BOTTOMS UP
Ever since Ode To Lesbianism was penned by Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, I found myself deeply thinking about the possibility of two Bottoms being in a relationship. A monogamous relationship. I asked a colleague, my very few friends and an acquaintance. I got mostly vehement NOs and three YESs.
Then I proceeded to ask myself why Bottoms cringe at the thought of being intimate with or dating another Bottom even when there’s chemistry or a connection.
Some cringe because they feel or think or understand that being on the receiving end of a dick equals femininity; which I absolutely find absurd, because there are buff, muscle-toned guys who take dick.
I think it boils down to the attitude you’re stepping into the relationship with.
One of the advantages of being gay is we aren’t bound by rigid, stereotyped roles. Since we don’t have a template for how our relationships should be structured, like our heterosexual counterparts do, we have the freedom and flexibility to create and tailor our relationships according to our own wishes, preferences and talents.
What’s concerning is we seem to be dichotomizing our relationships and sexual roles through myopic lens that not only limits our potential, but also limits the available dating pool.
Think about it this way:
Gay individuals reportedly represent 20 percent of the overall population. We men share this percentage with lesbians, so that percentage of available dating prospects now reduces. Now consider when we screen potential dating partners for their compatibility with us, there are additional preferences we consider. There are those men who are out versus closeted, comfortable with their sexuality versus not, HIV positive or affirmative for other STIs versus negative, those who favour monogamy versus those who desire open relationships and masculine versus feminine guys. Then because of our stigmatized identities, gay men have higher rates of mental illness and addiction.
Then there are those men who are bisexual, married and those who are Tops versus Bottoms. Then we have stereotyped meanings of what it means to be a Top (aggressive) versus a Bottom (submissive).
These are all factors we take into consideration when streamlining dating prospects (if they’d make a good match). And with every dichotomy we add to the mix, the more the available dating pool begins to shrink.
It’s already challenging to find a quality partner, not to mention how this kind of segregation can cause us to treat each other harshly and with judgment, separating each other into categories of good and bad, when – I believe – we should be more supportive and affirming of the members within our own community.
What I’m trying to get at with my soapbox here is: while it’s very important to have personal requirements for selecting your ideal mate, we also have to be careful about imposing an abundance of restrictions with which we’re willing to date, if we are to increase our odds of finding a quality partner.
The salience with which each of these values represent will vary from person to person, but I encourage you to explore the probability of this pursuit of perfection limiting your dating life and creating boundaries of which you may be robbing yourself of possibilities.
We should never violate our value systems. However, at the same time, I think we as a gay community sometimes shut doors on the possibility of true intimacy because of standards we apply that become roadblocks to the very thing we desire the most.
When it comes to Bottom-Bottom relationship pairings (or Top-Top pairings, for that matter), it’s important to remember we are not defined by what we do sexually, and that a relationship is more than just what we do in the bedroom (or kitchen or in the shower!)
Explore the extent to which either of you would be willing to go versatile. Some compromises may need to be made to meet each other’s sexual needs, and you may actually find versatility enhances your relationship.
I believe since both partners are receptive to penetration, I find Bottom-Bottom pairings more flexible with these issues than Top-Top pairings, who tend to be more resistant and have more boundaries with what they’re willing to do with their bodies sexually.
If you resist the idea of topping your partner from time to time, explore what it is about this sexual activity that is causing you to set this boundary, as there may be a psychological block you could work through and lift. You need to decide how much a sexual position plays in your personal requirements.
Additionally, there is a variety of sex toys (dildos, vibrators, etc.) that could be integrated into your sex play that could help fill the void (so to speak) of a penetrating partner, and you could both explore creative methods of spicing things up in the bedroom (or the backseat of a car).
Ultimately, you will need to decide how much of a role sexual position plays in your personal requirements for long-term happiness in a relationship.
Is not being with a partner who will top you a deal-breaker, or are you willing to compromise on this? If not, this type of pairing may not be for you. If you have found a partner who is perfect for you in every way, except for the fact that he won’t penetrate you and these other ideas don’t appeal to you, could you walk away from him without regrets and return to the dating jungle in the hopes of finding someone who will without a guarantee?
That is the ultimate question for you to contemplate.
Written by Vhar
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56 Comments
OMG!!!It's YOU
June 25, 05:47Even wif this 9c epistle, I can’t date a bottom like me (Tufiakwa)!Ah call dat “L” in “G” (Lebianism in Gayism). It’s a “NO” (in capitals) 4 me too!
pinkpanthertb
June 25, 05:50Exactly why, pray tell.
trystham
June 25, 06:57Ace has answered. There’s no psychological block that can be worked around. Its just not possible to imagine it. If the other dude were like me, prefers taking but loathes giving, when will cheating not enter the eqn???
Vhar, I think sex toys shud come with a caveat- “Can NEVER be substitute for real Ds or Pussies”
Masked Man
June 25, 05:58I met someone, a time ago, and we liked each other. But we started growing apart the moment we found out that we were both tops. I exactly don’t know why. It’s crazy, but no one wanted to lose guard. Trust me, sex was really really awkward. That’s where I think issues started rising from.
Jamie
June 25, 06:04I don’t find a problem with B2 relationships anyway… Depends on the character of the person…
pete
June 25, 06:11De chacun selon ses facultés, à chacun selon ses besoins ( From each according to his ability, to each according to his need)
Max
June 25, 06:13@Peak, I discussed this with you not too long ago.
We’re just 10% of the population.
Then divided into tops and bottoms
Then hoes and non hoes
Closeted(to themselves) and those who are out to themselves
Then the psychos(internalized homophobia) and those without..
Then the conformists (who wanna marry a pussy) and those who’d rather not/stay single/marry a man
Then the macho bottoms and effeminate bottoms
Macho tops and not so macho tops
Then the versatiles.
Then take the #Ugly and #Cute into the equation and you’ll see more reason not to wanna date anyone.
All these boxes we’ve created, makes most of us undatable. Only one in 10 gay people you meet will get @least 80% of your desired choice. And gay people are 10% of the general population. Do the math.
It means only 0.1% of the population is datable.. Unlike straight people who have 80% market share to tap into.
And yet you wonder why many are hoes… Hopping from one d to another. Good men are hard to Find.. Especially when our definition of “good” has been obscured.
pinkpanthertb
June 25, 06:15Lol. Max, this hoe issue sure does stick into you like a craw, doesn’t it?
Max
June 25, 06:24Yes it does honey, yes it does. Everyone can like to argue it, but its part of what they check before they decide to date anyone.
Max
June 25, 06:23*1%
pete
June 25, 06:39Max,another error. not all who marry a pussy(your words) are conformists. what’s the difference between what you’re doing; trying to whip all gays into your idea of how they should live with what homophobes do?
the question you asked the other day if those of us who plans to marry will let our prospective wife know of our sexuality was answered yesterday.
Max
June 25, 12:59Conformists are people who do things that are mainstream, for example- using a smartphone, spreading your clothes outdoors instead of indoors, making love on the bed instead of the floor… Etc I’m not trying to whip everyone to buy into my idea, I don’t think I have that power. And about your last paragraph, you’re just a person.. There’s only one of you among thousands…
Ace
June 25, 06:26First, please throw me in the middle of two tops! where is that happening? I was made to believe by some certain folks on this blog that Tops are a scarce commodity, bottoms are easy to find and vers guys (like myself) are just bottoms in denial. So, I ask again, please throw me in the middle of two tops and lets cause havoc and sleepless nights to the neighbors downstairs.
Two, it is just a preference. No matter how we may try to write wonderful articles to make gay guys believe bottom-bottom relationships are possible, no one would want that ( at least to the best of my knowledge). I just pictured being topped by some of my bottom friends as I read this and I nearly puked. My decision to want a Top guy is not based on some form of hate or “psychological block” it is simply because that is my preference. The same way a gay guy in my school makes it clear that he can never date a black guy cos he is not attracted to them. Does that make him a racist? Well, many guys here made it clear that they are not for pale skin, so I guess it is not racism. It is preference honey and it is not bad to have a mental picture of the kind of guy you desire ( as I desire David McIntosh in my life).
Max
June 25, 06:41“I just pictured being topped by some of my bottom friends as I read this and I nearly puked.”
Its psychological honey. You would’ve been more receptive/positive about the idea if you didn’t know they preferred to take the D.
Just the same way you’re not attracted to your siblings.. Its all psychological.
Ace
June 25, 06:46I guess you are right. I didn’t see it in that sense but a nice article like this one may do little to change that psychology sha. Can’t we all be one happy family that accepts whatever roles we play and stop making it a big deal? Oh well, I guess all this drama makes the community “gay” in the literary sense.
OMG!!!It's YOU
June 25, 06:51I could hug U!
ronniephoenix
June 25, 07:27i am trans, but biologically male, so i guess i can make a comment.
i can refer to myself as bottom (in the male sense) and i see no reason why i cant get down with a bottom guy,i am a lesbian as i am gay. (totally have no idea what my sexual orientation should be)
Lanre S
June 25, 08:45Ronnie you need to school us more often. I live for the understanding of the diversities of genders & sexualities (20 at last count …)
Gad
June 25, 10:09Confusion don get accident…
ronniephoenix
June 25, 10:32i feel it is weird, but i am not bisexual, just gay and lesbian.
but i feel it is more than that. anyway i do not conform to any gender or sexuality.
pete
June 25, 10:41Ronnie, you said you don’t subscribe to any gender nor sexuality? you are biologically male but feel you’re in a wrong body,right? if given the opportunity, will you undergo gender reassignment surgery?
ronniephoenix
June 25, 10:38I haven’t tried to experiment any of my fantasies because of the trauma i am going through, but it is something you just know
ronniephoenix
June 25, 10:45I feel i would, but quite frankly i do not know
ruby
June 25, 07:48Words of Wisdom
pete
June 25, 07:49Ronnie, I have been doing lots of readings about transgenders. hope you won’t mind if I ask you questions from time to time?
ronniephoenix
June 25, 07:55always open
Lanre S
June 25, 08:48…,pun intended ?
ronniephoenix
June 25, 10:33@lanre s no pun intended
Absalom
June 25, 08:11Bottoming is not a mere “preference”. Roles are not (always) this tray of candies where everybody just picks a flavour. At least not for me. It’s about how I see myself with another man. It’s a special feeling on the inside, a personality-type, who knows…*sigh* Some of una no go understand. (Ask Caitlyn Jenner and Rachel Dolezal maybe?)
Strict Tops tend to like a man they can “dominate” in bed Strict Bottoms tend to like a man they can “submit” to in bed. It’s a kind of kink on its own. There are Tops who can/do take dick but that’s not what drives them crazy. My ex is Versatile and he used to bottom for me back in the day, a lot, but I hated every second of it. It wasn’t fulfilling. I felt like I was being cast in a role that didn’t fit. That’s not how I want to be with a man abeg – to be telling him to take that shit, you want me to tear that shit up, boy? come on, call me daddy… Nonsense, my god! If I date a Borrrom, one day he’s gonna want me to do all that with him. Abeg, I no fit.
If you’ve ever watched Remy Mars (the porn star) top and gone “Ugh!” then you understand.
*runs away*
Eros
June 25, 08:27*drags you back to give you a hug*
Girl I understand how you feel. Not everyone can break out of their psychological- *insert big english here* and flip flop. But a little lesbian love every once in a while is good for your soul. Believe me.
Lanre S
June 25, 08:49Preach, Absie
Lanre S
June 25, 08:47All this talk about bottoms topping and tops bottoming, doesn’t it make nonsense of these labels? Or strengthen the idea that most people are not honest bout what they are? Or exclude those of us who are Gagally born this way, and not just ‘playing roles ‘…….?
Gad
June 25, 09:35All concerned to note and act accordingly.
Dennis Macaulay
June 25, 09:39KD ndi roles
Jisienu ike
*starts car, max enters and we drive off*
Diablo
June 25, 09:57Bla bla bla bla.. .i don’t think any reasonable point was made. I died when i saw dildos! Lol really? Even when two btms date, one must assume a penetrative / dorminant role. That’s just how it is. Like a said, no reasonable point was made here…this was bull.
Teflondon
June 25, 10:36It’s just psychological.. No point arguing this out.
Quick example
I found out recently that I and Sinnex have the same sexual preferences. I am more sexually attracted to a not-so-fine str8 or ‘presumed’ str8 guy than a very gorgeous Gay dude. Why? I really don’t have an explanation for that. I use to think I was the only one like that.. Till I found out Sinnex is the same.
At the end of the day it’s all in our brains, tots etc it’s psychological.
Sexuality is fluid we say all the time.. This also includes people; bottoms believing that can’t get down with another bottom. If that’s how they feel why not let that be.
For those that hate labels.. I hate labels also but deep down.. Whether you admit it or not.. We all know who or what we are.
Diablo
June 25, 10:55So its safe to assume that u and sinnex are not-so-fine?
Masked Man
June 25, 11:17Diablo,
Wicked. Lol
ronniephoenix
June 25, 11:06@tef i hate labels because i do not conform to any, and i mean any label at all.
Teflondon
June 25, 12:34Well your case is rare to me.. But I certianly admire it. Not conforming to any set standard or beliefs. It’s admirable
Chuck
June 25, 11:30So it seems the issue isn’t the penetration or non penetration, but the kinks of submission or domination. Being a “man ” doesn’t mean you dominate, being a bottom or woman doesn’t mean you “submit”. There are ways to submit while being the one to top, and ways to dominate while being the one that takes dick.
P.S. If you judge your sexual fulfilment by how close your sex comes to Remy Mars you’re on a long thing. Watching sex and having sex are different things.
JamesJemima
June 25, 12:12“Watching sex and having sex are different things.”
Amen to that.
Khaleesi
June 25, 12:07This is a very complex topic, my take on this is that it all boils down to psychology. A total bottom just can’t do for another bottom what a top would do (in bed), the same applies to top-top pairings which is why in the few instances where two tops dated, the relationship often has to be an open one with frequent occurrences of 3some sex usually involving a bottom. As TefLondon said, deep down you know what u like – even if you’re versatile, you often know which is your preferred role and with whom you prefer to play whichever role … just breathe and go with the flow, things have a way of working themselves out eventually in these situations. …
JamesJemima
June 25, 12:10Like Absolom said.. Sex is more than sticking a dick up the ass for most people. Other things come into play to give optimum pleasure. I believe compatible roles will improve the odds of the relationship lasting. But of course there can be two people who love themselves so much they’d work around it. I bet it’s rare though. It boils down to “how much do I like this person to make it work”. Not sure if it’s only me but sex with a person I love (not hookups) is more of a mind thing so it no longer matters whose what is in what. I’m sure finding someone you love that much is enough to make you forget you’re bottom or top… Unless you’ve got deep seated issues with it.
JojoArmani
June 25, 12:50I once met a friend who I got so fucking close to, he claimed top but after much I realised I can’t have sex with him! my dick won’t get up wenever we are alone… he got worried and we decided to forget about sex… in weeks we found our self’s talking about other guys… the sex we had n co… twas then i realised he was bottom thou trying to play verse..
It all boils down that way!… bottoms are created for the opposite!… just like the straight guys…
sha I like them rough and straight… Just like am crushing on Yusuf buhari just coz I think his straight… once I realise his gay! Things are gonna change. #enough said
Teflondon
June 25, 16:29How’s this different drom what I said..
**rme**
Teflondon
June 25, 16:30*from
Chuck
June 25, 15:40This also affects how total tops and total bottoms tend to have short dalliances. When you think your top has to be Drilla or thugzilla 24/7 you will eventually exhaust the top. Drill a and Thugzilla are not real. They are pornstars who are fem in their everyday lives. They are playing that role for 2 hours. You then project that onto a guy and expect him to be like that 24/7. You will not succeed, unless you have fleeting hookups.
Lanre S
June 25, 18:10Chuck, which space ship full of pretentious queens did u drop of from? Tryna paint all of us Fadas with the same part time porn star brush.
Chuck
June 25, 18:56What’s a Fada? I’ll ignore your first sentence just for that piece of information
sasha
June 25, 17:23I personally feel dat its basic, I grew 2 like bois topping me and I never found a feminine guy attractive . I feel its genetic and even if he is masculine I feel it would b messy sex as he isn’t living his role.*my thouhghts tho*
Bane Salazar
June 25, 20:16Being “buff and muscle-toned” is absolutely no standard for masculinity in any way.
virgin Morgana
June 25, 23:03Hian! Biko, I love bottoms, but anything below the pants doesn’t work between us. I am just gonna lie there like a pile a wood waiting to be axed. The attraction sometimes cannot be there.
Another thing I suggest is the orientation. Who was the person that you first had it with? was he a older bottom? or was he a mature older buff male that is everything a typical flaming bottom needs in a top? If the latter is the case, then I wonder the type of feeling, you, a bottom would be catching in a room with a fellow bottom. Some flaming bottoms would say “Is that not lesbianism in a homophobic gay setting” – that is if i understand what that means. That would be (to me) gross. (I don’t mean to offend anyone, but that’s just what I feel)
Jarch would explain better, why he prefers some certain variety of men over some men.(Friendly)
About dating a fellow bottom? Please can we bring up another topic, ’cause that’s not happening.
troy
June 26, 01:24Nice write up, heard alot about this blog, like what i’ve read so far, …..same role dating cant work if they’re not vers, ….role playing has always been an issue, cos weak minded peeps don’t wanna appear weak, so they deny themselves all the pleasures their body/gay mind is craving, ….I’m vers!! But 80% of the time i’d top, but when i bttm ….I like a “weak” top …in other words I don’t wanna be dominated or rough handled, I just wanna feel the penetration and enjoy the full sense of what I call “gay sex” (not ashame to admit it)
samsey
June 26, 09:15I like this article. This is the sort of thing I’ve raised with gay guys and most of them turn to ask me, “you don’t like penetration, are you sure you’re gay?”
As long as we keep trying to style our relationship and sex life after the manner of the heterosexuals we’ll keep shortchanging ourselves.
As for me, I can never be with someone that is rigidly one thing.
wondabuoy
June 27, 15:28If you are gay, and you are not versatile, then you are either proud, lazy, or … That’s my stand. Sex is not supposed to be the base of relationships. That’s why people flirt a lot because they easily get tired of the dick or ass they’ve been with in a while. It all boils down to self discipline and acceptance and trust and love and …