MAYBE TOMORROW (Part 2)

Previously on MAYBE TOMORROW…

*

“I am HIV Positive,” I said to Ifiok.

I watched him take in this information for some minutes. Then I turned to the television, settling my gaze on the screen as I waited for him to say or do something. I wasn’t going to say anything else until he’d reacted.

There’s nothing dignifying about being HIV positive, but I wear my status like a badge of honour. I keep my life private and I am not the type that loves to make social statements. But if anyone is coming into my personal space and wants a stake on it, then they would need to know about me so they won’t turn around to resent me for withholding on them in the future.

As I sat there on the couch watching TV, I didn’t realize that tears had formed in my eyes and had started flowing down my face. This was a part of me I did not like to talk about. Taking ARVs every passing day for five years now was proving to be a bit of an overwhelming reality. Knowing that this was what my life had come to, having to always put a pause of the momentum of my chemistry with any guy just so I can tell them the hard truth about my life that may likely ruin things between us was a new kind of pain I could feel creeping through my insides as I waited for Ifiok to say something.

Then he reacted in a way that was just the sweetest thing.

He moved close to where I was seated, pulled me into a tender embrace, and then looked at me, before apologizing for pushing as hard as he did without any thought to what my reasons may be.

“Thank you for being honest,” he said in a low voice, “for trusting me with this.”

He had gotten teary-eyed too, and the whole situation had become very emotional. I was tearing up. He was tearing up. And I still found him to be a very sexy guy.

He stood up and pulled me up with him. We hugged again.

Then he whispered into my ear, “I love you, GT.”

I could feel his hard-on pressing against my thigh, and I felt myself hardening in response.

“I’ve got enough condoms to last the whole weekend,” I said in a breathless tone.

He smiled. “So, there’s nothing stopping us now, is there?” he said with a wink that sent small sparks of electric desire racing through my skin.

God, I wanted him so badly.

We made our way to the bedroom and started an exploration of each other that didn’t require words. We made love like new couples: fiery yet tender, passionate and loving. Ifiok held back nothing. He ravished me without any reservations, like I was whole and everything he wanted in a lover.

We slept off afterwards and woke up at about past 8 PM. I told him he could sleep over, and he very readily acquiesced.

Since Ifiok would be staying the weekend, I told Solabo that he could leave if he wanted and carry on with his personal life to resume on Monday morning. He left that evening, and Ifiok and I drove out to a bar where we had some drinks. When we got back home, we had snacks for dinner, made love some more, and then slept off in each other’s arms.

On Sunday evening, we drove around the city, mostly sightseeing. And Ifiok was spending heavily, which was odd for someone who was a corper. I didn’t know what to make of how lavishly he spent his money, and I didn’t question him about it.

We were two weeks into this new relationship, when I decided to visit him during a weekend. I didn’t tell him I was coming; I wanted my visit to be a surprise.

When I got there, it was a surprise alright – for him maybe, but definitely for me.

There was a beehive of activity, with a bunch of guys trooping in and out of his room as I approached. When I got into the room, what I saw was not what I’d ever imagined my boyfriend would be a part of.

There were cameras. There were naked guys scampering about. I didn’t need to be told to know that this was the filming of gay porn in progress. A threesome was already in action and the cameras were rolling on the guys who were writhing about in bed, balaclavas on, moaning and grinding as they performed for the cameras.

It was unbelievable. I felt like screaming. It wasn’t disgust I felt. It was disappointment.

I’d trusted this guy with my innermost secret. How could he not tell me that he was in the porn industry? Why hadn’t he trusted me with something as vital to his life as this? I’d told him that I was HIV positive, and he didn’t think it would be important to let me know that as my boyfriend, he was engaging in something that could impact our sex life.

I staggered out of there, went outside and called him. I told him to come outside. When he did, he stared at me in shock. Without saying anything to him, I turned to leave. He tried to stop me, but I was in no mood to talk to him.

I’d driven all the way down to his place, hoping to take him out on a date. But that wasn’t happening anymore. Instead, I went out on a solo date and gave myself a treat. Meanwhile, Ifiok was lighting up my phone with calls and WhatsApp messages, clearly wanting to talk. But I still wasn’t in a state of mind to entertain any communication with him.

I didn’t want to cry, so I made my way to my aunt’s cafeteria, where I attempted to numb myself with bottle after bottle of Origin. After about five bottles, I knew I was too inebriated to drive myself home. So I called Solabo, who came there and took me home.

Upon getting home, it was to meet Ifiok at the gate. As much as I didn’t want to speak to him, I couldn’t send him away. He followed us inside the compound, and as I was emerging from the car, he was begging. I struggled to hold my tears at bay; I refused to cry. I walked past him into the house. He made to follow me, but Solabo stopped him. I turned to them and told Solabo to let him be. Ifiok followed me to the room, even to the bathroom where I showered while he continued talking and explaining.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” That was all I wanted to know. “Were you ever going to even tell me?”

“Honestly, I don’t know,” he admitted miserably. “It’s not the kind of thing you just tell the guy you’ve just started dating. Like, hey babe, I’m doing porn.”

“And is “Hey babe, I’m HIV positive” the kind of thing you tell a guy you’ve barely even started dating?” I shot back.

He was immediately contrite. “I am sorry. If it makes you uncomfortable, I can stop.”

I shook my head at him. Of course I didn’t want him to stop. That’d be selfish of me to come into his life and want him to cease what was clearly a good source of income for him. I just wanted to know that he was safe, that he was keeping us safe. I couldn’t help but remember how quickly he’d wanted to fuck me without any condoms the first time we met. How could I be sure he wasn’t exercising the same lack of restraint in these productions he was involved in?

After we’d talked for a long time, I finally decided that being with Ifiok was a risk I’d have to take. I couldn’t simply toss him aside, not when he clearly loved me and I was falling for him too. It was tough, reconciling myself with the fact that I’d be dating a porn star. But I got there and we made it through that.

***

I was six months already into my job when my boss took me and six other male staff members out clubbing on a Friday night. I couldn’t decline the invitation, despite my reservations about going to night clubs. And so, that night by 9 PM, I pulled up at the club, much to the others’ surprise. Apparently, they’d thought I wouldn’t show up.

It was of course a straight people’s club. There were lots to drink and very many scantily-clad girls moving about and mingling with the customers. This was just not my scene. Some of my coworkers started teasing me over how reluctant I seemed with indiscriminately touching the bodies of the girls, like they were.

At some point, I retorted to one particular teasing, saying, “A woman’s body should be respected.”

When I said this, my boss gave me a look. I wasn’t talking to him, but I hoped he wouldn’t take offense at my admonishment.

I eventually left them in the VIP section where we were ensconced and took to the dance floor. As a trained dancer, I brought my A game to that floor. There was a dance competition going on, and it didn’t take long for me to wreck my challengers. There were soon chants and jubilant shouts as other club-goers hailed me on. I’d suddenly become famous on the dance floor in this straight club.

We eventually left the club by 1 AM.

On Monday, my boss came into my office. He was smiling as he approached my desk.

“Are you gay?” he simply asked.

The next microseconds were all the time it took for me to assess the situation and decide on what my response should be. If he had asked me this question with the intent to out me, I didn’t think he’d have come in here to talk about it in private. More so, he would have led with a show of disgust.

When I didn’t respond immediately, he continued, “So, Friday night at the club, I noticed how you didn’t seem to be into the girls as the other guys were. And that thing you said about a woman’s body deserving respect… I don’t know, not a lot of straight men think that way. And then, when you hit the dance floor, I saw how you danced with that guy… So I had to ask –”

“I’m pansexual,” I blurted out, choosing to play it safe.

He seemed to know this, because he smiled as he said, “That’s funny. What difference does that make? Isn’t it still part of the LGBTIQ thing that gay people identify with?” Then he laughed.

I didn’t laugh with him. I just wanted this to be over with.

“My son just returned from Germany,” he said. “He’s throwing a party on Friday at my house. I should introduce you both.”

You should? I thought, arching my brows in befuddlement.

Aloud, I said, “Okay, sir.”

“By the way, you dance real good. And my son is a dancer too.” With that, he smiled yet again and then left my office.

What just happened? I thought. What is the colour of this man’s wahala?

***

Friday came soon enough. I did some shopping for the party, to dress good and to get a little something for the event. Upon arriving at my boss’s house, I first encountered his wife, a very fashionable and elegant woman. I’d met her before and she welcomed me. There was some music and other party guests. The atmosphere was very fun and relaxed.

She took me to her husband, who in turn led me to their son. As we approached, I recognised him. He was someone I knew way back when I still worked in Abuja, but we were little more than online acquaintances. He seemed to recognise me as well, because he called my name the moment he set his eyes on me.

“Oh Tammy,” his father said, “I see you both already know each other. I’ll leave you both then.” And then, with a beaming smile, he walked away.

Tammy was a dancer who I followed on Instagram, and he followed me back. The extent of our online relationship was dropping likes and commenting on each other’s posts.

As we chatted and he told me that he was not only gay but out to his family, it immediately became apparent what my boss had been up to: that man was doing some matchmaking. It was cute, and I felt warmed by the knowledge that Nigerian parents existed who were not just accepting of their gay child, but actively supported his existence in this way.

Tammy and I exchanged contacts by the end of the party.

And that was how the entanglement began.

The friendship between Tammy and I blossomed quickly. He became a regular visitor to my office and even my house. And from the beaming looks his father gave us, it seemed as though he approved of us being together.

But I was already with Ifiok.

Ifiok of course got to know about our friendship, and after meeting Tammy, he didn’t seem to like him with me. It didn’t matter that the two times I was intimate with Tammy was in a threesome with him. But Tammy was my friend, and he had to adjust to him being around.

However, now, things have gotten more complicated. Tammy appears to be invested in colonizing my time, even that which I have for my boyfriend. He seems to want more, even though I have told him several times that Ifiok and I are good together.

I like him. And I will feel bad about ending things with him, especially if that end will become contentious. Plus, there’s the fact that he is my boss’s son. And so, I am wondering if suggesting a triadic relationship with him, me and Ifiok would be the right way to go. Would Ifiok even go for it? And if he does, would I be tempting a whole bunch of wahala by embarking on a polyamory with these two men? Or is there happiness available for the three of us together?

I don’t know what to do.

Written by GT