When the Spirit Leads You
1.
The first time I saw her, I had to bite my upper lip to keep myself from staring. She was singing in a church that I only decided to attend because Jojo, my roommate, offered to help with my laundry in exchange for my attendance. I sat very still on the wooden pew, letting the coarseness of her voice flow over my body, socking my gut like a punch. I floated through the rest of the service, till I saw her walking towards me. She was really pretty, with bright eyes that hold your gaze till you either look away or smile at yourself.
Her name was Kaka.
“Odd?” she asked when I raised my left brow.
“Beautiful,” I replied, positive I was talking more about her than her name.
She laughed softly, brushing her hand over my arm in a gesture that lacked self-consciousness. “It’s actually Odinaka, and I hope to see you next Sunday,” she said in a low tone, leaning in toward me for a brief moment second before she left to speak to other first timers.
2.
The second time I saw her. I wanted to laugh out in sheer excitement. I was walking to my room in Adelabu hostel when I saw her on my floor.
“Hey, Nonye!” she called out, smiling.
“Hey!” I called back, feeling a crush of joy in my heart.
“You stay in this hostel, right? I checked you out in the attendance sheet.” She smiled again.
“Oh.”
“Do you want to join me outside for a quick walk? One more minute in the heat in this hostel, and I think I might faint from heat stroke, and you’d have to carry me to the hospital.”
I joined in the laughter that followed, even though I wanted to do more than carry her; I wanted to run my fingers through her thick black hair and then put each finger to my nose so I could pick out the tiny essences of her.
I waited in front of her room as she went in for a quick change. Her beautiful hair was bound in a scarf when she came back out. I was slightly irked by that, but of course I didn’t mention it.
We bought fries in front of the hostel and walked to Access Bank, making small talk – which was just me listening to her speak. She invited me to her next church service when we returned to the hostel. I gave her my number to text me a reminder or call me, and then she went off to her room, leaving me with her floral essence.
Kaka sat with me in church the next Sunday. She didn’t sing. She just sat there, her comforting weight pressed in next to mine. I swear I felt the back of her palm lightly graze my thigh at one point during the service.
In the coming weeks after that service, I would spend almost every evening with her. She would tell me things like how she secretly adored Yanis Marshall and all his dance moves, although she thought his hair was a bit too much for a man. Then I’d tell her secrets like how I planned to marry Genevieve Nnaji, couching my revelations with the veneer of a joke, and she’d laugh. I’d watch her laugh. I loved how Kaka laughed, much like my budding love for her – slowly at first, then deeply and hard.
3.
I awakened to a text from her one morning.
Nonye, we should see this night.
Love, Kaka.
I was surprised at first, because we usually did not need to schedule our meets. Then I brushed it off quickly. It was probably a good thing, this meet. My day went by in one swift motion, and then, I was seated at the balcony of the moot complex where I told her to meet me. When she arrived, she smiled and sat down in a chair next to me, taking my hand in hers and threading my fingers with hers in that totally unselfconscious way she had. Like she was unaware of just how intimate the gesture was.
We talked a bit about our respective days. And then, she asked in a most solemn tone, “Nonye, are you born again?”
Unable to respond, having to re-circuit my thought processes form lovingness to wariness, I slipped my hand from hers and sat up, staring at her with a shuttered look.
“Why do you ask me that?” I said.
“The Holy Spirit really wants to be your friend. He is the one that led me to you on your first day in church.”
“Yeah? I bet he did,” I scoffed, unable to believe what was going on.
I’d never lied to myself about Kaka’s commitment to church. I knew she was religious but I thought she respected our relationship enough not to bring up Jesus every time we were together. And she hadn’t. She only simply chose to invite the Holy Spirit to our lives.
I wanted to slap her sweet face and tell her how the Spirit had nothing to do with what I felt when I saw her face on any of those Sundays I went to church, or in her absence when I stroked my pussy to her photos.
But I did none of those. Instead, I stood up, picked up my bag, took a few steps away from her, and then turned.
“I’ll see you around,” I said in that tone that revealed very clearly that I wouldn’t.
She caught on to that and pursed her lips, nodding. And I saw it in her eyes for the first time, that patented look religious Christians reserve for those who they imagine won’t make the cut for Heaven. It was a look of judgment I never thought I’d ever see her direct at me. it wounded me. I didn’t care for her pious pity. I turned and walked on, pulling out my phone to proceed to make her disappear from my life.
However, I knew it just wouldn’t work. I was one of the unlucky ones. The ones destined to love someone so much, it nearly kills them.
Written by Jojo
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18 Comments
Patrick
October 03, 06:34Unrequited love….
trystham
October 03, 06:58KILL IT!!!
iAmNotAPerv
October 03, 07:46Stay away from the churh ones, boo. If not, all your money will just be going to offering and you will die single.
Anyway, sounds like you’re a Unilag student ? fries in front of the hostel and Access bank
J
October 03, 09:43???
Mandy
October 03, 08:37Never ever ever crush on the church ones. The ones in the choir. The pious pastor’s child. The one who evangelizes. The sister/brother who is a prayer warrior. The one who identifies himself on Facebook as “lover of Jesus” and “Jesus freak” and “child of God.” Even if they are gay, they are the ones who will torture you with emotional detachment, because they still have unresolved issues betwen their faith and sexuality. Trust me. I know.
Dayo
October 03, 08:40Lol. Noted.
So we die alone.
Mikkiyfab
October 03, 09:32Lol.
Now that response is just out of this world
J
October 03, 09:40So true Mandy ??? Take tomtom ?
Francis
October 03, 14:22? ? ? ? ? ? No be lie sha
onThrough
October 03, 11:11“The ones destined to love someone so much, it nearly kills them.”
This line from the movie “Love, Simon” though…
Paraphrased but still spotted it because that scene was…omg…just too visceral….
Lost Boy
October 03, 14:03Reminds me of one church girl I met, this minute she’ll form curious and beg me to kiss her, wants to cuddle, feel my skin.
Next minute, she’s talking about holy spirit.
Lmao ? I raaaaan.
Pink Panther
October 03, 17:27Just negodu. ? ? ? ? ? ?
Malik
October 05, 12:18Similar story here. He was preaching to me alone in my room few days back. I was turned on. We kissed and ended up doing a bit more than that. The preaching continued, only punctuated by a round of “Lord, have mercy on us.”
Omiete
October 03, 18:11Adelabu, Access, Moot… are you a UNEC student? Anyways there is nothing wrong with having the Holy Spirit and being gay. Kaka might secretly like you and if she does I suggest you give her time to accept that God loves her and has no problem with her because we all come to self acceptance at different times in our lives.
Jo.
October 05, 07:36I was going to ask this too.
Definitely UNEC.
Meanwhile, I am a Jesus person. And I’m still figuring it out as I go along. It can be burdensome, but then again, being gay in Nigeria, in itself, comes with some baggage, is it really bad that we have a few more than usual?
Jorges
August 14, 23:27There is nothing wrong with being a Jesus person. In fact we all ought to be Jesus’ persons because, in spite of what religion teaches, he is the one that gives us true love and acceptance, which in turn makes us to accept ourselves without condition or reserve, that only he can give.
I thought UNEC as well, but when I was a student then, there was no moot or access bank.
Jojo
October 03, 20:27Thanks P
Eric
October 04, 22:01I can relate to dis story. I know ur pain. I have a crush on one churchill like that. He holds an exco position n d way he looks at me n behaves around me, I feel like he likes me too (or maybe it’s all in my head…lol). Anyways, I’m afraid of shooting my shot before he binds and casts me like I’m one demon like that sent from d pit of hell to come n rob him of his destiny. I will now be his number one prayer point. Abeg o!! If at all he concedes, he seems to be d talkative and gullible type that would just spill their guts after hearing a very moving homophobic sermon and as he is confessing his sins to d minister, he will just go n mention my name…..biko!! I cannot fit come shout.