears.
Khaleesi
February 20, 10:13We can never have enough series and diaries and journals, this is nice, DM’s rantings are also topical and refreshing, i eagerly look forward to them every Wednesday. Biko more lube to your manhole – DM! Thanks for this Mike, its a great piece!! I honestly dont know what to say to only sons, it’s a very dicey situation. Yes, you’re queer, but i still think you ought to figure out a way to ‘continue the lineage’ as these things are of utmost importance in most Nigerian cultures. The pressure from the society will only get more and more intense as you get older … I wish you strength and wisdom in whatever further steps you decide to take. The road ahead is going to be very hard and thorny … ***hugs***
chuck
February 20, 11:21I think you should ask ” why should I continue the lineage” more often? There is no good answer.
Francis
February 20, 14:57I don’t understand the fuss with lineage. Of what use is a lineage riddled with armed robbers, murders, touts and what have you?
Max 2.1
February 20, 15:47Touché
ambivalentone
February 20, 16:19Ouch!!! You know u released a nuke there? It wasn’t specific at all
Mr. Fingers
February 20, 11:39Thanks for writing and sharing ur fears with us. The pressures u must be going through right now.
Just look around for a lesbian sister who is having the same pressures from home. U guys can ve two kids, make everyone happy and live ur lives.
Look forward to more writeup from u.
Good luck.
By the way most of these series look the same to me. They always include dicks, sex, hookups, etc so I wonder why u guys are singling out DM’s. Just scroll to the next post if u don’t like his rants.
Ichie RedEyes
February 20, 17:12…..gay woman who’ d sooner join Christ
on Calvary than get anywhere near a
cock.
Mr. Fingers
February 20, 17:20there are some that are into cocks bro.and besides with science she might not even see a cock before she can conceive.
Pink Panther
February 20, 18:07OAN: Fingers do check your mail and get back to me with a reply.
Mr. Fingers
February 20, 22:48Sorry for the late reply. PP.
doe
February 20, 21:02Biko I look forward to DMs series every week…i almost feel like putting him in a glass bottle and watching him live his life…lol…I have tried my best to stalk him…buh I only want to like him from afar…nothing more…weird right?,,,i know…..
Hello Michael, nice entry…its kitodiaries….an avenue for all queer folks to share their stories…it does not even have to be regularly from one person…so good thing you have joined the bold ones…we are rooting for you…
KingBey
February 21, 08:18Just so you know Michael, you can’t adopt a child in Nigeria as a Single person. You must be married to be able to do so.