THE LOVE THAT NEVER GOES AWAY
It’s been over nine years since my relationship with the guy who was my second boyfriend ended.
His name is Junior.
I met Junior when I was 17. And he grew to become the one I really thought was my be-all and end-all. You know that feeling when you know your life starts here and will probably end with him. Yes, that was how I felt when I met Junior.
I just knew.
He was a year and some months younger than me. Knowing that – before meeting him – was a turn off. I lost my virginity when I was 13, and I’d already been in a previous relationship with a popular dancer. So, I was somewhat worldly and being with a 15-year-old was not something I was remotely interested in.
Junior had been on my case for a year, sending me messages and calling me with a desire for us to see. He got my number from his uncle, who was himself gay as well. I got acquainted with the man through a sugar daddy of mine (they were close friends), and he’d casually remarked once about wishing I’d date someone my own age. I’d laughed it off then, but he’d apparently been serious, considering his nephew was now bugging me for a meet, saying his uncle made the connect. When I confronted his uncle over this, he said something about how he thought I would be more suited to help Junior’s exposure into the world of queer guys.
But mama ain’t got time for that. However, Junior’s persistence was wearing me out. And when he sent me a really sweet New Year message on the 1st of January 2009, something in me twisted with emotion and I decided to acquiesce to his request for us to meet.
I met him a month after, at his school’s interhouse sports event. I’d graduated from secondary school and was preparing to get into the university and he was in SS3. He’d invited me to the event, and the only means of identification was by calling each other on the phone to confirm what we were wearing. When I stepped into the mini stadium at Surulere, I immediately knew he was the one I saw on the pitch. It was like a magnetic thing, getting drawn to him before he’d even said hello. He was tall, about 5’10, fair in complexion and quite muscly for his age. I’d identified myself to him on the phone, and when he spotted me, he smiled at me. It was the warmest smile I’d ever seen on a person, and it was so infectious, I found myself smiling back.
It was at this point that I became certain that this boy was going to be my man.
Our meet that day was brief, after the games. And then we texted each other as I was on my way home, during which time we agreed to meet again at his place the next day.
I got to his house by 9 AM, and he introduced me to his sisters, who were friendly. We moved to his room, and settled to some drinks, biscuits and conversation. As time went by, I could feel myself falling for him. I sat there, unable to believe myself. My entire dating history was filled with older men and daddies and uncles, and yet here I was, falling in love with a “small boy”.
After a long day spent doing nothing but talk, at the end of which we shared a kiss, I was finally headed home. On my way, I could feel crazy butterflies in my tummy. I’d never felt this way before for any man. There was just something incredibly special about Junior and I intended to spend my life finding out. I wanted to be with him. He called me minutes later to find out if I’d gotten home okay. That was sweet. When he texted after that, asking if he could be my boyfriend, I was over the moon. I was so giddy with pleasure as I stared at his text, that I was just laughing uncontrollably. Of course, I replied with a Yes – after I considered all the factors that made me okay with dating him. First, he was a persistent lover. He was super mature for his age; I hadn’t once felt like I was with a small boy all through the time we were together. And finally, he had financial security. I’d had too much of a lustrous dating history to settle for a broke-ass dude.
We met again a week after and it was splendid. The sex was great! Junior was not only hung; for someone who wasn’t that exposed to life as a queer person, he sure knew how to make love to a guy. After our lovemaking, he played Westlife’s I Lay My Love On You, opened his wardrobe, brought out a ring, and proposed to me. Well, of course, it was more like a commitment ring. There was no quantifying my joy at this point, and I was bursting with affirmation for everything that would make us a couple. 2009 was suddenly shaping up to be the best year of my life. We began dating and it was just great. I quickly became a friend of his family, with his parents taking a liking to me. His dad loved to dance and would often challenge me to a dance-off with him; that was how close I got with his family. In my head, I was positively Mrs. Junior.
But because this is life, all good things eventually wind up souring.
It started for us when I visited him one time and found a text message on his phone from some Charles guy claiming Junior’s uncle gave him his number and that he was hoping they would meet up sometime. They’d in fact been exchanging text messages, and the Charles guy was really shooting his shot. Even though Junior replied his messages, his tone was of one who wasn’t interested. Feeling jealousy and misery ravage my insides, I continued going through his phone, to discover more text messages, these ones from his uncle, trying to persuade Junior to hook up with the Charles guy.
I was devastated, even though I wasn’t entirely surprised. You see, when Junior’s uncle admitted to me that he gave my number to his nephew, he’d made a joke about how if I meet his nephew and I like him, that I should probably give him sex as a thank you or something. He wanted us to get down before anything serious develops between me and his nephew. I thought he was joking, but it quickly became obvious that he was serious when he started asking for sex as my relationship with Junior blossomed. He was quite adamant, but I was too in love with Junior to even consider giving in to his demand. It was at this time that he made a threat to me: that he would ruin my relationship with Junior if I don’t give him what he wants. At this point, I had to tell Junior about what was going on between me and his uncle, and he dismissed it, his only interest being whether I’d ever had sex with the man.
And so, here was the evidence that the man was already doing his damndest to destroy what I had with his nephew. But I was too sure of Junior’s commitment to me to feel any real fear that he would ever succeed.
I was very wrong.
April 2009 was my Baby Boy’s birth month, and on his birthday, I called him severally. He didn’t pick my calls and didn’t respond to my text messages. This was troubling. Junior was never one to ignore my calls or texts. Some hours later, he finally replied my message with a request for me to come over to his house. I did. And it turned out to not only be my shortest visit ever, it also became my last.
Junior broke up with me there and then. Saying stuff about how we were both too young for something this serious, that he wanted to explore, and how I was too good a person for him to betray with me finding out without him telling me his intentions.
I was devastated. I didn’t beg and grovel. No. I simply walked out of his house, got home and then broke down into tears. I was heartbroken. I was bitter. I hated him. I loved him. I regretted ever agreeing to be with him. I regretted not doing everything that I could to ensure we’d be together. I had questions. I didn’t want answers. I was spiraling.
Junior and I ceased all communication after our breakup and I found a way to move on. We didn’t see or speak to each other until a year had passed. During that time, news about what he was up to, his sexual exploits, often trickled back to me. it was a small world and I would often hear about some thirsty thing talking about their hookup or his dick or how great he was in bed. It was apparent that my Junior was doing a very good job of his exploration.
A year later, he came to my place. A jumble of emotions crushed through my heart when I set my eyes on him. Love. Anger. Pleasure. Surprise. Resentment. Enough emotions to let me know that I still cared very much about him and hadn’t moved on as I thought I had. We talked, and all my emotions came tumbling out in the things I said to him. About how I still loved him. About how he’d really hurt me. He held me and apologised over and over. He said he was sorry and he hated himself for what he did to me.
When he was leaving, he promised he’d be back the next day. As promised, he was at my house the next day. And this time, we made love. It was supposed to be a reunion. A makeup. A gateway to us getting back together. I was supposed to be happy.
And yet, all I could think about was how he’d hurt me. As he made love to me, all I could think about were all the stories I’d heard in the year that passed, about him doing it with all these different boys. I couldn’t get these poisonous thoughts out of my mind, and immediately he slid out of me, I told him we were through. I told him we wouldn’t be getting back together, if that was his intention. That we wouldn’t be hooking up again.
I was done with him.
I felt like I was done with him.
I wanted to be done with him.
He left and I tried to close my heart to him. But it was very difficult.
It was especially difficult because his sex life just wouldn’t go away. Everywhere I turned, someone was talking about hooking up with him. I should have felt good about this, about how I’d dodged getting myself more hurt by a guy who it seemed was determined to fuck his way through Lagos. But I wasn’t. I was miserable. I wanted him. I wanted Junior back. My emotions kept being all over the place – anger to love, denial to a sense of peace, self-doubt to certainty. I was never sure about how I felt about not being with Junior. But I was sure that I was not over him. That I couldn’t ever be over him.
We didn’t see each other again till 2012, when I decided to reach out to him, asking for us to meet at Ikeja City Mall. He came over, and it was a disaster. He came with a male model that he was dating. It had been so long and I had taken it for granted that Junior would be single and we could talk and figure out where to go from here. He was a great love of my life, I’d come to realise. And such things are meant to endure.
But Junior was clearly operating on a different level from me. I was disappointed that he was in a relationship, and we couldn’t talk about what I wanted us to talk about. When our hangout ended and he drove me home, with me in the backseat and his boyfriend seated next to him, I was hit with the miserable thought that we could never be together. It seemed all over.
He attended my birthday party with his boyfriend later that year, and that became the last time I saw Junior.
Not that I didn’t try. At this point, I just wanted to be in his life. As his friend. Even if we couldn’t be together anymore. But it seemed he had a different idea. After the time spent at my birthday party, he proceeded to block me from his life. First, he was rebuffing my requests for us to hang out. Then he wasn’t replying my messages. Then he blocked me on all social media accounts. Three years after he first hurt me, and here I was, devastated all over again. I couldn’t understand why he was shutting me out. It became a question I needed him to answer. I was totally confused about that. I still am. Mutual friends told me that perhaps we had too much history for him to bear us being friends.
It’s been 10 years since Junior came into my life and turned it upside down. I still think about him every now and then. Without knowing it, I have even let him affect every relationship I’ve had since 2012. And after going through so much emotional turbulence regarding my feelings for him, I have come to realise that I will always love Junior. It doesn’t mean I cannot find happiness with someone else. But Junior will always be a major part of the man I am.
Written by Purple
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38 Comments
Malik
February 13, 06:03Wow. Lovely story. I love how you expressed the conflicting feelings that come with being in love. I really hope you move on, get some kind of closure and that you open your mind to new experiences with love without making Junior the standard or yardstick.
J
February 13, 06:14Moving on is the best, I hope you meet someone that will replace him. His uncle is a scumbag, very dirty man.
trystham
February 13, 09:28Yes. His uncle would be Delle’s description of TB, the scummiest of them all.
While I wish to have had an uncle who would look out for me, I certainly would expect he realize that love is not a substitute for sex, and in a terribly small community like ours with all diseases flying around, sticking to one partner should be a priority. Damned fool is one of those idiots thinking being gay is a game. Oloshi agbalagba ti o l’ogbon l’ori
J
February 13, 20:21Yes, it takes only a useless uncle to be hooking up his nephew with random people. .. The writer has been with sugar daddies, but yet bull of an uncle hooked him up with his nephew and he still want lash him ?
Oloriburuku, oniranu eh. Ewu Gambia ashawo kobo kobo, Dan iskan kawu shege
Maycakes
February 13, 07:43U av to move on darling……..
Higwe
February 13, 08:12Ten years and you haven’t gotten over a teenage relationship?
How do you guys do this; I can’t even remember what I had for supper last night ??.
But in all seriousness, I think you were dating yourself the whole time.
NOT once in this story did I ever get the feeling that junior loved you or wanted anything serious with you to be honest, even though you tried so hard to make it seem as such to decrease your culpability in your self delusion.
Someone who had feelings for you, would definitely feel some kind of way if he found out you had some kind of relationship with his uncle- but not your junior.
I think you were their bait from the start.
His uncle knows him a lot better than you do…you were brought to be used and discarded from the very beginning.
Believe me, he was already cheating on you even those times you claimed you were in a relationship and when he got tired he discarded you with some lame excuse and lavishly lived as the whore he’s always been.
You needed him for financial security, he wanted to smash, I’d say you’re even.
No one played the other…. he’s clearly out grown you and has moved on to way hotter and happening guys. I’d say you move on too.
Let his rejection motivate you, work on yourself and your craft, catch up to him and surpass him.
Stop being a nuisance in his life, rather channel all that energy to making the most out of yours.
When you finally reach the zenith of wherever you’re meant to be, you’d realize how mediocre your ten years crush was.
……………………
You know you and I share a pretty similar story, only in my case I was the junior.
I was young, hot and pretty arrogant. …and this guy was fawning over me and rightfully so, I treated him like trash.
Broke up with him countless times ,he always came scurrying back ,till he had enough.
Long story short, he’s one of the biggest superstars currently in the Nigeria music scene.
Last year I even attended his concert and I wasn’t even at the VIP session ?.
Now I’m the one trying to catch up to someone who literally used to feel like he won a lottery ticket being with me.
That tells you that life can have a quick turnaround, when you grab the bull by the horn.
Quit the illusion and embrace reality man .You’d be surprised how far you will go if you use this energy you’re wasting on someone who’s clearly had enough of you, on other important things.
Mandy
February 13, 09:13This story was written by an emotionally vulnerable person and THIS is what you have to say to him?!
This is a very mean, unnecessarily callous comment. You could have done the whole “do you and be successful” part of your comment without taking a shot at the status of his relationship with Junior or impose your suppositions about the dynamics of their relationship on him.
He was dating himself the whole time? He was trying hard to decrease his culpability in his self delusion? He was brought in to be used and discarded? He needed Junior for financial security?
Nawa o! These were really, incredibly hurtful things to say to any person, especially when you know nothing about what went down in the relationship. We should try to be better at giving advice, especially when it comes to emotional matters. At no point did the writer even say he wanted Junior for financial security. I mean, what exactly could a 15-year-old boy give him that he couldn’t already possibly get from his own parents?
And he should stop being a nuisance to his life? Did the writer ever say he was being a nuisance to Junior’s life? From what I read, the last time he tried to make an effort to establish a friendship with the guy was in 2012 or thereabout. The guy blocked him and that was that. How has he been a nuisance in his life according to the story? Just how? Heck, according to the story, he is in fact trying to let us know that he is living his life, moving on with his life, but not denying that he still has love for his ex. I know, by your very own admission, that you do not understand the concept of those who have a hard time dumping their feelings for ex-lovers, but it is a real thing, and you shouldn’t use your quickness to toss your feelings aside as a yardstick to judge everyone else.
Show some sensitivity when you speak to people with different emotional constitution from you. You don’t get brownie points by how savagely wise you are.
Rudy
February 13, 09:25That’s some great advice there Higwe! Just as I thought, both of you evened each other out with the motives of being in the said relationship. Yours being partly financial security and his being “who knows what”. But that said if he has been able to move on without blinking an eye, love yourself enough to move on too. 10 years is an overwhelming length of period to wallow over someone who moved on away from you, grab your life back my dear and live it.
Mandy
February 13, 10:28This financial security you people keep throwing about… Mind you, the couple in this story were 15 and 17 years old, not some working class and student type of relationship o. What kind of money would Junior at that age be able to provide Purple with that counts as anything?
And how does Purple wanting a financially secure boyfriend negate the validity of his feelings? You’re saying this one cancels out that one as if their relationship was a business transaction when it clearly wasn’t.
You guys sha. SMH.
Higwe
February 13, 10:53You have energy to waste on the Mandy fellow, I’d say pay no mind to it.
If at his age he doesn’t realise that this is an opinion poll and a collection of varied opinions would help the writer, make a much more conspicuous decision ;then he is certainly not worth arguing with.
You have time to read all that he put down- like I earlier reiterated, use your time for something a lot more productive. ?
I don’t engage in childish banters.
Pink Panther
February 13, 12:00So you didn’t read the full story before you formed an opinion intended to “help the writer make a more conspicuous decision”, and people who did automatically have nothing productive to do with their time.
Lol. Good to know.
Higwe
February 13, 20:09What on earth are you talking about?
If I didn’t read the story, would I have given my opinion?
Reading a story submitted by someone who intends to use his piece to educate others and probably get help too, is very different from reading an epistle from a Kito diaries’ self acclaimed “Mother Theresa ” who finds negativity in everything, just to show off how much of a better person he supposedly is.
I used an instance in my life, to advise the writer, that he could do so much better with his life .
No matter how we try to shield from the truth -financial security is important for every gay man in Nigeria.
The government sure as hell does not protect us, religion forbids us, but money controls everyone.
Today Bobrisky walks around freely even though everyone knows what he is, because he has solid contacts and ” good ” financial security.
Imagine Bobrisky was poor, do you know what Nigerians would have done to him?
Someone asked why the emphasis is always on financial security and I say that’s because that’s all we have for now.
While we keep fighting for so many other things that have eluded us, the right and privileges we’ve been denied, one thing the importance cannot be over emphasized is -MONEY.
If the writer felt I was too harsh with my comment, I’m ready to apologize to him. It is not my desire to make him feel worse about himself.
And again, my emphasis on time wasting has nothing to do with people reading the story submissions here (which I myself find very helpful and sometimes entertaining)
Don’t misunderstand me… I respect you too much and I don’t want you to start assuming the worst about me.
Mandy
February 13, 12:03It’s childish banter because I didn’t agree with you and was asking you to be more empathetic in how you interact with people???
SMH. Yep. You’re very mature, I see.
ROCK
February 13, 09:42Who is the Nigerian superstar?
QD
February 13, 18:33Lol…..I know someone will ask this question. KDians never disappoint my expectations. The name of the Nigerian Superstar is ROCK.
Mandy
February 13, 09:14Look, Purple, I won’t try to insult your intelligence and speak to you like you don’t already know that all this time that has passed isn’t enough time for you to know to move on, that is, if you haven’t already. It is clear you love Junior. It is also clear that he doesn’t love you, at least, not anymore. The most injustice you will do to yourself is to keep carrying a torch, no matter how small, for him. To let him define your relationships. He hasn’t exactly acted like someone who deserves this much from you. It is hard, I know. But you should stop immortalizing your feelings for him. Because if you keep being this hung-up about him, you are definitely going to miss the right person for you when he comes into your life. You’ll be too busy reminiscing about the past to see the good things of the present.
McDuke
February 13, 09:34Purple I understand your pain and I can imagine how you feel about Junior. For those that berates you for not having moved on, probably they’ve never ever truly being in love cos if they have, they ought to understand. The sad reality about life is you might never ever find someone you’ll love the way you loved Junior and vice versa but such is life. Having said all these, you don’t have to let your feelings get the better part of you, in truth we never fully move but you have to find a way to make it work, make a decision to be happy and engage in extracurricular activities, with time the news of Junior will no longer bug like it use to. I hope you find the happiness you truly seek…CHEERS!!!
Mandy
February 13, 10:29Well said, McDuke. ??
Mandy
February 13, 10:23Oh, and by the way, Junior’s uncle is a real scumbag. I find it really creepy how meddlesome he apparently is in his nephew’s love life. And judging from his dealing with Purple, it’s safe to say he uses Junior as a bargaining chip to get laid. Who knows how many guys he’s told: “I’ll set you up with my nephew and in return, you let me fuck you.”
Really creepy.
Angel
February 13, 10:53Time to go back to zaddies, I think Junior was not as in love as it seemed, he wanted a regular smash and played with your mind. He would have fumed if he really loved you and hears his uncle’s shenanigans. He was more advanced than it seemed.
Chizzie
February 13, 12:00Are we just going to ignore the serious pedophile undertones in this story? Losing your virginity at 13 which from your affinity for older men, really should have been “I was raped at 13”. And these uncles, suga daddies and elderly men you speak about once dating are actually pedophiles… I know your experience at that age isn’t unique as many gay gays have similar experiences, but now that we are more enlightened about these things especially in this Metoo era and what not, lets not desensitise, normalise or romanticise such issues
Pink Panther
February 13, 12:05While I agree with most of what you said, you should note that he didn’t say who he lost his virginity to or how old the person was. So going from “I lost my virginity at 13” to “pedophilia” and “raped at 13” with nothing to support your claim from the story is a bit of a stretch, don’t you think?
Chizzie
February 13, 12:44Like I pointed out, he has always had an affinity for older men and at one point in his narrative calls guys his age “small boys”, so it’s really safe to assume he lost his virginity to an adult which technically makes it rape.
Even asides that, having a Suga daddy when u are a minor, makes said Suga daddy a pedophile and what ever sexual act involved rape. It is what it is, and its not something we should excuse or endorse.
rx
February 13, 14:23Thank you for this
PURPLE
February 13, 13:58Thanks guys for your comments.they were all helpful. I have moved on and I’m happy about my decision.
For the record I lost my virginity to a 15 year old classmate.
Rai❤️
February 13, 15:30Is reads all to familiar, tbh i commend those wo are able to compartmentalise and understand that the people that come into our lives are for the reason and not the season. Its sad when you have loved someone so hard that you know in your heart of hearts that you can not love anyone the same way. Like I tell my friends that literally dont understand that some of uz, get only one in our lifetime. Sadly if it so happens that the one love you had lasted a short minute, you can not just say “move on because the relationship wasn’t even all that” because u weren’t there you might try to understand the way I feel but you will never fully know why i am this way about said person. Although 10 years is a long time to be hungup on someone, what do i know I’m going on my 5th year but like denzel washington said, keep learning, keep growing, keep loving and maybe one day, just one day you would be able to let go and give yourself fully to the one you choose to.
Lorde
February 13, 18:01Fucking jesus…. nigga gotchu fucked up
Uzor
February 13, 18:36Stalk the uncle on social media, get his home address, find his car and burn it. ? ok maybe burning it is too extreme so alternatively you can use something sharp and tattoo “thunder fire you” in multiple spots. Make it look so bad he’d need a paint job, you honestly might feel a bit better.
Pink Panther
February 13, 19:05???????
I fully support this kind of therapy.
Francis
February 13, 22:17? ? ? ? ? ?
Christie
February 14, 09:17I love this idea
Bhawscity
February 14, 09:59Both the uncle oo, Junior oo and Sugar daddy, all of them dey mad.
Okay on a serious note how can you be a sugar daddy to a 17 year old kid? How can an uncle hook his 16 year old nephew up? And encourages him to fuck around? Categories of people dey this life ooo.
Pink Panther
February 14, 10:48Lol. The thing weak me. Especially the part about the uncle. Encouraging his young nephew to fuck around is stretching the definition of “cool uncle” too far.
Uzor
February 14, 13:37Apparently he was trying to introduce the nephew to the “gay scene”. My own problem is, why should homosexuality always be linked with promiscuity? Didn’t he think that junior could be a happy gay man with his first partner even though he skipped the “Dora the explora” phase?
Pink Panther
February 14, 13:41Well put.
bamidele
February 14, 11:58Well,
all I can say is that some good things never last long. Both of you would have made a great couple though…
Quing
February 14, 19:30How come everyone is having relationships EXCEPT ME! ???
Sworld
February 15, 15:14My sis!
junior moved on with his life having fun in a happy relationship and you here sobbing over him still?
where is my koboko!
I want to flog you real hard.
but pls never denial yourself loving again. there still some good ones out there!.
been in a relationship can be tough though!.