DEAR TOP (aka The Ranting Of A Much Aggrieved Bottom)

Dear Top – yes, you, Mister Man

I will begin by saying two things.

First, you’re really not that good in bed.

Second, your dick isn’t even that big. Trust me, I’ve seen bigger – much bigger.

Now that that’s out of the way, let me get down to the meat of this letter (as it were).

I’m tired, I mean, really, really fucking exhausted – not of the over-enthusiastic pounding I was subjected to at our last rendezvous, but of, well, everything. I mean, if we were in any form of an actual relationship, this would be the point where I would call it quits, pack up my underwear, pick up my toothbrush from your dingy bathroom and move out. But since we are not, and because I really can’t imagine having an actual conversation about this stuff, I am writing this in the hopes that you eventually read it.

So on to the matter.

I am tired (I know I’ve said this before, but bear with me). It’s really hard to be gay in Nigeria. We all know this. We are oppressed, maligned, victimized, and driven to exist in some weird limbo on the fringes of the society. Sadly, we can’t all be Bobrisky and exist – and flourish – in the full glare of the public eye. Some of us just want to live our lives, be happy, and most importantly, fuck whomsoever we want, in peace. When you also consider the many problems that come with being a Nigerian resident in Nigeria, it suddenly becomes clear why most of us gay people are stinking piles of hot shit mentally.

In light of all this, one would assume that as an oppressed people, a chosen race, a people set apart (heh), we would come together to form an impervious support structure, rolling forth to quash the nonentity that is homophobia.

But no. Instead we have decided to break ourselves up even more into various classes and sub-classes. I mean, why can’t we all just be happy elements of the rainbow?

In the search for ever more equitable representation, modern society insists on classifying and categorizing everything, and this craze has been extended to the LGBTQAGRHJIB (you see?) community. Everyone wants a say and everybody should have a voice, but the entire exercise becomes entirely pointless when we begin to think that our voices should be heard above the voices of others because, for some vaguely defined reason, we are better than they are.

The Bible says – or rather, I should say the Church says that gay people are all going to Hell. I’m not going to debate this sentiment, but it stands to reason that since we have all been lumped together for a journey to eternal damnation, we should try to at least be reasonable (I’m not even bold enough to hope for pleasantness) to one another. This generally entails treating every gay person everywhere with a certain level of humaneness and propriety (except of course for those who are generally unpleasant, some niggas be bitches). Chauvinism, the assorted phobias and heteronormativity should be left to the heterosexual community. It’s even weird that in a community like ours that seeks to overturn some of the most basic features of normal society, we still manage to import an annoyingly large portion of the things that make being straight such a bother anyway.

I am gay. I am Bottom. I get off by having stuff – preferably dicks – up my ass. It feels really good. Get used to it.

Let me say it again: I am Bottom, that is, a man who favours dick in his ass – emphasis on man. This doesn’t mean that you, the owner of the aforementioned penis, is in any way better than I am. It also doesn’t mean that I am in any way (trust me, I’ve thought about this) interested in being a woman or want to be treated like one. Keep your “baby girl” and “you’re my bitch” endearments to yourself. Better still, save it for the unfortunate female you pose with in public. And don’t even start with the “Yeah, I’m bi” speech. Honestly I don’t particularly care about your unresolved issues, and flaunting your girls won’t make me respect you any more or think less about myself. I’m done with that.

Let me share a story. I once went for a hookup with a guy I met online, in a 2go room (please don’t judge). Lo and behold, when we got into this dude’s room, he decided to launch his foreplay by giving me a lecture on how it wasn’t right for me to be Bottom since I am Igbo. According to him, bottoming is exclusively for Nigerians from other ethnicities (Shola, I’m not even looking at you), since it’s such a submissive role.

“E dey turn man to woman,” this pseudo-intellectual 2go hookup said.

I think it was a favourable measure of my acting skills (and general konji level) that I didn’t just stand up, slap him into oblivion and walk out. After this speech, the same guy went on to extract a rather shabby-looking prick from the confines of his underpants and moved to start dicking me – me, the Igbo man who is not supposed to bottom. Suffice it to say that that I never saw him again.

Add this to the several comments about Bottoms and their role in the gay community. “Bottoms should not jump from man to man, it makes them sluts.” “Bottoms should settle down when they find a man and not be so thirsty all the time.” And then, the one I hear often said to me which is usually intended (I hope) to be flattering: “You don’t look like a Bottom.”

Comments like these are irritating at best.

You might read this and laugh. You’re obviously not the guy in the story (and if he’s reading this, I hope he has gotten some sense finally). But the fact is that you do this. A LOT! If not all the time. Speaking personally, I’m a rather big guy (general size, not dick size, unfortunately) and by some quirk of chance, I’m almost always bigger than the guys I hook up with. I’m also that Bottom who would rather just hold you down on the bed while riding you to ecstasy. While there are some Bottoms who are submissive and get off on the whole domination drama, I am not one of them. And I’m sure I speak for a large percentage of Bottoms when I say that I prefer my sex to be mutually dominant and submissive, sometimes aggressive, some other times gradual and paced. Not every time, we be forming pneumatic drill in the name of amateur pornstar. This really isn’t fun for most of us, just so you know. But hey, shout-out to all the Power Bottoms.

As Bottoms, we (of course) love Tops – most of the time. But it sucks to be underappreciated. For instance, do you know the amount of stress involved in prepping for a good romp in the sack? Douching is not a joke, and yet when things go bad . . . honestly, what’s a little paint between lovers? Shit happens. Literally! Don’t make a big deal out of it. You’re the one who decided to stick his dick in someone’s butthole; what exactly where you expecting to find in there (other than an orgasm)? It’s really irritating when you decide to behave like it’s the first time you’ve ever seen something unpleasant.

Also, you need to learn how to fuck. There’s more to sex than slipping your penis in and drilling away. There’s much more to good sex than pawing at my body parts and just pounding in and out. You need to remember that porn isn’t real; it’s not even close to reality. And some of the things those people do can be really, really unpleasant in real life. You should make some effort to understand when you are giving pleasure and when you are causing pain. A butthole is not a pussy.

Repeat after me: A BUTTHOLE IS NOT A PUSSY.

Think about that. Mull it over. Savor it in your mind. Human anatomy places certain constraints on all of us, and in as much as we hope otherwise, certain considerations have to be made. Take for example, the importance of lube and general lubrication. You can never have too much lube. NEVER! So when the Bottom pauses your thrusting and tells you to add more lube, do not give an irritated sigh as if he’s been inconvenient. ADD MORE FUCKING LUBE!

Let me reiterate. It’s hard to be gay. It’s harder to be Bottom, or be effeminate or trans or anything that’s not remotely masculine or macho, especially since most Tops have decided to deceive themselves into thinking that their sexual role is a testament of their masculinity.

If you are wondering why I am so triggered about all this, remember the following:

First, bottoming is painful. It takes a real man (argue with your testosterone abeg) to take that pain. It’s annoying when we have to take slack from boys who shudder at the mere thought of a finger up their asses.

Second, you don’t need to bring others down to feel better about yourself. In the eyes of the society you seek to obtain validation from, you are already in the wrong. You are a man who likes other men. Let that be enough. Don’t go about looking for ways to raise yourself above these other men that you like and are pursuing.

Third, imagine a gay community without Bottoms. Take the time to actively picture this and think about it. Now think of a world where all you have to do to get off is to jerk off. Does that seem like a fun picture to you? I don’t think so.

Be wise. Appreciate a Bottom today.

Yours faithfully,

Willy Wanna