October 29

More often than not, I have been called nice. One of my exes hated that I didn’t find it weird that someone cuts themselves or doesn’t have sex. I try to be understanding. I give people benefits of the doubt. I give second and third and fourth and fifth chances. Just doing my own little bit of being a good human.

I however know I can be far from nice when I want to be. I gave up the notion that I was a sweet little angel when I broke up with my first boyfriend. It wasn’t bloody exactly, but I did act like a total bitch. His name is Adam.

I met Adam in Lagos at a friend’s place, and I was obsessed with him within an hour of talking. I just felt drawn to him, and thankfully he was to me too. We started what was to be my longest relationship yet.

It was long distance. I stayed in Ogun while he stayed in Lagos. We saw very few times and it involved me sneaking away from the rest of my family to see him quite briefly. But I could confidently say I was madly in love with him. I still get glimpses of what made him attractive to me. His voice, his walk… He had this way of blinking… Little weird things like that that made my ovaries tingle.

The relationship initially consisted of me nagging and shii and him trying to pacify me. Then I got to school, and the dynamics changed drastically. After spending what was a whole weekend with me, it seemed like Adam got extra smitten or he was less afraid to show his feelings for me. And I’m embarrassed to say that scared the bejeezus out of me.

Looking back, I realise I was crazy. I was dumb. Stupid. A total dim wit. But I just wasn’t sure how to deal with this sudden transformation in the dynamics of our relationship. The sudden inflow of calls from him… I’d be trying to get used to my being in school and being so free… Signing course forms… Sorting out hospital ish… I’d feel my phone vibrate and it would be him calling. And if I kept the calls short, he would sulk. My friends thought I had a girlfriend. And then, there was that one time, it was deathly quiet in the room, with other people present, and my phone decided to be as loud as possible as I received his call. So I began to resent the calls and affection. I felt smothered.

Then on Valentine’s Day, I called him and told him I wanted a break. The conversation wasn’t supposed to go like that. But it did. I wanted space to breathe. I wasn’t happy. I wanted the calls to reduce and stuff. Adam however insisted that we break up, instead of granting me the break I asked for. He must have been hurt real bad. I agreed. I knew I was still going to go back to him.

That was until he decided he wanted to come spend a week with me after the “break up”. Maybe I should have been more direct with my no. But I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I told him he could come if he liked. He came, with a mission to win me back. It was then I released my inner meanie. Even after classes were over, I’d linger in the school block just so I wouldn’t have to go home to see him. I was a total bitch to him. Once I saw him cry… Just for me and the way I treated him like a total stranger.

This is not me bragging. I hate relieving the memories. I get full of regret that I let so much love get away from me. I feel ashamed at myself for being so terrible to someone who I once had something with… And then I found myself in his shoes and it just made it worse.

Weirdest part is that he still has good things to say about me. He still checks up on me and all that. I sometimes miss the way we were. When I hear something like the songs reigning back then, memories flood me and this weird nostalgia overtakes me. But I can’t go back. I think the only thing I’m capable of is hurting him.

That was me being terrible to someone who didn’t deserve it. However some people do push you to a wall. I had a short stiff with some guy. We met up on manjam, and one way or the other, he started to lament on how his so-called boyfriend treated him like he didn’t exist. Being in a similar situation at that moment, I consoled him and tried to give some advice.

I soon got a hand on one of the boyfriend’s pics, and the guy was a cutie. It wasn’t one of my finest moments but I had the hots for the guy and ended up sleeping with him. Yes, you can judge me.

However, the guy I met on manjam (Tope) and I hardly talked after that. I wasn’t too interested in him. But the guy seemed to have decided we were like best buddies or something. To put it bluntly, I felt like someone who had given a lost, starving puppy some food, and now the puppy wanted to follow me home (I’ve been in that situation before though… Lol)

He’d complain that we don’t talk like we used to anymore, and more often than not I’d want to say, “Bitch, we was never friends in the first place”, and flick my weave fabulously. But I’d give the simple hints of a “curve” and say “lol” “awwwn” and shii like that. Till a few days ago. Here’s the convo.

Tope: Nawa ooo

Tope: U don’t ping anymore

Me: Lol

Tope: That ain’t funny

Me: It kinda is to me

Me: You seem to enjoy making me look mean. With your…You don’t ping me…You don’t check up on me…We don’t chat like we used to

Me: It’s funny

Me: Sometimes annoying. And it makes me want to say some really nasty things. But I won’t, cause it would probably hurt your feelings and I don’t want to

Tope: Please say. I beg you

Me: Nah

Tope: I dare you

Me: Lol. I won’t

Tope: Are you scared. Be man enough

Me: Dude, just leave it be

Me: We don’t chat much. That’s just the way it is

Me: You tried to be friends… I’m not showing much interest. Just forget about me.

Tope: Fuck you dude.

Tope: Well I can’t be your fwend. Cos you’re not cute, a liar….

Tope: Just fuck yourself

Me: Lol. So dramatic

Tope: After you fucked *insert bf name here* you changed

Tope: You just showed me you’re bitchy

Me: Nah dude. You never knew me. So don’t say I changed

Then he goes all dramatic and tells me to delete myself from his social networks and I go, “Boohoo, my life is over because you don’t want me there anymore.”

And he thinks I’m serious and says I can stay if I like. And I’m like, I was being sarcastic. Then he deletes himself.

I’m quite frankly relieved he has done that. Does the above make me a terrible person? Maybe. But it does show the nigga is childish as fuck. Like seriously? Unfollow me on Twitter and instagram. Bitch, I never knew you existed there until you say something.

I think I handled it well enough though. I don’t know if there is a nice way to say you don’t like someone. I did my best to not hurt his feelings and he went ballistic on me. That bit of drama was invigorating though. Lol.

At least I can say that I am not nice or cute or all that. I am the darkness that creeps in your hearts. Fear me. *evil laugh* On that dark note, I bid you a happy Sunday.

Written by James

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