REINTRODUCING MYSELF
January 2020
It had been 8 months since the last time, since that two-rounds-in-one-minute fiasco. A fiasco I decided to rename a make-out session. With a 17-month celibacy period prior to that, it was safe to say that I was a walking bag of pent-up hormones and sexual needs that was waiting to be unleashed on the next available man.
Then, what happened happened. And it led me to a journey of seeking for answers here, answers I didn’t get. But, no matter. I was going to figure it out, no matter how long it took me, no matter how hard it would be.
November 2020
The past 11 months have been one form of hell or the other, with small bits of heaven in between. First, I passed out of youth service. Then, I got set up by someone I called a friend. Then, I stayed home alone for 4 months without a phone or a laptop. Then, Mother came home. And I stayed home some more. Then, I got a minimum wage job as a teacher.
And, in the midst of all these, I kept asking myself, “What exactly is wrong with my body? Why do I seem to want sex, yet cannot have it?”
I mean, I had a four-month period when I was home alone. I could easily have hooked up with people. Heck, I met several people in my area, guys who were brazen enough to walk up to me during my occasional strolls outside my home to ask to befriend me, and from there, ask for a hook-up. I had seen a side to my neighbourhood I didn’t know existed.
Yet, try as I could, the most I could do with these guys was to make out. And, I could only even bring myself to make out with just two of them. The rest, I either avoided – for absolutely no reason – or I kept as just friends or gossip acquaintances.
November afforded me a chance I did not think I’d get.
An acquaintance, someone I knew from school, someone I’d been planning to hook up with since last year yet our plans kept falling through, was coming around to pick a few of his things from school. And he asked me to come over. I couldn’t. I had to work. (Not like 30k a month is anything to write home about, but it beats having to ask Mother for money.) It seemed this was going to be another one of those plans that fell through.
Then, the Fates intervened. Mother travelled for a funeral. And I had the house to myself.
The first thing I did was call him up and invite him over. He had to move a few things around to be able to spend the night at my place. Things settled, he told me he’d be on his way.
Upon his arrival, we showered together. (I had just returned from work. And he, from a dusty road trip.) Then we proceeded to my bed where we took our time exploring each other’s bodies.
The make-out session was good. Heck, great even. This son of man knew what to do with the human body. And, I was no novice either. We’d make out for a bit, talk about something, then go right back to making out.
It was great…
Till it was not.
After several hours of getting each other hot and bothered and all the attendant shit, I straddled him and wriggled my arse against his dick. He lifted it and smacked it against my arse, then he spread my ass cheeks and smacked it between them. Right at my asshole.
That was when I felt it.
The moment his dick touched my hole, I felt something run through me. Something I had felt several times over the past few years when I attempted and failed at having sex, yet hadn’t been able to decipher. This time, it was clear as day. It was a mixture of fear and revulsion.
And, the moment that feeling ran through me, I felt my body clamp up and the tremors start. I quickly rolled off him with an excuse and walked to the kitchen on shaky legs. There, I did my breathing exercises till my body came back under control.
There, however, was no point trying any further. I was clamped shut and there was nothing we could do about it.
If things had ended here, I probably would not be writing this.
After he left the next day, I took my time to try to understand why my body kept having this peculiar reaction to sex. And that was when it dawned on me.
Since 2017, the only times I’d successfully been able to have sex was when it was with guys I was emotionally connected to. Zim. Uche. Vic. Dave. Each of these men had something in common: I didn’t just like them sexually. I had a connection, something – no matter how seemingly insignificant – that made them dear to me. It didn’t have to be love or infatuation. It just had to be there, to exist.
And that was when I realised it. I actually am very okay. I just am demisexual.
The following night gave me the opportunity to confirm my suspicions – when a friend who’d just returned from a trip late asked to spend the night in my house. Although we didn’t have sex, I didn’t feel any fear or revulsion or any clamping up throughout the time we were making out, or when he smacked his dick against my booty hole, or when he fingered me. It was like my body was opening up for a rediscovery, for a man to actually make love to me. And that confirmed my suspicions.
So, hey, let me reintroduce myself to y’all:
My name is Mitch. I’m a HIV-positive near introvert with an acerbic tongue and a weird brain. I’m usually called a bitch and I love it. I’m a queer parent with a plethora of queer kids. I’m a former hoe who is currently celibate. And I am demisexual.
And, I couldn’t be more proud of myself for my journey so far.
Written by Mitch
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18 Comments
Bloom
December 02, 08:12Yesssss!!!!!
I love you bee
Mitch
December 02, 17:55I love you too, babe.
Do and come down lerrus hangout.
Gist yapa for ground😂😂😂
Pezaro
December 02, 10:33We love 😍😍😍
Mitch
December 02, 17:56Thank you, Pezaro😂
Scarlet_witch
December 02, 11:48Hello Mitch, We love you.
Sounds AA-ish, right?🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Mitch
December 02, 17:57There’s a reason why there’s “witch” in your name. Oloriburuku somborri! 😂😂😂😂
I love you too, nighean.
Delle
December 02, 12:18And you’re my trouble-maker.
Even though this just made the chances of getting a husband for you slimmer, I am rooting for you, Love.
To more discoveries *searches for the flute emoji*
Mitch
December 02, 18:00😂😂😂😂😂
You, my dear, are a bunkum!
Find husband for yasef, i si mba!
Eez me you wanna find husband for.
Wò, Amadioha help your matter!
PS: You know we will still unpack your own matter, right? 😂
Delle
December 02, 22:27Lol nothing to unpack for now, dear. I’m still wrapped up in a pretty box with a ribbon on top
Mandy
December 02, 13:17Peeps like you will be so bad for the business of Grindr. I had no idea demisexuality manifested this physically in people. Truly happy you were able to figure it out. And I’m happy you’re so fierce about all the aspects of who you are. Keep being fabulous, my dear.
Mitch
December 02, 18:02I kuku have never even used Grindr before sef. 😂😂😂 Maybe that should have been a pointer to how I was changing 🤔
Thank you, Mandy. ❤️
Chichi Asampete
December 02, 13:31I’m Demisexual. And I’m a bit asexual. Next year will mark my three years of celibacy. I do agree with Mitch. There is an emotional connection I must get before having sex with someone. It’s not necessary love. For me, it’s just a thing of trust. But sometimes there are certain things in a guy that turns me on so easily. For example, if a guy is kind, I will fall for him no matter how ugly he looks. I don’t really pay attention to physical appearance, although it matters, but my attraction for someone comes from a certain emotion the person displayed. Maybe this is why I’ve never tried bottoming. I’m always like, “he is not the right person to penetrate me.” Or maybe I’m just scared of bottoming. I’m still on the journey of discovery. But I will play my side in peace😂
Blaine
December 02, 15:52you took the word outta my mouth except the asexual part…
we must fuck heavy on every other level before you taste the pot…
Black Dynasty
December 02, 16:27“I don’t really pay attention to physical appearance, although it matters, but my attraction for someone comes from a certain emotion the person displayed.”
This, exactly this.
Mitch
December 02, 18:03This comment is it for me!!!
Thank you, Chichi.
May we find the good we need.
Black Dynasty
December 02, 16:33🙂 welcome to the small but annoying club… annoying because there is a very alive sex drive but it’s a rarity to find a person one is sufficiently connected to, to be sexually aroused by.
I remember sending in article here on the topic just over 2 years ago.
It’s certainly a relief when you find out there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, you’re just wired a little differently.
Mitch
December 02, 18:07My dear, that living sex drive is like the worst part. Always there but never sated.
Beyoncé will shaa help the men we end up with. Because their dicks, or asses, or dicks and asses would hear nwiii in our hands. 😂😂😂
And, you’re right.
You have no idea how good it feels to know I’m absolutely normal, just on the more extreme side of demisexuality.
Loki
December 02, 19:36Wow, so its actually a thing? Here i was thinking something was wrong with me ,dat perhaps m a side(nt dat i hav anytin against side’s but d thought of me being one was annoying. Like no penetration?) Feels good to knw m okay, tnks for sharing Mitch, u just helped me understanf myself better.❤