A Little Bit Of Lesbian Drama
Came across this Facebook update posted by Olu Bunmi, which gives some interesting insight into the Nigerian lesbian community. It is the kind of drama that makes gay men shenanigans look like we’re rehearsing for a high school musical. Lol.
Check on it.
***
Long post alert.
I want to borrow Nora Oma Patrick’s phrase of “wetin dey pepper me for bodi”. The thing that is peppering me for body is some lesbians blackmailing other lesbians.
A few months ago, I got an email from a lady who is married but has a female lover. She needed me to mediate for her on a matter and did not want me to post it. I get inboxed from lesbian women from time to time, and they ask me for confidential advice with a request for me not to post because, stigma.
So, back to this married lady. God gave me wisdom and patience, and thankfully, I was able to help the people involved reconcile.
Fine.
A few days ago, I sent her a message just to check that everyone is still fine. And I was shocked when she told me that her lesbian lover is forcing her to come out to her husband and family. That if she, the married woman, does not come out to her husband and family, then she, the lover who is single, will go and get married to a man that her own parents are putting her under pressure to marry.
See wickedness o. Single lady cannot stand up to her parents and say “I don’t want to marry this man. I will marry who I want to marry.” Single girl does not have the guts to come out to her own parents, but she is forcing married woman to come out to her husband and family.
Is that not pure and unadulterated wickedness?
I told the married woman: “If you want to come out, by all means, do. Be prepared for whatever comes out of it. Your husband might accept you for who you are and still want to be with you. There is also a real possibility of your husband saying he does not want you anymore and he might get custody of the kids because of the stigma against homosexuality in Naija. If you know you are prepared for that, go ahead because it is YOUR CHOICE. DON’T LET ANY BEESH FORCE YOU TO COME OUT, KANKAN!!! IF THE SEX IS THAT GREAT, GET YOURSELF A VIBRATOR!!!”
She said it is more than the sex, that she really does love this single lady. But that the single lady has been taunting her on WhatsApp by putting up pictures of another particular girl.
Block her already na!
I said to her, “There are hundreds of thousands of lesbian women who are in heterosexual marriages like you. They can’t be their true selves and be with the women they love because, stigma. Yet, they have lesbian lovers. If you must have a lesbian lover, have a woman like you – whose best interest is in keeping the affair confidential.”
That was how, a few months ago o, two lesbians met on my wall and begged me to introduce them to each other. I did o. When they eventually made contact, the attraction was one sided. So, the one that was not attracted to the other one did not continue with the contact. That was how the one that was attracted came to tell me that I should tell the other woman that if she does not sleep with her, she, the attracted one, will out her on InstaBlog and other blogs. She said she loves the other woman and must have her in her bed, even if it is only one gbensh.
This one must be moving mad ke. Lol. You say you love someone, yet, you are blackmailing them by threatening to out them? If you now don’t come and love them and actually hate them nko? What would you do? Kill them?
Mscheeewwww!
Dear gay people of Nigeria, my heart goes out to you o. But please, be careful and guard your heart. If you are not ready to be outed by force, try and avoid people who have nothing to lose in outing you by force and also themselves by implication.
Back again to the married woman. I said to her: “Sis, anytime thoughts of that idiot blackmailer come to your mind, pull your children and husband close to you.” I’m not in her position and I don’t know if that is good advice. She then asked me what she can do to be able to enjoy sex with her husband as she does not enjoy it. I suggested a sex therapist like Pamela Udoka. But I don’t know if that is good advice really.
If you can help her and give her advice on how to enjoy sex with her husband, if you are in this position and have advice for her, please let me know. You can inbox me or email me at bunmiajai@yahoo.com if you want to keep it confidential.
PS: I hope you know that I don’t like spirikoko advice to practical problems. Don’t no one come and tell her to fast and pray or go for deliverance.
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13 Comments
Fred
May 25, 06:54This your PS is the real deal
Mandy
May 25, 07:42Lol. As in. That PS gave me life. Even then, I’m pretty sure some of Olu Bunmi’s readers would still flood her comments section with judgment and spirikoko self righteousness.
Mandy
May 25, 07:40She is gay. I don’t think she’d ever be able to truly enjoy sex with her husband. It’s the thing that gay men do too, where they start withdrawing sex from their wives, because, well, that’s not what they’re into. It’s the sad side effect of being gay in a heterosexual marriage.
But one thing she should never do is rearrange her life simply because her lover told her to. In fact, she should rethink the feelings she has for this woman who is clearly a manipulative bitch.
Pete
May 25, 08:11We should keep same vitriol we reserve for MGMs for MLWs unless your problem is not the cheating but the gender.
Pink Panther
May 25, 08:37LOL. Who are you talking to, Pete?
trystham
May 25, 18:17E Pele. Married Queer Folk Emancipator. The vitriol is ever ready and unending. It will be enough for everyone of u ppl
trystham
May 25, 18:14Wait o. This adviser sef. First single lady is nau beensh because she wants the assurance that she, even when she loses her family prolly outing herself FINALLY to them, she will be secure in the fact that she knows she’s not gonna be sharing her love with husband??? What madam married woman apparently is not willing to give? YET, u don’t want her to post pics of someone else (who I’m certain is as single as she is)???
Aunt married lesbian, face your husband and children.??? Let us know the sensible ppl that are left abeg
BRYAN PETERS
May 27, 07:40????
You just had to clap your hands for effect ey?
J
May 25, 18:36Wahala! If you love yourself and truly value your happiness, no one will force you to marry the opposite sex when you’re not interested.
How can you truly be happy when you can’t face your reality? Don’t blame homophobia, learn to take responsibility for your decisions! Most of you want to eat their cakes and have it, you see homosexuality as a game and obviously your life depends on it, so who are you deceiving? You want to have children, you want to please society… Go ahead, but when you start a war against yourself, only you can fix it, so face it!
You hate yourself, you often hate, damage and discourage everyone around you who wants to live their truth and yet everyday you’re complaining and running around. Haven’t you found fulfillment in marrying the wrong gender? Haven’t you found fulfillment in pleasing your parents and society?
You can never be happy if you don’t honor your self and accept your reality. Everyone is busy with their life, so live yours! Your opinion is all that matters, forget ignorant and selfish people. They are not willing to understand and they will never understand, just don’t give them the right over your life, be very assertive and fierce.
Omiete
May 25, 22:56This is real drama. Na wa
Sloan
May 26, 00:44What I’ve realized is that maybe these people settle for conventional marriages because there really is a sense of duty in making the relationship work and being truly responsible to each other and helping each other grow.
Our gay relationships on the other hand are mostly fraught with fickle attraction with little to no sense of genuine duty to the other party. You just want to avoid multiple sexual partners by not having them all at once. Any reason is a reason to cheat, any reason is a reason to break up. No real communication, no sense of wanting to beat any odds or difficulties in a relationship because there is no sense of family, little to no social recognition of your relationship and no children to encourage you to make things work. These are all bonds usually stronger than sex.
We on the other hand start most relationships because the sex is good. All that is required to break it is better sex elsewhere. And sex is the easiest thing to get. It defines our gay lifestyle.
Even in the relationships. You saw his hot friend?sex. You get hit on at a party? Sex. You stumble on a cute social media acquaintance? Sex. You meet an old flame? Sex.
No sense of security whatsoever. You’re only as strong as your last bedroom session. No deeper connection. To society, you’re still single and you are treated as such. Your relationship isn’t much to be proud of. In fact, everyone knows there’s an expiry date. Anyone interested in any of you just has to sit and wait.
But marry someone of the opposite sex and start a family. We scrutinize MGMs for the only reason we can muster – speculation over how poor their sex lives must be.(and so we think they won’t last, since sex is all that matters to us. And we want them to cheat, so we feel better about ourselves ) Yet a two year old marriage has more security than you have ever had in all the 50+ relationships you’ve had before your 30th birthday. They have each other, they have society and they have family and friends that recognize them and support them. And so the saying goes that even though people cheat, they will usually never leave their spouses for the third party. There is a reason why. Their lives as married people are still better off. Wives usually won’t leave their men when they grow old, or grow fat, or grow a belly. Men also usually won’t do same for women who gain weight after childbirth. But let someone in a gay relationship find someone with a six pack when their partner has five, and all hell breaks loose.
Even you people crying foul at MGMs. I bet majority of you are not half as happy as they are. At least they are committed to make things work, however difficult. Your relationships can only go as far as your sexual attraction lasts. And when it all ends, nobody really cares but you.
That’s why I’m asking to cut them some slack. We have not yet figured out mature relationships. They are still better off married.
DBS
May 26, 11:27Nice writeup except it all sounds like an excuse. As happy as they are, why not refrain from involving a third party totally and make their “heavenly” marriage work. How do you stay married in a secure marriage and expect so much from a single person. I’m sure the lady who can’t come out to her husband wants the single lady to remain single and unmarried and probably come out to her family, what selfishness! If you wanna get married and be secure, get married and be secure and leave the single sex loving guys/women the heck alone or at least date other married people and heck don’t be jealous! Or maybe find ways to make your sex life work in your marriage if you can and stop looking for justification for being unable to stand against society. Happiness? Of course, I’m sure they are very happy.. Joke of a century!
You don’t know until you are there.
BRYAN PETERS
May 27, 08:05It honestly is all about making the best of one’s situation. It sounds so inspirational to go and say “live your truth. Screw family and society. Bla bla bla.” But in reality, happiness means different things to different people. Love is about sacrifice and not even comfort. There are MGMs who do get married to make their families happy. They would be accepted if they came out but it doesn’t mean they haven’t broken their mother’s hearts. For such people, they may sacrifice their happiness for that of their family out of love, duty and willing obligation. Not even for the fear of rejection or anything cos even in societies where same sex marriages are legal, there r still MGMs living on the DL. So in this sacrifice, some find happiness. It’s not our duty to analyse and conclude who is truly happy or not.
This sacrifice doesn’t however change their sexuality. If they want to have a 3rd party, well it’s between them and the 3rd party. Don’t force people to be exclusive with you if u can’t give them that same exclusivity. Don’t be selfish and go jealous cos you have a spouse at home and the 3rd party doesn’t. Any 3rd party who wants to come and cry nyen nyen nyen should hold it cos you knew full well that said person was married in the first place.
So, bottom line is don’t ask for what you can’t give and then we shld let people live with the choices they make. Just as we won’t appreciate people condemning us for the sex of the people we choose sleep with, we should not slut shame MGMs for cheating cos they didn’t kidnap and rape that 3rd party. It was a mutual agreement. In the same vein, such MGMs should not demand fidelity.
P.S., my heart goes out to the (un)suspecting wives MGMs (and husbands for MLWs). I hope they do get on the other hand do get the best out of their marriage.