GHOSTS OF VALENTINES PAST
I’m a 24 year old gay man who has never had a Valentine’s Day celebration with a lover at his side. It’s either I’m meeting him a month after this goddamn overrated holiday or we are breaking up a month before (both instances have occurred), leaving too much space in time to think about at least a post breakup or pre-dating Valentine’s Day gift exchange.
Believe me, it’s not fun spending this holiday observing a facial resection and reconstruction in an overcrowded theatre for a man who’s got a tumor on his jaw (Side effects of blowjobs, anyone?).
Sometimes I wonder how nice it’ll be to spend the holiday with someone special, going out to eat, and then a movie, and then nasty-ass sex in a room filled with red roses – Wait! I’d skip that meal; my walls have to be clean for that nasty-ass session to go smoothly.
I’ve been watching this couple strutting around school for a while now, joking around and being playful in public like being gay in Nigeria isn’t a punishable offense, and I must say I’m envious, envious of what the two of them share. Just two days ago, I was furious after my choir leader chewed me out for something I did not do; I’d climbed the stage after his chastisement, backed up a song, even with my fury burning a hole somewhere inside of me. As I sang, my angry eyes darted through the crowds, landing on every big hat, short dress, expensive suit, and the sometimes hot guys in them. My eyes kept skimming the crowd until they casually passed by this couple. I saw the light-skinned boy, singing along to the lyrics of “Praise Him, Praise Him” while playfully swaying and nudging his boyfriend, shoulder to shoulder, with every sway; and he was grinning from ear to ear. His boyfriend however, remained silent and still, his body and head only moving to the right in response to the push from the boo. He too was just smiling, acting like he didn’t like what Le Boo was doing. I looked away, still fuming.
Two songs later, my emotions had cooled to an indifference. My anger has gone, but my eyes were still sweeping through the crowd. And my stare landed on those two again. This time, my eyes stayed on them. They looked so happy. (I have a feeling they are reading this). And unprovoked, my mind flashed back like a movie, to two years ago when I was the light-skinned boy, nudging Gerry to the same songs, in the same church, and smiling. He was always the other boy, silent, still, smiling, hands in his pocket, looking around like he was lost. He’d laugh as my shoulder brushed against his, and two seats ahead, a tall, ebony-skinned, bearded man would look back and smile fleetingly at us. Gerry would murmur that the man is looking back because he fancies me, but I suspected – I knew he was merely drawn to our young love.
And now, with startling clarity, I couldn’t help but think about how I’d switched from the light-skinned lover nudging his bae to the ebony-coloured onlooker eyeing a young couple playing love while in church.
I remember Gerry – his beautiful eyes, sweet voice and perfect toothy smile. I’d always joked that he could land a plane on his incisors. I remember our Sunday brunches at GDC, immediately after service, his fork always invading my plate and picking at my bigger piece of chicken, his inability to finish a measly scoop of fast food rice, the beaming photos we’d take afterwards. I also remember calling him “Bae” without thinking in front of the cashier that day, and observing the puzzled expression that eclipsed the young woman’s face as she looked from me to him and no doubt pondered why I’d be calling a guy bae.
I remember his dreadful farts and how they always woke me up in the mornings; then I in turn would wake him with a cuddle and a kiss. Sometimes the farts would get out of hand, and I wouldn’t bother with the cuddle and kiss; I’d simply shake him awake and send him off to the bathroom to empty his colon of whatever radioactive substance he was harbouring in his alimentary canal.
I also remember our last month together; when I finally told him he had my heart, after four months of being together. I remember the distance that followed after, the indifference that’d mar his face whenever I did something sweet. My eggs suddenly became dry and salty, and my sausages were not fried the way he wanted them. I remember our last argument over something so trivial, I honestly cannot remember the cause. And finally when he broke up with me over Fucking BBM!
I just started talking to Gerry, a tentative reconnection. It’s a little weird. He says he misses us, but I don’t buy it. I still miss him, and I’m happy we dated. With him, I got to know what love feels like, even though it didn’t last.
And now, today, as I write this, it is 8.05 pm on the 14th of February. I am alone in my room, with no boo to pull me out of this damn plastic table, and give me some Valentine dicking. After I submit this to the Powers-that-be, I plan on going to the fast-food joint down the road. I’ll buy as much junk food as I can afford with this one thousand naira, and stuff my face with it… Because, let’s face it, there’s no love greater than self-love… Well, except God’s love for us. That, and the fact that my body needs to drown this lonely Val-less feeling I have.
And tomorrow morning, I’ll wake up and work out the calories from this junk food binge I’m about to go on, take a shower, go to school and watch another disgusting Caesarian section.
Written by Lorde
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19 Comments
Mandy
February 17, 07:31It’s a much tougher Valentine if you’ve got memories of a past love to emphasize how lonely you are. This story feels so familiar. Feels like my story.
#TeamNoValentine #TeamSelfLove
Xavier Thicc
February 17, 07:51Nice one Lorde…
We are the same on the last val..
Just alone,no boo or Bea..
I haven’t dated anyone in my entire life..I see the way some of my friends go about their dating,gives me the reason to be in my shell..
Today one will tell me that I have love,ask him about the guy after 3 days,he will say they are not together anymore..It keeps happening to some of my friends except one who is in PH dating his lover for over 5 years now…
OAN…Please Dearie’s, is anything really wrong with me?
I will be 31 this year I have dated anybody(girls inclusive) My sheets are still clean,haven’t had sex with a guy( not to talk of a lady)..never a fan of wanking..
.My friends says I am sick but I know I am well irrespective of all these…
I really Dont want to touch a life when I would only mean to break a heart,thats my fear…
I am having a bubbling career now ,I know it would be better with time…So let me hear from you all..
Are my friends correct?
Simba
February 17, 08:49Xavir… The question should be, do u want to have sex with anyone? Are u sexual?? If u don’t have those urges, then fuck whatever anybody thinks…
Xavier Thicc
February 17, 08:58Thanks Simba..Your words are soothing!
Delle
February 17, 11:00Whoop! Whoop! Dear KDians, let’s welcome our first openly asexual member!
Ziti
February 17, 11:48Just when I thought I was the only abnormal person in life!i’m 26 and I can so relate to your story,no love,no sex nothing!and I kept thinking I had a problem!but you being 31 I think you deserve the crown ? ….Lol
Hopefully we find what we Long for soon.
Edo
February 17, 21:30dude, oh my days! I’m going to be 31 this year also. I wish we could chat privately… I think you are alright. variety is the spice of life.
simba
February 17, 08:46Ditch the Choir…..have u heard.?
Ur time,..shall come, likewise everyone’s else
Delle
February 17, 10:57This was soulful and a damn good reflection of my life.
On that day, after lectures, I treated myself to a meal of akpu and ogbono soup, plopped on my bed afterwards and slept into the night.
Valentine’s Day is just a day abeg. Another day in the life of a gay man who is looking up to the rainbow gods to crown his hustle.
Nel
February 17, 17:39How did I spend the Val evening after an uneventful day at school?
Write notes from an annoying 140 minute recording.
After which the loneliness and the thought of what others had planned for the night set right back in.
But EFF all that – nothing F??D and unlimited movies won’t solve. And I slept, happy I saw “Honey 3” and the amazing bods on display ???.
I’ll just enjoy this time and try to glow in #SELFLOVE!
Eddie
February 17, 19:18valentine makes me sick…reminds me of how alone i am and rubs other couples (especially straight folks) PDA in my face….i mean how abso-fucking-lutely annoying can it get lol
omiete
February 17, 21:16I agree lorde no better love than self love. #AlonenotLonely #TeamSelfLove and Xavier my first guess too is that you are asexual or perhaps the right one hasn’t come. But if it doesn’t get u depressed then ure definitely not sick.
Delle
February 18, 09:15So many single people on KD. Maybe PP should think of starting up a hook-up session sometime. You can never tell where your true love would walk in from…lol
Drone
February 18, 10:21“Hook up Session”
LMAO
iAmNotAPerv
February 19, 21:45Am i the only one that actually enjoyed Val’s day with bae??
Pink Panther
February 20, 06:03Yes. By all means, rub it in our faces. 🙂
iAmNotAPerv
February 20, 09:03yes oh!
In other news, the Hustle of a Rainbow will be updated on Wednesday.
TJ
September 08, 21:55Xavier Thicc,
I am going through the archives and your response excites me. In a world where we often find meaning in others, majority cannot look inwards and draw strength, and fulfilment from their inner man, and the activities the like doing. May on this side of sexual incline, even belief that sex is the essence, missing out on self-development and professional advancements in life. I hope you are excelling at your profession and finding a meaningful life.
If you so wish, you can even shoot me an e-mail at jimtion01@gmail.com, and we can chat more. Regards
TJ
September 08, 21:57Hey Lorde,
I am going through the archives and your response excites me. In a world where we often find meaning in others, majority cannot look inwards and draw strength, and fulfilment from their inner man, and the activities the like doing. May on this side of sexual incline, even belief that sex is the essence, missing out on self-development and professional advancements in life. I hope you are excelling at your profession and finding a meaningful life. I hope you are enjoying your medical profession and making great progress with your practice?
If you so wish, you can even shoot me an e-mail at jimtion01@gmail.com, and we can chat more. Regards