Mother Knows Best?

Mother Knows Best?

We were all in the parlor, my mother, my siblings and I. The evening was a cool one and NEPA people had been trying for us for quite awhile, so staying together in the living room whilst being involved in our individual businesses had become routine.

My mother was seated on the other side of the sitting room, adjacent from where I was slouched, busy on my phone, Grindr-ing away. She was snacking on some garden eggs and my siblings were enjoying a program on the television.

It was such an idyllic setting that nothing could possibly go wrong. Or so I thought.

Now, you know Grindr has a peculiar tone that comes with its messaging. And after a few resonations of this tone, my mother turned to me with ose-oji stained lips and a crease on her forehead.

“What kind of game are you playing, this boy – you that doesn’t like games.”

True this. I don’t like video games. But then, my mother has a Masters degree in intrusion.

“It’s not really a game sha…” I said absent-mindedly. “Just a normal game…”

I had no idea what I was saying, and it wasn’t until the words had left my mouth and been received with confused expressions from the other members of my family, did I suddenly realize that I had a capacity to be astoundingly dumb.

“It’s not a game but it’s a game. Gini ka i na-akogheri gi bu nwa?” my mother snarked as she chewed on another garden egg.

I didn’t bother with a response, thinking that would end the matter.

But because man proposes, and village witches disposes, after a few short moments, there came a rush of messages into my phone, the Grindr tone just pinging away. FYI: I was engaged in this very interesting chat, otherwise I would have logged off the app.

“Show me the game sef let me see.” My mother turned back to me with a curious expression, the look in her eyes pointed and searching.

I felt slightly panicked as I contemplated what to do in the next few microseconds. I couldn’t decline what she’d asked. Declining would raise suspicions and suspicions would bring on more questions and that would just quench me.

So I moved the screen of my phone across her line of sight, long enough for her to catch a glimpse and too quick for her to dwell on whatever she’d see.

“Hian! Oh chim o! What kind of game has only men on display!” she exclaimed while clapping her hands dramatically as I turned the screen back to myself.

I rolled my eyes inwardly and said, “Like I said, it’s a new game – for just men.”

Maybe I was really dumb that evening or my mother’s faculties were extra sharp because my response made her laugh out loud, the “what is this one talking about” laugh. Then she turned her mouth down at me as she said, “Ndi feminist. Ifugonu. A game for only men. Keep contradicting yourself and your views, inugo?”

With that, she clicked her teeth, stood up and left the room to drop her dish off in the kitchen. I was very relieved, especially because I suspected she’d be going to bed straightaway, like she always did around this time.

But my village witches were not finished with me yet.

She strolled back into the parlor with such thick attitude, settled herself back on the sofa she’d earlier vacated, her legs extended and placed very neatly on a side stool, a toothpick sticking out the side of her mouth. She would give me quick looks every now and then, while watching the program on the TV.

I ignored her and kept on with my online interactions. Grindr was proving to be such fun that night.

I was enjoying being wrapped in my world of men and internet sex, when my mother cut in again to lay on me the words that had freezing up.

“OK now, if this game you’re playing is a game for guys,” she said, her gaze back on me, “make sure to add your brothers to it o. They are now grown boys. You should be showing them the way as their elder brother.”

I looked at her. She looked back at me. Grindr pinged again.

And then I stood up with a huff and stalked out of the room.

Inukwa this woman! Add your younger brothers to the game indeed!

This woman won’t kill me in my father’s house.

Written by Delle

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24 Comments

  1. Johnny
    October 18, 05:58 Reply

    Grindr? I have never met someone with senses on that platform.

    • Delle
      October 18, 16:22 Reply

      There are lots o! Lots my friend ?

  2. Lorde
    October 18, 06:43 Reply

    Your balls must be bigger than mine….playing grindr in your mother’s front

  3. WhoIsUgo
    October 18, 07:28 Reply

    Lmfaooo. I literally laughed out loud while reading this. Lmao. Delle you’re now a big boy, grindr-ing near your family? ?? I can’t even unlock my phone near my family ???

  4. O'pal
    October 18, 07:39 Reply

    I wonder what stopped you from muting the notifications… Sorry to say, that was pretty dumb.

  5. harmless
    October 18, 09:46 Reply

    very funny
    my mom will even tell u to teach her how to play

    • Delle
      October 18, 16:27 Reply

      Hian! What do they know they would be doing there?
      So they will say I’m the one that “infected” them with homosexuality abi should they eventually turn out to be gay? Mba biko.

  6. cedar
    October 18, 12:49 Reply

    pls just add d guys already, d younger d better. lol

  7. Mandy
    October 18, 12:55 Reply

    Hahahahahaa!!! This was seriously funny. My dear Delle, the gay man in you is pushing to be let out so he can breathe. Better listen to him. While we stay tuned for your coming out story. 😀

    • Delle
      October 18, 16:28 Reply

      Mandy it’s not me and you biko. ?

    • Delle
      October 18, 16:28 Reply

      I was on a dumb spree. Even I acknowledge this fact.

  8. quinn
    October 18, 20:33 Reply

    Too funny. for a second there I thought she’d spy on your phone from behind. Love this

    • Delle
      October 19, 00:48 Reply

      Who’ll allow her get behind me? Like literally!?

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