IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 32)

IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 32)

November 23

Hello, guys…

And hi Dimkpa.

I read your comment on my last entry. My initial reaction was annoyance. But I decided to shelve that and see how true what you said is. Then I wondered whether I should respond. And I did write a response, but it was too long to be a comment.

Anyway, you’re right. I am repetitive. I believe I covered that in Entry 25 of this journal. About how I felt I was being uninteresting and repetitive, so I went on an indefinite hiatus.

However, even while on the hiatus, I still wrote my thoughts down; I just didn’t send them to Pinky. I tend to write my thoughts out when I’m depressed or having any negative emotions – and that happens a lot with me, if I’m being honest. I could just be a whiny baby or it could be wrong brain chemistry or whatever.

But writing helps me unravel things and something about having it put down feels like a transfer of the heavy thoughts from my head to somewhere that isn’t my head.

So, I guess that’s how it translates that most of my writing IN THIS JOURNAL seems to centre around my problems. But to think that I haven’t made progress (as you ever so magnanimously pointed out in your comment) is erroneous

Yes, there have been no aha moments with my experiences. Just little victories. Not needing to go home as much, managing my meagre NYSC allowance, having a little more confidence in myself as an artist, not complaining about being in vet school… Oh, there was one time my mother did try to get me to go to deliverance after I got inducted, but I said no. That was quite a rush. Another time, as a last-ditch attempt, I tried to see if I could have a conversation with her about my sexuality, but I met the usual religious rhetoric. Needless to say, it depressed me. But I allowed myself to be upset and moved past it, making sure to never bring it up again if I could help it. Also, if you check Entry 27, where I talked about my suicide attempt, the last paragraph did have me realise something – but hey, I guess it wasn’t grand enough to catch your attention.

I also had two wonderful years with my ex-boyfriend. Mostly wonderful. Pretty sure there was no talk about relationship problems during that period sha. Then life threw a curve ball I didn’t see coming and I talked about it – and I’m being repetitive. Okay ooo. (And to be honest, I talk about my relationship issues because nobody talks about stuff like that often and I believe you should write the things you want to read).

As for the weight thing… Hmmm. I think you skipped the part where I said I do crunches and sit-ups and jump rope, so I’m not exactly sure why you thought I’m not doing anything about something I’m not happy with. But go off, I guess.

And really the post was just me venting. It was a confession that I hate my body. It was looking at where that hate may have arisen from. There’s exercising because you love your body, and then there’s what I have, a gut feeling, which is mentally unhealthy.

So yeah, you were right. But you were right, I believe, only about me being repetitive. I might not have reached a resolution to those things you mentioned, and I don’t believe I will stop talking about them until I do.

And really, this is my journal. A place I decided to be as truthful as possible. I could easily act like I’ve got thick skin. But I won’t. It distresses me that I don’t have a thick skin. That the things I complained about last year, I’m still complaining about. That I sound like a broken record. But I dunno, people seem to like the sound nonetheless.

But if you look close enough, you’ll notice that in the end, the point of this is that I’m still standing and I’m still writing and I’m still hoping. The doing part is going on too. I’m doing what I can. Maybe I’ll try to talk more about the doing part.

So, thanks for the criticism. At least it made me do some introspection, and I think I’m content with what I found.

Written by IBK

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  1. trystham
    November 24, 07:25 Reply

    so u can be a little bitch sometimes????

  2. Mandy
    November 24, 07:53 Reply

    IBK snapped!!! ??? To me, this is your best entry. This polite bitchiness is giving me life!

  3. Queen Blue Fox
    November 24, 08:00 Reply

    Hahaha well for those of us who know you, we know there is a bitch in you.lol. So yeah unleash it ???

  4. McDuke
    November 24, 08:23 Reply

    You need not respond neither do you need to validate yourself. @Dimkpa made a very valid observation even if it wasn’t the whole truth but at least judging from what you present to us, it can’t be far from the truth. As a writer, you don’t have to respond to criticisms, you only use them to improve on your writing if need be or just ignore them and move on. In my opinion, I think this validation was not necessary, you’re only making yourself more vulnerable.

    • IBK
      November 24, 10:49 Reply

      Surely if I feel I was criticised wrongly I can decide to say something? Besides, did I say everything he said wasn’t valid? Besides where does this idea come from that when you are criticised, your only options are to accept or keep quiet?

  5. Malik
    November 24, 09:41 Reply

    On behalf of those of us that don’t want a clapback/reply but an actual update on what you’ve been up to, biko do fast.

    Lol. Sending you love and ink.

    • IBK
      November 24, 10:49 Reply

      Send data money too ?

  6. Tristan
    November 24, 11:44 Reply

    This was painfully written. I felt the life in it this time. As a writer, you are bound to have critiques which can mar or make you better. You chose the positive side of it ,and this here, is a great improvement. Well done?

  7. AduResa
    November 25, 10:42 Reply

    Well I’ve been expecting this, and I love the way you presented it, IBK.

  8. Quinn
    November 25, 17:28 Reply

    We really need to be supportive of each other, if it comes to the worse, a bit of tough love is OK, but we should never focus on bringing each other down in any way. ❤

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