My landlord does not live in Port Harcourt, so he drops in and out of town, which works well for me, because the guy can like to hold you with political gist after a long day at work. He was a supporter of GEJ and with me being a Buharist, that ensured we were always on opposite sides of the coin. This man will jump out the moment you drive in and bring up one matter to argue over, even though you just got home and want to take a shower.

Anyways, I got home on this day and saw his car, so I knew he was around and I hurried inside before he would come out to hold me up to analyze the presidential elections. A few minutes later however, he sent someone to call me, and I groaned inwardly as I was not in the mood to argue. But he’s my landlord and old enough to be my father. So I went to answer him. Read our paraphrased conversation below.

Me: Good evening sir, welcome to Port Harcourt again. How was your trip?

LL: Good evening, my trip was fine. I know you are over the moon since your father has won the elections. Let us now see the magic he will perform.

Me: I have something on the fire. (My gas cylinder is even empty)

LL: Anyway, that is not why I called you. Some people complained about you to me and I decided to bring your attention to it. It’s about your conduct.

At this point, my heart rate increased. Was this a potential kito situation?

LL: This is awkward, but I will say it anyway. Some people in the compound complained that you don’t wear clothes at home, that you are always naked. This ordinarily would have been nobody’s business, but your flat is on the second floor and your curtains are very thin. So everybody can see you especially at night when you turn on the lights.

If I were light skinned (like some people here… No names) I would have blushed bright red.

LL: Many people are uncomfortable with this. We have children in this compound and the man next door has many teenage girls in his house, all of whom can see you at night. Either you buy very thick curtains or please, I beg you, start wearing clothes.

I was too embarrassed to say anything. So when he finished, I merely nodded and thanked him before leaving to my house.

Yes, I am a nudist and I am very proud of my body, and yes I like the feel of fresh air on certain body parts. But sincerely, I did not consider the fact that people can see me from outside. So until, I can afford to buy thick blinds (and more air-conditioning), I guess I have to give up being a nudist. Please are there any support groups for recovering nudists? Nudists Anonymous, anyone? Lol

*

I need help with something. I am a chronic insomniac. I don’t ever sleep well, no matter how hard I try. On a very generous day, I get four hours of sleep at night, and that is a very generous day. I realize it is a fall-out of study habits at the university, when I had to stay up till late in the night to study. But these days, it is no longer fun. I need my sleep.

I have tried everything – yoga, meditation, new age music. Yet nothing helps. Unless I open a bottle of something alcoholic, I could stare at my ceilings till 1am, and sometimes, still be up by 4am. I try to use the time to do stuff – write fiction, make entries into my journal, wash the toilet, do laundry etc. Sometimes I buzz my co-traveler on this insomnia journey who is none other than Pink Panther; that one, even if you buzz him by 3am, he will answer, because he will also be awake, as he is the life chair of Insomniacs Anonymous.

This also doesn’t help my fitness levels, as I find myself constantly snacking while I am awake. The other day, I had nothing in the house to eat and I started scooping spoonfuls of nutella into my mouth.

On a serious note though, I need suggestions on how to overcome this insomnia without having to depend on anything to sleep, as it is so bad that I cannot even take a long nap on a Saturday afternoon. These suggestions however should not involve giving up on drinking my beloved coffee (*side eye at JBoy and Mercury*). I cannot function without coffee please.

*

The thing about stereotypes is that they are not always true. Something happened a while back that further reminds me of this, and I want to share it today. There is this guy on twitter who expressed outrage when that antigay bill became law. He became an advocate for gay rights and sexual minorities, daily tweeting support and writing articles. He is also very good looking, and I was intrigued. So I followed him on twitter, and he followed back the same day. To me, that was a good sign. I was quickly becoming certain he was gay; my gay-o-meter was recording high voltage lol.

A few weeks later, I saw him tweet that he was in Port Harcourt, and was bored, and I instantly went into hoe-mood. I DM-ed him, got his phone number, and was outside where he was staying in less than an hour (the legendary Port Harcourt traffic could not stop me). He came out wearing a pink Tee, skinny jeans and floral perfume (Can it get any gayer than this?) and off we went to karaoke.

When I was certain he was drunk enough, I made a move and subtly put my hand on his, smiling at him as well. He looked down at my hand for like thirty seconds, smiled back at me and then withdrew his hand from my clasp, before saying, “I think you have the wrong impression about me”.

He went on to tell me that he was straight, and that his gay activism is borne out of his belief in justice and humanity, that he was flattered that a man would find him appealing, but unfortunately he would have to decline. This was one of the most awkward situations I have ever been in, but he handled it with so much tact that it wasn’t an issue, and we continued drinking and singing along to karaoke.

Stereotypes are not always true and I learned this the hard way. If it had been another person with less tact, perhaps empty cider bottles would have landed on my head, or I would have lost what has become an amazing friendship.

*

Finally, there is this account on grindr I want to warn you guys about. I am sure many of you would have come across the account; the owner has a muscular Caucasian male as his profile picture. He tells you he likes to show himself jerking off and can direct you to a site where you can watch him for free. Only that this site requires your credit card details to confirm that you are over 18, but reassures you that you don’t have to pay any money.

Na scam ooo! If you are foolish enough to fall for it (sorry, CK), after you enter those details, kiss all the money in that account goodbye. It is one guy who shuttles between Festac and Benin that operates this scam; and he is gay. My friend is on his trail. If we succeed in tracking him down and get his ID, I shall have his picture here. He has scammed so many people. Please be guided appropriately.

XOXO

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