DAYS OF OUR LIVES
LIFE
I must belong to a lesser category of queers that self-discovered quite early. Even though I was born into a neighborhood that had a disproportionately higher number of girls than boys – which meant that at a tender age, almost all my playmates were girls – I could still feel something odd and different in my being. I was age eight when I began frequenting her house. A girl that would come to define much of my childhood and early life. Let’s call her Sofia. When I wasn’t putting on her elder sister’s bra and skirt or applying her makeup, I’d ask that we engage in other fun stuff like playing Okor ati Iyawo in which I’d plead with her to be the husband while I played the wife. I liked Sofia, in every possible way except the one way I’d have been expected to like her. Sexually.
That feeling was reserved for Emeka. One of the very few male friends I had at the time. Emeka had a habit of taking off, entirely, his underwear whenever he wanted to pee or take a dump, as opposed to just pulling it down the thighs like every other male. I always found myself staring at his butt cheeks, which for a boy his age was quite a sight. Occasionally I’d even go as far as squishing them. I didn’t know who I was or what I felt; I just assumed it was a phase I’d pass but I never doubted I was different from the other boys. As I grew older, my affinity for anything penile grew astronomically; on the flip side, my relationship with the opposite sex deteriorated so much so that I could barely keep up conversations with girls.
At twelve, a lot more boys my age started saving up to buy cheap earrings and necklaces as gifts to woo girls they liked. I saved up too. To buy candies and cookies for boys I liked. When I heard boys talk about the feelings they had for girls, the things they did with them and the things they planned to do, I would try to contain the vomit-worthy feeling that shot up my throat.
I didn’t like football. I avoided fights as much as possible and I loved wearing bras.
At thirteen, my English teacher made a joke with the word “Homosexual” in class. I didn’t know what it meant, I didn’t care, until a murmur swept through the class accompanied with a cacophony of “God forbid…God forbid”. Then I reached for my oxford dictionary and discovered who I was.
ED
I didn’t have sex until I was nineteen. Before then, I didn’t know what it meant to be Top or Bottom. At nineteen, I was still terribly naïve and sexually inexperienced. I still didn’t know how to meet the people who the Oxford dictionary I checked 6 years prior told me where People who had sexual attraction for the same sex. But I would find that there was a spirit in all of us that leads us to places we didn’t know how we found. And it was this spirit which a few days to my nineteenth birthday led me to the 9jagay room of 2go and gave me my first date.
A lot of credit to Richard who put up with my naivety. Though two years younger than I was, he was more experienced.
“How don’t you know your role and you’re 19?” he asked. Surprised and amused at the same time. “Okay, between a guy’s ass and dick, which do you prefer?”
I thought about it and in that instant, realized I had always been drawn to the ass. It was the reason I always went to football pitches to watch boys’ butts jig about underneath the thin fabric of their shorts as they struggled for the ball.
It was settled then. I was a Top, and would get to fuck Richard as my birthday gift to me for my last birthday as a teenager.
But the day when Richard disrobed and I was supposed to step over that sexual threshold, I was dealt the first biggest blow of my life.
It was ED. Erectile Dysfunction.
POSITIVE
I didn’t get to fuck Richard that day. Or any other day. He fucked me, because while my member wouldn’t move to attention at the offer I’d thirsted for all my life, Richard’s hard-on was ready and desperate to pound my virgin ass. I didn’t enjoy one bit of the sex.
After several more trials without success, several more failed attempts to gain an erection, several more times spent bottoming in sex I didn’t enjoy, I decided to abandon my shame and seek for help at my school’s clinic. That was where the diagnosis of ED was made after a few tests.
And there it was that the second biggest blow of my life was dealt me. it was discovered that I was HIV positive as well, with a viral load that was through the roof. And just as ED was the gift I got for my nineteenth birthday, my positive HIV status arrived in time for my twenty-first birthday.
My life didn’t just crumble. It dissolved to nothingness. I became a husk of my former self, bitter, angry and empty. In school, I’d see boys wake up with morning wood and I’d be reminded of my impotency coupled with an untreatable disease. I cut off from God. I cut off from friends. And every time I crossed a road, I hoped I’d get run over by a Good Samaritan with reckless driving skills.
I tried seeking therapeutic help, but I’ve not been able to find any. I don’t know how much longer I can hold off against two terribly depressing predicaments that I’m always reminded off. Or perhaps I just don’t want to.
Written by Brandon
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14 Comments
Ekun
September 28, 07:44Now this is sad, ED and HIV in 2 years????.
Stay strong Brandon.
Pjay
September 28, 08:12ED is incurable?
Sly
September 28, 08:28While I totally understand what you are going through, I want you to know that you can still live your best life despite all this. Nowadays, HIV is mainly a minor inconvenience you have to live with, trust me on that one. You can still do all, and I Mean ALL that you plan to do with your life.
Now more than ever, you should not hide in your shell, but seek the company of people who will provide a strong support network for you. I am certain Pinky can refer you to a number of organisations who can help with counselling if you feel you need to.
Also, ED can be taken care of Brandon. On the whole, you will be fine eventually. Do not allow thoughts of self pity or guilt wrack you now.
Malik
September 28, 08:47One day at a time dear. Just keep pushing and let time bring you happier days. Cling to anything, whatever it is that makes you happy and know that there are better days for you ahead. Stay strong.
Francis
September 28, 10:04Hang in there man. I know it all looks depressing but hopefully they’ll be light at the end of the tunnel. For now I say focus on managing your HIV status properly. Get your CD4 count up as high as it can go for you and get your viral load down.
ED can be dealt with and hopefully cured later. *hugs*
There are clinics that can help you manage both in house
Houston Scholar
September 28, 13:44I can understand how you feel Brandon, please stay strong and continue to seek help. Sometimes life throw million boulders at us and we sometimes feel we cannot cope in this space again but we need that resilience and “I will never give up” spirit to keep surviving. Dear, you will be fine.
Noble
September 28, 16:01Brandon, perhaps you were exposed to pornography before your first sexual experience and you often masturbate to it. If that’s the case, what you are suffering from may be PIED- Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction, which is quite surmountable. There’s enough information about PIED online which will be helpful. Overcoming PIED requires a psychological approach, not drugs.
Malcolm
September 28, 20:54I can’t imagine how you feel Brandon. I wish you well. if you ever want to talk, I’ll be here – malcolmzambia@outlook.com
Tyler
September 28, 22:38Hey! I can help you out with all those. Reach out to me via email. Pinky will give you. Thanks
Brandon
September 29, 06:51Any chance you could drop it here?
Patrick
September 29, 02:44Brandon,
I want to hug you and tell you to keep holding on…
Didn’t we have some sort of support system here on KD?
If you need a friend to talk to, please ask PP for my email.
PP, please kindly send my email address to Brandon. Thanks
FJ
September 30, 23:17ED is surmountable with psychotherapy with or without drug therapy. Treatment is individualized. If u need medical assistance feel free to reach me.
As for hiv, drawing an inner strength for hope of survival is d beginning. May God see u through dis tough phase
Tsquare
October 13, 21:54Stay strong man. It’s not the end of the world. HIV positive doesn’t define you. A lot of people out there are positive. And ED is curable.
Pankar
October 14, 17:47Strong support system, I’m proud