Are There Any Men For Good Boys Like Me?
“Are there any men for good boys?” I asked a friend, Larry, who is an older man. “Good boys like me.”
Larry replied, “You don’t want to know what older men have to go through.”
I am of course not a saint, but sometimes, I get really bothered over how unlucky I’ve been in relationships. I am this jolly person who is able to make friends easily, love good conversations and music, and is a neat freak.
And even though one of my desires is to be in a committed relationship, I have had little success in that department.
The first guy I ever considered being serious with was Vick. I met him on Grindr when I was in school. He was residing in Abuja while I was schooling in Ondo State. Our conversations were really good and easy, and after we established that we were both single and searching, even though I was yet to meet him, Vick and I started dating. He would call at night, no matter how late, just so we could talk about our individual days and then say good night to each other. And he would be the first to say good morning on WhatsApp the next day. It was cute. Enchanting. Beautiful.
After a while, he suggested I visit him in Abuja. We planned that I’d come over after my exams. He came to pick me up at Berger and drove me to his place. He treated me well, and the sex was good, even though he was so big, I felt like he was fucking me all the way to my stomach.
Then I left. I think you know how the story goes from here. After I left Abuja, he changed. He didn’t even call the day I left; I was the one who called him to inform him that I was home. The next day, I called him and he sounded very distant, and then he hung up while I struggled for us to have a conversation. I’d send him messages on WhatsApp and he wouldn’t reply. Two weeks after ghosting me so callously, he finally called to tell me how sorry he was, and blah-blah-blah. And just like that, the charming man I thought I had in my life was out of it.
Matt was the next person I met and dated. He was a fresher in my school when I met him. He was cute, slenderly-built and hairy. I like hairy men. We’d started off as friends, and later began dating. Our relationship was great – that is, when he wasn’t being emotionally unstable. It was confusing, I never seemed to know which Matt I was going to get with each new day. He’d be sweet and caring one moment, and the next, he’d be grumpy and irascible. It was as though I was dealing with someone with a split personality.
When I couldn’t bear tiptoeing around his temperament all the time, I had to break things off with him.
I have stayed single since Matt.
Growing up as a gay man, I was the good boy. I was the one without the spontaneous streak when it comes to his love life. The one who settled disputes between my friends and their boyfriends, and covered for them when they cheated. I was the good boy who would listen to my friends’ sexual escapades and never seemed to have any stories of mine to tell. The one who appeared to have a knack for setting people up to go on to date, whereas I didn’t seem to have much luck for myself. The one whose friends teased for being single because I am not able to throw caution to the wind. A friend would often tell me that I am rigid, because I am not one to exchange or post nude/provocative pictures. The idea is that if I were a little less disciplined and a little more wanton, I might actually get a man.
And that leaves me wondering: are there no men for good boys like me?
Written by Jay
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42 Comments
Rehoboth
March 16, 06:39Pick me
Black Dynasty
March 16, 06:43I am largely in a similar boat and I’d like to believe there are decent guys out there looking to settle down too.
However, you’d first need to understand that most men don’t have similar intentions as you and that’s fine (each to their own), but I’d suggest taking the time to go on dates first and getting to know them (talking over the phone is not dating in my opinion as you likely imagine who you think he is, vs who he actually is).
See if you’re compatible and generally want the same things, keep sex off the table for the first few dates (doing it asap should not be that high on the priority list if they’re genuinely looking for something long term and serious)… lol this part generally drives most of the jokers/ time wasters away.
Most of all, enjoy being single till you find someone who wants to settle down with you. Actions speak louder than words… always.
Ps. I’m still of the opinion that a good chunk of men who say they want relationships are actually looking for fuck buddies/FWB type of situation and don’t even know it.
Dee
March 16, 07:13You have said it all bro.
Jay
March 16, 08:03Thanks pink panther!!!!! Guys are there men for people like me?
Sim
March 16, 09:37Hi Jay, I think I know you. Peravanture you the guy I think. I am very Sorry, I probably ruined my friendship with you. Hopefully someday we can be friends again, although I have apologized before.
Dr.Sim
Jay
March 16, 08:06Black u know men pretend a lot just to get laid.
Sim
March 16, 09:34Hi Jay, I think I know you. Peravanture you the guy I think. I am very Sorry, I probably ruined my friendship with you. Hopefully someday we can be friends again, although I have apologized before.
Dr.Sim
Black Dynasty
March 16, 10:10Hmm yea, that’s why I suggest taking the time to go on actual dates and keep sex off the table. A lot of men can pretend but the pretence will only last so long.
Besides actions tends to speak volumes, if it’s not matching with what they’re saying, don’t waste your time….. but enjoy being single in the mean time.
Thor
March 16, 08:12Lol Jay! You have to understand something that being a good boy doesn’t hurt! Trust me I can relate with these things you penned down safe for the sex aspect. First rule after visiting a potential Bae, do not call them or try to strike conversations. Act as though you’re indifferent about the whole happenings and you go with the flow. Try to ensconce your feelings because alot of men out there (me inclusive) doesn’t want someone being clingy or to have much expectations as a result of some form of encounter (which is mostly the reason why some of them try to grow distant a bit).
As for the men, they’re right there and you’d be surprised when you have 2 or 3 looking for your attention just when you’re about to give up on having any good man.
J
March 16, 08:50What is it about being clingy that you don’t like? You feel they don’t have a life and would make your life miserable or something? So many people say they want someone in their lives, but they don’t want to grow up. Relationships is about sacrifice, being accommodating and understanding. If you are not ready for it, stay alone. If you don’t want someone in your space, stay alone.
Please Jay, don’t censor yourself to conform to someone’s ignorance and selfishness. Like me, I fall in love with all my body and soul and many guys see that as desperation and being too clingy. I realised that most guys prefer to be mistreated, ghosted and being dragged before they can take someone seriously. They like the hard to get type, the mysterious set of people that have nothing mysterious in particular. It’s all fake, people are too shallow please!
Anyone that will make you change just to get their attention is actually not worth it. Save your energy and becareful with the type of people you welcome into your life. There are so many depressed guys out there that can make you sick, they actually don’t know what they want. Your mental health is very important, so save yourself.
Black Dynasty
March 16, 10:21Ah hmm, so play games basically? There’s very few things that are as off putting as this tbh.
If the date etc goes well, i will get in contact and follow up, if he starts to act distant, I’ll assume the interest is not mutual and keep it moving… life is too short to waste it on people not ready.
Grown men don’t play these games, boys do and they come in all ages
Fire lord
March 16, 08:24There are. Just continue being a good boy.
Trust me, when the connection hits, the so called bad boy (in such case) wont stand a chance.
KryxxX
March 16, 08:48Good boys always carry last oh! ? ? ? ?. Ezigbote last. Lol.
But on a more serious note though, there are actually men for good boys but personally I feel they are scarce or are just hiding behind that bad boy persona. And the gay clime and law in Nigeria actually makes it extra difficult for you to find them or them you. But trust me they are there and just like you are unlucky by only bumping into the bad ones so are they too. I just feel you should take time to build you, be the best you can be in whatever you do and keep on being good. It might not be today or tomorrow but one day you will find yours(and mine too).
May the universe hear your(our) plea. ???
Dimkpa
March 16, 09:44I balk at the suggestion in your title that not sending dick pics or having ‘wanton’ sex as you put it makes you a good boy. You are therefore implying that those of us that do are bad.
The last paragraph makes me feel you think there is something to gain from standing on the sidelines and watching others live life. My dear, life is passing you by and you don’t know it. You’re searching for a fairy tale but don’t yet realise there’s a reason they are called that. Fairies don’t exist.
I was once like you. A year passed without sex. Not that I didn’t have offers but I was looking for something more etc. It was a therapist, who gave me a kick in the ass, figuratively. Remember that they often say they are not supposed to tell you what to do however, on this occasion, when I told him about my situation, he got a bit upset with me and told me to get out there and live my life.
I will leave you this quote I read somewhere, In 10 years from now, you will only regret the things you didn’t do and not the things you did. A book I once read told the story of an old man who was interviewed and asked he had any regrets in life. His reply, “Yes, I haven’t had enough sex.” The author went on to mention that when asked to look back on their lives, men, whether gay or straight, consistently lament the timea they could have had sex but didn’t. Curiously, the opposite was the case for women.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I send dick pics, I have a healthy sex life (sometimes too healthy) and I am a VERY GOOD GUY.
J
March 16, 11:06People are different, not everyone can cope with the kind of abuse you get from random hookups. Not everyone wants to have that endless sexual experience with so many guys? There’s nothing good about a sex I can’t enjoy or be proud of… There’s a difference between having sex and making love. Call me whatever, I know most guys think with their dicks and they feel having a wild sexual adventure is the ultimate satisfaction you can get in life. Not everyone shares in that kind of fulfilment.
How healthy is your sexual life when you only use condoms and barely know the person you’re having sex with? Remember you deep throat them without using condoms, you lick their anuses without using condoms that’s if there was a condom for the tongue. You kiss and exchange lots of bodily fluids without knowing… How healthy is that? I know there’s PREP, but HIV isn’t the only STI. Some people are struggling with anal cancer, throat cancer and etc.
Keredim
March 16, 14:56“How healthy is your sexual life when you only use condoms and barely know the person you’re having sex with?
Very healthy and convenient thank you very much. Especially when one travels a lot..
?
J
March 16, 15:50I don’t understand, how does travelling makes it better?
Keredim
March 16, 15:58When you are single and travel a lot, safe sex with people you don’t know is healthy. (Aka no strings sex)
It helps to broaden your horizons (no pun intended) and also helps you know what you do and don’t like sexually.
Experience is key.
J
March 16, 22:58Yes experience is key, but I can’t have sex with just everyone. What if I fall in love? I have decided I will not have sex with anyone unless if we both have a connection. No strings attached is not for me, I fall in love easily.
If you are cool, just be good to me and give me a little attention, I will fall for you easily and when I get attached, it’s for real and for good unless you push me away.
Keredim
March 17, 02:38Ndo.
Cue Tina Turner
?What’s love got to do, got to do with it
What’s love but a second hand emotion
What’s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?
??????
J
March 17, 06:17What manner of song is that? Such hopelessness ?
J
March 17, 11:59Too bad your role model Tina Turner went through hell with her late ex husband Ike Turner, I guess the ill treatment she experienced inspired her lyrics… But she didn’t give up, she had to even give up on her US nationality because of love. Read below
“Turner met German music executive Erwin Bach. Bach is sixteen years her junior. Initially friends, Turner and Bach began dating the following year, and have remained together ever since. In July 2013, after a 27-year romantic partnership, the couple married in a civil ceremony on the banks of Lake Zurich, in Küsnacht, northern Switzerland.[135]”
Everyone needs that heart to be mended even when it’s broken. Children, career and sex tourism can’t give you that fulfilment.
Keredim
March 19, 03:12Actually Tina Turner didn’t write the song.
But you’re probably too busy pottering away in the house of moralista, to know that.?
J
March 22, 15:09Hahaha house of moralista, all for me? ??? you’re a trouble maker
Xtian
March 16, 19:36Finally! Someone with brains.
Sex is great, but overrated and I for one will rather live with regrets than incurable health conditions and don’t even get me started on how many people in Nigeria only have sex with others for diabolical purposes.
I want to have sex, wild sex, but with someone I know and someone I trust.
Until then, I will be making money ?
Rogue
March 16, 09:53Good boy, good boy!
I can totally relate to this. I always get the “you look innocent“ speech whenever I met someone . It annoys me because after a while this person feels he can take advantage!
Kayeze
March 16, 11:08I am sure like you …. Please somebody should tell Henry Derrick lAwson to pick my call
bamidele
March 16, 11:17Dear Jay,
We really have many things in common. I can relate with your story. This is why I’ll suggest to you what has made me move on. Clear your mind. Look within. Try and find out your potentials and talents, etc. Start right now to keep yourself busy with them. Learn new skills, that can help you improve on your talent. Write a book, do some sport, music, play/film… etc. Anything you like and do well, will definitely benefit you in the future.
Let me give you an example. You must have about one of the most famous books/films of all time, ‘Harry Potter’ Please, check the history of the author, J. K. Rowlings. She had been poor, lonely, depressed, couldn’t pay bills, dumped by her lover.. etc. It was then that she tried to revive her childhood talent. Initially facing publishing obstacles, and so on, she finally made a debut. You should know that each edition of Harry Potter usually shut down other books for about three months. Now she is in a happy relationship. My point is that, rather than thinking about loneliness or allowing others to play with your emotions, use this opportunity to explore the greatness (which everybody has) in you. The one who knows your values will find you in the future.
All the best!
J
March 16, 11:53Words Bamidele!
I understand Jay perfectly, you know relationship is part of us not everyone can cope efficiently without a relationship. I read about J. K too. I read about Enya and Sia and most of these stars that are paranoid and prefer to stay single until they meet someone genuine. Do you know why? It’s because they feel no one will love them for who they are, but rather what they are.They feel most of the people that come close to them are only after the money and fame. The more reason you see why most celebrities only get along with other celebrities.
Most people want to meet their life partners before they become something in life that’s why so many people are looking for someone that will take them the way they are before they shut their doors. Money can not give you complete happiness, there’s this fulfilment you get when you know there’s someone out there that will always be at your back no matter what. That’s why the search for true love is endless until when it’s achieved, because it’s the only beautiful thing in the entire universe. I’m delusional right? Someone told me that once ???
Keredim
March 16, 11:41“Growing up as a gay man…….I was the good boy. The one who settled disputes between my friends and their boyfriends, and covered for them when they cheated.”
Dude, covering up for cheating friends may make you a good friend, but hardly a good boy.
Maybe your chickens have come home to roost, maybe not.
Be patient, don’t set out to look for love, let love find you.
Oh another thing, calling someone after visiting them to say you arrived home safely, is good manners. You don’t have to wait for them to call you to ask…
??♂️??♂️??♂️
Pink Panther
March 16, 12:52I was waiting for someone to pick apart that “covering up for cheating” part. Lol. Of course, it’d be you. Winch. ?
kristy
March 17, 23:29crispy!
Kvng1862
March 16, 12:33I understand u jay, but trust me there are good men out there also wishing they had someone like u. Bcos someone doesn’t want u or the fact that pple want u to do some things nd u refused doesn’t make u rigid, its just basically who u re, nd pls don’t throw caution to the wind, caution is very important, u don’t want to do something nd regret it for the rest of ur life. I also don’t send nude pix to pple or receive them, if u send i will delete them without chking so u won’t have a leverage on me for sending ur nudes, on grindr, if u ask for my pix, i won’t send, i prefer we talk more nd know each other more, looks matters less. We re all different, what works for ur frnds might not work for u, nd what works for u might not work for ur frnds, don’t be in a hurry to rush into a relationship. Aside the sex part, being single is more fun than u can imagine (only if u know what i mean), enjoy ur time now, work on urself, focus on ur interests/talents, if possible learn a trade, while waiting for the right person, work on urself to also be the right person for him, don’t just wait arnd for some guy. When u re really doing well, i tell u, the right guy will walk in. We re alike jay, i wud really like to know u more.
Black Dynasty
March 16, 15:42Louder! For those at the back.
Rex
March 17, 01:01Kingo! Shoot your shot Biko, nothing do you.
“We are alike….” Nice line
Kvng1862
March 16, 12:41B4 i forget, not all guys like being called, msged or chked on all the time. Not everyone knows how to deal with attention, only matured minds handle attention well, while some find it disturbing or clingy especially if the person doesn’t feel the same way u feel about them. Most of my frnds call me wood nd wonder how i deal with my konji and never allowing it to cloud my mind, i just laff nd tell them the reason why my lotion reduces everyday.
As for me, sex has bin a no go area for new comers, it easily separates shaft from the real deal, nd no matter how much i love u and show u, the moment u start acting funny bcos i love u, u will b surprised at how fast i will discard u nd work towards my healing process. Love is important but my mental health is more important biko.
Legal
March 16, 19:45The irony of the ‘world’ we find ourselves in, although this is not restricted to our community alone. May the gay Lord help us.
Jay
March 16, 21:42Thanks to u all, I learnt today. Sim u are forgiven (that’s if it’s really me)…kvng1862 me too let pink panther do the connection.
Rex
March 17, 00:59Jay chill!!!
You’ll eventually find peace and happiness, don’t be forced to do what you arent built to do. Relax be yourself, if the guys ain’t coming, do something good with your life.
See erh, there is a way you’ll make it in line and na u go d run from advances. Focus on building yourself if it comes fine if it doesn’t come fine too.
Don’t pity yourself bcos you ain’t hitched yet nnam.
I know it’s nerve wrecking but forget you’ll be fine.
Don’t focus your mind on getting hitched build yourself and let life take it’s course inugo?
Denzel
March 19, 22:44Hi,
For a long time, the reality of my lonely life made me very sad and I locked up on meeting my Prince Charming. Then I turned to self pleasuring and hookups but it didn’t change anything.
So today I’m removed sex from the process and I’m just meeting regular folks, I’m still very sexual but That’s not the yardstick to get rid of my loneliness.
So my dear , you’ll find something for you, just be open to meeting new folks and having fun. When you least expect or not even looking your gem will appear.
Btw is this a bottom problem because I find that Tops find it easy in that department.
PS: I’m still searching for Prince Charming.
Blue
March 20, 02:33Hi Jay! It’s your supposed to be writing partner here ?….. I’ll catch u on WhatsApp. Ok I read the story obviously and I knew it had to be jherry, well about relationships my advice is to take a break and focus on more important things like your career and all. Don’t find love (well finding it makes it harder) love will find you trust me B!
Black Coffee
March 20, 03:58Heygawd, ain’t the good ones the loneliest? Well, I’ve sha channeled my energy towards a better me. Perhaps you should do same and expect Prince Charming to show up in due course.
But then, if we all wait for love, who’ll be the one searching for it?
Ah, my Prince Charming must locate me this year o.
*Starts kabashing*
?