Dear KD: I Have Problems
Dear KD, I have a problem…actually, problems.
One, I think I watch too much porn and masturbate more than I should. I don’t want to use the word “addicted” because sometimes, I feel like I have a control over it. Then again, I’m not even sure about this. I go without touching myself for weeks or I follow the timetable of doing it only once a week. And sometimes, I get carried away with work and I forget to nut. (In my defence, the reason why I watch porn is because LGBT movies are so hard to find and download. And so, porn is the closest – and easiest – thing to get.)
Secondly, I have a case of mild depression. It’s not always there but it pops up once in a while. Like this week. And I think it’s due to my low self-esteem. What makes it worse is that I don’t have enough queer friends or LGBT-friendly people around me. I have only two gay friends: one is very busy with studies and work, and the other is a total douche who wants sex or nothing.
I feel like I will never find love. Especially in this Nigeria where our kind is targeted and judged by homophobes, and all fellow queer people want is sex and no commitment to something serious and lasting. And this knowledge that I may never find love also does a number on my self-esteem, evoking my depression whenever I dwell on it. Maybe the fact I have never been hit on by any pretty person or hot guy, something my friends complain they have to endure. Or maybe it’s because I am so good at giving love and relationship advice, and yet I have no one to experience them with.
All this is exhausting, and I just need some advice on how to make sense of my life as it is.
Thank you.
Submitted by Ade
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12 Comments
Seth
March 04, 06:18Believe it or not a lot of us have been here. Infact a few years ago this was me. I did have people hitting on me but nobody who remotely physically appealed to me. I had to a make a series of drastic personal decisions to change my circumstances. You have to examine yourself and tell yourself the truth. Only then will your course of action become clear.
Ken
March 04, 07:50So in a nutshell you are a regular Nigerian gay guy living in the 21st century. Sorry but this is the life. You either manage it as it is and be depressed or change by doing something different. I know we all need some form of companionship, but in my case (as an extreme introvert) I am perfectly ok being alone, doesn’t mean am lonely. But you don’t have to be tho.
In any case, you have to resist allowing other people’s approval determine your happiness in life. Trust me, having plenty gay friends won’t make you life any happier. Happiness comes from within. Plus love is overrated. You don’t need love or relationship to be happy (forget the silly fairytale movies). Grow your independence and channel your energy towards being successful in your career. Success attracts neaningful people and Nigerians whether gay or straight will worship u for it, regardless of other shortcomings. Best of luck!
Sage Philip
March 04, 08:52Well I don’t think there’s anything like wanking too much. Wank as much a your dick can carry,especially if there’s no one around to satiate your needs. I myself wank like 6 to 8 times a day, since I hardly get what I want sexually (I cannot come and starve myself for a day only for me to be thanked with crappy/just there kind of sex).
Your happiness is in your hands. More gay friends more wah ala, trust me. Even among the “enlightened” ones.
We all know that gay movies are hard to come by, you can get just enough if you look in the right places. But please I hope you don’t watch them just to wank. There’s more to gay movies than wanking.
AduResa
March 04, 08:55You could book an appointment to see a psychologist at TIERS, I think this is what you really need right now. Sending you love and light…
Oludayo
March 04, 22:15Pls consider this, especially as you think you have some signs of depression.
Peace
March 06, 00:14You beat me to it. So yes you can book an appointment to see the clinical psychologist at TIERS if you’re in Lagos, and even if you’re not, therapy can be done virtually via phone call. Pink panther has te details, and if you still feel the need to talk to someone, I’d be glad to listen. I’m just a pink panther away.
bamidele
March 04, 11:25Well, I suggest you pay attention to most of the above comments (especially that made by ‘Ken’). The major downfall of anybody is thinking/seeking happiness in others, be it families or lovers; when such happiness comes, there is need to tread with care. People may choose or be forced by circumstances to withdraw anything they offer you at any time. The only that can never be withdrawn, is what you’ve made for/by yourself. Hence, it is important for your to develop your inner strength and security. This is why you hear people commit side, due to heart break or disappointment by others. Unfortunately, while Nigeria is homophobic, there is no guaranttee that you’ll not have lonely life or feel miserable outside Nigeria, the world is nearly the same everywhere. Thus as said above; first, develop yourself, build hobbies, For example, if you like reading (like me) there are millions of interesting books out there (many for free) and with time, you can start writing etc… Think and engage in activities that make you happy. I remember nearly facing the same problem like you. However, As soon as I quickly woke up, and refused to give a damn about anybody, whatsoever, many of the people who had abandoned me are now complaining that I’m too busy and have no time for them…lol. Interesting… Investing in yourself pays. You can become famous and depending on your hobbies, new friends/people will give anything to get closer to you, whether in Nigeria or elsewhere.
Lyon
March 04, 16:29This is so me. Thanks, Ade!
Mike
March 05, 13:45They say knowing is half the battle in that case, kudos. You’re doing alright.
The solution to your problem is self love, but self love doesn’t cure konji cause it was not designed too. Self love involves loving yourself enough to make the right choices for you. The thing with self-esteem is it directly correlates with our actions, the way we see and treat ourselves. FYI the reason you wank is not cause your lonely, nor is it cause you’re depressed to be exact, it’s cause you don’t feel and you crave to feel, sex is just a pale substitute. You need to feel better about yourself, start by making a few changes, me I would ditch the dough, for one reason only, he is just like you. The blind can not lead the blind, it’s obvious you both cannot fill each others hunger. Each time you demean yourself your psych takes counts. Making the decision to cut him off, cause you’re worth the right thing, makes you see you, in a better light, cause at the end of the day, it’s just you, about you and all you.
More queer friends won’t exactly solve your problem which probably might be, you’re not queer enough for your own taste. There is a reason why the word ‘GAY’ bears a close association with ‘happy or happiness’. If you were truly gay to the extent of your being, happiness is easy from there. More gay friends would probably just cloud your judgement and make your life muddy. One right gay friend is more than enough. Start by making a few changes to your life and personality you’d want to change. Happiness is free surprisingly cheap too, it just takes a decision.
Dear Ade, gay people get depressed too, even those in a healthy, fulfilling sex filled relationship. Depression is just the minds downswing for all that happy hormones, you’ve been receiving (dopamine). Wank less, cause the more you wank, the more dopamine is released, the more you’ll experience the downswing later. So why not go for the things that makes you happy, which is choosing you. Even while in a relationship, people watch porn and wank.
James
March 05, 16:46This is so me…..
mikky standard
March 06, 14:45such a huge relief to know am not alone in this struggle. mehnn ……this really defines me at least to some extent. laslas we go dey alright…
Vincent
March 08, 19:17I wish all of us that can so relate to this will come together and drink and cry and share our common problems and comfort one another.