What’s On Your Mind… VIII
Hey, guys, who missed me? After a long hiatus to deal with bidniss, I am back. Hopefully, I’ll stick around for much longer. Despite all the craziness that’s been going on around me, lots of things have been on my mind.
A while ago, I was talking with a good friend of mine and he said something weird to me, a remark I’d never really given much thought before then. He said, “I think I’m going to quit having sex with men who aren’t really gay. They just don’t give the same level of intimacy and emotional connection as a gay man would.”
My curiosity was piqued, and when I probed further about this, he said, “Lately, I’ve been hooking up with quite a number of guys, some who describe themselves as ‘not really gay’ (whatever that means) and I find that sex with them is mechanical and mostly physical. There’s truly nothing special about it.”
So, in the wake of that talk, I’ve been turning this issue in my head, and I think I kinda agree with my friend. In the past, I’ve also had some encounters with guys who prefer to describe themselves as “more gay than straight”, because they have a strong preference for pussy and only a slight attraction to men. I can readily identify with what my friend is saying, because during my own encounters with these “straight yet bi/gay” men, I can sense that they consciously hold themselves back from connecting on a deep emotional level, like they are somewhat afraid that if they don’t hold themselves back, they’ll topple over the precipice and be totally and irretrievably gay (The horror!).
With a gay man, especially one to whom you’re deeply attracted, there’s an immediate bonding that occurs spontaneously. In a nutshell, as a gay man, when you have sex with another gay man, the bond easily goes beyond the mere physical. I also think that deep internalized homophobic issues come to play in the case of these “straight-yet-gay/bi” men.
But then, what do I know? I’m just sounding off from my mind.
*
I have a new colleague/headache. Let’s call him Toye. He is in his mid – late 30s, married with kids. He is, for all intents and purposes, a “responsible man”, right? WRONG! If you ever have difficulty defining a hoe (Hallo Maxine), please see me so I can get you to spend twenty minutes with Toye.
This man lives, breathes, and revels in sex – lots of it, with lots of different women. He is neither ashamed nor apologetic about it. I hate to play judge, but it is nauseating. You can be sure that once he comes into work on a Monday morning, his first point of duty would be to regale the entire office with lurid and graphic details of his inordinate sex romps over the weekend and during the weeknights. Toye is a very devout Christian o, as in he never misses church on Sundays, though he regularly branches off right after church to go and “slaughter” (his words) a new conquest. His wife is a busy and frequently-traveling businesswoman, and his official duties also involve frequent travels and irregular working hours, hence he is able to conceal his illicit predilections under the veil of a “heavy workload”.
Now, I have neither right nor desire to judge this man, as his morals are absolutely no business of mine. The females with which he carouses with are presumably consenting adults, and if they are not – well, I’m not the police, so…
But the reason I went to this length to describe Toye’s sexual proclivities is because a few times in the past, some KDians have echoed the homophobes’ lines: “It’s okay to be gay. Just keep it concealed and out of my face and we’ll be fine”, “Don’t rub your sexuality in straight people’s faces and you won’t have any problems”.
But has anyone ever tried to flip the table around, to look at things from the other side? Straight people rub their sexuality in our faces 24/7 – No, scratch that! They scrub our faces with salt till the pores are open, and then they proceed to vigorously rub their sexuality with hard, measured and deliberate strokes into our faces, caring not whether we hurt or bleed.
Now what do you think would be Toye’s response if one day, I interrupted his recount of his sexploits with: “Toye, I am gay and as such, I have no interest in hearing about your pussy-slaughtering stories. Please be a darling and keep your sex life to yourself, and more importantly, out of my face.”
In my opinion, the gay guys who advocate that we “keep it out of the faces of the straight people” while inadvertently permitting and encouraging heterosexuals to rub it into ours are (Sorry, Keredim) internally homophobic, on a deep level. Anyway, I’m not expecting this to change anytime soon, just pointing out a glaring irony.
And oh, regarding Toye, I have never for once heard anyone condemn him, not even the heavily churchgoing, bible-thumping ladies at the front desk who love to distribute church pamphlets to co-workers for their never-ending church activities. Frequently, they gather in a bunch and titter as Toye regales the office with his sexploits, intermittently chastising him half-heartedly and indulgently.
But each time the issue of homosexuality is brought up in the office, it’s a sight to behold. You should see them rail and curse and call down fire and brimstone on all homosexuals as well as on America, “the great evil ‘homosexualist’ headquarters of the world, and its gay president and his lesbian wife…” *shaking my head* The things I’ve heard with my two ears, eh!
Once, I tried to prick Toye’s conscience a little (I assumed erroneously that he had one) by throwing at him, “Toye, nawa o, you just dey lie up and down to your wife, dey fuck small, small girls all over. It’s unfair on your wife, this level of adultery…” Before I could finish, he cut me off with a dismissive wave of his hand, a glazed-over look of boredom and disdain, and a quick “Abeg forget that married man thing, I can’t be fucking one woman all the time, regardless of what the church says…”
*
So we’ve all heard the oft-bandied mantra that gay men are more promiscuous than straight men. I’ve often wondered if this is true. Take quick stock of your gay friends as well as your straight ones; which group is more promiscuous? I personally don’t believe that gay men are more promiscuous. Perhaps due to the smaller size of the gaybourhood relative to the rest of the population, or the glaring fact that a lot of gays in this part of the world see their sexuality as a minor transition point on the glorious road to heterosexuality. Do you really think we are more promiscuous than straight men? And if you think so, why is this so? #JAMBQuestion
Written by Khaleesi
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17 Comments
Dennis Macaulay
September 11, 07:03Men are genetically designed with an inbuilt desire to spread their seed. Gay or straight men are the same save only for cultural expectations.
Gay men are not more promiscuous, you answered yes question yourself, we are in the minority so we know everybody.
We missed you, welcome back
**bows before the queen**
Mandy
September 11, 07:05All men are potential emotional mines to get involved with. Emphasis on the word ‘potential’. At the risk of sounding like Max, all men pose an emotional risk. But the risk quadruples when the man you are looking to fall in love with is that Nigerian man who still has his gayness in parenthesis. Na there gobe dey take start. I’m with your friend, Khaleesi. Maybe not to the extent of not having sex with such. But I totally understand his reservations on getting intimate with such straight gay men.
GOld
September 11, 07:05Being promiscuous is common to all whether gay or straight or heterosexual or homosexual…. It’s the mindset..
I know a lotta gay guys who have vowed never to be faithful to one person and same with the straight guys(even more with them)..maybe because we’re in a society which encourages ‘straight-ness’ and disdains ‘gay-ness’.
Still, it’s just the mindset.
Kester
September 11, 07:22My younger brothers are heterosexual and comparing the frequency of sex they have with various partners on the whole I have been a saint. That aside one cannot really generalize these issues as many people have different reasons for doing what they do or being who they are e. g I have a promiscuous friend whose reason for his attitude is heartbreak, constantly spewing the mantra that one can’t be gay and faithful. I also have another friend who is celibate because of the same reason. I suggest the question should be are men more promiscuous than women? I believe they are.
Diablo
September 11, 08:03Men are generally more promiscuous , its hard wired in our DNA and society in ways proliferates promiscuousity amongst men. Its ok for men to talk abt their various sex escapades but a woman that does that is considered a whore. We have double standards when it comes to both sexes. We teach our girls to be modest but we do not instill the same values on our men. So its not exclusively a gay thing .
The issue abt Toye being a diligent church goer had me thinking, how churches today are so passive that people never feel conviction for their sins. A genuine church should leave u feeling guilty and discourage u from sinning.
A while back ago a friend invited me to a small church very close to where we worked, I attended that church twice and always left crying and promising to put my life in order . The sermon wasn’t exactly on homosexuality, it was abt gratitude. To think that something so mundane could send me on such a guilt trip. Unfortunately I rounded up my internship and had to leave but I still think abt that church often. If we had more churches like that, Christianity as a whole would be treated with more respect.
Summary : Guys are hoes and churches today are lukewarm and passive hence Christians having carte blanche to be as sinful as they can be.
Tiercel de Claron
September 11, 12:11Them tithe-paying,seed-sowing and prosperity-preaching churches,shey?.
Pay your tithes,firstfruit,sow a seed and you’re covered all round.
Illuminatus
September 11, 08:10He said, “I think I’m going to quit having sex with men who aren’t really gay. They just don’t give the same level of intimacy and emotional connection as a gay man would.”
I don’t buy this idea. One’s sexual orientation plays a very minute role in how you connect with them. Maybe they play as much a role as you let them. I presume that this friend learnt about their orientation before sex and then somehow rolled the men into this wide group of guys that he couldn’t connect with. Intimacy is a personal thing between the people involved. You can be intimate with anyone, as long as you share that connection. You can be intimate with a gay guy, straight guy, short guy, tall guy, or even a woman. Intimacy is kinda like love. Well, let me stop here.
Well, to another matter. If you want to run your sexuality in a straight man’s face, or crotch or…well, Bon voyage. If you wanna wear your sexuality like a placard, more power to you. But my stand on the issue is informed because of the current morality of the society. Yes, your co workers don’t exhibit the same level of disdain for infidelity as they do for homosexuality because of the current morality of the society. Once upon a time some years ago, he couldn’t mention or revel in such tales. Secondly, do you think his kinsmen or church members would show the same reaction your co workers are showing to the issue? Morality is a subjective thingy. It’s bound to shift.
Internal homophobia as you suggested doesn’t make sense to me. It really doesn’t.
And no, gay guys aren’t more promiscuous.
Mandy
September 11, 08:27Internal homophobia in this context, or internal homophobia as a concept?
sinnex
September 11, 11:05Coozee has been looking for you up and down…
Keredim
September 11, 08:23Khaleesi you are excused???
I don’t think gay men are any more promiscuous than straight men.
As the previous commenters have said, men are all wired the same when it comes to the potential to be promiscuous.
The opportunities are there at varying degrees, (depending on our physical attributes, availability of consenting adults and how discerning we are) to fool around.
The thing is how well disciplined are we as individuals, regardless of sexual orientation, in curtailing the urge to sleep around??
Max
September 11, 23:11And how have you been handling those urges?
Ruby
September 11, 09:44Its in a man’s DNA to want to sow his “Wild Oats” so its not a surprise to me.
I’ve had friends both Gay n Straight that are promiscuous for the world but that’s just the way they are and I try as much as possible to stay out of their hair while I ensure they stay out of mine as well.
Truth is, no matter how hard we try, there will always be promiscuous people both Hetero n Gay who will always want to rub it in our faces.
Chuck
September 12, 02:15Pleaseit’s not in a man’s DNA to cheat. That comes from the patriarchal, oppressive, society’s norms.
sinnex
September 11, 11:10I get where Khalessi is coming from. How can you be with a man who wants you to suck his dick and refuses to suck yours, claiming that he doesn’t suck dick. Or someone who doesn’t want to romance and just wants to go straight to the act.
The truth is that it is so difficult being gay in Nigeria. If I spend 2% of the time I use in chasing after guys on girls, I would have had a pride of ladies around me.
Max
September 11, 23:13Seconded. The things I’ve done for men. *sigh*
Yet they’re the most ungrateful and selfish hoes ever.
If I do one quarter of it for women, they’d cut out their heart and give to me.
La-Coozee
September 11, 11:35So a lady asked a sage a question. She said, “Master, why is it that when a man has sex with many women he is considered a champion, but when a woman has sex with many men, she is called a whore?”
And the sage, being a man full of years, replied saying, “Listen well, my child. A key that has the ability to open many locks is a master key. A lock that can be opened with any key is useless.”
–
For me, marital infidelity does not end with the man alone. What about the lady? Being unmarried does not extract her from blame. As for the man, let him continue. The nemesis that will come to him is still wearing make-up.
Max
September 11, 23:04Beautifully Written Khaleesi, a lot of bisexuals here won’t be very happy about this. What you said about them is true, they just have sex with men and rarely connect on an emotional level, because they still have internalized homophobia. They don’t want to get reeled in(in their homophobic mind). And yes the straight men in my office are wayward too. They even make jokes with them about it. The other day I drove in and saw one of the proudly married men at the car park inside his car caressing a woman that isn’t his wife. I thought I was the only one that saw it till I came inside, when he finally came into the office, they started teasing him like a high school dude who did something that deserved to be applauded. I was instantly filled with disgust.