Let’s Discuss . . . About Marriage And Living The Lie
Society. Family. Peer group. These are the defining factors of any individual’s life. And very important ones too. But for any homosexual person – man or woman – they can also be tools of adversity, especially in this country Nigeria, where the safer norm is to be in the closet.
But the problem with being in the closet is, there’s not a lot of light in there, and you don’t get to see and pick out what outfit best suits you. And so, those who are on the outside see themselves as the better proponents of what is best for you. Like marriage, and children, and careers.
Oftentimes, these choices are good for you. Some other times, they are NOT. Very few of us have the presence of mind to rebel against the wrongly made choices. Most of us prefer to simply accept them graciously and live the lie, whether it kills you or not. It is after all, the safer thing to do. And we bravely adjust to the wrong choices, make them right, and never talk about it.
But here on Kito Diaries, we can talk about it. As freely as we want.
So, let’s discuss, about Marriage and Living The Lie: To Be Or Not To Be?
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34 Comments
Absalom
June 28, 09:23Of course, I’m getting married! To a guy. End of discussion.
lluvmua
June 28, 10:54Lol but certainly nt in nigeria @absalom
trystham
June 28, 11:02Marriage to be a covenant. Any man who marries and cheats on his wife should be stoned. A homosexual who enters into a heterosexual marriage is a COWARD, a LIAR and cheat and does not deserve any respect. Isn’t it better to remain unmarried than subject yourself, your partner and kids to a lifetime of unending happiness?
I believe gay ppl should be able to stand in the face of societal and family pressure. If they won’t allow me to marry a guy at least leave me in peace to be single.
CeeCee
June 28, 21:27hmm, its easy to judge, wait tilll you’re 40, and all your contemporaries including several of the closeted gay ones have wives and kids, all your colleagues at work are talking about how much school fees cost, how much it costs to take their wives and kids on vacation etc, you start to look like the odd freak of nature, perhaps you have a very conservative boss who decides to make your “abnormal” life a living hell, wait till you pass through all this unscathed then you can pass judgment from your high perch **hugs**
KingBey
June 28, 11:05This discussion should be for those Married. Not for me……am so single
pinkpanthertb
June 28, 11:17But you’re also so of marriageable age, aren’t you?
Absalom
June 28, 11:08You can’t judge so harshly, Trystham – as tempting as it might be to. I think a homosexual who enters into a heterosexual sham marriage is actually brave. I can’t do it, so I’ll pass on that kind of bravery.
aproko pikin
June 28, 11:22It is easy to say I’d be single. Imagine when you’re 60 with no kids and wife and probably no boyfriend. How would you be like? Miserable? It is difficult especially in a country like Nigeria. So probably I would get married so as not to be lonely and I love kids, guess that’s what would keep me there longer. Trust me, when you get married you will find a way to enjoy it. You can choose to be single, but try not to be in Nigeria (being single @60)….
Lanre Swagg
June 28, 12:09Your post reminds me of the anguish a friend of mine is currently facing.
Segun has been officially married to a French man for 6 years now- his family don’t know it. His wedding in France was a beauty to behold, I couldn’t stop crying that sunny afternoon in town hall in Paris.
Segun was raised by a single mum- she sacrificed everything she had, almost her life, after his abusive father dumped all 3 children and left with another woman in Lagos. Mama Segun raised the 3 of them single handedly through primary, secondary,university and masters. There were days they went without food. There were days Mama Segun trekked to her job, all the way from Ipaja to Idimu. But at the end they made it. All three are now working, Segun the 1st son as a chartered accountant with a French-Nigerian firm in Lagos.
But Mama Segun wants to carry her grandchildren before she dies. Her friends keep asking her when they will tie gele. Segun constantly feels the embarrassment of his mum and it hurts him because she has suffered so much for him in life. He truly loves his mum and would do anything for her.
Segun confided in me that there are 2 reasons he is thinking of marrying a woman- one, he loves to have his own children. He is tired of playing with other people’s babies when he can make his own. Two, he thinks it would be wicked of him to let his mother die with her only wish unfulfilled.
I ask him how he will cope – cos I know Segun is a fiercely independent man who can’t stand too much human company- not to mention the company of women with all their wahala, drama and orisirisi.
He says at least he will have pussy at home to fuck- Segun is bisexual and fucks pussy as much as he fucks man ass. Hmm.
But he says he would hate for his French husband to find out- it’s against French law to marry while married. The marriage could be dissolved, leading to severe consequences for Segun’s career and his almost-finalized French citizenship. And he would hate to break the heart of his French husband and inlaws, who love him from a pure heart and would find this utterly strange and shocking. It could cause the death of poor Laurent. Segun says he will kill himself if that ever happens.
That’s the dilemma o. A riddle of Solomonic complexity. Does my friend have his hands full or what ?
pinkpanthertb
June 28, 12:22Wow. Wow. I just… Wow. I just can’t.
trystham
June 28, 12:42Segun should impregnate sumbori and get a child that by that woman. If its grandkids mama Segun wants, she will get them by the dozens. But he should tell her “I’m sorry mother, I cannot trust myself not to put a woman through the kinda situation my own father put you through. I cannot marry anyone…yet.” Mama Segun’s friends will not live life for her son.
pinkpanthertb
June 28, 12:56This advice is golden.
eyeontheuniverse
June 28, 13:01Perhaps a utilitarian calculation? I don’t know…but find this dilemma interesting.
Who would be helped by his marriage to a woman:
Mother
He, in having children
He, more dubiously, in having the wife
Who would be hurt:
The husband who, in this increasingly connected world will find out
The woman who will find out and who is taking health risks about which she is likely uninformed. She will also likely suffer embarrassment, no? I am not from this culture, but in the countries where I have lived this would be humiliation in all
The children who will find out and likely live torn lives
He himself in the effort it takes, physically and psychologically, to maintain a lie
He, potentially, in the legal ramifications
I think the problem is maybe in the extra weight we give to our relationship with our parents. The weight of that love is so strong it can blur objectivity on the issues involved and the impact on everyone else. I think the weight we give happiness of children has the same lack of objectivity, but as yet these are only imagined children…not real.
keredim69
June 28, 14:48Too messy…. He will be found out one way or another.
Has he considered Surrogacy?
And there are some Nigerian women who know the score and will happily have his children. So long as they are “kept in a certain manner” expected of one who has solid european links..
earl.
June 28, 15:10Thanks for this comment… Surrogacy seems the only option… Especially if both male couple are aware of this… Invariably, to save his marriage to Laurent, he shld make Laurent know the situation of things, and the suggested actions to take..
keredim69
June 28, 15:18You are welcome…. But I think he should have made Laurent aware of the situation BEFORE they got married.
pinkpanthertb
June 28, 15:20Right. Full disclosure would have been good.
trystham
June 28, 12:18aprokopikin and absalom I understand what u both mean….especially about companionship in ones old age. I have been told about a couple of married gay guys who got found out by a cruel twist of fate. They ended up being alone. Dem wives couldn’t cope with that knowledge.
In a homophobic Nigeria, gay guys have always been loners. Whether u marry or not, we WILL end up alone. One is never truly connected with his/her spouse. Your friends ARE your best insurance against that loneliness that you will most assuredly live with in the coming future.
Absalom
June 28, 14:12Eyeontheuniverse, the last part of your comment echoes my mind: I love my family, but I know where to draw the line.
This is a personal question: every gay man will answer differently given Nigeria’s intolerant context. But for me, it all boils down to the question: What does the individual really want, and what is he prepared to give to get it?
You realize how expensive weddings are in this country? The thought of spending my hard-earned money on contracting a marriage that means nothing to me makes me shudder. Money I’d have used to travel to some cool beach-place with some cool guy! Na wa oh.
Again, that I’ll wake up every morning, knowing that I’m deceiving the woman by side…the weight of that on my conscience. When I was much younger, there was this guy I had something with who later got married; for a long time, I used to feel guilty around the wife. Does it now make sense that I put another woman through that kind of humiliation? When/if she finds out my secret, what will go through her mind is that: so some of the guys I, her husband, have been with were at her wedding, and she was so clueless! Nobody likes to be fooled.
As for kids, I don’t know… a lot of people keep telling me they love kids, they love kids. I don’t know if there is any nth-degree level of kid-love I’m yet to attain – not like I hate kids. I don’t know if love for kids is enough reason to get MARRIED. But I’m sure there are one or two people out there who need these kids more desperately than I do and will do an excellent job raising them. May whatever they believe in grant their heart desires. I’ll attend the naming ceremonies and I’ll be fine. 🙂
Williams
June 28, 22:22You should move to San Francisco
Dennis Macauley
June 28, 14:14A loveless marriage is not something I would subject an innocent woman who loves me to. So I would skip her and myself the heart ache. Since I am not fond of kids, I don’t plan to have any myself. So I can certainly see myself @ 60, single and living in opulent luxury in tasteful mansion surrounded by 3 dogs a cat and two parrots.
I think it is utter nonsense to allow someone else write the script of my life. No one should have that much power over me.
JustJames
June 28, 15:10I’d love to live with you. Will bring my own four dogs, 2 parrots and cats… and horses too if I can afford them.
Dennis Macauley
June 28, 14:19@Absalom 1Million likes! Whenever I talk about not being crazy about kids, my friend’s look at me like I am the Wizard of Oz! Glad that I am not alone on the subject
JustJames
June 28, 15:08One of my exes was mortified when I said I don’t want kids. He went all “you’re gay! How can you not love/want kids”
Like hello!!!! Have you heard the noise they make Nd they get to that point where they ask questions and it just gets on my nerves.
Besides why should I want to bring someone into this confused cruel world and possibly be part of the confusion and cruelty that would Mar him by living a lie.
As for marriage… no. I dunno how I’ll sort it out but I know that it’s a big no for now. I might change my mind… I’m still young. But my mum has taught me to respect women enough to not cause them unnecessary pain and drama and that’s what a gay dude like me will bring into a poor unsuspecting woman’s life if I marry.
trystham
June 28, 15:28Errr….your ex? A ‘he’? And he asks if you are gay???? Preposterous!!!
Ahan!!! U guys now make children sound like pesky demons…lol. Children are A BLESSING…moreso when they are not yours. I like them, but the prospect of raising one is terrifying. I have nightmares and headaches now I have not had them. Imagine.
But it is VERY irritating that ppl attach so much importance to baby making in family living. For heaven’s sake, earth is on the brink of destruction because we are too many sef. Seriously, women who choose to be childless n all gay people should be given Nobel Prizes for Earth Saving
eyeontheuniverse
June 28, 21:17“women who choose to be childless n all gay people should be given Nobel Prizes for Earth Saving”
So true! Or at least a nice tax break. Yet in Japan one politician proposed no retirement pension for childless women. Such a narrow view.
Absalom
June 28, 14:58Lmao@ “two parrots”! Sure you want to live with all that noise, Dennis?
Kote
June 28, 15:31#confused….
Dominic
June 28, 18:29Its very easy to say I won’t get married especially when you are still below 25/30. I personally can’t get emotional with a guy and even when I get the emotions its usually short-lived. Sexuality is one complex thing ehn. I want to fuck a boy but wants to love a girl. I don’t even know where I stand self. I’m not worried abt love and care to my wife. What I worry about is sex. Guess I’ll have to drunk each time we wanna have sex. I just tire!
Dennis Macauley
June 28, 20:59@JustJames how did I forget the horse! Its a must @Absalom, I think I can manage with the parrots.
I am very impatient, I am also brash, so I will make a terrible parent even if I tried. Life is about choices, and I have made mine.
CeeCee
June 28, 21:16well, well well, this is one of the most worrying issues for any gay man in Nigeria. If you’re below 27, you still have some years before you have to deal with this issue, but believe it or not, the years fly and even if you’re 17 now, 27 is just a few blinks away!!
Nigerian culture is based on generational continuity via marriage and childbirth, and with the deely “religious” nature of Nigerians (mostly hypocritical of course!!), the biblical injunction to “marry, be fruitful, multiply and fill the earth” is tenaciously clung to, not minding that at the time these scriptural verses were penned, the Jews were a minority, sorrounded by hostile neighbours and thus it was imperative that they increase their numbers rapidly and exponentially as quickly as possible – as situation which vastly differs from ours!!
Anyway, the reality is that if you’re up to 27, a number of your contemporaries are already married, or seriously making plans for that especially if they can afford it, roll forward a few years, many more have been married for a few years, have kids on serious heterosexual relationships, soon you start to look weird, not cos of whats happening in your life, but because of whats NOT happening in your life! Also, a lot of your gay friends will choose the safer, easier way out, so truth is, by the time you’re 40, you’ll be stuck with either a lot of much younger friends (as a lot of your peers will be gone), or you remain a lonely figure viewed with curiousity and weird questions …
On the other hand, I honestly do not think its fair to put an innocent lady through the horrors and rigours of marrying a closeted gay man, but then on the other hand, dont they deserve it since they play a major role in propping up a homophobic and intolerant climate?
For those wishing to settle down with men, start to make arrangements to flee this country, cos that shit aint gonna fly here even 70 years from now!!
I think i’ll take the safest option, find a woman who knows the score and is kool with it, have a few kids while having your fun codedly/discreetly, cos, as my friend says, boyfriends are sweet, but the truth is, after a while, they move on to the next hot/exciting guy and you do the same, but your family will usually always be there for you. This is a difficult and contentious issue, but always have it at the back of your mind that Nigeria is a small spot on the global map, and that there are other peaceful, tolerant spots on the map where you can live quietly and be true to yourself …
Emii
June 29, 00:24Ok….ehhn…my very good friend happens to be the only son from a family that seems upmostly religious…he is Gay (the sight of a naked woman disgust him literally) and at the very tender age of 19… He is already worried sick and scared that his life might end up as a mess because he is not attracted to women..what advice would you give to such…because everytime I see him..he looks down from the thought..what do I tell such a person..
The Cute One
June 29, 00:47I’m still quite young so I have a lot of years to decide. I think I’m not fully gay cos I see naked women and still have hard-ons, same with men. So, I’ll get married when the time comes, to a woman, live happily with her and my children and put the gay thing behind me. Sounds a bit too simple to me tho.
Harper Gold (@HarperGold)
June 29, 14:58I am not getting married to any chic to please some family member. It is not going to happen