BAD-COCK

It was a week to valentines, love was in the air and I was on my way to make love to my lover, Akin. Our relationship had hit a snag in recent weeks, but sex always seemed to rekindle our romance and today I was very horny. I arrived at his house and as he unlocked the gate to usher me into his sister’s three-bedroom flat, I saw the devil’s incarnate walking toward me. It was my worst nightmare in 3D and it was taking daring steps, inching closer to snatch the life out of me. Thankfully Akin opened the gates and I managed to swivel just in time to miss the brightly feathered monster. Phew! That was close – my racing heartbeat confirmed it. Akin and I navigated a short flight of stairs and behold, the ambiance of a nicely-furnished living room was a welcome relief. We stepped into the apartment, and while he went to get me a drink, I popped over to the window to peep at the demon that scared the shit out of me a few moments ago. And there it was, camped innocently at the corridor in front of the gate

Pause.

This might be a good time to point out that I am terrified of birds, CHICKENS being at the top of the list. I don’t know if it’s a phobia or not, but fowls, turkeys, ducks, parrots and basically anything that can fly frightens me to death. Although I’m a big admirer of eagles, any form of physical contact with feathered animals gives me the heebie-jeebies. When I was little, my parents celebrated Christmas the traditional way by slaughtering live chicken at home. Every other night, my father and brother would take turns to torture me by leaving its feathers in my clothes or literally chase me around the house with the live fowl in their hands. I used to sleep with one eye open during the yuletide season because I feared waking up to a hen crouched on my bed. Till this day, I still dread chickens – except of course when they come in contact with hot oil and is sitting pretty on Jollof Rice.

Back in the house, memories of my haunted childhood were coming back thick and fast. However, the fear of this evil bird was no match for my lustful desires. Before Akin came back with my drink, I had stripped down to my briefs. His sister would soon return from work and I wanted to go at least three rounds with him before she did. Today though, all Akin wanted to do was talk. He wanted us to fix our dying relationship but I was more concerned with his man-boobs, which were playing hide and seek with my lustful gaze. He was still trying to communicate when I pounced on him like an animal in heat. I was way too horny to feign interest in the conversation any longer. As expected, he tried to wiggle his way out from beneath me, but I pinned him down while he feebly protested, “Seun, I don’t want to have sex.”

I should have listened to him but Konji is a bastard. His initial gra-gra softened when my fingers found their way into his promised land. I knew him all too well and I exploited all his weak spots to my advantage. In no time, he was moaning with pleasure as he struggled to contain his delight.

Akin and I had a fairly boring and rigid sex routine which was entirely my fault. We always commenced coitus with foreplay and then I would lube him up and penetrate him cowgirl style. We would then proceed to other positions until I came, and thereafter, I would jerk him off. It had been like this for three years and I would have it no other way. This time however, I tried something different – worst mistake ever! I simultaneously worked on his hole and hard-on with both hands while intermittently biting his nipples. I took him to seventh heaven, and in a few moments, he was gasping and shooting streams of semen all over the bed.

Job well done, I reasoned. Now my turn.

I rolled over to obtain condoms from my wallet, when I heard a sarcastic laugh. I turned to face him.

“What is funny?” I quizzed as I made to open the condom.

He held my hands, looked at me sternly and said, “Seun… we are not having sex today.”

I saw the funny side of the dry joke. Surely he was kidding, I had just given him the orgasm of a lifetime; I was going to get laid for sure. He reiterated his stance and this time I could hear the seriousness in his tone. His words reverberated in my ears. Apparently, he was willing to make out but no penetration. This news didn’t sit well with me because I really wanted to fuck, so I quickly re-strategized. Boyfriend of the Year that I was, I tried to talk some sense into him but he wouldn’t budge. He remained adamant that there would be no penetration. I was becoming increasingly frustrated and desperate. I pleaded with him but he refused. I promised heaven and earth yet he didn’t reconsider. I tried to pin him down again, and he got more resilient.

Shit!

I grew very impatient, my desperation was vivid but I was still fucking horny. I begged him for the last time but he rebuffed me. I was animated. I whipped out my dick and in a very arrogant manner, ordered him to suck me off. He chuckled, got up and put on his sweatpants. My mountain-sized ego was deflated and now looked more like a mustard seed. I was incensed. I got up angrily, dick still hard, painstakingly put on my clothes, all this time hoping my antics would force him to reconsider. I was fully dressed now and ready to leave, but deep down, I desperately wanted him to jerk me off at least, but my ego just wouldn’t let me ask nicely.

I pocketed my phone, put the untouched condom in my wallet and stormed out of the house Telemundo style, banging the door behind me loud enough to create the illusion I was gone forever. I waited outside for a few seconds for a reaction, I didn’t get any. With renewed fury, I flew down the stairs like a bison, angry, frustrated and still very horny. I was so focused on how to get back at Akin that I totally forgot that winged Mephistopheles was lying in wait for me. The two-footed winged demon stood up to its full length, startling me to a halt and making my heart skip a beat. I could swear I saw a wry smile etched on its ominous beak. This monster was mocking me. I was furious, but for all my anger, my feet didn’t move an inch.

Fuck!

I know this sounds incredible but it’s true – this was no ordinary cock. It was a cocky cock, one that knew I was afraid of it. It was as terrifying as they come, a fearless cock and in truth, a very ugly one too. It had this brown-ish colour, a pale beak and feathers like a demon. The beast of a chicken didn’t flinch despite my theatrics to scare it off. It was standing in the middle of the corridor and there was no way past it.

Like a confrontation in the Wild West, me and this hatched relative of the devil stood facing one other. It was a true Mexican standoff with each one waiting for the other to make the first move. It was the ultimate battle for dominance between man and our feathered foes. On behalf of humanity, I made the first move. I did the most embarrassing thing known to mankind; I talked to a chicken.

“Shoo!” I cried as I waved my hands dramatically.

It blinked but didn’t oblige.

In the face of fear, I gathered some courage. I took out my slipper, raised it up and took a step closer. Then I took another step and another one and finally, as I braced myself to mount an attack, this fowl flapped its wings and flew towards me so fast that I panicked and ran for my life. I darted back up the stairs and nearly tumbled. I couldn’t make it out alone. I needed help.

I am a proud man. A very proud one. But I humbly dragged myself back to Akin’s apartment. As soon as I knocked, he came out, visibly surprised. I couldn’t bear to look at him; I still had an attitude, but with a straight face, I begged him to come drive the evil chicken away so I could pass.

He wanted to burst into laughter – that much was obvious from the suddenly careful arrangement of his features – but out of respect for my bruised ego, he only limited his reaction to a few scoffs. I followed him downstairs and when we reached the gate, he walked majestically past the chicken, like it wasn’t there and beckoned on me to come. I grinned at him and he chuckled. Then he moved his feet in a very nonchalant Nigerian way, as if to say, “See the small thing this one is afraid of.”

And the chicken scurried off.

The coast was now clear, and I could finally put an end to my misery. I picked up the little left of my pride, raised my head up and confidently walked out of the house without saying a word to my timely saviour.

I wasn’t going to let things slide that easy though. I had a plan. No one messes with me and gets away with it. As soon as I was well clear of the house, I sauntered into the nearest eatery and ordered a plate of Grilled Chicken. I know it’s not the same chicken but I’m sure deep down, they are all the same. I wasn’t going to leave vengeance to the Lord.

Revenge, they say, is a dish best served Hot!

Written by Orobo Hunter