It was mother’s day just last Sunday, and I popped into Warri on Saturday to surprise my mom. She did not know I was coming, I did not even know I was going up till that morning; I got up to go for a run and before I knew what was happening, I just needed to see her and was en-route to Warri before 6am. You see, a mother’s love cannot be measured or understood, and the few times I have had cause to rethink my sexuality and the choices I have made were all because of her. I don’t want to be a disappointment to her (it will totally kill me). However, just like Khaleesi said the other day, I have to find a balance between staying true to myself and holding fast to her love. I must walk this thin line.

Anyway, I got to Warri and went straight to her store and the look on her face was priceless as she hugged me and tried hard not to cry. She probably never expected me to come as things have become awkward between us since she started chanting the M word. My sister came around with her kids, and a few other aunties were around, as my mom has always been the rallying point of both families. I stylishly avoided chatting too long with anybody, before they will ask for their iyawo and when I am planning on bringing her home.

Anyway I was sorting out some things from my old bedroom, ready to head back to Port Harcourt in the afternoon, when I heard my mom and her sister talking in her bed room.

Aunty: So, sister, finally you may not get an Igbo son or daughter in law. Odiegwu o! These your children sef

Mom: Well, that is what happens when you raise children across Nigeria. They end up meeting and marrying people from other tribes. We never really lived in Igbo land.

Aunty: What about Eric?

Eric (not real name, of course) is my elder brother who has been in a relationship with an Akwa-Ibom girl since their university days. Those girls never let a man go easily… Hello Jarch, Mercury 🙂

Mom: A Calabar girl has her hands on that one, forget it.

Both of them burst into laughter.

Aunt: And Dennis?

She mentioned my name as if she was treading cautiously, as if it was a taboo subject.

Mom: That one? *sigh* I won’t be surprised if that boy brings home a Japanese grandma or says he suddenly wants to become a monk. I am steeling myself for what Dennis will throw at me, so I won’t have hypertension. He gives me the most concern.

There and then, I became certain that she knows. I don’t think my cousin and his dad have said anything to her yet, but she knows (don’t they always know?). Even as I left Warri that afternoon, her voice was on a loop in my head. That one gives me the most concern…

*

The hottest guys in my company are the store keepers. There are many of them, mostly young and not very educated. The store is a cold storage facility, but because they are always loading and offloading trucks, they are always often shirtless with more than a few butt cracks showing (judge nut).

I love going down here to do inventory (I swear, it is part of my job description). And it’s like being in a strip club with loads of shirtless toned twinks ready to do your bidding. In their eyes, I am the big boss and most of them will be ready to play ball, but after that other bad experience I had, I am being very careful.

There is a particular one that leaves me all flustered, probably around 20 years, and he practically stalks me online. I left my phone in the store once and he brought it to me after of course using it to dial his own phone number and getting my number. He has sent me Whatsapp messages three times, which I have not responded to, but I still have not blocked him either. I know I am playing with fire, but I have not crossed any lines yet. And I probably won’t. But the guy’s brazen boldness is somewhat sexy to me.

*

I describe myself as a grindr tourist; I do not spend long periods of time enough on the app to make useful connections. It is not on my Blackberry, so I only have it on a device which I check mostly just before going to bed. And so I often don’t catch many people online. Last Friday however, most of my crew was not available and I spent the evening on grindr, looking for nothing in particular; just chatting. However I did observe a few hilarious things. Allow me to share them with you:

1. There are no bottoms on grindr, and this is really funny because we know there are so many bottoms around the block. However everyone on grindr is either top or versatile. Many gay men buy into the archetype that the top is the man and the bottom is the woman, and we know that based on our patriarchal systems in place, that the female is often considered less than male. So it will be a cold day in hell before some guys admit that they are bottoms or like taking dick. This also explains why you rarely meet older bottoms, because as these men approach 40, they pretend to become tops as they cannot be someone’s bitch at that age. This I think is the cause of this fad.

2. Photos! Photos!! Photos!!! People tell a lot of lies with photos on grindr, which I also find very funny. You chat up someone and next thing they ask for a photo. And when you send one, they either block you immediately (in that case, you guys have met before and you know he is NOT A TOP) or they send you an unclear picture of themselves. Some even send you a completely fake photo.

Here is what I started doing; if you ask for a photo, I will ask you to send yours first. Some will decline and our chat will end there, some will oblige and send you a photo. I will then proceed to send you a photo too based on the kind of photo you sent to me. Send a clear photo and you get same, send one in which you are wearing large sunglasses and you also get me in large shade plus a hat. Someone sent me a photo of Trey Songz, swearing it was him. I sent him a photo of Barack Obama, also swearing it was me. Our chat ended there, lol.

3. I don’t get the fuss about finding out what I do, as if I am going to reveal my job title along with my KPIs and KRAs to a stranger on a gay hookup app. It doesn’t make any sense to insist, and my solution is often to say I am a corper, and they either clam up or block me. lol.

At the end of the evening, I had a lot of fun and some laughs, but in my opinion, grindr may not be a good place to meet a guy if you are looking for something serious. Historically, my best relationships started organically; from having mutual friends, or when I come to buy a cake from you, or bring my car for you to fix etc. But then again, even that can sink. So, I don’t know.

*

On a final note, a friend of mine wants to find out something.

If you dated someone for some time and his photos or photos of you two together are all over your social media accounts, will it be petty to take them down after you break up?

Remember that I am asking for a friend.

XOXO

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