WATER, THICKER THAN BLOOD

WATER, THICKER THAN BLOOD

It was exactly 1.30am and I’d just concluded a very long conversation with Absalom. We have a habit of engaging on LGBT themed discussions and sometimes, it gets quite heated. Once again, like we had discussed before, we were talking about the options available to the Nigerian LGBT person as regards pandering to societal pressure and yes, marriage. Absie was of the opinion that we are yet to have a real conversation on the topic because we have not had the input of gay men and women who are married and/or are miserable in marriage. Perhaps, if we had real accounts of how life in the marital institution for the LGBT person is like, only then would we be in a position to accurately weigh the pros and cons of this quandary and perhaps make a more informed decision.

I agreed with him but pointed out how we have made the LGBT community very hostile to those among us who are married. We make them feel like they sold out and constantly make them see how they are everything we hate and stand against. When we begin to exclude some persons from the table, we lose whatever they can offer in the discussion. And by being hostile, we prove that we are no better than those who are hostile to us, since we uphold and execute an identical principle of hostility.

How do we expect to constantly cast aspersions on a person, just because something about them doesn’t sit well with us, and expect them to feel welcome? This ugly attitude rears its head in our interaction with not only MGM but also lesbians, bisexuals, transgender, asexuals, the effeminate gay men etcetera. Since you are not in the exact same situation as they are, you are simply not in a position to judge. Neither should you make them feel less. “Born this way!” we chant. But the Transgender comes to us and says, “Born this way!”, and we scoff. Are we so blind that we do not see what we have by choice become?

Life for the LGBT person is full of painful choices. If your painful choice is different from that of another, it doesn’t justify your criticism. We must get to a point where we give each other the benefit of a doubt and assume that each person knows how to manage their own lives, being unique. We must admit that the actor in the drama knows more about the intricacies of the plot than someone who is sitting in the audience. If a man chooses to jump off the top floor of a several storied building instead of fighting the monster on the stairs, it should tell you that the monster must really be formidable and ferocious. Given the choice of two painful experiences, you can make a suggestion, but you have no right to push a man to either. Let him who bears the yoke make the choice. Do not weep more than the bereaved.

After reading the post ‘Remembering Hell, Praying For Heaven’, about a gay guy who took his own life, I have not been the same. I especially felt distraught when I happened in the comments section of commenters recounting the people they’ve lost to suicide. I’m still grieving those suicides. So you see, people are indeed jumping off the roof. Sometimes they do it by getting married against their wishes, and at other times, they really do it – jump off the roof literally. I weep because there is just too much pain in the community. It is too much and we are not helping.

Let us for one minute tell ourselves the truth. Family is important and family is all we’ve got. It’s the last resort we can always fall back on in times of trouble. Coming out is likely not to go well in most Nigerian families. We expect a lot of rejection and pain. When gay men do as you say by coming out and their world rejects them, who will hold their hand? Who will promise to be there by their sides forever? Who will be a substitute for all the love and affection that family and friends once provided? Is it enough to just make demands of people, and not provide a support system they can fall back on? Not teach them how to survive, not teach them how to cope? For God’s sake, people are slitting their wrists in the closet! People are already unable to cope INSIDE THE CLOSET! Why can’t we start from there? How much else do you think they can take? How many of us have not either contemplated or attempted suicide? Should we not be focusing on how we can help each other?

I dream of a day when we will all gather in one room and have a real discussion about issues that plague the LGBT Nigerian. A day when we will drop all judgmental attitudes, sit, talk and really listen to each other. A day when all members of the LGBT community, whether single, married, closeted or out, would come together to open up their hearts and draw life and support from each other. It won’t be a day for handing down commands and imperatives. On that day, we would have realised that commands are simply not enough.

If such a day will come, it would not be a day when we put up a strong front, and mouth off philosophies that are not wet with the tears, blood and sweat of experience. Not a day when we will push ideologies based on personal experience on others, assuming that they must somehow see the world just as we do. It will not be a day for discrimination against the OTHER just because we don’t understand what they are. It will be a day of weeping and lamentation. People will need to get hugged, have their hands held and told they are loved. On that day I hope, we will create a huge, warm, substitute family. Mentorships will be instituted and enduring alliances will be forged.

Our current haphazard approach will not lead anywhere. Do we even have any approach? I hear criticism, I hear condemnation, but I hear no strategy. We are not seeing the real issues. We are happy to come here and act like everything is okay. I don’t know how many of us here have ever had to beg a gay man not to commit suicide. How are we going to handle all this pain?

We have to become better than who we are at the moment. We have become a people who are not patient to understand human suffering before judging it; people who are more interested in cheap popularity, looking cool and coming off as the smartest in the bunch. When last did someone in the community hold your hand, look you in the eye and ask, “How are you?” It’s easy to judge, condemn and tear each other down. Love is what is hard and the weak cannot provide it. But we can try.

Those who have come to self-acceptance must engage others and teach them to do the same. We should come to a point where people really talk about issues. Not those conversations where everybody’s ego is in the way and everybody has something to prove. Really frank, open hearted conversations where people are relaxed enough to become vulnerable, without the fear that something personal they reveal will be used against them in the future. Where people can be seen sweating in their struggle to understand the other person. Where people who have messed up still get have their hands held tightly nonetheless. Where people who loathe themselves get hugged and loved into seeing themselves as the beautiful beings that they are. Only then will the strong among us pour their strength into the weak and closely knit support systems will be put in place for people who damn the world to fall back on.

The journey threatens to be a long arduous one. We will need as many good old friends we can gather, as much support and hand-holding that we collectively can provide.

We can be water that is thicker than blood.

Written by Sensei

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59 Comments

  1. Mandy
    March 18, 06:20 Reply

    There’s just so many aspects of this mind-blowing piece that got to me. But let me just settle on this bit:

    We should come to a point where people really talk about issues. Not those conversations where everybody’s ego is in the way and everybody has something to prove. Really frank, open hearted conversations where people are relaxed enough to become vulnerable, without the fear that something personal they reveal will be used against them in the future. Where people can be seen sweating in their struggle to understand the other person. Where people who have messed up still get have their hands held tightly nonetheless. Where people who loathe themselves get hugged and loved into seeing themselves as the beautiful beings that they are. Only then will the strong among us pour their strength into the weak and closely knit support systems will be put in place for people who damn the world to fall back on.

    The journey threatens to be a long arduous one. We will need as many good old friends we can gather, as much support and hand-holding that we collectively can provide.

    We can be water that is thicker than blood.

    BRILLIANT! And what hope you have for the Nigerian LGBT community, Sensei. I don’t mean to be a downer, but this is a huge ask. Why, even here on KD, we have KDians who sneer at what they call the admin’s attempt to make everyone go kumbaya.

  2. Dubem
    March 18, 06:24 Reply

    A call for Utopia in the Nigerian LGBT community.
    In the light of how dangerous the general public proves to still be toward us (#IAmAkin), may we answer this call?

  3. Absalom
    March 18, 07:01 Reply

    But are these ideologies so terrible?

    What happens to dreaming of a better life where one gets the respect one deserves?

    I think we do not dream enough as a community, hence we want the goodies we see in other countries but not the hard work involved.

    “Coming out is likely not to go well in most Nigerian families.” – Well, colour me surprised! This is not news at all. One statistic I saw says there’s a 50% chance of rejection from family if you’re LGBT. Maybe we need to start getting used to that. There’s a limit to what one can sacrifice for anyone in this short life.

    Part of our problem, I think, is nearly all of us have closed our minds to the coming-out step (which comes after self-acceptance). A life outside of heteronormativity, a life where family may no longer have our backs…we seem reluctant to think about it…and prepare for that black day. The Nigerian gay man has it all figured out when it comes to having kids or eventually playing hetero; but coming out, nah!

    And when one talks, they will say you’re making mouth. #sigh.

    Sha…

    I’m not denigrating the suffering of others. I’m just saying it’ll be nice to dream of being treated like a real human being one day and not be referred to as “a gay” ? – or God forbid, murdered in cold blood by a mob.

  4. Dennis Macaulay
    March 18, 07:19 Reply

    The murder of that guy again rocked my world, that could have been me pulled out of my house and murdered by the same people I have made small talk with in the morning while putting water in the radiator.

    I agree with Sensei we have to change strategy….heck we don’t even have a strategy besides judging ourselves each one striving to prove that they are the baddest bitch on the block.

    In this large puzzle everybody has a role to play (no puns please) and everybody will bring something to the table. You want to fly and run away to utopia? Well I do too but people paid for the liberty you want to go and enjoy there; some with their blood.

    We have to come together and forge a strategy to begin to deal with this situation. I remember being at a public event recently where homosexuality was mentioned as a vice and before I could stop myself I grabbed the microphone and constructively engaged the speaker on that point. He said culture; I reminded him that in my place you can inherit your father’s wives and/or brothers wife when he dies, in some parts you can offer your wife to a visitor to have her for the night. He said religion; I read a few of my now favorite parts of the bible and asked him why women who lose their virginity in their father’s house a are not stonned to death as the good book commands.

    I defined a vice as something that has a negative externality and I asked anybody sitting in the audience to point one externality of homosexuality albeit negative or not; someone said procreation and I shot that down with infertile couples and senior citizens who still get married.

    I think that most Nigerians are ignorant about this issue and because we are majorly defensive and scared we don’t see that its ignorance that drives them.

    If you want to live your life on your own and avoid any “wahala” that’s fair enough, but if you wish for a better Nigeria for a gay man to live you must be willing to get your hands dirty no matter how little.

    Everybody; lesbian, bisexual, married, single etc every one of us has a role to play in this puzzle and we have to come together to fight our battles because we have just seen that not even the police will lift a finger for us.

    I believe in the coming weeks this strategy will become clearer and I urge everybody to do something, don’t keep quiet. Akin was killed, it could be any of us

    • Delle
      March 18, 13:59 Reply

      I’ve got to admit, this was good. Umm…I borrowed some bashing points shaa, hope you don’t mind?
      *off to slice throats on facebook4

  5. Max 2.1
    March 18, 08:15 Reply

    Human beings are weak and no matter how you see it, the choices we make sends a clear message to our younger generation and thats why I don’t support MGMs.

    I really don’t care if they’re happy or sad in their chosen path, however I try to make my stand that their choice isnt the way to go if we want any form of acceptance. We cannot keep bending to the rules of society just because we’re scared of losing family.

    I don’t see a way out if we keep doing this. Cumbaya isn’t going to work in this case.. We can’t all hold hands and pretend everything is fine. Even in Nigeria we’re not at peace with each other.. Yoruba Vs Igbo Vs Fulani Vs Hausa… and the list goes on.

    I agree with some parts of the piece and disagree with some.. You cannot please everybody @Sensei, stop trying to be an overall good person, it never works.

    • Pink Panther
      March 18, 08:37 Reply

      ‘You cannot please everybody @Sensei, stop trying to be an overall good person, it never works.’

      That right there shows you didn’t get the thrust of the message he was trying to pass across.

    • Colossus
      March 18, 09:05 Reply

      Ah yes, there it is.
      Sensei you Don hear, stop being an overall good person, it sucks. Be a partial good person, be good to some, bad to others and indifferent to the rest. Overall goodness is a myth, stop it you hear, stop it now!

    • SomeoneBorrowed
      March 18, 09:07 Reply

      The point, Max, is that despite people’s life choices, and our opinions on these choices, we should learn to love them and quit attacking. What comes naturally to you doesn’t come natural to the next person. That people give in to societal pressures should not elicit hate and scorn from you, instead, love and support.

      • Dennis Macaulay
        March 18, 09:59 Reply

        And you will think a gay man would get this easily, but alas….

        Tsk Tsk

      • ambivalentone
        March 18, 11:04 Reply

        Frankly, if the advice an MGM is gonna give me as a young, upcoming, recently-embarking-on-a-journey-of-self-discovery gay guy does not involve how to avoid nagging family and friends and how to build self confidence in my sexuality without bending to societal pressures, then this WHOLE POINT IS MOOT. We will keep being on the fringes of the consciousness of the society. You don’t ask someone who has failed at what u hope to achieve mentor you. You will only try to avoid their mistakes. And trust me, it IS hard to respect failures.

        • Wayfaring Stranger
          March 18, 11:18 Reply

          There can be a category for you to be able choose the sort of mentor you’d like.

          I wouldn’t mind having an MGM mentor to show me the ropes.

          • ambivalentone
            March 18, 11:31 Reply

            *snorts* I expected a comment like this. I’m sure u would (and ppl like u). Sneak fucks on the side is so noble. Worthy of emulation. Makes u evidently feel macho. Boss like. Or perhaps, in d spirit of this kumbaya, character building grudging celibacy in marriage. Lol+RME Biko, clear make I see rd for better ppl abeg

              • Francis
                March 18, 11:43 Reply

                Asin eh…the thing just dey baffle me. Like what the f**k happened? ??

                • Pink Panther
                  March 18, 11:46 Reply

                  It makes me wonder whether his scorn comes from a reaction to something beyond a mere moralistic standpoint to a personal bad experience with an MGM.

            • Wayfaring Stranger
              March 18, 11:48 Reply

              You need to go and deal with your anger some other way, boy.

              What is sneak fuck? I was trying to suggest an idea and you’re turning it around on me? Not everything is about sex. Go and find a hobby.

              • Pink Panther
                March 18, 11:54 Reply

                And that’s ironic, really. It’s funny how he exhibited the degrading attitude of the homophobe. They all like to think that gay men are simply about sex. They hear homosexuality and they think sex. Ambivalentone saw your comment and bingo! he saw sex. Funny really, how in the height of our denigration, we resemble the homophobes we despise so much.

              • ambivalentone
                March 18, 12:57 Reply

                Please please please!!! I have asked the ability of an MGM in advisory capacity to a young gay man and I listed 2 initially and 2 finally but of course it had to be the last two that was hammered on because it was deemed ‘sexual’. I’m sure y’all will keep on wondering what I’ve got against MARRIED FOLKS. Keep at it.

                BTW, I really really REALLY cannot find where and how there is dissent among the Queer ranks. Because a lesbian chickened out on writing memoirs because of some nasty comments? I bet loads of ppl love and adore Ellen. I remember many other ppl wanted to be friends with them. Heck, some wanted to marry them. Because (whats that trans guy’s pseudonym) who comments on here got negative comments when he said he’s trans??? Did not the same ppl applaud Bruce when he transitioned? More visibility we crowed. And someone says we don’t like ourselves??? I am yet to see. What I do see is that African unimaginativeness that it is even possible someone DARED be DIFFERENT. I also see FEAR. Undescribable fear for so many reasons I can’t begin to mention. I saw that fear and unimaginativeness again on that Onyx and Denrele post. Fear of losing another member of the community to the hatred of regulars. Fear of being outed by force because u ‘know’ that queer fellow. THEN you EXPECT the queer community to accept Straight Actors, MGMs, MBMs and Bi who can afford to not be different???
                FINALLY, this IS a small community. Since the world became a global village, Europe, America are not the fantasy paradise they always seemed when I was littler. That tells me something. Faults are highlighted when occupied space is small.

        • Colossus
          March 18, 13:07 Reply

          You see all MGM as failures? Oh boy, the things we do see, the things we read, it’s funny and sometimes an enigma. We have come to believe that every man who got married did so out of societal or family pressure.
          We commit the fallacy of hasty generalisation, we lump up everybody and place them in the same boat. How is that different from how the homophobe views us?
          I have accepted the fact that not all of us are smart, I was just hoping the number does not exponentially increase.
          Like you said, it really is so hard to respect failures. I just wonder why we’ve come to respect Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, Madam Curry, Florence Nightingale, Eminem, Beyonce, Leonardo Da Vinci, Leonardo Di Carprio, and a whole lot of them. People who have failed at a lot of things, people who are humans, people who ain’t perfect. Nna jisike, you are on to something.

          • ambivalentone
            March 18, 13:51 Reply

            REALLY? You are quoting Einsten and Jobs? LOOOOOOL Of course, MGMs, MBMs and MSMs are like those ‘brainless failures who will never amount to nothing’. They cheated and ‘blended in’ their way into getting it right….after so many opportunities. Lwkmd

            • Colossus
              March 18, 14:12 Reply

              *Colossus Stop it, stop it right now. Don’t bother moving forward, don’t you dare try to win a virtual point, walk away man, walk away*.

        • Tiercel de Claron
          March 18, 13:58 Reply

          “Whether a man wades through a river,or water from the river floods the man’s house,makes no difference.The main issue Is that the man’s feet are in the water.”

          Does not matter really that u feel MGMs are weak or that some personal experience soured you towards the lot,we have enemies at the gate,a siege about laid at our doorstep.All this post is asking is that we lay our reservations aside for a bit,come together n better our lot.
          Time we bailed the water while it is yet ankle-deep

          • ambivalentone
            March 18, 17:35 Reply

            How can u tell us to lay problems that are not even common aside? The ‘enemies at the gate’ will not take us serious if, at every turn, we try to be like them waving our ‘Fitting Right In; The Homosexual’s Guide to Passing For Heterosexual’ manuals because we are already different. I identify with Lesbians, Trans, Bisexuals (sometimes…lol) and Intersexuals. I identify with their struggles and pains. The struggles of feeling different, Abused and Insulted for not being what society wants us to be. The fear of being mobbed (gays and trans) and raped straight (lesbians). The fear of loneliness in my old age, to walk d streets hand-in-hand with le beau. The desire to live with the love of my life in our own home. The desire to have my own children without fucking dt man or woman. The aching need to dress femme, make-up to the club without being threatened, molested or extorted from. The desire to be promoted at work because I deserve to be not because I av to show them d certificate to a sham marriage/marriage of convenience. THOSE are my problems. I WAS BORN THAT WAY. I do not, CAN NOT identify with Married folks who because they did not want to experience our struggles, created new ones for themselves. THEY MADE THEMSELVES THAT WAY!!!

        • chuck
          March 18, 18:24 Reply

          Well said, ambivalent one

    • Francis
      March 18, 10:56 Reply

      There’s no such thing as being too good a person UNLESS some idiots are taking advantage of your goodness.

  6. Silver Cat
    March 18, 08:25 Reply

    For a while now, I’ve not been on KD simply because the drama was becoming unbecoming. Masked Man my new boo convinced me to come back, even if it was just as a peeping tom which I have been doing, until now.
    Sensei, this article was just spot on. We need to do more…scrap that, we need to do something. We are so busy judging each other that we aren’t loving each other and that just sucks. I used to think that where 2 or more queer folk are gathered together, it will be a loving and nurturing environment (call it Kumbaya singing if U must), but even this virtual gathering has been a hunger game of some sort.
    I want to make a difference. I want to help other queer folks. I want to mentor because no one mentored me and I am a mess. I don’t want anyone else to become the kinda mess I am. I am a doctor, I get by on very little sleep so I can take that call late in the night from someone who has had it and doesn’t know who to talk to or what to do.
    I believe other doctors in the house can and will too. Non-medics aren’t left out; Pinky, DM, Sensei, Max, anyone who feels they are up to it. We can do this, we should do this. The hate aimed at us from outside is much, they will kill us all if they have their way. Let us not do it for them by killing ourselves or killing each other. Pinky please get back to me on this, we need to do something. P/S reply my mail.

      • Mandy
        March 18, 09:57 Reply

        Max, you do realize you’re one of those who should stand corrected by this comment you like

      • Mandy
        March 18, 09:59 Reply

        Silver Cat is preaching tolerance and a few comments above, you’d made it clear that there are members of the community you have no patience to tolerate. And yet you like this comment. Lol. You’re a real case of contradictions.

        • Max 2.1
          March 18, 11:14 Reply

          He came at it from a better angle…from my view. Maybe its the way he wrote it or whatever.. The point is- I like it.

  7. Terra
    March 18, 08:55 Reply

    This is a good one. Sensei is right. We need to be better. Even from here in KD, I see no reason why people can’t disagree without getting mean and personal with their comments. I don’t understand why being “kumbayah” is a bad thing. Nobody says agree with everything, but it’s really not necessary to be a dick about it when you disagree

  8. Geeluv
    March 18, 10:02 Reply

    I foresee a better tomorrow…. #GODHELPUS#

  9. Francis
    March 18, 10:54 Reply

    Thanks once again for another beautiful beautiful post that seeks to unite us against all odds.

  10. You-Know-Who
    March 18, 11:13 Reply

    Great write up sensei.
    Gay community is busy tearing each other apart and pulling each other down. it really is sad scenes in the Nigeria gayborhood. we need to pull together and sing Kumbaya (if we have to) to make progress.

    Max needs to tone down on his irate attitude. its unbecoming to keep watching it from the sidelines.

  11. Dennis Macaulay
    March 18, 11:51 Reply

    Each person’s journey is different! How can you people not get it? How?

    I don’t understand many of you tbh! MGMs are the scum of the (gay) society and traitotrs to the cause bla bla bla. Its quite funny to watch some of you sermonise.

    Time will tell hon, time will tell. We will all still be alive hopefully!

    • Max 2.1
      March 18, 15:17 Reply

      Its never gonna happen!!!! Never!!

  12. Tiercel de Claron
    March 18, 13:34 Reply

    *sitting pretty with my guguru at’epa*

    PP,you know where to reach me when we finally make water flow upill

  13. Delle
    March 18, 13:54 Reply

    So I’m loving this piece so much, it’s mind blowing.

    The issue of MGMs have cropped up here more times than several and I can’t say I don’t see it (it’s very conspicuous) but I really have nothing to contribute seeing as I don’t mingle with them, so whenever Max and a few others rise up in ‘judgement’ against them, I look away. Maybe it’s not so much of a good thing, but I’d rather not say anything about something I know nothing of than say gibberish…except this: the life of an MGM isn’t amiable at all. For someone like me (and some few others) who can’t be aroused by a woman, not in the slightest bit, I don’t enjoy thinking about the life of an MGM. Although brave, it’s not something I look forward to. I mean, you’re gay (loving ‘just’ men is what makes you gay, right?), so how do you get ‘it’ up for a woman? Or are there no MGMs but rather, MBMs? Maybe that’s where all the confusion and fracas stems from, the wrong labelling, no? That’s my major headache in all of these. I’m not all for the cheating thingy cos even overly straight couples, gay couples cheat on each other. Like my mum would say, ‘Cheat o, what’s my own? But don’t let me catch you. Finish.’ So, why should an MGM’s (or is it MBM?) be different?

    It’s quite an unfortunate thing that we are the murderers of ourselves. It’s a known fact that hate gotten from someone you love or respect, is worse than that gotten from an outsider, no matter the difference in its concentration. Maybe, just maybe, that conference, the Big Get-Together, the Round Table meeting with just LGBT folks is what we need. We need to do away with the spite and bigotry we have amongst ourselves before thinking to tackle that coming from people who don’t understand what it means to have undaunting affection for your fellow man/woman.

    • Max 2.1
      March 18, 15:28 Reply

      Its not bravery, it’s cowardice.. The only problem I have with people here is that they see MGM’s as victims, pressured by society to bend blah blah blah, and thats somehow supposed to make them have the same struggles with us? So they’re supposed to be part of the oppressed people???

      I’m not crucifying any MGM but I just don’t want anyone to see them as some sort of brave people or people who are marginalized. These are people who form a greater threat than we think. They’re part of the people who make gay people pessimistic about gay relationships when they say things like- “after all everyone is going to get married someday, it’s not like this is forever”. When you look around at the age of 35-40, you’ll find out that you don’t have any gay friends anymore who isnt married.. And they usually distance themselves from other gay people(for cover) except when they’re seeking boys to slaughter.
      So I’m sorry once again for not understanding the pain of being an MGM
      I’m sorry that I may never understand what pushed them into getting married to someone theyre not remotely attracted to
      I’m sorry that I don’t think they’re part of the community
      I’m sorry for seeing them as scums

      But I’m not sorry for thinking they’re a set back to our cause…

      • Delle
        March 18, 16:15 Reply

        I totally get where you are coming from and although I’m not bashing any MGM, I think you’re right on this one. That thing of ‘You must get married someday’ irritates the fuck out of me! Like, is it by force? I don’t think I can live the life of deceit cos I will keep saying this, a gay man is someone who likes men…getting married to a woman, isn’t that contradictory? How do you make love seeing as the thought of it makes me want to gag? Or is there a pill you take, cos I really don’t get it. It’s either there are no MGMs but MBMs or there’s something I’m skipping. Well, if that’s the life you live, a gay married man, then I’m sorry but that to me is deceitful and off-putting.
        I’m still waiting to see an entry by an MGM, let it not be that we’re castigating unjustly and without a cause to. But that life confuses me no end.

        • wytem
          March 18, 19:05 Reply

          @Delle and Max,you dont understand MGMs and MBMs so stop! Wait until you get an insight into their lives.

          • Marc Francis of Chelsea
            March 18, 21:39 Reply

            I agree with most people against MGMs. If you are bi and marry a woman, it’s as simple as don’t cheat on her. If you are a gay man and marry a woman, then come and tell me it’s because “we must all marry some day,” then that is bending to societal pressure. You still should not cheat on her, physically or emotionally. I don’t blame you though. It’s easier said than done to just say fuck your family and be strong.

            Personally, I’ve always said I will never get married to a woman. Even with all my family pressure, I’ve never brought a girl home because I don’t even want them to have a glimmer of hope that it will happen. My ex told me one day that he was getting ready to find a wife. His best friend (also gay) had just gotten married and he’d be hinting at it using the “we must all start families” line. I dumped him a few days later because I’m in it for the long haul and I am not willing to share my boo with anyone.

            Go and start your family, but don’t date guys on the side. It’s insulting to reduce our relationships to sex, but the whole institution of marriage is supposed to be two people in love and staying together forever. Straight men cheat but that doesn’t make it right and you are not justified because you need male attention. If you needed it that bad then you shouldn’t have married.

            You can very well be a gay man and be married. Share our plight and our struggles but do not cheat on your spouse.

  14. Khaleesi
    March 18, 15:15 Reply

    wow Sensei, beautiful, you always manage to Fuck my mind hard each time you write … Coming out is one of the hardest things to be especially in this society and from incidents i’ve witnessed, coming out in this part of the world doesnt translate to acceptance, often, it leads to more intense pressure to “ditch” the bad habit and get with a woman, after an intense prayers and deliverance session.
    many LGBT struggle with severe damage wrought by religion and cherry picked culture, it’ll be close to impossible to overcome a lifetime of conditioning and stand together when many are still struggling with severe guilt issues …

    • Delle
      March 18, 16:24 Reply

      ‘wow Sensei, beautiful, you always manage to Fuck my mind
      hard each time you write’
      Lol Khaleesi. You don’t say?

  15. bruno
    March 18, 17:06 Reply

    sensei you don’t think as a community, we aren’t doing ourselves any favours if we keep getting married to women?

    we are supposed to not discuss that because we dont want to hurt MGM’s feelings?

    how do we discuss and make any progress towards visibility, representation, meaningful same sex relationships or even tackling homophobia if we all end up with some woman at 30? how on earth are we supposed to change the mind of the society when we keep bending to its will.

    a gay kid who decides to be true to himself today and not be in a loveless deceitful relationship, who does he have to look up to around? no one. all the men chasing him all go back to their wives at night. are these not real issues?

    do we keep quiet about this it because we don’t want MGMs to cry?

  16. Brian Collins
    March 18, 17:45 Reply

    School has been driving me nuts the past few weeks and network coverage has not been helping matters. Just saw HTGAWM’s season 2 finale and decided to drop a msg for Deola but I happened on this instead.
    I read this and read the Suicide post also and I was really moved. Everyone on KD should pls promise to not let anything or anyone make them commit suicide. Pls don’t be too proud or too depressed to seek help.

    Still gotta say to Deola though, “Berra thunder will fire you if you do not rate HTGAWM’s finale a 9 at least”.

    • Kenny
      March 18, 18:38 Reply

      Just be watching Deola o. Nigga hasn’t dropped a review in 2 weeks. Deola if you’re reading this, you have fans and your fans have needs. *sharpens knives and waits for Deola not to send in a review*

    • Mitch
      March 18, 18:49 Reply

      I swear down! Deola had better come up with a great review for that flawless episode

  17. chuck
    March 18, 18:30 Reply

    when you compare the hostility of homophobes and the hostility towards cheaters and liars you perform a dangerous example of “false equivalence”.

    @Sensei we had a conversation where you tried to argue that relativism makes it impossible to declare MGM wrong. First of all, you evaluate a behaviour by comparing it to the Norms of the beliefs that the person exhibiting that behavior holds. If you’re a Christian that lies, why should your wrong behavior not be called out?

    Also, relativism does not promote tolerance. What happens when one group believes that it’s norms include killing off gays? It means we can’t judge them, unless we can prove that there are some universal rules that prevent killing of gays, which would then invalidate relativism.

  18. Francis
    March 18, 20:11 Reply

    MGBMs the time for damage control is so NOW! Bikonu start writing even if it means using a fresh moniker so as not to feel the full insults of “unrepentant haters”. Gracias ????

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