JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 36)
May 1
So, this Bruce Jenner transformation ish has helped me to delve into the minds of the people I call homophobes, and that of my family, as I find myself staring in the face of rejection.
When I found out some of her kids kept silent on the issue or showed some displeasure, I realised I’d find it a hard pill to swallow if my mum or dad or brothers decided to become Trans. I asked myself why? Why should I find it hard to accept them when I wish they’d find it easier to accept me? I sort of realised my family members changing would also change a whole lot of “truths” I’d held in my mind as to what my family is.
And there was the answer – Change. It’s constant but it can be a hard thing to accept. I however would like to reason that my love for them, my being in their shoes sort of would help me overcome that fear of change and help in accepting them.
I still don’t understand Transgenders and their struggle, but some things are similar, so instead of letting the differences divide us, let’s let the similarities in our struggles unite us.
A comment brought me to another question. Do I deserve acceptance? Does anyone deserve to be accepted? My instinct was to say yes. But I’ve tentatively decided the answer is no. I don’t deserve to be accepted. I don’t think anyone really does deserve it. That’s why receiving acceptance is such a great gift. I think it’s because of this reasoning of ‘deserving’ something that we take many things for granted and expect so much, leaving room for disappointment. We feel “if I call him often enough, tell him I love him often enough, send money often enough, listen to him when he has problems, etc…” then the object of our affections would automatically reciprocate.
Life doesn’t work that way. Life will often hand you lemons when what you asked for was candy. Then we throw tantrums. We make up a ‘friend zone’ we’ve been thrown into. We get depressed, angry, and exhibit unnecessary negative emotions just because we feel we “deserve more”. No, nobody deserves to be accepted, but we deserve to be treated like human beings, with dignity and respect. That’s why when you are lucky to get something special like total acceptance or reciprocated love or friendship and not just tolerance, you should hold on tight to it and never let it go.
So, I’m no longer seeking acceptance from my mum or dad or anyone. I’d love to be loved unconditionally but I won’t be counting on it anymore. I’ll do what I can to please my mum; I will starve – sorry, fast, just because she requires me to and I’m honoring her wishes. I will not get a girlfriend as I’ve been contemplating for a while now just to give anyone peace of mind. Anything I’m going to do, I am doing for myself and my peace of mind, and maybe out of curiosity at best.
*
Last weekend was fun. See me, unserious student, I traveled to Ilorin again for my friend’s birthday. I set off on Friday with my first love, the one I foolishly turned away because I was thinking life was a fairytale and if we stumbled into problems, then we weren’t meant to be. And he seemed so happy with his current boyfriend. I’m happy for him and wish them well.
He’s changed the name he wants to be known by. He’s also tried to act like he’s changed, that he isn’t exactly the guy I used to know. But I can see it all in there, in his soft brown eyes and moments of silence. He’s still the same person.
The party was on Saturday, at my friend’s place. It wasn’t something too fancy or rich or extravagant… We are just students gathering whatever we can to have a good time and celebrate some amazing people. One of the celebrants is a good friend of mine – Lexie.
Lexie is a very great guy. He’s got one of the softest, grab-able butts I know (his boo is probably reading this…You’re very lucky). He’s vain. He has this hoe-ish behavior but is a romantic at heart (just like most of us are, but won’t care to admit). He’s given me some of the best advice I know. He’s that almost perfect balance between a realist and idealist. He’s got a great voice; it has the power I lack in my singing. That same voice will overpower you in a shouting match as I witnessed during my weekend stay. He can dance for Africa. He dances like no one is watching. He dances for himself. He’s the kind of guy I pray for our friendship to wax stronger with time.
The party ended around two. I was quite tipsy and I danced. Lol. I don’t know how to dance. I’m too rigid. That connection between my mind and my waist isn’t there, so I don’t even know how to twist or break dance. Can’t even shoki for my life! But for a while, I didn’t really care. We were celebrating. But the alcohol slowly wore off and I heard someone say into a friend’s ear that I really don’t know how to dance; and so whatever confidence kept me on the dance floor disintegrated and I left.
Before the dancing commenced, there were a series of games. A girl, an inhabitant of the hostel, called upon me and we ended up kissing. I honestly don’t know if I enjoyed it. I probably didn’t. I didn’t get hard or anything. Probably if the kiss was less sloppy (not my fault), I may have liked it. But it was just there. I got as much emotion from it as sucking on my own lower lip.
By the way, that was the first kiss with a girl I’ve ever had; that is, if you don’t count the time I was eight and my lips pressed on those of a neighbour chick for like a micro second… I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count.
*
A lot of things also happened that I’m torn on whether I should write about or not, because third parties are involved and the friends of third parties read this journal.
I will however say this. It doesn’t make sense to ask somebody out and not be brave enough to admit to that fact after the person says no. Rejection is a part of life. You can either choose to pity the person for missing out on an awesome piece of work that is you, or you wallow in misery wondering what is wrong with you. You’re allowed to get sad and maybe a bit depressed and have a good cry and listen to sad music (I’ve done all that before), but don’t let it get pathetic. There’s someone out there for everyone, and in your own case, you’ve just crossed out one more person and narrowed down the list.
I’ve had my share of rejections. They hurt, but they were also valuable in teaching me things like being strong, accepting that some things aren’t meant to be, and not letting something like that affect my self esteem.
You know how someone said they don’t do young people because they are not settled. I bristled at the accusation that me, in my early twenties, could not maintain a stable relationship. Excuse you! I’ve had a stable relationship for a year-and-a-half (it’s not that long but it is something, right?). And, sure, the ration of long term to short term is 2:3, but cut me some slack.
Things have however lately been pointing in that direction. I know what I want, but I’m seeing it sort of spread out among different people. It’s maddening. You know how you want the safety but also the thrills and the danger. Things like that. So I’ve decided not to choose. I’ve decided a relationship is so not what I need right now. Not now, when I’m technically in my clinical years and my lectures are 8 – 5, and boo will complain that I’m not beeping him or I will tell boo to not beep me, then when he doesn’t, I will call him and put him on blast for being an insensitive bastard. I can be psychotic like that.
I’m hoping that as the years go by, I’ll be a bit more able to control my emotions and reactions when it comes to love and relationship, even though I wonder what the point of emotions are if they aren’t to be felt deeply. I also hope that it’s just youthful exuberance that is disturbing me and that I’d settle down finally. (I can’t believe I just used the words ‘youthful exuberance’… I sound like my mum and pastor).
I’m not perfect. I’ve never claimed to be. Sometimes I feel like some person(s) try to hound me, to look for where I’ll make a mistake or say something or do something, and they’d be waiting for me, ready to make me miserable and say “I had a hunch…” or something. It’s unnerving, to be honest, and I wonder if I’ve offended them before or something. Just thinking out loud o! *clears throat* What makes it worse is when the person is subtle about it. The silent/subtle ones are the ones to watch out for. With the loud ones, you already know what they can do. You can adequately prepare yourself for their attacks. The quiet ones? *shudders*
The results of my re-sit are out. I passed them all. Yay!
*
Someone used style to call me a terrible kisser. Another said he loves kissing me. Honestly, I don’t think there’s such a thing as a good kisser. We just have a preference for the way we want our kisses to go and you just have to learn to understand the person’s rhythm and style. More often than not, the person will do to you what they want you to do to them. And that’s what I watch out for. There are some things I don’t like when kissing though.
Some people will kiss you like a dog and slobber your whole face with spit immediately your lips connect. Others feel like a dementor’s kiss and your soul is about to be sucked out by a mass of tongue and teeth. Others give what I call butterfly kisses – those kinds of kisses where you’d rather the person made up their mind on if they wanted to kiss you or shouldn’t even kiss you at all. Then there are the woodpeckers that just peck at your lips. I believe those ones don’t really like kissing, or in the case of hookups, don’t like sharing that aspect of sex with random people. The Tongue is a grey area. I take it that if you don’t do tongue with the person, then you’re not really into the person.
Personally I prefer the type of kiss that changes gear. From slow kissing of the lips (I like to take the lower lip. Alternation is a must though. Can’t spend too long in one place) to something hotter. Run your tongue against my lips, demand subtle entry (I hardly do this because most people don’t know what it means). Then our tongues can play…light sucking, let the tips touch! I like to nibble sometimes. I know some people really don’t like it, but I like doing it and I like it when it’s done to me. Make sounds of appreciation while it’s going on, with your hand gently going up and down my waist or on my chest. You could even reach out and grab my co –
*sudden vision of Pinky in my head, giving me a very stern look*
Okay! I sound like a hoe. Wait! I am a hoe. *skips merrily away into a rainbow-coloured sunset*
Written by James
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34 Comments
Khristopher B!
May 03, 06:25now Lemme go n read my beloved James’s journal…
iamcoy
May 03, 06:27#bringbackouregyptolORGY
zinnat
May 03, 06:43*in Yemi Alade’s voice* ‘Baby, me & u, sitting on a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G’
Chai! This is my ex’s dept. Dude can kiss for an hour.
Nice entry James.
Sinnex
May 03, 07:26Now this is like the longest entry I have read in a long time.
So you mean you have kissed a whole lot of people….na wa oooo…and to think I am reading this on my way to church…there is God ooooo.
Absalom
May 03, 07:48Everybody deserves the good things of life, including “acceptance”. Now, whether you get it or not depends on a lot of factors, including whether the person “owes” you that thing.
I deserve to have billions of naira in my bank account but I can’t just “expect” anybody to make that happen. What am I doing for the person? Who am I to them?
If my sister treated me differently, say, because I’m gay I will demand an explanation; as someone who grew up with her I deserve better. The gratitude I feel for my family’s love should be healthy, not the gratitude of a slave. I D-E-S-E-R-V-E better.
I believe there are certain things a couple *owe* each other and *deserve* from each other; and when that’s not happening, someone should be uspet, and someone should be explaining. You’re a couple, not drinking buddies.
It’s about being perceptive, I think: knowing how much to expect from WHO, when to demand, and – yes – when to quit trying.
Max
May 03, 08:52Thank you for that.
Jamie
May 03, 08:01LOL @Jamie… Couldn’t stop laughing @all… Funny one!!
Yea, there are some mistakes we regret…like break ups!!!
Dancing??? *hiding ma facey*. I seriously need a tutor ooo…
About critics, it could be really depressing…when some people seem not to find anything fabulous or fascinating about you, but that is if they matter!!
About the kiss chemistry, hmm…it’s nice when one clicks with the other.
trystham
May 03, 08:12Looolz @ dementors kiss
I do not try to understand Jenner’s transformation and accepting will be maximally difficult if he were my parent. It would feel like a great deception. The difference I see btwn us now as young ones and HIM doing the sex change is; We always go on and on about how someone in our family knows who we are, no matter how much we try to hide and these ppl go to extra lengths to try to change us. Seeing a parent, a fixed image in a particular role played all our lives, who suddenly changes/decides to change with no inkling, no preparation for the kids…it will be difficult abeg. I bet if they had caught him once or twice in.their mother’s dresses, it wouldn’t be such a problem. #justsaying
JustJames
May 03, 08:46Exactly what I was thinking till I realised it’s still kinda hypocritical. Practice what you preach.
trystham
May 03, 10:04Yeah, I guess it sounds hypocritical on some levels, But look at it this way; its easier to forgive sum1 when u know and expect his failings than to forgive someone who suddenly turns out to be what u didn’t expect.
How does this affect Nigeria n the acceptance of homosexuality? A race known worldwide for its heterosexual prowess n xterized by multiple marriages SUDDENLY starts springing up men who love and want to do things with other MEN?…I use the word ‘suddenly’ loosely as loads of historians keep proving homosexuality is known in.certain cultures of Africa (we only conveniently forget)…it will be hard to forgive itself and accept it, at least for now.
Shit!!! I’m rambling worse than you or Dennis. I hope u get the gist tho
pinkpanthertb
May 03, 10:20The word for the day is ‘acceptance’, Trys. Not Forgiveness. And the fact that you feel your hypothetical father needs forgiveness from you if he were to come out as a ‘mommy’ is baffling. What wrong did he do? If he was nothing but a good father before he suddenly decided to switch roles, then WTF are you bringing up forgiveness for?
trystham
May 03, 11:15#sigh You didn’t get the point. It is not ‘forgiveness’ I refer to for every mention. It is acceptance used synonymously with each other.
Nope, he doesn’t need ‘forgiveness’ from me for being himself abd I did not in any way ask that he beg for forgiveness, but a prior warning will make me more disposed to accepting him.
Have you seen Stardust? Remember that Ship’s Captain who always liked to dress fancy, hiding in his closet n thot his crew didn’t know? When they were attacked by the Prince’s men.and caught him in dresses, his crew wasn’t surprised n fought for him. Imagine if no one knew. They might av thrown him overboard for a stowaway. That is what I mean…oh dear. Just forget it
MacArdry
May 03, 11:27Bruce didn’t spring this on them out of the blues,his first two wives knew about it from the get-go.He’d even been transitioning,undergoing hormone replacement therapy in the 80’s and stopped when he met Kris Kardashian.I believe he talked about all these during his coming-out interview,so it’s not as if the children don’t have an inkling of what’s going on.
MacArdry
May 03, 11:31Ah,Stardust.
Captain Shakespeare may be trans,but he was also a true leader of men.Either way,his crew would die for him if he but asked
trystham
May 03, 11:35and his wives av bin very supportive. I think we are talking about the kids here
MacArdry
May 03, 11:51The kids,yes.What I’m saying is I don’t think this is a bolt out of the blues for them,the kids from the first two at least.Day of the interview,Brandon was on twitter all supportive n all.And I expect his sibling,Brody,was the same too.
Khaleesi
May 03, 08:26Awww … ***plants cherry wet sloppy kiss on your forehead***James, this is a sweet one! Believe me, speaking from experience, you CAN dance! Its not as hard as you think, keep at it with lots of enthusiasm and a bit of alcohol and one day you’ll be surprised to find that you’ve finally gained mastery over the coordination of your brain and body movements …
Congrats on passing your resits – but of course, you’re a smart boy!
My kissing style: i love to nibble and munch heavily on the lips and if I’m that much into you, then theres bound to be a lotta tongue action spiced with a lotta ass/dick pressing/grabbing ….
JustJames
May 03, 08:44Khalee.. One day we will hang out and I will dance and you’ll realize I’m just a hopeless cause.
JustJames
May 03, 08:41Jemima, Jamal, James… Okay. Continoo.
Ruby
May 03, 09:04*skips merrily away into a rainbow-coloured sunset*
Hahahahahahahahahaha
Oh Jamie Love!
Another Awesome Entry!
Personally I love my kissing to move progressively.
It may be difficult for us to be accepted but slowly and surely, we will get there *it may not be in our generation tho*
Dennis Macaulay
May 03, 09:32I like that you are growing and getting wiser and smarter and its very sexy to me.
You are also learning to live for yourself; selfish? Yes but at the end of the day, write your own script! Never EVER outsource the script writing of the movie that is your life.
One day you will write a song for me, and play the guitar while you sing it!
**sigh**
I believe in serendipity
JustJames
May 03, 11:06Do you want something along the lines of Rihanna’s S&M or something a bit more demure?
Dennis Macaulay
May 03, 11:13Something along the lines of Sade’s sweetest taboo
Khaleesi
May 03, 13:17Hian!! #TwinkWhoreAlert
Dennis Macaulay
May 03, 13:50Abeg shift
Mitch
May 03, 10:10Like someone said, “I don’t expect the best from people. I earnestly expect the worst so that I can be genuinely surprised and grateful when they do something good”. Harsh, right? This has been the principle with which I’ve lived. It has saved me countless heartbreaks and pain (yeah most times I get depressed and completely messed up because of this but it’s a better way for me to live. Like I’ve relentlessly said here, I’m very weak.)
As for your dancing, trust me a little practice would see you becoming good, even possibly great. I don’t believe there’s anything we put our minds to that we can’t do.
Awesome post today, James. I’ve missed your works. And I’m officially back
pete
May 03, 12:15you kissed a girl & enjoyed it.good. go on & explore your sexuality. don’t ever put yourself in boxes with labels
JustJames
May 03, 16:45I really was indifferent about the kiss. But maybe under more favorable circumstances (less sloppiness) I could enjoy it. I’ll probably never know.
Chuck
May 03, 15:39See why you can’t date students? They don’t know wha they want, their circumstances are not in their control (job, school, etc).
Unless you’re a teacher the best advice is to swerve them. I’ll give a student one or two chances but most often these faults come out and those are relationship dealbreakers. Why would you want danger from sex? Many of us are carrying about pyscho sexual disorders o.
Re: acceptance – we all deserve respect, and that respect extends to accepting that each person has a right to do what he/she/they want with his/her/their bodies /sexuality.
Post on Nigerians thinking financial favors are the mark of love coming up…
JustJames
May 03, 16:42Your basically rephrasing what I said about people deserving to be treated as human beings.
Seems we are also forgetting that even some adults don’t have their shit together as seen on this blog sometimes with them behaving like secondary school students. I know what I want.. It’s just seeing it spread among different people thatt is the issue.
And who said anything about wanting danger from sex? Maybe you didn’t read right or you’re just quick to jump to conclusions on things I’ve said. Just to clarify what I meant (though I’m wondering why I’m bothering to) I don’t want a simple relationship that leaves me feeling bored and all.. That’s what I meant by thrills and danger. I know it’s not necessarily a mature way of thinking but at least I can realise that.
MacArdry
May 03, 17:00Not that I really want to get into this conversation,but no true relationship is ever simple.
About the qualities you seek being spread among so many people…….no one person can ever meet all of them,you choose the one that best approximate.Better still,you let love choose.Just saying……
Another thing,in seeking Mr.Right and all his given list of qualities,how well do we make ourselves Right for such person too?.
Oh well,I’ve said more than I intended
Chuck
May 04, 02:33I can’t pretend to understand what you want in a man being spread among various people. I believe a person’s personsality is holistic. Dating should be person oriented, not list focused.
I believe that if you think love should be a source of excitement then you’re getting it wrong. Excitement is a good feeling at the start of a relationship, but love is completion and companionship. It is not thrilling entertainment or a rollercoaster. Those are fleeting fascinations.
Being a student does not disqualify ayone prima facie, but it means thorough research will be done. I believe in taking my time with dating/ friendship/ exposure anyway, so the stupid/ those lacking perspective will reveal themselves, no matter their ages.
Gad
May 03, 19:46This is fast becoming the most realistic, honest and reasonable journal here. you will be amazed at the number of persons whose life you are giving a meaning. I mean the youngsters who are seeking honest and responsible answers to many of life,s questions. May God contnue to endue you with His heavenly grace.well done Jamie
King Mufasa
May 04, 08:15Do I love James? Yes.
Brilliant read.