JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 18)

Blog_KD JournalOctober 24

So Lexi is here. Whoop, whoop! It’s been awesome having him here. The gossip, the name calling, the dancing, everything has just been great. When I told a friend that I was having a friend over for the weekend, he asked why it would be so much fun if sex won’t be involved. I was irritated by that comment. But oh well…

Lexi and I were watching Orange Is The New Black, and its quite funny. Oyibo prison sef *rolls eyes to China* We got introduced to the transgender guy, and Lexi came face to face with feeling uncomfortable with the way someone can make the decision to live his life in his own terms, however unpopular that lifestyle may be. Lexi didn’t see why a man would want to become a woman. And it irritated him. And then, he realised that that’s how straight fellows must see being gay to be. But he did however try to understand. Which is the most we can say, since some of us feel like our opinions are final, and if you are of a different mindset, then you are on the wrong track.

The screen of my phone has finally gone bad. Like really bad. Nothing shows on it again. Thankfully, a warranty covers it, so I don’t have to pay to repair it. It was all so sudden. One thing, me and Lexi were making a recording of me playing the guitar to put on YouTube, and next thing my phone screen is fading and flickering with lines all over. The people at the Samsung office say the hairline cracking it had received must be taking its toll. That sucks. I’m to get it back in seven working days, but we all know that it would probably be like two, three weeks before its fixed.

I want to get a replacement phone, but there’s no money. So all the people that love me… Now would be a good time to show that love and ask me to inbox the digits of my account number.

I’m thinking of putting ‘Life As He Knows It’ on a short break. It seems like school has stifled the creative burst I felt while at home. I know the way I want the story to play out, but putting it down on paper has been an issue. Right now, I’m even grasping for what to put down in this journal. This school sucks my spirit dry.

Ooh! I was going through a jotter of mine from my A-level school when I came across some poems I wrote. A-level was a dark point in my life. I had just been outed to my family. I was struggling with the “Can I change question”, wrestling with religion, wondering why I’m like this and diving into a psychology textbook in search of answers and hopefully a cure. I’d go online to read stories and search for people who have changed. It was just hectic and I remember the place as a dark gloomy place where the only joy I got was from midnight calls with my first love, Adam.

Anyways, here’s a poem. It’s not pornography and I wouldn’t call it exceptionally good, but it was a form of release from the jumbled state of my emotions.

I feel like running away

To a quiet place

Where no one can see my face

Cause I’m scared of what people would see

Cause I’m scared of feelings that shouldn’t be

I feel like running away

To a lonely place

Where I can sing, free like a bird

Where I can be what I want to be

Where I can see what I want to see

Cause this world is full of troubles

Troubles that trouble me

Troubles that won’t let me be

This world is full of eyes that stare

Eyes that make me fear my fears

It probably sounds incomplete. Lol.  It does to me. I think I wrote it after my trip to New Castle. My mum and I were at the airport and she was lamenting about how she doesn’t know me anymore, how she doesn’t trust me. And I just felt like one of the men in her life that have failed her. Lol. I was supposed to be the perfect one. I tried to be perfect.  For her. Because I love her so much, and she’s done and sacrificed so much for me and my brothers. But I had failed. And it was eating me up inside. I’d flashback to her tears and her prayers and I would pray God would answer them for her so life would be perfect.

But, no. Even then, I was still checking out the white meat around me, fascinated by a guy with a tattoo, wondering if I could sneak away to a gay club and check it out. Lol.

I wish I had lots of stuff to write today. But I don’t. On that melancholy note, I leave you.

Written by James

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17 Comments

  1. enigmous
    October 26, 08:54 Reply

    “I wish I had lots of stuff to write today. But I don’t.”…That, my friend, is wrong. You have beautifully poured out your mind to us and allowed us a peep into how fabulous life can be if we just try to be ourselves. If this beautiful piece is what your brain brings out when it is sucked dry, I wonder what happens when it is well fed and nurtured *bbm thinking smiley face*

  2. Dennis Macauley
    October 26, 08:59 Reply

    Beautiful piece again

    I do remember the dark days too!

    Until I turned on the lights

  3. Khaleesi
    October 26, 09:13 Reply

    Beautiful piece there James … I haven’t been outed to my family, but it was like I was in your shoes, watching your beloved mother sad and knowing that you are the source of her sorrow (whether by choice or not) , has got to be one of the most heart – wrenching emotions anyone can experience … and yes, its very possible and very usual to have gay friends with whom you’ve never and will probably never have sex, I dont understand y some pple cant get this fact into their heads!

  4. Neon
    October 26, 09:35 Reply

    Nothing wrong with this piece! You’ve said a lot! Beautiful…
    Laverne Cox, the tranny in OITNB be making waves and history as the first openly transgender person to be Emmy nominated!! WERK! WERK! WERK!

  5. Micky
    October 26, 09:35 Reply

    Awww. Now that poem is very touching. I love love love! I needs to start seeing Orange Is The New Black. Heard its good. And yes I love you James and about that account number of yours, send it to me in 2 years time. *kisses*

  6. gad
    October 26, 10:36 Reply

    … and God shall wipe away,all tears from our eyes…and there shall be no more sorrows,nor tears,nor pains…for the former things are passed away…for the former things are all passed…passed away…

    • enigmous
      October 26, 13:11 Reply

      Ermmm, King…I don’t attend a function if there’s no invitation *am sure by now you understand what I mean*…that said, thanks in advance for your generosity

      • king
        October 26, 14:30 Reply

        Emmm not sure what u mean boo but I was referring to James when i wrote what I wrote……care to expantiate???

      • king
        October 26, 14:32 Reply

        Wouldn’t hurt anyone if u do luv….but I’d prefer knowing more bout u first!

  7. Brian Collins
    October 26, 13:25 Reply

    James i sometimes feel like we are kindred spirits. This reaches out to my soul. Beautifully expressed.
    ION
    Maybe that phone was tired of watching you play that guitar horribly and wanted to spare millions of YouTubers the horror of having to see it to. Samsung phones are sensitive like that.
    #being a bitch

  8. Peter
    October 31, 16:31 Reply

    Very inspiring story James…. I like the poem composed. May I request you send it to my e-mail address so I could transform them into a song by singing the lyrics..Awaiting your response with gr8 anticipation. Thanks.

    • JustJames
      November 01, 19:40 Reply

      Oh.. I just saw this. I don’t have your email address but please could you ask pinky to send it to me. I’m flattered you considered it and thank you.

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