CARDBOARDSEXUALITY: Another Sexual Behaviour?
This write-up is strictly based on personal exploration and a need to inform in case there are those who feel the same. As a result, there are no projections, no statistical assertions and definitely, no assumptions. The nomenclatures used herein (cardboardsexuality, cardboardsexual, cardboard sex) were also coined by me. I am still thinking of something more refined, with an etymological background, but this is what it is for now.
But a quick background for the purpose of context: Cardboard is paper, just thicker; sex is a physical activity, can be more and complex for some.
***
It’s been six years since my last relationship. There have been times when I actively abstained from commitments and moments I have been met with disappointment after giving someone the benefit of doubt. But all through these, I can say that this seemingly unending relationship hiatus has given me enough time to come into myself fully. Being alone has helped me come to a reasonable understanding of my person. This, coupled with a few other things, is why I advocate that people take time off being with other people to be by themselves. You do not have to be with somebody; I do not see why people make being in a relationship assume the importance of a bucket-list item. It is healthy practice to take time to be involved with yourself. Only then will you discover a lot about yourself. It’s fact. But there seems to be a dependency haze that is very pervasive in the community.
In this period of aloneness, I have been able to explore many facets of myself. One of which is my sexual side; everything relating to my sex life.
And I got to realise that:
- Sex is a purely physical activity for me. I do not have to be romantically or emotionally into you to want to have sex with you.
- I am a very sexual person. I could have sex all week, and this is hugely dependent on the skills of the person and not necessarily his persona.
- I rarely do call-backs.
- Even if I get into a relationship, I very likely would want it open.
- I’ll rather less talk and more sex when a romp is about to happen; we do not even have to know each other’s name or maintain communication afterward.
- I cannot be emotionally invested in more than one person at a time. So, while my body responds to random partners, my heart stays committed.
I decided to highlight the main characteristics of my recent observations and subsequent inferences as stated, so that you get an overview of what I am saying and to eliminate the existence of ambiguity.
As someone who likes to know and question, I started to do an introspection on why this is so, why this is my reality. The fact that many – if not all – of the persons I came in contact with were wired differently or wanted things I did not find myself wanting made this even more of a conundrum, so much so that I started to think that there was something wrong with me. How do you have sex with someone whose name you do not know? How do you get on a sexual high with someone you do not find yourself in a relationship with? And most importantly, why do you feel no bother? The only concern I was having was borne from the nonchalance I felt about my disposition to sex, not my position about sex.
This made me go back to scholarly articles on sexuality, and even though I had a vague understanding of what demisexuality is prior, I came to a better understanding of the sexual behaviour: the demisexual is just a complete opposite of me.
This information put things in perspective for me.
Because, if there are persons who can only have sex when there is some emotional connection involved, then there definitely will be those on the opposite spectrum. And I happen to be a part of this sect.
On the heels of this development, I shared my findings with some of my friends. I did that to not only bring them up to speed on what was going on with me, but to elicit reactions and consequently, find out if there was any amongst them who could relate to what I was feeling. Also, to get different opinions that might challenge my introspection and hence, broaden my perspective.
Unfortunately, like the many random persons I had met, most of them could not relate. It was just one person who could, and it was as much a revelation for him as it was for me when I first realized it. As a result, he only wanted to know more; he had no viable contributions. There were questions, some of which I have tried answering here, just to give us more insight.
The first question was: You say you can have sex without emotions. Is that even possible? Can you just turn emotions off?
Emotions are a part of us as human beings, but they aren’t always responsible for the things that we do or the way we behave every other time. Not having an emotional connection with someone doesn’t mean there is no casual likeness or sexual appeal present; it just means there is no investment that could probably make me want to form a bond that goes beyond the sex. It also means I am not inclined to want intimacy that’s deeper than our physical connection; I might not want to cuddle after sex or look into your eyes or giggle from something you said. We acknowledge each other’s physical appeal and get down to it without any reservations or expectations.
When I say emotions aren’t involved, I mean there is no desire beyond the lust. It does not mean I can have sex with someone whose presence I can’t stand. It certainly does not mean I do not have a preference. As a matter of fact, because of how physically dependent we are where sex is concerned, a Cardboardsexual will have more limited options as compared to other sexual behaviours, especially a Demisexual.
Another question asked was: What’s the difference between cardboard sex and a one-night stand?
Well, it’s simple really. A one-night stand could be passionate and have all the lovey-dovey elements indicative of intimate sex. It could also lead to many other “stands”, or a relationship. On the other hand, what drives cardboard sex isn’t passion, but instantaneous pleasure. Because you aren’t even looking to make friends with the person, the possibility of something more emanating is slim to nonexistent. This is not to say that your attitude toward the other person will be distant or hostile. You can be cordial with someone without an intention to build a friendship.
Last question: Can a cardboardsexual build or maintain a healthy relationship?
Absolutely! Like I have mentioned earlier, a cardboardsexual is very much in tune with his emotions. What separates us from most is that we know not to pursue more when it’s lust and that helps us understand when something is more demanding of our heart. The intriguing thing is that – and I speak for myself – when you finally find that person you are emotionally connected to, it is impossible to share what you feel with any other. The dilemma of being in love with more than one person isn’t there. This sharp contrast to our sexual proclivities still astounds me. However, there is a high possibility that an open Relationship will be the most preferred and practical.
The pitfall here is that getting emotionally entangled doesn’t happen as often as you’d see with most people.
On that note, although still being understood, I want to categorically state that Cardboardsexuality is a thing and it is very valid as well. It so happens that many people conflate having sex with being intimate and I think these two are very mutually exclusive. Cardboard sex alludes to that. You may read this and come to understand why it’s easy for you to have casual sex, why you do not find yourself craving attention as much as those around you do. Humanity is vast and our individuality inexhaustible. We cannot stop unveiling new things about ourselves, and when we do, when we have made sense of them, I believe in disseminating information because there might be someone out there feeling the same thing but unable to piece the words to explain what they’re feeling; hence this write-up.
If there are more questions, feel free to ask in the comment section or send them to my email: aizufierce@yahoo.com.
For those who’ll see this and relate to it, we should have a gathering and celebrate with Coldstone Ice-cream and glazed doughnuts. Just us Cardboardsexuals.
Ciao, for now.
Delle
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15 Comments
Ken
September 23, 09:30So after scanning through this post I feel a lil sympathy as well as pity for persons who are in this cardboard sex group. My feeling is based on the following:
1. As the world is getting more populated the advancement in technology and social media has helped to isolate us more rather than bridge the gap. People now have relationships with their gadgets, phones etc as against directly with other people. The result is loneliness, selfishness, narcissistic tendencies and total loss of the ability to relate with other.
2. In my view the writer seems to be going thru some form of trauma, probably resulting from series of romantic disappointments and or staying away from other people for too long.
3. This cardboard sex behaviour appears to stem from a fear of romantic or sexual disappointment i.e rather than wait to get disappointed, why even bother trying at all. The writer appears to have built up thick walls for personal security. Unfortunately, walls don’t just lock people out, they also shut you in.
4. It’s ok to want to be alone from time to time. But it’s unhealthy to completely cut yourself and emotions from everyone. In the end, you simply cannot live alone. The human brain isn’t wired that way. And no matter how sexual you are, after a while it becomes monotonous and boring having sex with random people.
5. Sadly this world is headed in the direction of cardboard sex. The time will come when people will just stop going outside their house or even bother saying hi to anybody. I hear it’s already a problem in Japan!
Delle
September 23, 10:19Firstly, the audacity in this write-up is just astounding. You totally invalidate someone’s lived experience, something you have no first-hand clue about, because you have a brain and a phone? You question how someone expresses himself sexually on the grounds of astute ignorance and an unwillingness to widen your scope of understanding? Woah!
All I get from this is a conservativeness that drives the idea that monogamy is the way to be. Every other form of relationship has to be ridden on past trauma or an anti-natural behaviour.
A conservativeness that pushes the narrative that we all have to be in a relationship with another to be considered ‘normal’. Forgetting that it is on this same premise homophobia thrives
An inflexible stance that suggests the writer must be anti-romance because he is pro-sex (which baffles because there is no part of this write-up that implies that). And even if someone isn’t inclined to romance, how is this an issue?
I sincerely believe that we are not a monolith, Ken. People are different and for you to come and invalidate that because you DO NOT UNDERSTAND why things are shifting from what they used to be is to be blind-sided and single-minded and that is pathetic.
The argument that because people are suddenly discovering sides to themselves is a threat to what already exists is as shabby as it is antiquated. We will NEVER be a homogenous society. We will never wake up to see that everyone is Cardboardsexual or demisexual or homosexual . Variety and diversity will always be at play so enough with these inimical ideals. You sound like a bigot.
I have never had any traumatic experience with a man. I have never been at a place where I hated or disliked men. I have a healthy social life and a fantastic sexual drive, if that doesn’t augur well with you, kind sir, I am not sorry. No one should have to explain himself to you. You can simply ask questions, not write a thesis to show your level of ignorance, that’s sad.
In the end, thanks for your input. But some opinions should not exist in the physical.
Ken
September 23, 20:17The war you are waging is with no one but yourself. I don talk finish, keep crying.
Delle
September 24, 09:03Yeah, you did say a lot of rubbish. Congrats
Malik
September 23, 12:43I somehow agree with you, Ken. Bite me, Delle.
But I’m not looking to pitch my tent with either of you. I’m just here to make my point.
My point is that sex is intimate. Getting naked, locking body and locking lips with another human involves a lot of vulnerability and trust. This is why for me, my body count list doubles as a list of men I care about, trust and most times, respect.
I value the emotional connection and the friendships I have with these men and I like it to outlast the duration of sexual activity we have (if/when we eventually stop).
Like you, I think I am libidinous and can handle quite a lot of sex, but I hold back because sex involves two parties and a sexual arrangement should be what works for both parties.
I see nothing wrong in being “cardboardsexual” if you’re not hurting people in the process. If you tell people your call-back rate is low, it’s just a fling and there are no sentiments attached that’s fine. If you let people walk into you blindly and you cut them off after one episode of sexing, and thus hurt their self esteem, that wouldn’t be good.
I’m personally, not a fan of fucking someone whose name you don’t know. It’s almost like fucking a dildo, an inanimate, life-less, history-less, story-less thing. The concept rubs off as an objectification of the person in a way.
Sharing Ken’s sentiment, I wonder why there seems to be a deliberate attempt to block out the emotional ties to your sexual partners because sexual emotions are a natural biological response.
I guess for me, I like to have an emotional connection without a clingy possessiveness: “Yes, you can have me but you can not monopolize me.”
Again, it comes down to what works for you. I don’t exactly believe in sexual monogamy. I think it was an invention of our sociology as opposed to our biology. It certainly has it’s perks but if cardboard sexuality makes you happy and doesn’t hurt your partners, by all means, enjoy.
Delle
September 23, 16:06But do you not see how you are policing my experience because it doesn’t fit your narrative?
Highlights:
“My point is that sex is intimate. Getting naked, locking body and locking lips with another human involves a lot of vulnerability and trust”
This is YOUR lived experience. This is how YOU feel about sex. For me, and many like me, it’s not the same. I do not see it as an intimate act (it can be with someone I am emotionally connected to but that rarely happens and as such, most times, it’s purely physical). This is my experience. MY narrative. This is how I feel. And you cannot and do not perform feelings, Malik.
“I see nothing wrong in being “cardboardsexual” if you’re not hurting people in the process. If you tell people your call-back rate is low, it’s just a fling and there are no sentiments attached that’s fine. If you let people walk into you blindly and you cut them off after one episode of sexing, and thus hurt their self esteem, that wouldn’t be good.”
This paragraph reeks of the need to assert dissent whilst still not coming off abrasive. But I see through it and it’s laughable. If you think I let people walk in ‘blindly’, then have nothing to say to you. I hope to God you realise just how troubling that is.
For the record, I do tell my partners, before hand, not to expect too much. That’s the most I can do. And sex has to be consensual. So really, I do not see where the issue here is.
“I’m personally, not a fan of fucking someone whose name you don’t know.”
I am personally happy for you, Malik. Lol. But you see, I find myself in that situation every now and then. Objectification comes with a clause of deliberate disrespect. I do not disrespect them, I just am not available for a pre or post-coital friendship. Many a time, the energy is matched. Consenting objectification, if you please?
“It certainly has it’s perks but if cardboard sexuality makes you happy and doesn’t hurt your partners, by all means, enjoy.”
And perks? This is like saying there are perks to being gay or demisexual. Jesus, Malik. Do not water down my experience to some bonanza or likable attribute. It’s disrespectful. Sigh.
P.S: So sad that I have to explain myself to homophobes and also those within the community. But here we are!
Sens8
September 27, 09:00Dear Ken,
You missed the point by a wide margin.
First off, saying the ‘cardboard sexuality’ is as result of trauma makes you no different from those who say being gay is a result of abuse. People are different. And the differentiation between two people can be as small as a crack or as wide as chasm. A person’s experience does not negate. It only confirms. Why? Because someone else is also going through the exact same thing. You are not a ‘cardboard sexual’ and that’s fine. Your experience is valid but your ‘point’ isn’t necessary. Hope you noticed that he said that this write up is based on personal experience. His, not yours.
Secondly, no one is a monopoly on sexualites. That’s what we have been fighting straight people for since antiquity. Personally, I don’t like the idea of labels but, as a scientist, I understand that labelling/naming something makes it easier to identify and gives it its uniqueness. It’s the reason why the term ‘queer’ is needed because it’s so all encompassing and allows for identification of a collective. But, the reason why the collective constituents of queers, i.e. the LGBTQIA+ family, keeps growing is because there are identities that are still being discovered and assessed.
Your thinking would be in the same line as people who are of the opinion that just ‘LGBT’ is fine. That there’s no need for any more extra letters or identities but you would be wrong.
Sexuality is fluid and beautiful. So keep an open mind. Not everyone will like to be in a relationship. Not everyone in a relationship wants to be have sex with just the one person. Not every relationship is monogamous. That’s the wonder of the queer family. The belief that we are all the same but with our own unique differences. And understanding that these differences are what makes our community unique. Stop trying to pigeonhole everyone because you can’t.
Take it, process it and move on. Sometimes, that’s all you need to do.
Jason
September 29, 02:10Say you’re a hoe without saying you’re a hoe. Lol
Delle
October 26, 16:48Sigh.
Wonda Buoy
September 30, 22:04Dear writer, may you get the healing that you so much need.
Ciao.
Delle
October 26, 16:49Thanks.
I hope you get yours too.
Arthur
October 07, 20:18Either write a long reply or estimate that the chances are 9 out of 10 that Delle Is a toxic person, likely bottom, who will leave many people with tales of regret.
It’s all in there, covered up in this pseudo-woke neologic.
Delle
October 26, 16:50I love how everyTHING you’ve written here is wrong. Phew!
Delle
October 26, 16:52It’s how everyTHING you have written here is wrong. Must be nice.
Dubem
October 20, 12:07It’s because you have grindr, tinder and free internet porn you have decided to label yourself something that basically reads as hedonistic. You do you tho