IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 31)
November 8
For a while now, people have been making fun of my belly. Or at least just drawing notice to it. I walk around without a shirt at home and my cousin would come and wrap her hand around me and joke that she’s struggling to reach either of her arms and I’d laugh. One time my brother quipped that they talked about me at home and how I could end up like one of my obese uncles. My mum makes comments about it too, saying it’s because I don’t play sports. “Why can’t you have a toned body like your brothers?” she would say exasperatedly.
I usually laugh at it all the ribbing. But most times, it stings. And I’ve started avoiding looking at myself in the mirror because when I do, I hate what I see.
I’m still skinny, at least my arms and legs are. But now I’ve got this girth around my stomach so I look like I’m pregnant especially after I eat. So, I get scared of eating, but I need to eat. So, I eat only a little, then eat nothing else for a long period of time, so that by the time I’m hungry, I end up wolfing down a lot more than normal.
Sometimes I just want to shout and say, “Yes! I’ve got a gut! Bite me, you bloody motherfuckers!” But I also want to be hot and desirable. So I do crunches and sit-ups and I jump ripe because waking up to jog is a bother. Then I feel good and kind of stop, until I don’t and I start again and it’s like a fat version of me is chasing me and I’m running because you can’t be gay and ugly. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have sex with me because it comes up in my head as a mass of tangled legs and this ugly body.
This one isn’t for advice, so I implore you to keep your fitness tips to yourself. I’ve read them all and I’ve heard them all from concerned boyfriends and family members. I just felt like I needed to vent.
And there it is. So, yeah, as you were.
Written by IBK
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16 Comments
Chomzzy
November 10, 07:50So sorry for what you’re going through. There’s no perfect body or perfect size . If you’re perfectly okay with the way you look and it’s healthy then don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. But if not, and not because they make mockery of you, you can work to achieve any kind of body you deem perfect for you. But don’t do it because of the mockery. Just do what you want as long as it’s healthy.
Dimkpa
November 10, 08:07I have been reading your journals for more than a year now and one thing that has struck me is a lack of growth in the ideas and circumstances.
You write a lot about the troubles with your mom, problems with relationships and now your issues with your body. What I have never read is how you’ve tackled the issues, or what lessons you have learned from your
experiences. How have they changed your thinking or what actions have they led you to take in order to effect a change. I am yet to have an ‘Aha!’ moment reading your jourrnals. Despite all your troubles with your mom, tomorrow if she decides to take you for deliverance, you will still go.
Sometimes it feels like listening to a child going on and on about what they did at school, my this and my that. People tolerate it because they’re kids but for an adult it is tiresome. I have read about your singing, your art, your profession etc but not any actions.
Sometime ago you wondered why no one comments on your posts. In my opinion there’s not much to comment on. We’ve read different iterations of the same things over and over and now it is a case of ‘which one will it be today?’
Tbh, I wasn’t surprised reading about how you hate your body and lack the will to do something about it because that is something I have come to expect from you. In my experience that is one thing that you can change. You can do that for yourself and don’t have to worry about the economic consequences. It takes some work but the results do come if you persist.
I’m sorry if this is harsh but it has been on my mind for a while and I felt it is time I mentioned it. I might be wrong of course and I don’t presume to know all about yoy from reading your journals. However, this is the impression I have and I apologise if it is the wrong one.
Stanley Tucci
November 10, 08:21“Despite all your troubles with your mom, tomorrow if she decides to take you for deliverance, you will still go.”
This here 100%. This is what I feel too.
Francis
November 10, 09:21Run your race and run it well at your own pace. If you have an issue with someone’s pace, it’s most times best to keep it to yourself. Not everyone is “as strong as you” to fixate their mind on their issues and get them fixed kia kia.
I personally don’t appreciate it too when people run their mouth about how unambitious I can be. Dem no dey my body to know how e dey do me. ?♂️?♂️
We shall get there when we get there
Stanley Tucci
November 10, 14:25Why are you being so defensive? Maybe deep down you know you can do better?
Francis
November 11, 04:17Yeah very defensive. How’s about you live your strong and fabulous as fuck lives and allow us live ours which is weak and very basic? ?♂️?♂️
Malik
November 11, 10:32RT!
Keredim
November 10, 09:27You are not being harsh…
Harsh would be
“Stop playing victim and get off your fucking ass and do something about it”
And you can only form an impression of him, from what he has presented to you. You don’t know what you don’t know.
I agree with every other thing you’ve said, 100%
Bee
November 10, 12:17I’ve been meaning to ask … how do you italicize your comments? And why don’t you delimit them? Like, once you start, it ends where your comment ends? Thank you. ?
Keredim
November 10, 12:48By beginning and ending the word/sentence/paragraph with
““ for Italics
“” for bold
(Don’t include the speech marks “”)
The delimiting is down to the website. It used to work before, but for some reason it doesn’t any more
Hope that helps
Keredim
November 10, 12:50Shit Bee that didn’t work…
DM me on Facebook and I can show you.
????
Bee
November 10, 21:22Okay …
An emphasized word
And …
An important word
Then, shut.
CHUCK
November 10, 15:15I remember saying this a few years ago and I was criticized for condescension. See how he’s made no efforts in the years since
trystham
November 10, 19:12I don’t know if I am the one reading meanings to what journals are o. I am quite certain it is not a résumé or a CV with focus on strengths. And because (I believe) James’ Journal sounded nice, it why these pennings were originally intended in that name though its more a DIARY. If your lives are so fabulous, filled with fuckfests in Spas, Saunas and Gyms, and meeting ppl, I wouldn’t mind reading about it…oh wait, I do read about it…and its one-note and boooooring??
Malik
November 11, 10:44E gba mi o. I am not understanding some comments. Is it not his life and his truth and his pace? It’s a blissful thing for someone to be vulnerable about their life and struggles. Sometimes, if you don’t like it, look away. I know you’re saying, “But I restrained myself from spewing hate the last time and the one before that.” I’m here to announce to you that you can do it again.
I personally look forward to his entries and I enjoyed reading this one.
IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 32) – KitoDiaries
November 24, 05:02[…] read your comment on my last entry. My initial reaction was annoyance. But I decided to shelve that and see how true what you said is. […]