K’osidim n’obi (Entry 11)

K’osidim n’obi (Entry 11)

I think I’m finally experiencing a nervous breakdown.

Mentally, I think I’m damaged.

Writing has always been my way of escaping reality, and for the last two years, I’ve been unable to. I’m in the middle of a godawful, messy breakup, facing the end of a relationship that has kept me steady for almost three years. A clear case of giving too much to a situation that ended up being filled with betrayal and lies. I question nature as every day, I ask if I’m being punished for something, anything, whatever.

I’m still in my twenties and I’ve been having incessant issues with my blood pressure for the last two years. And lately, I’ve started experiencing panic attacks that mimic claustrophobia at the oddest moments in the oddest places. I’ve fought so hard to remain sober and get to where I am right now and I’d give anything for the eating disorder I suffered in the past not to return, the substance abuse, the drinking.

My career is in the verge of destruction and I’m dedicating the last of my energy to keeping it afloat and functioning. So much that I don’t have enough mental strength to keep myself in one piece. I thought we call it love. I thought it was meant to be the most beautiful thing on earth. Why has it left me broken, unable to function, shattered and destroyed? On the outside, I’m told I’ve never looked better. On the inside, I feel like a charred corpse, burnt and bruised inside out.

Who do we trust? Where do we run to when the ones we love wield the very knives that make us bleed? Why does it feel like we have to pay our way through life with misery? Does it ever get better? Will the fucking universe ever stop haunting us?

I’m not suicidal. Mercy knows I’ve considered it a couple of times, but I’ve always been too logical to do anything rash. But for once in my life, I don’t want to be logical. I don’t want to be the man who pretends he needs no one, who smiles in the light and feeds on tears at night. Being logical doesn’t stop the pain; it doesn’t help it. Like Bella Swan said during her transformation in Twilight, I feel like I’ve gone from being tied to my own funeral pyre to holding onto it with my last strength.

Am I overreacting to this situation? Am I being overly evaluative? Is it too much to ask for the one thing in the life that could have saved a lot of situations like mine? Is it too much to ask for truth? Why did I choose to pen this down? I don’t know. Maybe it’s like a falling man clutching at everything he can find to hang on. I know I’ll be fine. I don’t know how but I’ll get through this somehow. But for now, the waves ahead look choppy and turbulent and I’m running mad. But I know I’ll keep swimming. They say the shore is always nearest when the fog seems too thick, right?

Written by Kainene

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7 Comments

  1. Mandy
    May 05, 07:43 Reply

    Kainene, first of all, I want to say welcome back. that is, if you are making a return to your series. Cos your narrative was not the usual kind of stories we get from the community. I am really a fan.

    Secondly, I commiserate on your struggle. I just want to ask: is this pain all stemming from the demise of your relationship? Cos if it is, i want you to know that you’ll be fine. Like you said, the waves may seem choppy and turbulent, but this will pass. Heartbreak never killed anyone, and don’t let the pain from it affect all other good things in your life or disrupt your existence or send you relapsing into bad habits you have overcome. Love is a powerful thing to experience, and if we let it, it could be a powerful thing that destroys us.

    Don’t let it.

    I’m glad your tendency for logic is holding you away from the rashness of being suicidal. Logic is good. But don’t let it make you robotic. You need to feel the things you are feeling, so they don’t catch you offguard sometime in the future when you aren’t expecting them to storm all over you. Feel them now and get over them. And let them give you the strength to start afresh.

  2. Black Dynasty
    May 05, 10:58 Reply

    Hello Kainene,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time but something I know for sure, this too shall pass.

    It may not seem like it whilst you’re riding through the storm but hang in there and hash it out, it will come to an end soon enough.

  3. Tman
    May 05, 13:16 Reply

    I’m so emotional reading this piece and can relate with you partly – sometimes the smiles we bear make people think everything’s working well for us. But life’s in phases, this could just be one. Brace yourself and lift your head man, you’ve got brighter phases in store.

    Much love!

  4. Delle
    May 05, 18:22 Reply

    Oh sweetheart, I think it’s even more hurtful when we try not to hurt. Pain demands to be felt. You can’t close it off, try as you may. But do not let it repress you.

    Your update isn’t exactly desolate. It’s not hopeless, it’s just filled with hurt and I’m sure whatever you’re going through is enough justification for the hurt so do not be afraid to FEEL it.

    You will be fine. Heck, you are almost there already. Give yourself time and please cut yourself some slack.
    A three-year relationship is coming to an abrupt end, it’s painful, very annoying but it’s life. Good things come to an end (so do bad things).

    Love is not a phenomenon filled with bliss and sweetness and happiness and all things positive always. No. That’s a lie a lot of us were told. It entails compromise, abandonment, hurt, disappointments and even break-ups.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this but no one will be sorry if you get buried in its heap. You’re so much more.
    I’m about to sound cliché, pardon me: when one door closes, another opens.

    You’re alright ❤

    P. S: I’ve missed this series too!😭

  5. PURPLE
    May 06, 14:16 Reply

    Kainene,take your time and heal at your pace. Be truthful to yourself and identify how and where it all went wrong. If you find it difficult to point these things out,don’t force it and don’t press too much for closure with your ex. As much as I believe that the best kind of closure is with the partner but then if it doesn’t happen,you let it go.

    An advice: Try as much as possible to heal and identify what you truly want in a person before you date again. My dear DO NOT compromise on your standards. Do not be in a hurry

    I survived this kind of heart break after 10 years. I know how it feels.😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

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