I have something to say.
Two years ago, Love found me. It wasn’t a perfect love but I was happy – because he was my everything.
He was my muse.
He was my confidante.
He was my playmate.
He could predict my moods.
He made my welfare his priority, including knowing my favorite meals.
He knew how to get on my last nerve and how to calm me down.
He knew the right things to say when I was under pressure to get me feeling light again.
He was my first call whenever I needed something.
We did everything together. And we were everything to each other.
He is on the toilet seat, and I am brushing my teeth.
He was so everything to me that, at the smell of his shit, I could tell when he had eaten something different.
He was my everything.
Then he began to build walls. I saw the signs but I decided to give it time.
He began to keep secrets and stopped carrying me along. Our life together began deteriorating, from good to bad to worse.
And then he got tired of being so secretive – I suppose – when he told me that we weren’t exclusive anymore.
That was when I first felt the sting of bitter tears, as I remembered the words he used to fervently tell me: “I don't ever want to give you an excuse to leave me.”
And yet, here he was, doing exactly that.
And then, he took a decision – a decision to let go.
He wanted to commit to another – a woman – who he intended to spend the rest of his life with.
I was shattered. I cried. I was angry. I felt betrayed. This wasn’t supposed to be our story. I wasn’t supposed to lose him.
But I was. He wanted the relationship over so he could focus on being a married man.
This I tried to understand. He was right. We are in the world where people question the closeness of two men, especially when one of them is married and the other isn’t.
I understood because the society we are surrounded by will not allow us love who we want to.
And so, now I am left to feel like a toddler who is learning to walk again.
Love found me. And now, Love is gone.
It is hard to move on. But I will.
I do not have a choice, even while I’m faced with the reality of how much this hurts.
I still look at our pictures and videos, digital memories we created together, memories I’ll forever cherish. The memories I will always hold dear to my heart.
You are the love that found me. You are the love that left me.
You are the one who has made me the man who might never know this kind of love with another man.
And for all that, I thank you.
I thank you for the good and the bad.
I thank you for the pleasures and the pain.
I thank you for the promises fulfilled and the lessons learned.
I am starting to see through my tears and the questions about love and why it’s so wrong and yet so right have stopped raging in my heart.
I thank you for making me feel all the things I felt about you.
And even though my reality – and future – stretches without you in it, there is one truth that will forever stay with me.
And that is that I will always love you.