ALL THE WAYS 2019 HAS GIVEN US LIFE

When we rode into this year on the waves of Kevin Hart’s Oscar controversy, we should have buckled our seats and braced ourselves for a very tempestuous year – one that would be characterized by various reasons for us to be joyous, sad, angered and delighted. There was so much to talk about, so many things to feel, so much noise to make on the social media. If 2019 was a movie, it would be the highest grossing movie of all time (Yes, I’m talking to you, Avengers: Endgame).

These are the ways this year gave us all the feels:

TOXIC MASCULINITY

2019 was a year filled with toxic men flexing their muscles. Yes, 2019 gave us a refresher course on the topic that men are scum. Men who would win Best Actor awards if Homophobia was a Golden Globe nominated film.

In January, American actor Christian Keyes decided he’d had it with gay men leaving comments on his Instagram posts with the eggplant emoji and posted a video where he basically told all the thirsty men among his followers to back off.  “If I respect your truth, you respect mine,” he lectured.

Boxer Adrien Broner was not so nice. In March, he posted a video where he threatened his admirers with a shooting. “If any fucking, punk ass nigga come run up on me, trying to touch me on all that gay shit,” he ranted on social media, “I’m letting you know right now – if I ain’t got my gun on me, I’m knocking you the fuck out. If I got my gun on me, I’m shooting you in the fucking face, and that’s on God and them.”

And just so the community of thirsty gay men are clear, he clarified, “I don’t like gay shit.”

Author Roosh Valizadeh must really, really, not like gay shit, because in February, he declared himself a “boob man”, because, according to him, “being a butt man is just a gateway to homosexual activity”. You gotta love 2019, right? It is the year that brought us the knowledge – according to Roosh – that every straight man who likes or admires the ass on a woman is just a heartbeat away from becoming a homosexual.

And where two or three homosexuals are gathered, there’s bound to be a gay wedding, right? At least, in the West, where marriage equality is legal. Well, our very own Gideon Okeke was not here for any of that nonsense. After designer Marc Jacobs and his husband wedded in April, the actor best known for, well, the only thing anyone has ever seen him do – Tinsel – took to Instagram to let the whole world know that as long as men are effeminate and sodomy is cool and gay marriage exists, then he and his household “are NOT of this world.”

Is it safe to say that in these remaining days before we ring out 2019, Gideon and his family will be ascending into heaven away from this sinful, sinful world? Can somebody please check with his neighbours to know if they’re still inhabiting their house and get back to us?

CELEBRITIES MAKE LOVE AND WAR

Forget about men being scum: 2019 gave us CELEBRITY DRAMA! Our tongues wagged and virtual popcorns were flying off the shelves as we consumed the love and hate antics of our celebrities.

I mean, will we ever get an Oscar ceremony that generated as much side-eyed speculation as the one where Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper transferred their chemistry from screen to stage with their performance of Shallow? Was anyone really surprised that four months later, Bradley and his longtime girlfriend, Irina Shayk went to splitsville? That Irina sat there watching those two make eyes at each other in the name of performing music had us talking for days after the Oscars. We wanted to know when she’d be scratching Bradley’s eyes out and when Lady Gaga would be moving in.

But two women who came close to scratching each other’s eyes out were Big Brother housemates, Tacha and Mercy, in a showdown that set the Nigerian virtual world on fire. There were screams and clapping hands and flipping weaves and taunts about “smelling armpits”. It was decadent. It was delicious. We wanted MORE!

But the ladies weren’t the only ones who got down and dirty. Former bandmates, Blackface and Tuface also took a swing at each other that we observed with breathless anticipation. Well, Blackface was the one doing the swinging – with all sorts of allegations about Tuface being a hypocrite, a song thief and a homosexual. “2Face, since when dem start to nyash you for back, that’s why you no fit stand straight, that’s what made you a star…” Blackface rapped in a very forgettable diss track titled, well, titled something that we can’t remember either.

Implying that someone is gay must however be a thing with rappers who are feuding with each other, because Nick Cannon did the exact same thing when he went after Eminem for coming for him and his ex-wife, Mariah Carey, in a – what else? – diss track. In yet another update of a long-running feud that apparently won’t quit, Eminem fired the first shot of this sequel when he rapped that basically Nick Cannon has no balls. Cannon retaliated with a less-than-stellar (I’m told) salvo where he belted a smorgasbord of cringeworthy bars: “I heard your chauffeur got a video of you suckin’ a cock / You paid him off, then laid him off, now who really the opp?”

I mean! Are these men closeted douchebags or are these rappers legit trying to make my sexual pleasures into something that’s dirty?

Speaking of dirty, actress Tonto Dikeh (she’s still an actress, yes?) went down into the gutters with just about everyone this year. I mean, that woman was not here to play with her haters. Cross so much as an eye in her direction, and she would gut you with her glossy red talons. Chief among those who felt the scorching heat of Ms. Dikeh’s ire was her infamous ex-husband, Churchill Olakunle. In a move that every woman should learn, Tonto waged a war of “he said, she said” against her ex-husband and won with a shitload of receipts that packed a punch the size of Dwayne ‘The Rock” Johnson’s fist. Tonto Dikeh Buries Churchill Parts 1, 2 and 3 were the blockbuster Nollywood films everyone rushed to Youtube to go see.

LGBT CANCELLATIONS OF THE YEAR

The LGBT community cancelled a few people this year. Kevin Hart led the gang with his Oscar controversy that opened up 2019’s popcorn-worthy dramas. From the unearthing of his past homophobic tweets and the backlash that followed after that, to his defiance, non-apologies and then subsequent firing from hosting the Academy Award this year, there were just not enough red marks to show just how much we wanted Kevin Hart to just. Go. Away.

And for a while, he went away. Only to come back on our screens, where we saw him attempt to gaslight our very own darling, Lil Nas X on the HBO conversation series, The Shop. He legit expressed confusion over why the rapper felt a need to come out and said he didn’t believe he ever faced homophobia. Can you believe this guy?

He apparently STILL doesn’t want to go away, seeing as his upcoming Netflix documentary series, Kevin Hart: Don’t Fuck This Up, will be covering the Oscar controversy, among other things. “There’s a lot that you don’t know,” Hart says in the trailer for the documentary, which premieres December 27 on Netflix. The question is: Do we really want to know? Here’s hoping that after this, we can all put this whole fiasco to bed. It’s starting to feel soooo last decade.

What we probably won’t ever forget in a hurry? Jussie Smollett’s lie!

Now, that is a person who was not cancelled by just the LGBT community.

Everybody else cancelled Jussie Smollett.

He became a synonym for “LIES! From the pit of Hell.”

He was so cancelled, even the show that shot him to stardom, Empire, became cancelled by Fox. That is how vast the ripple effect of his cancellation was.

And all it took was a shoddily-told lie involving two Nigerians.

LGBT SWEETHEARTS OF THE YEAR

Two people reigned supreme in our list of darlings this year.

At the very top is Lil Nas X. From making history when he broke Mariah Carey’s Billboard record with his Old Town Road song crossing 17 weeks atop the Billboard Hot 100, making it the longest-running No. 1 single in chart history, to coming out so spectacularly in a Twitter post that closed out the Pride Month this year, Lil Nas X has made his way permanently into our hearts. We just want to love him and see him continue winning – at the Grammys next year, whose nominations he already dominates.

The other darling is the one who became the first openly-gay, black man to win an Emmy for Best Actor in a Drama series: Billy Porter. As part of his acceptance speech during that win, he said: “The category is Love!”

And we’ll always love him. Especially as he continues to defy gender norms with his fashion statements on the red carpet. The Golden Globes, the Oscars and the Met Gala are yet to recover from his unforgettable red-carpet statements. Here’s to a whole new Billy dazzle in 2020!

ALL ABOUT BOBRISKY

2019 served us a lot of stars that came and went. But one person who had staying power from start to finish was Bobrisky. Every time we blinked, it was something else going on about Bobrisky. She was constantly on people’s lips, sometimes without even making an effort.

Actress Liz Anjorin was full of appreciation for her – with a clause. “Until you were [sic] caught with your fellow man, then I will deny you here and after life,” she said in an Instagram post. (This begs the question: how does she feel about this declaration now that Bobrisky has declared herself to be Nigeria’s First Trans woman? I mean, “your fellow man” would not apply any longer, would it?)

Washed-out actor Charles Awurum sought relevance when he blasted Nollywood producers who have opened the doors for Bobrisky to feature in films. “Nollywood, greed has led you to do anything for money including featuring Bobrisky in a movie. How can you feature a man who has changed himself to a woman, bleached his skin and is now giving small boys money to become gay?” he ranted on a social media video post. (Someone should tell this celebrity-wannabe that we see him and his desperate attempts to become relevant again. But instead of ranting against Bobrisky, he should perhaps change himself to a woman and bleach his skin. It did work for Bobrisky, didn’t it?)

Then there was the entire birthday saga, where a reported 100 policemen (more than any has been made available to fight crime) were deployed to storm the venue of Bobrisky’s birthday party. Because it was reported that things would happen at the party that would pose a risk to national security. We still don’t know if those threats to national security were effectively shut down – but we do know that the multimillion-naira cake that Bobrisky purchased for the party was not enjoyed by any of the partygoers.

And how are we ever to forget about the persistent love affair between Bobrisky and our very own Director-General of National Council for Arts and Culture, Otunba Runsewe? If getting appointed as the Director General was based on an election, Otunba would have made Bobrisky his manifesto – seeing as every time he opened his mouth to talk about how to promote Nigeria’s arts and culture, it almost always hinged on Bobrisky. When the man began advising women not to share public toilets with Bobrisky, we knew he had to be protecting whatever future public toilet sexual romps he has planned with Bobrisky.

THE LAWS OF AFRICA

African nations showed that we are a continent of diversities: some moving forward and others moving backward. Among those who have seen the light and are actively matching forward are Angola who, in January, not only decriminalized same-sex conduct, but also criminalized discrimination based on sexual orientation. So, in Angola, homosexuals are free while homophobes are potential jail birds. Isn’t life sweet?

Also, Botswana, in June, overturned its antigay laws, the country’s high court ruling in favour of decriminalizing homosexuality.

This move contrasted with Kenya’s May ruling, which upheld the law that criminalizes gay sex, stating that there was no “substantial evidence to show that the petitioners are discriminated and their rights violated.” You know, when they said Justice is blind, I didn’t know this was what they meant.

Nigeria’s antigay laws are still intact and unchallenged. Fear not. The steps we took backward were not based on the country’s homophobia.

Oh no.

It is based on free speech.

Remember that saying that goes: “First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out, because I was not a socialist…” Well, they did come for gay rights, and Nigerians jubilated because they were not the gays. Now that they have come for our freedom of expression, suddenly everyone realizes the abuse of human rights that our legislature represents.

The Nigerian Senate is considering not one but two harsh bills relating to freedom of expression online, including one which proposes the death penalty for “hate speech” – which is really just Latin for “speech that makes us politicians targets for Nigerians in diaspora to beat the shit out of when we travel overseas.”

One is called the National Commission for the Prohibition of Hate Speech bill, and the other the Protection from Internet Falsehood and Manipulation and other Related Offences bill. Such fancy names. And what they do is give authorities arbitrary powers to shut down the internet and limit access to social media, and make criticizing the government punishable with penalties of up to three years in prison.

Do you not just love this country?

[STAY TUNED AS WE COME BACK WITH MORE WAYS 2019 HAS GIVEN US LIFE.]

Written by Pink Panther