BEHIND THE PURPLE CLOUDS
I narrated this personal experience around May last year to Charlie Boy when I was at his residence in Gwarimpa, Abuja. He is writing a book, and wants to adapt my story. So y’all will be the first to have an insight of what his book will read like.
About this story, when I considered writing it for Kito Diaries, I didn’t know where to start, why I wanted to write it, to relive the past. But I believe that the more I familiarize the past with my present, the less hold it has over me.
My name is not Law, and I am twenty-one years of age. I grew up, knowing full well that I have always had a thing for guys, but I didn’t understand the feeling. I grew up in a strict Catholic home, and after my primary education, I was sent to a Catholic missionary ‘boys only’ school, one with very stern, high standards. When I was in my JSS1, on a Monday morning, six SS2 students were expelled on the account that they were involved in homosexual acts. At this time, I was so righteous I even assisted the school chaplain, as a spy, to nab the defaulting students. I thought homosexual acts were immoral and abnormal. I was naïve. I didn’t know any better.
With the passage of time, when I hit puberty, I started becoming aware of the certain tenderness I had for my fellow boys. It scared me. I was horrified. I told myself I couldn’t be homosexual, I couldn’t be like them. But the yearnings persisted. I was confused and I was convinced I was doomed for hell.
When I confessed my turmoil to my close friend who was in a mixed school, he suggested that the reason for my feelings must be because I was in a single-sex school; he suggested that perhaps I needed to change my environment. So I managed to convince my parents, without divulging much, that I needed to change school and they agreed. I completed my secondary school education in a mixed school. There, I had my first girlfriend, and I was able to establish a good relationship with girls. With the blossoming of this ‘heterosexual’ side of me, I thought, ‘Maybe I’m not gay after all.’
However, no matter how much I tried, I still felt missing in me. Something that called for a fulfillment I wasn’t giving. I had this urge for something else. And finally, I gave in to the urge to explore. My curiosity fanned the flames of my explorations, and my first guy kiss, my first touch of another boy, I felt quite complete. In spite of this, I felt tortured, so sure that I was going to hell. I prayed to God to be cured on several occasions. I had a priest friend, consulted him severally because I thought I was morally sick. How could I want this? How could I desire the touch of my fellow boy? Something had to be wrong.
But however much I prayed, I remained the same. God, it seemed, just couldn’t be bothered with giving me the cure I so desperately wanted.
When I was sixteen, I got admission into the University of Nigeria, Nsukka on September 2009. Without being immodest, I admit I am good looking and vibrant. And so, I was part of the toast of the campus gaybourhood.
At this point, I would like to point out a failing of most African parents, and that is this reluctance to properly educate their children on the issues of sex in that crucial stage when they attain maturity or that stage of puberty when the average teenager’s curiosities are raised and there is this strong push to explore carnalities which could put them at the risk of endangering their lives permanently.
I never had that talk about the birds and the bees with my parents, even though, to be fair, they’d have talked to me about girls, when really, all I needed to know was about boys. And as a child, leaving the stern security of his home to another land, all I wanted was to explore my freedom thoroughly.
In my first and second years at school, I lived recklessly – parties and clubs, sex, drugs (SK freak). It was such an easy life to live, because every dude in town wanted me. I was just simply attractive.
And as well illustrated in KD’s Love And Sex In The City series, I had a clique. We were four very close friends, and we shared everything – sexcapades, love affairs, breakups; and we always had each other’s backs. One of us is named Buchi (real name), popularly known as Ozone. Buchi and I were really tight buddies. Some people often mistook us for brothers; we did everything together, except sex sha. He was the opposite of me, introverted, mostly reserved, said little outside, except when he was indoors with me; then he could really go haywire.
The first LGBT movie I ever saw was the TV series called Skins. It told the story of a group of friends in college. One of them named Maxi was gay. His friends accepted him for who he was, even though he was going through some persecution from the society around them. A particular scene from the series spoke to me, and quieted those persistent, albeit fading recriminations cast on me by that small part of me, the part that existed because of my religious upbringing, who felt betrayed by my lifestyle. The scene was one where a Muslim man tried to comfort Maxi concerning his sexuality. And the man said: “It’s a fucking, stupid, messed-up world. I have got my God; he speaks to me every day. Some things I just can’t work out, I let them be, even if I think they are wrong – because I know one day He will make me understand. I have got that trust, it’s called belief.”
‘Skins’ was the first of the LGBT movies that eventually led me to changing. Then I saw Noah’s Arc, and Philadelphia. After seeing Philadelphia, I had to re-define my life and discontinue my reckless lifestyle. YES! Fucking around is really messed up. Hopping from one bed to another, sampling a plethora of dicks – it may seem like fun, but at the end of the day, ruination is often the result.
And so, as I was still trying to find my footing in the new direction I’d chosen for my life, my friend Buchi was going through a lot of self-persecution. He had such a perfect life – course rep of his class, recipient of two scholarship programmes, very intelligent and God-fearing. It was because of his Christian beliefs that he felt so tortured. He fought his sexuality hard; he would always tell me that the day would come when he would change and God would love him back. I’d always laugh at what I perceived was his ridiculousness.
When we resumed for our third year in March 2012, Buchi told me his family had discovered his sexuality during the holiday; his parents had caught him with some dude naked. He wept on my bed while recounting the ordeal. I did my best to console him. But he remained inconsolable. I mean, he stopped crying eventually. But in the coming weeks, he changed. He became a completely different person, extremely depressed, and said very little during our get-togethers in our clique. I strived to cheer him up, looking for the best way or the most suitable words to bring some cheer out of him. But he remained stubbornly withdrawn. He also told me nothing more about the situation at home.
At some point, his melancholy began to irritate me. I began to hope he would get out of his sorry state already. But he got worse and the depression took another dimension. He took to being a loner, shunning my company and that of our mutual friends. He looked like one whom happiness had deserted. He found no joy in anything any longer.
One afternoon of May, while trekking to my room after classes, he told me he would just kill himself so that his parents could be put out of their misery. I laughed at the absurdity of his remarks. He bristled at my response, and in a show of temper that had being lacking from him in quite a while, he turned on me and lashed out, calling me an insensitive bitch, and saying how I had no idea what he was going through, that I should stop pretending like I cared. His upbraiding stung, and I got mad and walked away in anger, telling him to go and die.
May 31st will forever be one of the saddest days in my life. At about 8am, I got a message from Buchi which read: No one should know the reason for my demise. I’m sorry I couldn’t hold on for that long. Later, dear.”
I was puzzled at the message. I read and re-read the text. I guessed he’d sent it earlier than I received it, because my phone had been off since the previous evening. I tried calling him, but I couldn’t get through.
Several minutes later, news that had been circulating around school for some time finally got to me – news about a student who committed suicide. For a quick terrifying moment, I wondered if it was Buchi, but then I quickly erased the thought from my mind. That Buchi could take his life was incomprehensible to me. He could never, I thought.
Then the pictures then started circulating around the BBM network, and it eventually got to me. The limp body hanging from a noose… It looked an awful lot like Buchi. I could not believe it. I refused to believe it. I stared at the picture and rejected the thought that that dejected figure hanging lifelessly could be my friend. Then, I retrieved the text message he sent me, correlating his words and the picture, my mind coming gradually to a conclusion I just couldn’t accept. Shocked and panicked, and very close to tears, I raced to the spot where the body was hanging. He was still hanging, a shocking spectacle for passersby and students.
And there, I saw him, my friend, limp, lifeless, like a vegetable. I broke down then and cried. I wept like a child, inconsolable and benumbed by the mindless tragedy. The police had not yet come to take his body, and someone then beside me told me his body was found hanging at around 5 or 6 am, and that he had left a suicide note saying: THE CONTROVERSY IS OVER. No one understood the meaning of the note.
But I did. And with the knowledge of the reason for his suicide came crushing guilt. Amidst my tears, I felt burdened with guilt for not being there for him, for not being that friend to comfort him, for not trying hard enough, for not encouraging him well enough, for switching my phone off all through the night. I cursed at myself, and I cursed at the society who contributed to his death, and I cursed at his family for bringing about his depression.
By the time I got back to my room, mutual friends of ours were flocking about in my compound. Several students asking questions that I couldn’t and didn’t want to answer. I simply sat on the floor and stared blankly into space, crying some more until there were no more tears left to spill. When the crowd became unbearable, I excused myself, extricating myself from their midst. I simply wanted to be alone, to get away, to run; where to run to, I did not know. I simply found myself in a bus bound for Port Harcourt.
While in PH, I noticed the news of Buchi’s death had spread like wild fire, and was on almost every blog, including Linda Ikeji’s blog. And what irritated me the most was the fact that it was the picture of his lifeless body hanging from the noose that was circulating all over the cyberspace. I stayed in PH for two good months, holed up in my friend’s house, rarely going out to see anybody. I was also incommunicado with my friends because I was tired of all the questions everyone asked when they called.
In my second week in Port Harcourt, a strange number called me. I refused to pick the call, but after several persistent rings, I answered. The caller was Buchi’s mother. She told me that she knew Buchi and I were best friends, and that Buchi talked about me a lot to his siblings. They had slated his burial for the coming Friday and she wanted me to be present. Throughout her monologue, I remained mute.
And then, she said, “Do you know Buchi was gay?”
Something snapped inside me at that question, something that raved for the alleviation of the guilt I felt, something that sought to make someone else feel as bad as I did. And with a rage-filled voice, I snapped at her, “That is why you killed your own son.” And I cut the call.
She swiftly called back. Again, and again. But I simply stared at my phone until it stopped ringing. And that was the last I heard from her. Finally, I was left to dwell on my grief, on my dejection, on how much I missed my friend, on how angry I was at him for making me go through this, and on my journey to healing.
Written by Law
About author
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109 Comments
Ace
March 05, 05:28Oh my! What a story.
Khristopher B!
March 05, 16:36Sad… actually knew Buchi through Opus DeI, the Uhere study centre in Nsukka and his duties as the Physics and astro class rep. Very poetic, cute, calm and gentle with his afro and glasses. Even saw him the day before he killed himself, we exchanged pleasantries n all as usual… He actually wrote “The Controversy has Ended”… So sad dude and I were planning another trip for a retreat after having a splendid time of inner reflection in the last one.
Khristopher B!
March 05, 17:14ONYEBUCHI’s SUICIDE NOTE;
I know I’ve always been destined for
this,
This path that I’ll go.
The music breathes on me
A suffocating feeling of helplessness,
Bring mellow melodies, bind
clandestine claims
For I am your straggler, Mother
Light,
Bide to me to that respledent region,
Clasp me in waltering iridiscence, but,
let me know
The variegated rumble from your
drum,
Tamborines drone still, Yours? I
tread this path
Solitary. Yet the shores are slippery.
I can stay till dawn if now is midnight.
But I cannot know,
Because they have made my future
So uncertain.
Help me,
Mother Light of Wisdom.
Pete
March 05, 05:40What our people need is re-education about sexuality. Who will do it & will they learn? Farewell, Buchy
Ace
March 05, 05:42God! This story… This story… I am still speechless. Something inside me snapped. A mix of rage and sympathy. So many things are wrong with the world, humans constantly finding something to hate.
jamie
March 05, 05:47Hmm…
KingBey
March 05, 05:49*Dabs at teary eye* So sad right now….
Masked Man
March 05, 05:51Dabbing at my teary eyes.
So touching.
I can almost relate.
I got suicidal too.
Prayed endlessly.
*sad*
Ruby
March 05, 05:58Wow! This is so touching!
Chizzie
March 05, 06:05Notice how Christians only seem to remember Hell when it comes to Homosexuality? but the concept of eternal damnation elludes when it comes to other generic issues like fornication, lying, stealing, suicide etc. I’ve had the hell line thrown at me not just by straight folks that are aware of my sexuality but by some gay guys as well and it is amusing sometimes. Your late friend was conflicted with his sexuality cus much like you, he was convinced he was hell bound, and his parents discovering him didn’t help matters. And yet you’ll think ppl so convinced of the existence of Hell would think twice abt suicide?
my point is, as the story illustrates religion is such a biased concept dt it goes against any form of logical or intellectual reasoning, religion gives ppl a platform to judge others while shielding themselves from judgement. Buchi’s parents despised his lifestyle cus religion told them it was wrong. the same religion and its values didn’t hold precedence when he killed himself apparently. its a sad story and one dt would have been avoided if he and his parents didn’t give a shit abt what d Bible says abt who he was shagging. that’s how I see it.
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 06:07Finally I wholeheartedly agree with you on every point made.
Pete
March 05, 06:30Chizzie, *hug*
Max
March 05, 06:30For once, I totally agree with you @Chizzy… All I felt was anger while reading the story..
Mitch
March 05, 06:39You felt anger, Max. All I felt was pain. Knowing Buchi helped me put my life in focus and I lost him, less than 3 months after we met and just when I was sufficiently drawn out of my shell to tell him about myself. Life is messed up!
JustJames
March 05, 06:49“And yet you’ll think ppl so convinced of the existence of Hell would think twice abt suicide?”
Sometimes hell looks like a better option than the personal hell you’re going through on earth. It’s possible to get so emotionally down that you think “Well since I am going to hell let me just quicken the process instead of staying around and causing the people that I love pain”.
It doesn’t make sense but to the depressed mind it does.
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 06:51True. Very true. Let’s not forget that a soundly reasoning mind is on a whole other healthier realm from a depressed mind. What might seem illogical to someone who is healthy psychologically may seem just the right way to a depressed soul.
Max
March 05, 07:13All true @James & Pinky..
Gad
March 05, 10:10@ Chizzie, its sad how people in trying to run away from one “sin” ends up in another. More saddening is the fact that whether we believe it or not, the truth is that what most people uphold as their belief in God is mostly based on what others told them about God. Religion especially christianity is a personal journey/experience. The solution is that each should independently study and discover God himself,have a personal walk with God which will help him understand the mind of God independent of the noise in the market place.
Khaleesi
March 05, 15:13Wow! Gad, my respect for you just quadrupled. This is such a well-reasoned comment, sadly most Christians prefer to cling to hate and intolerance … Jesus would be repulsed by a lot of the ‘Christianity’ thats bandied about today …
Peak
March 05, 10:22@Mitch, I totally agree with. This story is the most chilling thing I ve ever read here. I could relate to most of it.
@James! Well said! When life gets to u and dish out all kinds of hell, U will always find urself on that “Let’s get it Over with road” it takes a great deal of will power to resist the urge to travel down that road. I’m not gonna lie, I would ve travelled down that road if was in buchi’s situation and his age at the time of this situation (I know this might sound a lil offensive and distasteful, but its my honest truth). I’m not from a religious home, but my kind of hell if faced with this kind of situation at a young age is unimaginable.
I’m more pained than angry right now, I just hope someone finds strengh from this story, strengh to standby each other no matter what. Cos at the end of the day, all we got is each other.
Praying for u Law!
Gad
March 05, 10:43Well said
Max
March 05, 06:26I know that story… Saw the pic too. The rumor was that he killed himself cos of a lecturer. That a lecturer was blocking his progress in his dept and he couldn’t take it anymore.. I knew it was a lie. I knew there had to be more to the story.
I’m gonna say it again, suicide is not the way. You just can’t give up and let the world win. No matter what happens, I’ll NEVER take my own life.
And the bit about Charlie boy, lemme not start with him.
He said he’s not gay and made some homophobic statements late last year..
Said he dresses up the way he does to curtail his hetero side. That he’s a sex freak (for women).. But we didn’t come here to talk about Charlie boi though..
@Law, I don’t have anything good to say to you, so I’m just gonna leave it there.
Max
March 05, 06:33And ummm, for those of us feeling suicidal, KD helpdesk is open…Pinky kindly post the email on every piece here pls..
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 06:43Will do.
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 06:54Max, you don’t get to feel any recrimination for Law. Not everyone is capable of foreseeing such acute depression even in the ones they are close too, especially when you’re young. And for anyone who is not familiar with depression and the darkness of it, it would be hard to comprehend what someone going thru it might be capable of. So, don’t insinuate accusations that he hasn’t already beaten himself up with.
Max
March 05, 07:14Ok..
law
March 05, 08:59Thanks PP
Mitch
March 05, 06:35Oh my God! Buchi was a close friend to my room mate then. I was still in my first year but I was drawn to him like a bee to a flower. Fuck!
We all thought Ozone’s death was something else, never really knowing, constantly guessing………not realizing he was another LGBT case gone wrong.
And Law, the gaybourhood here hasn’t changed one bit. Sometimes, I just wish we all could be more careful.
JustJames
March 05, 06:41I read a sociology textbook’s chapter on suicide. It said more than half the suicide attempts was due to sexual orientation and this was among youths.
Buchi’s story is sad but it should be a lesson not to turn away friends that are going through depressing moments due to their sexuality. It might get frustrating trying to help them but I think a listening and sensitive ear is enough.
One thing I told myself during the whole debacle with mum was that “as long as life there is hope” and I haven’t been proved wrong.
To those of us going through emotional turmoil.. “Some day you’ll look back and all these days and all this pain is going to be invisible.”
sexyhenry
March 05, 06:42Oh my lawd, Buchi, just wished our paths crossed at nsukka before I left, Religion is and will always be against my line of reasoning, we all Love you Buchy
McDuke
March 05, 06:45Geez…OMG!!!….ohhhhh God!!!…but why na???? So this is the real story behind this guy’s suicide….God but why???? I remember vividly about the incident….just some minutes before 6am, my lodge mate screamed from his room that a male student has committed suicide at hockey pitch just beside Franco pitch….people said a lot of things with many attributing it to witchcraft and evil manipulations little did they know that he was pushed to take his life by the people he probably treasured most in this life (his family). He had such a bright future, with a CGPA above 4.5, had two scholarships, he was even very active in NFCS where he even served as an exco once… yet no one knew the battle he was fighting….the memory most people had of him in school then was the dude that took his life for no reason. Some even caused for throwing away his wonderful life…if only they knew, if only I knew then….but why??? I feel so terrible now, so this is the real story…if only I knew??? This is so sad…if only the society knew the battle we gays are battling in our everyday life…and yet our miserable senate still had to pass their stupid anti-gay law. This is so so sad…
Mitch
March 05, 06:52Don’t even get me started on that mass of aged, disgusting, man-pussy-hunting vultures called senators. They all want some action on the DL yet were quick to make such a stupid and senseless law. Bunch of glorified hooligans
Gad
March 05, 10:24The family knew why he died. From Buchi,s actions the suicide was planned before he resumed back at school. He kept a diary @ home. Apparently, he wanted only his family and not the public to know the real cause of his death. He also was also contacted his Mum after Law.
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 10:26And you know all this because of your close relationship to both deceased and family?
Gad
March 05, 10:47You want another story? Not from me
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 10:52Then kindly refrain from making claims you can’t substantiate. I’d think a man who claims to be properly advanced such as you would know better than to peddle half baked presumptions.
Gad
March 05, 13:52Though I couldn’t see anything in my submission that suggests I was presuming, I will deliberately not join issues with you or any body on this. To me,this is a delicate issue as it bothers on respecting the last wishes of the dead. However, I will only appeal to your conscience and that of all in your school of thought to put themselves in the shoes of the dead as regards this issue.
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 13:53The dead is gone.
The living is here.
Be decent in your assertions as you tout yourself to be, that’s all I’m saying.
keredim69
March 05, 11:31well said P
trystham
March 05, 07:14Looking to the bright side, if that mother had any iota of sense, we just got a strong supporter. notLaw, I do hope you went for his funeral.
I remember now questioning the reason(s) why a boy his age would suicide. I guess here is my answer.
I still sense a lot of unspoken hate for the institutions of religion and culture but Sharing this is enough indication that you have moved on,not to forget him, but for your own healing and well being. Remain true to yourself bro
Gad
March 05, 08:59From the opinion I have formed on the writer of this story,i can bet my life that he didn’t attend the funeral. His understanding of friendship is very different from mine.
Pete
March 05, 10:00I don’t like attending funerals. Law’s no-show(yet to be verified ) doesn’t show the type of friend he’s.
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 10:19Well said, Pete.
trystham
March 05, 13:59Uhm…his absence at his friend’s funeral is not an important mark of friendship sir. It cud av been more denial. Me I actually hoped he wud av attended in defiance of all that Buchi’s mom ‘thought’ she stood for.
#TeamKizito
March 05, 07:37Suicide is never an option.
He’s dead now. Who lost?
To me, suicide is stupidity. Not to over-flog the matter; suicide is NEVER meant to be an option.
He’s not our martyr.
Gad
March 05, 10:28Suicide is actually cowardice but when one gave hints of possibility of suicide before it happens the burden of failure should rest firmly on people around him
fabby
March 05, 08:03dabs teary eyes…. Wat a world…I just dnt blame him…. Sometyms pressures from parents can make someone think of suicide… May God have mercy on him….
mirage
March 05, 08:04*sighs*sometimes I praise peeps who have developed tough skins, I remember several times I prayed, fasted and wanted to change.I cut out friends,even cut out PP, later I got to know this was me,just this connection you suddenly loose on the guilt within.One day the answers to all our questions would come,is being gay a sin?is it a genetic disorder?maybe just maybe one day we would know.@Law cheer up bro,buchi lives on in your heart and your story;seen skins too…then came a day osama blew them away,osama blew them away*singing*
Gad
March 05, 09:11Being gay is not a sin. I said something about this sometimes and Max and PP made jest of it. I will soon send an article on why Christians think it’s a sin. I would have sent the article before now but the guy that typed it made some errors that I have to correct before sending to the editor in chief.
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 09:40Lol. OK. I’m waiting.
silentphanom
March 05, 08:05Without sounding insensitive, no real names should really be a mantra when talking about real life events. A quick google search pulled up a lot and a deeper one would yield even more. You might inadvertently out yourself with a single post(except that was the idea) . That being said, I think everyone should do everyone they know a solid and learn about depression. It is ironic, a lot of people are depressed and don’t even know it yet think it is some esoteric thing that only happens to weaklings. Wikipedia is still pretty free, a whole lot can be accomplished in 15 minutes. If America records 31% depressions among LGBTQ youth , we can’t be that far behind (I suspect we are ahead, at least they have freedoms).
P. S. Names Mark, this would be my first post…
Gad
March 05, 09:13Welcome dear. We wish to see more of you
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 08:06For a straight guy consoling a gay guy, your friend is a gift.
Gad
March 05, 09:07Suicide is NOT and will NEVER be escape. To put it mildly it is the embodiment of failure
hisroyalsexiness
March 05, 15:35Stop being a bigot and be reasonable for once!!!
Sinnex
March 05, 09:36What a sad story.
Gad
March 05, 09:37“No one should know the reasons for my demise…”. From your story, this was your friend,s last wish. He kept it with you because he trusted you to respect it. Obviously he thought you were a friend. Yes, your story has unraveled some mysteries(though I have always known why that boy died) but do you think this betrayal is worth the service your story is doing amongs us? What’s the motive behind the use of his real names? Why didn’t you use your real names to for equity sake? I guess you think he is now worthless since he has gone back to dust. We all should always put our selves in the shoes of others. Admin, I have no doubt about your ingenuity but you failed here. You would have re-shaped this story before posting it. I’m sorry but I don’t like this one bit.its far from fair. That said, parents are always guilty of driving their children into danger by failing to do some very simple things…being friends to their children. If we encourage our children to be free enough to share their deepest secrets and most dreaded fears with us, some ugly incidents won’t take place. Children on the other hand should be more trustful of their parents. “Is that why you killed your son”? That statement was the height of insensitivity carried out on a grieving mother. It was disrespectful and wicked. You didn’t tell us that the woman did this or that after finding out about her son. I feel very very sad about this
Law
March 05, 13:41Yes Gad, am guilty much, but u dnt av an iota of idea of what I went through after my bbf”s suicide…. U really don’t know, I was picked up by the police on four occasions, and during my stay in PH, I contemplated suicide several times, to end my misery. Will I say it was God, There are so many things, I didn’t reveal in this write-up, cus I cud write a novel about it. That said, keeping to my friend’s last wish…. I did so for two good years, and I never shared the cause of the suicide to anyone even when thee police pressured me, I simply told them I do not know, But anywhere Ozone is right now, am sure he wud want me to share his story…. and sharing this story wasn’t easy because it brought back so much pain.
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 13:56Law, don’t feel like you have to defend yourself to any detractors here. The pain and story are yours. All anyone here has is secondhand knowledge. If you’ve made your peace with the past, then there’s that.
Gad
March 05, 14:33I’m sorry about what you went through. I have traveled that road though on a different pedestal. My best friend,the best man @ my wedding was “killed” by his elder siblings with the active connivance of their father. They came crying to us, we knew they were the “killers” yet we consoled them in their grief. The only way we fought them was to make sure that his properties where left for his widow and kids. By God’s grace this is a lesson. You will leave many more years. Who knows, Buchi,s death might just be a lifeline for many tomorrow. I’m sorry if I was too hard but that remains my honest response to this.
Gad
March 05, 10:37@ Jalice, please let’s note that this story only told us that his family caught him pants down with another guy. It didn’t tell us what they did or didn’t do. Buchi might have been driven to suicide by the feeling that he has failed his parents. We were not told. It will be wrong to conclude and like Law, accuse the family for their son,s death. It could be either way
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 10:38Yes. It would be wrong to throw accusations here and there, dumping blame here and there.
You know, much like you’ve been determined to subtly lay at the feet of the writer.
Gad
March 05, 13:39What I did was a forceful and direct rebuke of the writer. Its not a subtle laying of accusations. It was also not speculative.im surprised that you couldn’t see the betrayal of trust and compromising of identity that this post carries.
tobby
March 05, 11:09You blamed the mother for killing her own son?, but you were just as guilty..
I don’t think you had any moral justification to judge her..
Nero
March 05, 11:33Buchi was actually my senior in secondary school (two classes ahead me). We had a history. Reading this story I was seriously crying. Because this is somewhat similar to what am going through right now in my life, the depression! When the society and family create this perfect picture that you can’t just fill in. Am not that guy they want me to be, but why can’t I be? Am strong, am trying just that I can’t take my life for anyone. Am not living for anyone, you know.
kendigin
March 05, 12:32It is hard, but if you stay strong you will overcome your challenges.
Most times its not just what other people want from us that way us down, its the unrealistic goals we give ourselves too. My point is, you must first try to accept yourself before anyone else will. Stop trying to be who other people expect you to be, rather accept yourself and work on loving the real you.
I know this is easier said than done, but you have to keep on trying.
The truth is that your parents will love you no matter what.
Gad
March 05, 14:02If you remain true to life’s course. If you remain conscious on the track of your set positive goals, one day, very soon, you will wear the crown. If you quit by ending your life you will be the loser.remain strong
mirage
March 05, 20:32come here dear, we all here don’t feel alone. Suicide is not even an option.
Peak
March 05, 12:03Are we Playing the Blame game? Really? After reading something like this? You people kill me!
I’m sure almost everyone on KD would be behind bars if we are to jail ppl for everytime they lash out @ other commenters, and their usage of insensitive terms. He was in agonising emotional pain and lashed out at the very 1st person who he felt was responsible after weeks of beating himself up endlessly for not being there!
Can’t we just take the good and leave out the ugly 4 another time? This is sad enough a story, let’s not do the “he/she is to blame game” to make it worse
The moral of this story is suppose to be , Tolerance, Suicide is not the way out, Being Strong, And Being a better friend!
@ Gad I see ur point sir, but I’d like to block ur reason out right now by taking solace in that fact that someone somewhere is reading this and drawing strenght and learning from this! That’s the foundation KD is built on, so allow some of “us” to live in that “Truth”.
@ Law, thanks 4 sharing!
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 13:09Peak, I could kiss u right now.
Paul
March 05, 14:10@Peak again U prove y u r most favourite commenter on ds forum.
Its nt a blame sharing time @ all.
I’m still weak from ds story.
Somehow I tink its a little honour to his memory if the real truth behind y he took his wonderful life.
I do get Gad’s perspective as he speaks from the standpoint of a parent.
Bt its still sad that the family havnt learnt a lesson-dey still deny his true personality in death and dey try to keep d story very secret maybe bcos of d same societal stigma. D same reason our dear Buchi lost his life.
Its a sad story. I do not c any hope for homophobia or any ounce of acceptance in d nearest future.
May God’s Grace see us tru it all.
mirage
March 05, 20:37my bro please help me as gad oh cos law did a very good thing by sharing this, suicide is never a way out, if you feel lonely, reach out to someone. I would listen and guess pp would do same @ law heaven bless you!
Gad
March 05, 14:14I’m not and will never be against enlightenment especially amongs “sexual outlaws” like us. Thanks for your understanding but if this story has come to us as fiction and the identity of the victim is protected,i will be singing the writers praise all day.
JustJames
March 05, 23:23If this was was fiction it It wouldn’t have as much impact as a true life story me thinks.
Gad
March 05, 23:56The later is your opinion and the former mine. We all have one thing in common @ the end of the day…the right to our different opinions.
kendigin
March 05, 12:35I don’t think its fair to blame the mother. She is also a victim of society and religion.
No mother ever wants to lose a child. When push comes to shove mothers will usually sacrifice themselves to save there children.
My heart goes out to the family though, and to all those who have and are still suffering from depression
Mikky
March 05, 13:50@ I Gad. I strongly concur to your judgment in this story. I vividly remember in my final year on a Wednesday morning I came for my club’s morning training. we saw people gathered at the cricket pitch close to our training pitch. All I could hear was THE CONTROVERSY HAS ENDED. That marked the end of our training session. Several rumours and versions about his death filled the air. But as I told my friend then that this has to do with his lifestyle. But the point I want to make is this. Firstly, parents discovering their son’s sexuality should not make them despise him. Rather devise a means to bring out the change they desire from him. Secondly, suicide is not and can never be an option. We must stand firm and fight for our feelings. Thirdly, @Law, you are never a true friend. Is it because he is gone that’s why you let the cat out of the bag?
@Gad, can’t wait to see your article posted for all to see cos I love the piece.
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 13:54You love the piece you haven’t read? Interesting.
Gad
March 05, 14:36Thanks. Very soon with the approval of our Editor- in chief
Ace
March 05, 14:10In other totally unrelated news, I just heard the dumbest thing in all my life today. My educated medical doctor aunt just said she never buys female toys for her daughter because… wait for it… SHE DOESN’T WANT HER SON TO GAIN ACCESS TO THE TOYS AND BECOME GAY! This is a medical doctor o with many years living in the US. I am so saddened and have pulled her down the pedestal I placed her in my mind. I guess location doesn’t change ignorance.
pinkpanthertb
March 05, 14:16Lmao.
Yes. Its that easy. Female toys are instigators of gay genes.
Ace
March 05, 14:40I tire o.
Khaleesi
March 05, 15:38@1st i thought this was a work of fiction. This is soo sooll sad and heartbreaking, a young promising life taken away due to intolerance and ***spits profusely***a cherry picked hypocritic religion… its so sad!! And guys, feeling suicidal isn’t weird, it’s a very real feeling. Hell, i have several times in my life contemplated suicide. The thought still crosses my mind everyday but so far i remain strong … thanks so much Law for sharing … if just one young person can be rescued from tbe brink of suicidal depression,then this piece is very well worth it. Like i will continue to advocate, this id a homophobic land with homophobia deeply ingrained in their psyche and culture. There are lots of bright tolerant spots on God’s green earth, read the handwriting on the wall and if u find you wont be able to cope here, find some other more tolerant spot and flee – the earlier the better ….
keredim69
March 05, 15:43I made a brief comment earlier backing Pinkie on a rebuttal he made to one of @Gad’s earlier comments. I should have read the piece in more detail earlier but i was in a hurry. I wish I could physically remove the comment, but @Gad you are absolutely right with your assertions.
My comments below are purely based on the story that was published without knowledge of what “might have happened behind the scenes”. We can only comment on has been revealed.
The story is tragic and suicide is not the answer. We all not all strong and we deal with pressure and disappointment in different ways. There was a support system of sorts for the deceased, but he couldn’t fully utilise it. @Law was there for him and he tried his best under the circumstances.
@Law I appreciate that you are grieving for your best friend and you probably feel guilty about not helping him enough and the last exchange of words between you both. But do you not think the family have suffered enough? Why the reason for this article or the need to use real names?
You mentioned that someone was going to write a book or something about it (probably fictional), but you preempted it by “leaking” it on here. Then to say, this is what the deceased would have wanted….well that sounds a bit self serving to me and nullifies any good intentions you might have had both now and in the past.
I think you should have accepted the his mother’s invitation the funeral and delivered the eulogy as she had requested….You missed an opportunity to tell the family what a good person (regardless of his sexuality) the deceased really was. You could have received some amount of closure and shown his family especially the Mother that being gay does not entirely define people, its just a part of who they are.
I know my comments will not be entirely popular, but I stand by Gad. Publishing this story was a bit distasteful.
MacArdry
March 06, 11:21You aren’t the only one.
So much for self-serving friends
A-non
March 05, 17:12Reading this story brought with it the rush of a million emotions and a fresh bout of depression.
Buchi’s story could have been mine. I started with wrist slitting…over 80 cuts and several suicide attempts that I was either too afraid to execute to the letter or saved by a friend. Started hearing voices at some point, thankfully my family heard about it before I got to tipping point, evacuated me from school and arranged for a psychiatrist and later on a clinical psychologist to begin mental interventions. I lived on anti depressants for about two years just to stabilise me.
Depression is deadlier than AIDS and cancer and is swifter in moving from one stage to the other if left unchecked.
My heart goes out to Law but especially Buchi. What would he be like if he were alive? Would having a confidant have helped? What would he have been in the next ten years?
Questions which will never be answered…a story untold.
posh666
March 05, 18:24Really sad story.imagine a 4pointer just killed himself just like that!wat a loss.suicide in my religion is straight ticket to hell am muslim.but i guess we are different and stronger than each other.my own younger brother outed me to my mum due to blood rivalry my mum never told me infact i accidentally heard her giving him a strong warning never to say such about me again his reasons for doing this 1st at d age of 20 his still in secondary skul,into drugs,steals,and his also into gayism for money to buy drugs which he knows i knows but never ever told my parents he outed me so my mum will stop seeing me as the perfect child.fortunately or unfortunately my mum caught me or almost did i can never forget that day she was so mad at me but eventually she got over it dou she always advises me to be careful.i still never told her about my younger broda and she never ever told my other siblings or dad about me till he died from high bp due to my brothers evil ways.and am still alive it was a really dark period but islam forbids suicide,i luv life too much,just taking life one step at a time dou islam also says gays should be stoned to death.sighs this life though!
DeadlyDarius
March 05, 22:19A heart-breaking story. Just as much as seeing some commenters here opine that ‘suicide is never the answer’ and ‘suicide is cowardice’….I hope they never get full blown depression (a very real mental illness) and reach such emotional troughs
*sighs in sadness*
Gad
March 05, 23:52If in your sub consciousneSs you regard suicide as failure,cowardice or something worse,your battle is half won because you won’t consider suicide an option even when your depression is over full but if you keep on regarding it as a likely way out then the possibility of embracing suicide one day as a way of out is high. The choice is yours
DeadlyDarius
March 06, 06:00Yeah again with the ‘choice’….I guessed u missed the mental illness part of my statement
*watching the Ben Carson ‘being gay is a choice’ interview*
pinkpanthertb
March 06, 06:11LOL.
Gad
March 06, 06:57Any sick person has a duty to himself no matter the type of ailment. A duty to stay alive. Its a choice. One can still give in to death through self pity. Choices
keredim69
March 06, 01:28Thanks for that
wazzosgrotto
March 06, 07:39Not everyone is as strong as some to live in a place that vilifies your very existence. Sometimes death is the only form of release.
Nigeria is sitting on an LGBT time bomb. Just think for a second. Let’s just say hypothetically that LGBT people make up 1 percent of the population. A very conservative number. Now with Nigeria population officially being 175 million (which is more close to 200 million) this would mean approx 1.7 million people fall within the LGBT category. I could be wrong but that is a lot of people who will be going through some serious psychological pain and confusion.
Let’s keep enlightening our brothers and sisters and hopefully one day there will be no more sad tales like this.
W.
Gad
March 06, 07:54“Sometimes death is a form of relief”. Are you by any means endorsing suicide?
wazzosgrotto
March 06, 08:05I’m not endorsing it. I’m simply saying that we should be empathetic to those who choose to take their own lives. After all, it’s their choice. Not ours.
Gad
March 06, 08:33Hmmm. That’s scary. I think we owe them a duty of love by helping them look at things from other angles. You don’t subtly encourage suicide hiding under the excuse of freedom of choice. Maybe you can but I WON,T.
wazzosgrotto
March 06, 08:49And what if they don’t want to look at the prism you present to them? Neither myself or the president can force someone to live on when they have made the mental decision to take their lives. As you sit where you are, hundreds of people are ending their existence to escape the hardships they face in life. Some manage to pull through others don’t. All we can do is to encourage them not to go down that road but if they do we should be able to respect their decision no matter how much we disagree with their choice.
Gad
March 06, 09:25Ok
pinkpanthertb
March 06, 09:31Hallelujah! Finally! A cease fire! 🙂
MacArdry
March 06, 11:31Pray you don’t ever have someone close to you take their own life.Suicide is not and can never be a right choice,especially when all other avenues for resolving one’s inner battles are yet to be explored.
I resolved yesterday not to comment on this story,but the more I come across it and some comments here based on incomplete information/outright disinformation by a self-serving twit trying to come out of the whole stite smelling of roses,the madder I got.What the hell was that about a mother killing her own son?.A mother who had made her own peace about her son’s sexuality,tho hard it was for her?
wazzosgrotto
March 06, 12:54Too right MacArdy. Let’s just try and be more caring and supportive to our friends or people in such dark moods. #Teamhuman
wazzosgrotto
March 06, 08:07p.s I said sometimes death is the only form of “release” not “relief” 🙂
wazzosgrotto
March 06, 14:05LoL @Pinkpanthertb Nothing but love here. Say no to war!
Oluwadamilare Okoro
March 06, 17:06Wow. This is soooooo sad!
Sorry about this and RIP to your friend.
But pause. How come I never had all these depressing moments or prayed my sexuality away or felt guilty for being me.
Though I did not acknowledge my sexuality for a long time till I graduated and started working… I always knew it was there and all my “research” with girls just made me SURE I was into boiz (whether I can get IT up for girls or not)
But I guess everyone is different and we are composed of different emotions… I just hope we can all accept ourselves sooner and be strong no matter what! Please let us all be advocates of self acceptance to every LGBT person that we know.
I hardly talk much and I don’t know why this particular story got to me this much; it is just SAD and I pray it stops.
Jeova Sanctus Unus
March 07, 10:34A sick person owes it to himself/herself to keep alive?? Very wicked of those ‘finalists’ cancer patients to opt out. Can we end with he condescension.
Death is and will always be beautiful. There is no pain in death. It is the end of every pain. The same way a cancer patient opts out of the pain, is the same way a depressed person feels.
Blaming a suicide victim is we making fools out of ourselves. We didn’t blame Kamikaze pilots. We don’t blame soldiers. Christians don’t blame Jesus (according to the story, he put himself up to be killed). The only problem with suicide the sense of defeat for letting the world win. Instead of blaming the victims, what we should do is see those as our collective failures and reach out more to ourselves. With every suicide victim, the society fails itself.
@Law: You didn’t say you didn’t attend the funeral. You Did say you haven’t heard from Buchi’s mum (maybe you attened but didn’t make your presence known). The mum failed. You failed. I failed. We failed. Even Buchi failed (to stay alive and inspire other people with his story). But, you’ve grieved enough. Reach out to the mum (maybe apologize for your conduct). Share with the family happy stories of Buchi. Of the good things he thought about/of each of them. Of the Times you had with him. Let them know being gay was just one part of him. Do let them know how troubled he was about it. How his beliefs betrayed him. How he felt after their discovery. All of you should share the good And bad memories of Buchi together. You all would come out the better. Maybe in you they would see Buchi. Maybe in that they would find peace. Maybe with that they’d finally understand. And maybe with that understanding, they would reach out to fellow parents. And with that you will have changed the world, a dozen people at a time. Buchi is just one out of many, but in every one many can be saved.
**Gad, if you feel the writer betrayed his friend’s trust by sharing his story, then I fear the family also did same by making you privy of the situation. Buchi would have wanted a better world and this is his friend doing it. This s how it begins. He may not be the perfect martyr, but he’s a martyr nonetheless.
#My2Kobo
pinkpanthertb
March 07, 11:27Ohmygod!!!! A million loves for this comment.
Gad
March 07, 12:00Like Pinky would say, we have moved on from this post. Don’t be left behind. Anyway, that’s on a lighter note. One can’t afford to ignore you seeing that you raised very grave issues that will thrive if not clarified. For the avoidance of doubt,no one who spoke against suicide has condemned those who committed suicide. If I’m correct, all we have tried to do is to deter intending suiciders by pointing out the ills in taking ones life. I hope you are not a fan of the first lady who said and I quote “I’d rather commit suicide than be a suicide bomber”. Lol. Death is a gate way to life. Yes, but if the death of saints pains God, I wonder why the death of a 21 years old will be beautiful to you. Wait a minute, don’t you like beautiful things? What are you waiting for? Death can be beautiful after a well spent long life with glowing achievements to one’s name and for the benefit of posterity. As for the advice you gave to Law to do what he ought to have done years ago,he is at liberty to do as he likes but I feel it’s not kind to re-open old wounds that has only healed on the surface.
s_sensei
March 07, 12:53Best comment came last. You said it all!