Broken
The door cracked open and he peered out at me from the opening. I smiled. I couldn’t help it. Seeing him lit up my world in ways I didn’t know were possible before I met him six months ago. He smiled back, that smile he gave only me. It spread his lips, showed me his white teeth, and produced a glint in his eyes. He opened the door wider and looked up and down the hallway before he let me into the room. The year was 1999, and people like us were quite paranoid then, maybe even more so.
“Hi,” I said when I crossed into the room and turned to face him.
He closed the door and bolted it shut before he turned to me.
“Hi, baby,” he said, as he wrapped me in his warm embrace. He had removed his shirt, his upper body clothed only in the white singlet he wore, leaving his hairy arms out in the open. The hair scraped against my neck when he wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed my lips.
We kissed for a while, stopping only long enough to discard our clothing, starting with my school pack containing the school uniforms I had changed out from before coming to the motel.
Several minutes later, I came onto my stomach whilst he thrust into me. And then, he shuddered against me, his big member jerking inside me as he heaved short breaths.
That was when I whispered, “I love you, Alex.”
“I know. And I love you, too,” he replied as he cuddled me close to his chest.
That was what I wanted to hear, and it brought a smile to my face. Alex was different from all the other men in my life. My father never paid much attention to me. Whenever he did, it was to point out something I had done wrong. My uncles never cared much either. Everybody else I knew was “boys”. My classmates and friends were ridiculously immature. I didn’t know if there was a rule somewhere that said that all fifteen-year-olds should be idiots and not talk sense.
And then, I met Alex.
From the beginning, he was my knight in shining armor. He’d saved me from the torment of a group of SS2 students. Afterward, when I asked him why he had confronted his classmates on my behalf, he’d said, “You are too beautiful for those ruffians to mess with.”
And so it had started with a stolen kiss in his room. Since then, we’d come a long way, setting up a simple system. On Wednesdays, when we were supposed to have moral instruction classes, he’d sneak out first and rent a room at the motel two streets away from the school. Thirty minutes later, I’d sneak out too, change into casual clothes and meet him here at the motel. At the end of our tryst, I’d leave first, and he would join me afterward, to avoid suspicion. Of course people would wonder what a fifteen-year-old and an eighteen-year-old were doing at a hotel, together.
I was about to drift off to a euphoria-driven sleep when I heard a knock at the door. It jarred me awake. In all the times we’d come here, no one had ever knocked on the door. I sat up, steadying myself on the back of my elbows as I looked over at Alex.
He must have seen the look of concern on my face, because he said, “Relax. It’s probably my friend, Emeli.” He got up from the bed, pulled on his tighty-whity underwear before going to the door. “Who’s it?”
“It’s me, Emeli,” a voice boomed from the other side.
Alex unlocked the door, unbolted it and opened it for a dark skinned man to walk in. He looked older than Alex, with bulging muscles straining under the constraints of his checkered cotton shirt. A face that had seen many a dark days. I was wondering what this man was doing here. And why Alex wasn’t bothered that this man was seeing us undressed.
Something wasn’t right…
“Hello, Emeli.” Alex said, smiling at him.
I was appalled. He was smiling at this man. He was giving this man ‘my’ smile.
“Alex, who is your friend?” Emeli asked curtly, looking at me. It wasn’t a nice look. It was the kind of look I imagined predators gave their prey before they pounced.
“Oh, he’s my new friend,” Alex responded in an offhanded manner. “His name is Francis.”
Emeli smiled. It didn’t warm my heart. It didn’t warm anything in me. Rather, it chilled me.
“He’s a shiny new toy,” he said with a trace of humor in his voice.
“He is,” Alex agreed coyly. “I’ve had to teach him everything he knows. And he’s a quick learner.” He winked at me.
My stomach turned. I wasn’t comfortable anymore. I wanted to leave. “Good afternoon,” I said stiffly to Emeli, before I turned to Alex. “I want to go…”
Clearly surprised, Alex said, “What? What’s the rush for? Hian. Relax. We are just getting started.” As he spoke, he draped his arms around the newcomer.
Disbelief clouded my face. The man turned to face him and they kissed. Slowly they backed their way to the bed, and then fell on it. Horrified, I scampered off the bed. I wanted to look away, but I was transfixed by what I was witnessing. My Alex, in another man’s arms, groaning and moaning in pleasure.
Emeli pulled his clothes off and mounted him.
Push him away, Alex. Push him away, I screamed in my head.
But Alex didn’t. He spread his fair legs and I watched Emeli enter. Alex’s face was filled with pure delight. He was enjoying it. He was enjoying it too much.
I covered my ears with my hands so I won’t hear them. I felt the hot slice of betrayal cleave my heart. I thought Alex loved me. I thought I was the only one. So all those times that I was curled up in his arms, and he said “I love you” to me had been a lie? I was just one more plaything for him?
Alex wasn’t so different after all.
Tears threatened to spill from my eyes, but I held them in, closing my eyes against them. I won’t cry for him, I told myself firmly. I won’t cry for him!
When there was relative silence, I opened my eyes and peered at them. They lay there on the bed, in each other’s arms, sweat coating their skin. Emeli smiled at me. He SMILED at me! I wanted to wrap my hands his thick neck and throttle the life out of him. I removed my hands from my ears.
“Your boy looks like he’s about to cry,” Emeli said nodding at where I was huddled in the corner.
Alex huffed. “Don’t mind him. You can play with him, if you want to fuck him.”
It was like a minute of supersonic sound pierced my ears. Me? Alex was giving him the go-ahead to fuck me? I stared at my lover, stabbing my hurt at him.
“Boy, come up here,” Emeli called out.
Afraid to say the wrong thing, I just shook my head at him. Emeli looked amused. Alex frowned at me. “Francis, gini bu nke a?” he snapped. “What’s this one? Biko, bring your ass up here.”
Propelled by an unseen force, I stood from where I had curled up. I put one foot in front of the other until I arrived at the bed. Emeli, with that amused look on his face, beckoned with his right hand. I joined them on the bed.
As he kissed my neck and massaged my groin, I drifted away to that first day I met Alex, to the smile I thought was mine, to when he said, “You’re too beautiful for them to mess with”. I wondered when things had changed. Or had I been blind right from the beginning, misled by him? All men were the same, it seemed. My father, my uncles, Alex, Emeli. In the moment, I suddenly yearned for the company of my fellow fifteen year olds, the ones I’d dismissed as immature. All we ever did was play pranks, talk about girls, sex and money. They were unfailing in that nature.
I felt biting pain in my butt hole and I cried out. I was on my back on the bed and Emeli was trying to penetrate me. I looked down at his erection and felt my eyes widen. It was bigger than Alex’s, bigger than anything I had seen. He tried again and the pain returned. I winced and bit my lower lip.
He continued to push in. “Boy, shut up and take my dick. I know you want to,” he growled.
“Please. No. Please. I don’t want to. I can’t,” I gasped through the haze of red hot pain. The tears I had shut down before rushed back. This time I wanted to give in, to let them flood down face. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to give them that satisfaction. I’m not a boy, a cry baby.
I looked over at where Alex lay beside me. He was watching us with keen interest. However, when he caught my stare on him, he sighed. “It’s okay. Emeli, stop. I don’t want you spoiling his small nyash.”
I heard Emeli groan before he pulled away from me. He got off the bed, crossed the room in giant strides and went into the bathroom. My derriere still hurt like it’d undergone a third degree burn.
Alex fixed me with an intense gaze and began, “Francis, I know you love me. But let me break this news to you, you’re not the only one I have. I don’t let any opportunity pass me by. I’m not going to marry you, so I won’t yoke myself to you.”
Subconsciously, I translated to myself what he was saying. I was indeed a plaything for him. And I wasn’t the only one. I probably wasn’t the newest one too. I didn’t mean anything special to him. Maybe I didn’t even mean anything to him at all.
“What we’re doing… it’s just a game, a pastime, you hear?” he said. “A game. Don’t read much meaning into it. I’m going to enjoy as many ass and dick out there as I can. I’m young, so I should. You should get used to that idea.”
I didn’t know when it happened. I just let them out – those tears I’d been holding back. They slipped from my eyes and rolled backward down the side of my face to dampen the pillow upon which my head was. I closed my eyes, turned my back at him and began to cry. Quietly. Not for Alex. Not for what Emeli had done.
But for myself.
Written by Uziel
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36 Comments
Kenny
February 12, 06:44And fools like Alex abound in their thousands! It’s just a game they’ll say yet 20years later their married ass will be on grindr looking for younger dudes who can accommodate them for sex seeing as marriage has taken away that freedom from them.
Jamie
February 12, 07:43Almost everyone says that though; until we get married and older and rather become sweethearts seeking for newer boys( there’s always a fear of the older ones they told that trash) to establish a possible longstanding relationship with.
Basically, it’s anyone’s decision to make about what they want and what makes them happy, but when it has to offend another person’s happiness, it gets awkward. I mean, most of us are so illiterate about love and relationships that we dunno that we ought to come out clear to someone about what we want, and how long it’s gonna last, for them to also take responsibility and make a choice they’re more comfortable with.
Max 2.1
February 12, 08:06A lot of people like Alex exist, and they’re the reason for the huge number of damaged gay people we have.
segs
February 12, 08:14i love the story
Immanuel
February 12, 09:06I guess Alex is the way he is because he understands there is no future for we gay men in Nigeria. So, it’s just a game. Why will you get emotionally attached when there’s no freedom for you in your country. You can’t hold hands in public and marriage is out of the question. The part of the world we’ve found ourselves in has made it a game for us.
Tamara
February 12, 09:12Did u notice the part of *15 years old* or u chose to ignore? He was still coming into terms with who he is, and most of us started off with high hopes and great expectations that either got cut or crushed somewhere along the line.
Max 2.1
February 12, 11:25@Immanuel, my life isn’t a game.
Only you can save yourself from your internalized homophobia, no one else can.
Immanuel
February 13, 08:32Max, why are you so quick to spit your venom on this blog? Choose your battles carefully. Don’t assume you know anyone just by what they type on here. You don’t know shit about me..
Tamara
February 12, 09:06I can relate with this story! Yea *Broken* I was broken after my first Sex. Happened so fast: crushing all my fantasies and g- colored dreams, oh boy, I was used, broken, and abandoned.’ First impression they say matters a lot’ it still hurts, and it is contributing to limiting my openess and freedom. Hope u find healing Uziel! *My wish for both of us actually*
#Chestnut
February 12, 09:19When ur first encounter is with a veteran,instead of a novice like urself, u’re almost sure to get “broken”, because he already knows how the community operates…all the games and lies and coldness…it’s a lesson in reality.
#Chestnut
February 12, 09:11Lovely story,Uziel. Autobiographical?
Di-Navy
February 12, 09:19Sad,Sad story! Whoever said he likes the story. Loads of people from the part of the world we come from see this thing as a “Game” in quote! I can imagine how the innocent Francis felt. Meaning he’s been leading him along all these while??? People like Alex are the main reason why nobody’s serious in our queer world. To even allow himself get shagged in front of Francis is so irky! 85percent of queer guys in Nigeria are just like Alex. Smh
bruno
February 12, 09:21this is what happens when you start exploring your sexuality young in a homophobic society.
most of us had no guides or information and were easy targets for predators like this.
our society is really failing its vulnerable gay youth. it’s a shame.
kaytee
February 12, 09:52teens and below, shouldn’t be having sex…. most lack the ability to negotiate for no sex or even safe sex
Chuck
February 12, 13:17Co-sign!
Jamie
February 13, 15:26It is the assumption that all things are equal that makes parents not teach their kids safe sex early enough. We know people should be mature enough before they have sex; some mature earlier; some have higher sexual libidos…so we should make provisions for everyone, to promote equality. Now, who’s the one to be considered? ALL!! No human being should be trusted so much.
bruno
February 12, 17:10you hit puberty at 14 but you should not explore your sexuality till 20? I don’t think that’s a really realistic expectation.
chuck
February 12, 18:25Then don’t complain when you get raped, manipulated, injured and so on
JustJames
February 12, 23:42So it’s the person that is raped fault that he/she got raped? Abeg. Your thinking sucks.
KingBey
February 12, 23:51Assin ehh ! 15 yrs and your already meeting a boy in a hotel room for sex and talking about love. *unlooks* I knew I was attracted to same sex right from when I was about 5 or 6 but I never had sex till about 23yrs of age. Jeez !
Pink Panther
February 13, 06:47Yay to you, KingBey. Not everybody’s libido is the same.
Ruby
February 12, 10:17Sad…..
Just Sad!!!!
Geeluv
February 12, 13:25“I was appalled. He was smiling at this man. He was giving this man ‘my’ smile.” That was funny… but at that point when you had to yearn for the company of your fellow 15yr olds… touching…. Alex is Terrible.
Lothario
February 12, 16:16Such is the life we’re forced to have as Nigerian gay men. I do miss my wide-eyed innocent days though….. Gosh!
grass
February 12, 16:37I’ve met way to many Alexes.. you meet this person,the chemistry is amazing, the sex is divine, he treats u like a Queen, u feel special, but then,then u realize he’s same with the 20 other guys he fucks,that it was his way of getting what he wanted all along,that pain of being tricked and used,is the reason many Nigerian gays,especially d btms are broken, damaged and CHRONIC HOES.
Eddie
February 12, 21:04Hmmmmmhmmmm I feel you, Uzzie!!! Tsk-tsk….. Alex and other scheming pricks out there can choke on a spiky strap-on and drop dead
KingBey
February 12, 23:56Both of them were still kids and should be in the classroom and NOT in a hotel room having sex and talking bull crap and calling it love. Had my first sex at age 23. After I left University. My hands were my best buddy till then. This story is just somehow biko.
doe
February 13, 00:42We have heard you now…you had your first at 23…good to know…different strokes for different folks…thank you…can I accompany you to your several seats now?
Pink Panther
February 13, 06:48LMAO @doe.
KingBey
February 13, 11:51Why are you angry? It’s a general comment. ???
Santa Diaba
February 13, 10:08I kind of agree, King Bey. Right from primary school, I knew I didn’t have the interest in girls that I supposed to have, but instead of focusing on my sexuality, I focused on my education, graduating uni at 19 with a 1st class.
I began my exploration at 20, when I was mature enough. Didn’t stop the boys from lying tho. Many men are toxic. Tbh.
KingBey
February 13, 11:54It’s sad when I see 15 and 16 yr olds claiming Power Bottoms. I’m like “Boy go face your study” Lol. And most of them lie about their age but you can see that they are still kids. I like younger guys but I don’t go below 20.
Rudeboysammy
February 13, 06:52Alex Alex, I remember when I was 18 and this little 14 years old dude was hovering round me like fly those days. I didn’t leave him broken like that; I fixed him up and breeded him for his glory days to come. Now, he’s a grown black ass- man and will ever remain grateful to me cos I showed him the way and God helped him too. Everybody can’t be “Alex”, y’all need to better persons especially here in Nigeria where we have this “game” thing spinning inside our heads and phobia for it.
michael
February 13, 15:10This has been posted here before now… Nice though.
Pink Panther
February 13, 15:19No. it hasn’t been posted here before.
Evil Empress
June 18, 17:42I’m guessing this was about a 15yr old just coming into what he is and how he feels…Altho we can’t say there aren’t so many Alex(es) out there…so also there will always be 15yr olds who get their hearts broken…Heterosexual…Homosexual…or even Bisexual…a broken heart is not pomo…it doesn’t bounce back like Flubber..lol
I love it tho