Dear KD: I’m A Side Who Has A Boyfriend Who Is Insisting On Anal Sex
Guys, I need advice on this issue please.
I have always made it clear from the start anytime I chat with any potential romantic interest that I am not into anal sex. I currently have a boyfriend who always knew this, who is now pressuring me on the issue for us to have penetrative sex.
This relationship means a lot to me but I can’t stand the pain of anal sex. I even tried to explain to him that we all have different bodily metabolism and anal strengths, yada, yada. But he won’t have it and says I’m just not trying and wonders whether I love him enough.
What do I do please?
Submitted by Tomi
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38 Comments
Grr
January 27, 07:39He should be more understanding if he loves you.
Olaminrewaju
January 27, 08:07Hunnay? it isn’t love if he is forcing you to do what you aren’t comfortable with. And I thought we left labels and stereotypes in 2018?.
PS: this is the first time I am dropping a comment here after following for a while.
Leggggggg
January 27, 08:47Don’t say that sis, i just belive expectations are different when your dateing a person and when your in a relationship. the boyfriend might have thought “oh its cool maybe when we are in a relationship he would warm up to the thought of anal sex” now thats the hope for the boyfriend when it hasn’t happened yet he now thinks his boo doesn’t love him enough. Its not like the guy does not love his boo ? ?? He is just expecting that at some point it has to happen Ps he didn’t say force he said pressuring. Finally when pressuring turns to force, leave and don’t look back there aint no shit like ” the devil made me do it” or you “were just so sweet I couldn’t stop” dont let that man do that to you ok xo
ImAmazing
January 27, 08:17You can simply explain properly to him, but taking into consideration that he feels like he isn’t getting enough of you. If he cares, he would have to understand. But I don’t think Anal sex hurt if it’s being done right.
Lggg
January 27, 08:34This is a though one, what i will say is yall need to sit down and have a conversation with each other, let him know what he wants will hurt you physically and there is no getting around that. Another option is for you to get comfortable with the idea of bottoming. Get you some lube, some ointment, even poppers if you can get your hands on some and you could also train your bottie slowly and over time your ready for the big leages. This is not to say sex equals love cause that’s a whole stupid frame of thought but baby boy y’all are in a relationship the intimacy of sex is an added bonus and i know you told him that anal sex is a no no for you but you guys how long now something has got to give, u only have the two options, talk and hope he understands or give it a go for your sake and his because he might look elsewhere which is our number 2 fear. if its just the pain that is stopping you from getting down under, There are effective ways to lessen the pain and make the entire experience more pleasurable.
Francis
January 27, 08:48Dump the bitch or sit your ass through the pain of anal sex. Asking you to endure pain to please him is not love biko. I get that people want different things at different points in their life but sometimes we can’t have it all. If he wants anal sex badly and you can’t deliver but want to keep him around, you could give him passes to quench his thirst outside ?♂️?♂️?♂️
Yefa Clark
January 27, 09:53Pack up and go hunny, it makes no sense to hold unto something that would wound you. If a man loves you, he loves everything about you. If he is concerned about your well being, he wouldn’t want to put you at a precarious edge. Can’t you see it? He is selfish baby. If he absolutely knew he liked anal and you couldn’t fulfil that desire then why lead you on. It makes absolutely no sense. My pikin, pack your Kaya waka…..fish never finish for inside river. You might feel hurt for a while, but guess what, you would heal. There is a man for you out there????. Don’t sell yourself short. N.B by the time you keep refusing him anal, he would go looking for it, somewhere *else* . Las las, he would still hurt you.
Canis VY Majoris
January 27, 09:56It’s okay to say NO.
It’s okay to put yourself first.
It’s okay to not want anal sex.
Don’t be pressured into doing anything you’re not comfortable with.
Don’t be susceptible to manipulation under the guise of Love.
Stick to your resolve, if he’s truly meant to be with you; He’d Stay.
Otherwise, let him go.
Gaia
January 27, 10:12But have you considered fucking him? He wants anal sex abi? You must not be the one to take the D.
Pink Panther
January 27, 12:10????? This!!!
Bee
January 27, 17:15As I was scrolling, I was just waiting for who would say this. ?
Francis
January 27, 23:30?????????????
J
January 27, 11:11Dear, one step at a time. You have no right to deny your partner anal sex if he likes it, if you claim to love this person very well, then you should try to make sacrifices. Sacrifice is the essence of love.
Now anal sex could be very painful intially, but you have to take your time. Be very comfortable, relax, use lots of lube and a condom and always have enough toilet roll. Let him rim you, finger you, feel relaxed and comfortable. It mustn’t go smoothly, poo could be involved and a few embarrassing moments, let him wipe your ass like a baby, don’t be shy or turned off. If his penis is big, take it slowly, have sex regularly before you know you could be an expert… Watch gay sex videos, read more on bottoming, enjoy yourself and please your man. Don’t be too stingy with that ass when love is involved.
Delle
January 27, 11:54*takes the heap of this and dumps in an incinerator*
J
January 27, 11:58Shove it into your asshole instead ?
J
January 27, 12:06If you don’t like anal sex, meet someone with the same interest or ideology or let go. Or better still be a celibate or start experimenting with toys. When someone likes anal sex, you can’t trap them in your me this me that.
Delle
January 27, 12:12Please, before you click on ‘publish’ next time, read through your comment.
Did he force the guy into the relationship?
It’s totally exasperating that you’re making the other guy the victim and Tomi the culprit here.
TOMI says HE TOLD THE GUY FROM THE ONSET…so where’s the trap at? Or are you being dense on purpose?
J
January 27, 15:08I agree that I haven’t taken his first paragraph into consideration… I am not trying to take side with Tomi’s boyfriend or make Tomi a victim.
I feel most guys are just too scared of anal sex and it shouldn’t be so. I never thought I could be penetrated because I was so tight… I felt immense pain on the night I was disvirgined and it lasted for almost 24 hours. Since then I overcame my fear. If J can do it, you can do it too ? Not trying to pull your legs bro, stick to what works for you, because at end of the day your self -esteem is very important.
Pink Panther
January 27, 13:17Lol. This guy is unbelievable.
Francis
January 27, 23:32More like exasperating ?♂️?♂️?♂️
Black Dynasty
January 27, 15:58Don’t display your ignorance like this, go and read on what a side is before writing up comments like this.
Anal sex is not for everyone, period.
J
January 27, 17:06Everyone wants to prove something, someone can not have an opinion or give out a simple advice. Nigerian gays so sensitive and pompous. We can never have the same opinion gays, everyone should be express themselves.
Pink Panther
January 27, 18:42People can give advice, yes. People can have opinions, yes. But the issue is for those people to have as much information on the issue they are having the opinion of before mouthing off. You keep talking about this like the writer is just afraid of penetrative sex shows you don’t know anything about sides, hence the reference to your ignorance. Read about sides, then perhaps you’ll understand where you have been effing up.
J
January 27, 22:44Sometimes I wonder where Pinky stands. He gets blown by every wind. Is it some form of journalism? I really don’t understand. Sides like slides or shades ?
Pink Panther
January 28, 06:29If you could recognise steadfastness and not be such a flip-flop with your opinions, you’d know where I stand. But you’re too busy being butt-hurt to even recognise your own bullshit.
Black Dynasty
January 28, 04:22Exactly what I was trying to say.
Black Dynasty
January 28, 04:27It has nothing to do with being sensitive or pompous. It is however pertinent to read and expand your knowledge base before making comments that highlight your ignorance of a certain topic.
I do not claim to know everything, but i am humble enough to go do research on what I do not know.
There is a saying that goes “It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt.”… try to avoid doing that to yourself.
Delle
January 27, 12:08I like that you clearly stated before the relationship that penetrative sex is a no-no for you.
And before I proceed, I want to point something out:
I hate that a lot of us in here think PENETRATIVE SEX IS AN ESSENTIAL PART OF GAY RELATIONSHIPS.
It’s not. So not. Sex MAY be the cherry on the top, but for some it isn’t and that matters. And from interactions I’ve had with people who are Sides, I’ve come to understand that a lot just do not find sex (penetrative) appealing. No more, no less. It isn’t about the pain or discomfort for some, it just is.
That brings me back to you, Tomi.
That he had been told this before the relationship kickstarted, still went ahead with it and is now demanding this of you is totally off-putting. He has no rights, none whatsoever, to ask that you compromise when you’ve made it lucid you do not like it.
Why would he push that you displease yourself to please him? That’s selfish.
Why would he think to manipulate your feelings for his personal gratification? That’s not love.
Walk away from a manipulative guy. Run away from a pseudo-abusive relationship.
You have a right to a choice and you’ve chosen to be a Side.
Let the person coming into your life either deal with it or take a walk.
Omiete
January 27, 21:32I laughed at the part were he said don’t you love me, when I’m fact love is practically unnecessary in sex. Sex is a very basic desire, so basic that our privates doesn’t need to love the other privates to work so when people say this I laugh.
Black Dynasty
January 27, 16:04This sounds like a deal breaker to me. It’s simple, he was notified of your sexual preferences prior to the relationship and now he wants something else.
Men will eat outside when food isn’t being served at home. I truly understand the value of compromise in a relationship but there are certain barriers that should not be crossed.
You both need to sit down and have a clear discussion about this, then decide what’s best for both you.
E
January 27, 18:12Anal sex isn’t ‘impossible’ for anyone, it’s just uncomfortable for some people. And it is a blatant lie that some people just don’t like anal penetration, they just haven’t gotten comfortable doing it. The same type of nerve endings that are in your dick head are also in your prostate, so literally anyone can get pleasure from anal stimulation. These are just facts.
Smoke some weed and stop clenching, you’ll be alright lmao.
Pink Panther
January 27, 18:44So by this opinion of yours, there shouldn’t be bottoms or tops. Everyone should and can be versatiles, right?
Francis
January 27, 23:34@E coman hansa oh ????
Delle
January 27, 22:08Where’s the dustbin?
Black Dynasty
January 28, 04:32Ugh… please read the below article on sides.
https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_3082484
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/guys-on-the-side-looking-beyond-gay-tops-and-bottoms_b_3082484
ThroneOvSeth
January 30, 10:58Sounds like something a rapist would say to his victim.
AduResa
January 27, 18:30Role compatibility should be considered before fully committing into any relationship, it’s usually a matter of TIME before the rules would be expected to be bent in the name of LOVE and compromise.
Jhitzuz
February 02, 00:18Get up.
Find the door.
Get out.