JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 19)

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 19)

October 29

More often than not, I have been called nice. One of my exes hated that I didn’t find it weird that someone cuts themselves or doesn’t have sex. I try to be understanding. I give people benefits of the doubt. I give second and third and fourth and fifth chances. Just doing my own little bit of being a good human.

I however know I can be far from nice when I want to be. I gave up the notion that I was a sweet little angel when I broke up with my first boyfriend. It wasn’t bloody exactly, but I did act like a total bitch. His name is Adam.

I met Adam in Lagos at a friend’s place, and I was obsessed with him within an hour of talking. I just felt drawn to him, and thankfully he was to me too. We started what was to be my longest relationship yet.

It was long distance. I stayed in Ogun while he stayed in Lagos. We saw very few times and it involved me sneaking away from the rest of my family to see him quite briefly. But I could confidently say I was madly in love with him. I still get glimpses of what made him attractive to me. His voice, his walk… He had this way of blinking… Little weird things like that that made my ovaries tingle.

The relationship initially consisted of me nagging and shii and him trying to pacify me. Then I got to school, and the dynamics changed drastically. After spending what was a whole weekend with me, it seemed like Adam got extra smitten or he was less afraid to show his feelings for me. And I’m embarrassed to say that scared the bejeezus out of me.

Looking back, I realise I was crazy. I was dumb. Stupid. A total dim wit. But I just wasn’t sure how to deal with this sudden transformation in the dynamics of our relationship. The sudden inflow of calls from him… I’d be trying to get used to my being in school and being so free… Signing course forms… Sorting out hospital ish… I’d feel my phone vibrate and it would be him calling. And if I kept the calls short, he would sulk. My friends thought I had a girlfriend. And then, there was that one time, it was deathly quiet in the room, with other people present, and my phone decided to be as loud as possible as I received his call. So I began to resent the calls and affection. I felt smothered.

Then on Valentine’s Day, I called him and told him I wanted a break. The conversation wasn’t supposed to go like that. But it did. I wanted space to breathe. I wasn’t happy. I wanted the calls to reduce and stuff. Adam however insisted that we break up, instead of granting me the break I asked for. He must have been hurt real bad. I agreed. I knew I was still going to go back to him.

That was until he decided he wanted to come spend a week with me after the “break up”. Maybe I should have been more direct with my no. But I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I told him he could come if he liked. He came, with a mission to win me back. It was then I released my inner meanie. Even after classes were over, I’d linger in the school block just so I wouldn’t have to go home to see him. I was a total bitch to him. Once I saw him cry… Just for me and the way I treated him like a total stranger.

This is not me bragging. I hate relieving the memories. I get full of regret that I let so much love get away from me. I feel ashamed at myself for being so terrible to someone who I once had something with… And then I found myself in his shoes and it just made it worse.

Weirdest part is that he still has good things to say about me. He still checks up on me and all that. I sometimes miss the way we were. When I hear something like the songs reigning back then, memories flood me and this weird nostalgia overtakes me. But I can’t go back. I think the only thing I’m capable of is hurting him.

That was me being terrible to someone who didn’t deserve it. However some people do push you to a wall. I had a short stiff with some guy. We met up on manjam, and one way or the other, he started to lament on how his so-called boyfriend treated him like he didn’t exist. Being in a similar situation at that moment, I consoled him and tried to give some advice.

I soon got a hand on one of the boyfriend’s pics, and the guy was a cutie. It wasn’t one of my finest moments but I had the hots for the guy and ended up sleeping with him. Yes, you can judge me.

However, the guy I met on manjam (Tope) and I hardly talked after that. I wasn’t too interested in him. But the guy seemed to have decided we were like best buddies or something. To put it bluntly, I felt like someone who had given a lost, starving puppy some food, and now the puppy wanted to follow me home (I’ve been in that situation before though… Lol)

He’d complain that we don’t talk like we used to anymore, and more often than not I’d want to say, “Bitch, we was never friends in the first place”, and flick my weave fabulously. But I’d give the simple hints of a “curve” and say “lol” “awwwn” and shii like that. Till a few days ago. Here’s the convo.

Tope: Nawa ooo

Tope: U don’t ping anymore

Me: Lol

Tope: That ain’t funny

Me: It kinda is to me

Me: You seem to enjoy making me look mean. With your…You don’t ping me…You don’t check up on me…We don’t chat like we used to

Me: It’s funny

Me: Sometimes annoying. And it makes me want to say some really nasty things. But I won’t, cause it would probably hurt your feelings and I don’t want to

Tope: Please say. I beg you

Me: Nah

Tope: I dare you

Me: Lol. I won’t

Tope: Are you scared. Be man enough

Me: Dude, just leave it be

Me: We don’t chat much. That’s just the way it is

Me: You tried to be friends… I’m not showing much interest. Just forget about me.

Tope: Fuck you dude.

Tope: Well I can’t be your fwend. Cos you’re not cute, a liar….

Tope: Just fuck yourself

Me: Lol. So dramatic

Tope: After you fucked *insert bf name here* you changed

Tope: You just showed me you’re bitchy

Me: Nah dude. You never knew me. So don’t say I changed

Then he goes all dramatic and tells me to delete myself from his social networks and I go, “Boohoo, my life is over because you don’t want me there anymore.”

And he thinks I’m serious and says I can stay if I like. And I’m like, I was being sarcastic. Then he deletes himself.

I’m quite frankly relieved he has done that. Does the above make me a terrible person? Maybe. But it does show the nigga is childish as fuck. Like seriously? Unfollow me on Twitter and instagram. Bitch, I never knew you existed there until you say something.

I think I handled it well enough though. I don’t know if there is a nice way to say you don’t like someone. I did my best to not hurt his feelings and he went ballistic on me. That bit of drama was invigorating though. Lol.

At least I can say that I am not nice or cute or all that. I am the darkness that creeps in your hearts. Fear me. *evil laugh* On that dark note, I bid you a happy Sunday.

Written by James

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34 Comments

  1. Chuck
    November 02, 05:01 Reply

    It’s all supply and demand. Once people stop wanting to fuck you you won’t get away with bad behaviour.

      • Brian Collins
        November 02, 15:13 Reply

        Erm….. did James just tell a lie? I remember i read somewhere ‘It wasn’t one of my finest moments but I had the hots for the guy and ended up sleeping with him. Yes, you can judge me.’
        Which one is the lie really? This post or the story itself?

      • JustJames
        November 02, 16:57 Reply

        @Brian I slept with tope’s bf… Not with tope or Adam.

  2. simba
    November 02, 05:41 Reply

    James is an old soul, in a young skin..

  3. Kryss S
    November 02, 06:14 Reply

    James James! I’ve being enjoying ur journal for quite a while now nd must admit dat u r quite good!
    Ehm *clears throat*, I guess am d type dat smolders my lovers wit calls too! Maybe it bcos I tend to care too much nd all. It was similar to d way my ex broke up wit me but his was more annoying! He was like “….hey Chris, hw are you? I don’t play d other way anymore cos am turning straight. We can still b friends though..”! I exploded! Friends? Give me a better excuse biko! After that my life turned upside down. I guess we guys ain’t wired 4 love or relationships, just sex nd u move on. Goodmorning y’all!

  4. iamcoy
    November 02, 06:30 Reply

    The guy actually thought u were serious and told u to stay if you wanted?
    I see why u didn’t like him #sapio

  5. Dominic
    November 02, 06:58 Reply

    And when I say I don’t do relationships some folks look at it like it some excuse for being a slut. I sometime have some serious soul bonding with some guys but I don’t put the relationship label on it cos I know it might fade away soon. And the bit about people I don’t like but they wanting to be close and all meeeen….iv done too much pity sex. now if u don’t move me NO abeg. It’s not pride it’s just preference. I won’t force it if I dig someone and he doesn’t like me too. No lele

  6. Max
    November 02, 07:00 Reply

    Lol..some part of this piece describes me.. Are you a mean bitch James, definitely… Do u deserve to be judged for being a total douche? Maybe.. But I get it.. There re some things you just can’t push… Some people can’t handle rejection.. So they lash out and do childish things like deletion.. Its a really really immature thing to delete someone.. I find it quite amusing that a good number of us do this.
    And then for the leeches that come into your life one day and decide you guys are now bff’s, I’ve had those too. In my mind I’ll be like “bitch please” I’ve barely known you a few weeks..and suddenly you want all my damn attention.. People are like that. Those are some things you have to deal with, and some people don’t respond to being soft, they don’t get the “I don’t like you” hint.. So the best way sometimes is to be downright mean… I get it… ☺☺☺

  7. Peak
    November 02, 07:15 Reply

    Bad ass bitch* do boo! It hard dealing. With folks you don’t care for, and you get to understand the feeling better when u meet someone who doesn want to fuck with you.
    Its a crazy maze but hey, it is what it is

  8. Brian Collins
    November 02, 07:23 Reply

    Dear James you were such a Beeotch to your ex. I know i like to be smothered especially if i love the fella. My ex was far from that. It was as if i had to keep the relationship going. He said he loved me but he had absolutely no way of showing except we were together and that was even sex. It was as if his romantic bone was removed to create Eve.
    As for Tope, well i guess one cannot be nice all the time but James you were still a bad boy. Maybe Tope didn’t want to stop being friends and you have to be evil and say he was not cute? What has that got to do with friendship and heck Bianca did marry Ojukwu.
    Just yesterday i had to ask an old friend of mine who i had had sex with and still like very much if he thought i was a pest or still considered us friends with all the messages i send and shii, just to be sure we were on the same page. Didn’t want to come across as some dumb idiot who didn’t take a hint.

    • pinkpanthertb
      November 02, 07:26 Reply

      I try to be very perceptive in the gaybourhood. I’m naturally reserved, and so, its out of my comfort zone to be gushy about my feelings for anyone. And the moment I feel the zing of coldness or attitude from one such person I’m interested in, either as friends or potential lovers, Boy! I’m gone. I can’t deal. I really just can’t.

    • JustJames
      November 02, 08:01 Reply

      Just to clarify.. I didn’t call him names. He was the one who called me ugly (as if! *flips Brazilian weave*). There’s no nice way to say “I’m not interested” and I did my best to make sure it didn’t hurt more than it was supposed to.

  9. enigmous
    November 02, 07:54 Reply

    I must confess, some of the things you’ve written just describes me…Just like the saying, “beer rushed is beer wasted”, suffice it to say “pity sex is worse than no sex”. It doesn’t matter who claims to be hurt, we need to learn how to be selfish with our body for the most part of it. *No need pitching skyscrapers on sandy foundations*

  10. Cj Parker
    November 02, 08:01 Reply

    Lol who ever this story came frm if it waz real den I’ll say u’re d biggest bitch in town don’t worry keep rejecting guys bcos u tink u’re still young n handsome when u’re 38 we’ll c if u’ll be rejecting guys or begging for a 4ck……Fool

    • JustJames
      November 02, 09:01 Reply

      I’m pretty sure you crave love and attention so much that you open your legs for anyone one who tells you they like/love you… Is that it?

      • Brian Collins
        November 02, 15:09 Reply

        ohhhhh, things just got messy.
        *Janet boil some water, I’m having tea and i might have some friends over*

    • R.A
      November 02, 13:00 Reply

      Oh ma daez! *sips holly warra*

  11. iduke
    November 02, 10:42 Reply

    Why do I always feel like this write up from James the past few weeks have been real different. I miss the incoherent ramble. Now I’m seeing a writer. Well that said. goes back to patting ferb..

    • JustJames
      November 02, 10:51 Reply

      The rambles will return.. Just not as frequent.

  12. king
    November 02, 11:10 Reply

    Hmmm “treated him like he didn’t exist”…the guy doesn’t like you dear And James the fact that you slept with his bf just proves it…..judge you??? Heaven’s no!!!

  13. Andrevn
    November 02, 18:19 Reply

    oh james you just became dark!…………but like you i can be wicked like that sha(oh! the fun of leading someone on)

  14. Ba
    November 02, 18:45 Reply

    U reject me,we dont chat,ur jst a ghost frnd on my list well in my opinion,i will simply delete you obviously u’r of no use to me. Dt isn’t childishness

  15. Stickysly
    November 02, 22:50 Reply

    Parker, that was totally uncalled for.
    “Fool?” On what basis do you get to hurl insults without decorum?

    I happen to be on another forum last night/this morning where we did discuss the issue of individual prejudices in selecting guys you are attracted to.

    Yes, we all pick who we are attracted to and have the right to turn down certain advances. The operational principle is to not be nasty / mean.

    My frnd James…. well, it was an interesting convo you had there. I have read it n I cannot find James’ meanness there. After all. “Its not by force”

    • Chuck
      November 03, 03:54 Reply

      what would that forum be? I’d love to see the discussion

      • Stickysly
        November 03, 05:05 Reply

        Chuck, its on fb wit a couple of frnds.

    • king
      November 03, 06:59 Reply

      Name and Web address please

  16. PrudeBloke
    November 09, 15:45 Reply

    Well James … There are so many ways to kill a rat , you don’t need to hit it with a stick and splash it’s blood all over the fine wall paint … I just believe you could have avoided all the insults and drama and still get rid of him .. Anyways the deed is done … And as for the deleting aspect,I think it’s more mature to delete people you don’t have any use for especially those who has offended humanity who you don’t want to see on your list …. Good Riddance To Bad Rubbish …

  17. dolapo
    November 25, 06:45 Reply

    Wahoo Å̶̷̩̥͡•̸Ϟ not d only one who gets cranky over annoying repeated calls and a bitch wen he wants to. The story also describes me

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