Mans eyes openIt was a normal Monday evening for me. I was making my way to the bank to deposit into the mother’s account the sum of fifty thousand naira I had carefully concealed in my wallet and carried around all day, the same money that had made me give a wide berth to anyone who mistakenly came a tad too close for comfort. The money was the proceeds from a small transaction I had carried out on my mother’s behalf and I knew she would not be too pleased if it went unaccounted for.

The journey to the bank saw me cross the ever-busy main road and walk into the bank closest to my residence. However, on getting there, I was greeted with the notice that the state government had ordered a closure of every organisation to enable people collect their permanent voters’ card.

Oh no, I groaned. The government just knew exactly how to put a wrench on things. I really at this point had no choice but to make the journey back home. I had barely taken a few steps, when my phone vibrated. It was Stanley calling, an old flame that never did work out. From time to time though, we hooked up for no-strings-attached sex. It had been almost six months since we were last in touch though.

I picked the call, and with the traces of annoyance still etched in my voice, I bellowed into the phone, “Hello.”

“Wow,” Stanley replied. “Na so? I didn’t expect that much hostility.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m just having a bad day. What’s up?”

“Well, sorry about your day, but I was around your area and I think I saw you pass me in a hurry a few seconds back.”

“Oh don’t mind me, Stanley. I was rushing to the bank, but they decided today was the best day to shut down their services.”

“Oh, ok. Anyway, I am under the almond tree sha, come say hi to mummy.”

I had to laugh in spite of myself. One reason I wasn’t always keen on seeing Stanley was that he had an annoying habit of being extra blatant about his sexuality. Various times when we walked down the road, he would pick a call from a friend, and in his extremely loud voice, proceed to regale the caller with lurid descriptions of his sexcapades, not minding the curious stares he – and invariably, I – got.

Anyway, I hurried down to the tree of rendezvous and met him. He was looking fabulous in the tiniest flaming red bum short I had ever seen a guy wear, and a nice Ankara print shirt to go with it. After we exchanged pleasantries, he told me how bored he had been lately. In his words, he’d been unable to find a pretty good hook-up to clean the cobwebs from his mangina. Well, as the Good Samaritan that I am, I offered to do the honours. And he was more than happy to oblige.

We boarded the next vehicle to his house, and it was only when I was comfortably seated inside the bus that I remembered that I was with hard currency. A small voice told me that this was the perfect setup to lose money mysteriously, but the brain between my legs drowned out every other voice.

Stanley kept on chatting incessantly about his most recent shags, oh and boy, did he tell the details. I kept nudging him when he let out a not-too-subtle hint within the crowded bus that he’d had sex with a guy, but he either chose to ignore me, or he was starting to enjoy the attention the other passengers were starting to give him too much to care. We eventually got to his bus stop and proceeded to his house, where I met his elder sister Tamara, and her boyfriend. This must have been a new catch because the guy was not the one I met when I visited the last time. Stanley and his sister were the only ones at home, and hence, had the house all to themselves for the week. Tamara and her guy were soon inside her bedroom, while I – having decided to stay the night – quickly undressed.

Stanley was quicker than me, and it wasn’t long before we fell into each other’s arms in his room. And for the next several minutes, we thoroughly worked ourselves out. It was almost 10pm when we lay exhausted on the bed, spent from the rigours of lovemaking. My penis was extremely satiated for the time being, but I knew it would rise again at short notice to the promise of free ass.

And just then, I remembered the money left in my wallet in my jeans left pocket. Nearly gasping out loud, I ran naked to the sitting room to get it. I returned to the room and quickly counted the money to make sure it was complete. I noticed that while I was doing this, Stanley was staring at me, his eyes bugging out of their sockets.

“What is that money for?” he asked then.

“Actually, none of your business,” I replied before proceeding to keep the money in the innermost recesses of my jeans pocket. I wasn’t taking any chances. Then I put on the jeans before lying down to sleep.

“Ahn-ahn, what are you doing?” Stanley asked, suddenly aggressive. “Why are you sleeping in your jeans? Abeg take them off.”

Yeah, I thought, well it would be easier to get a dick out of a honeyed pussy than it would take to get me to take these off. I’d been a victim of pilfering gay guys a couple of times in the past, and even if I had no reason to believe Stanley would steal from me, I simply decided it would be best to err on the side of caution.

We both slept off, and the next morning, I woke to find my bed partner sullen-faced. I didn’t say anything to him concerning his mood while I showered and dressed up. However, as I was about brushing my hair, he suddenly blurted, “You are too wicked sef. After you fucked me anyhow, you can’t even give me at least ten thousand naira? I saw all the money in your wallet, and yes, I tried to steal it while you were asleep, but you kept it too far for me. Next time don’t come back here o. I have had enough. Wicked people.” And he hissed.

I was shell shocked for a few seconds before I realized that I’d had enough too. And I walked out of his house in a hurry to get me and my mother’s money to safety.

Written by Obatala

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BEFORE THE HOOK-UP The seed for the hookup is sown, and here we are, anticipating and chatting on WhatsApp. Him: I can’t wait for this to finally go down. Me:


  1. Samaurai
    November 21, 04:17 Reply

    Enough indeed.
    Stanley was the one who invited you to fuck him anyhow. And yet he is getting long-throat for money he knows nothing about all because he saw money.
    Some bottoms sef.

      • Ace
        November 21, 14:20 Reply

        Errm… sorry to break your bubbles, but more top guys have asked me for money than bottoms. So when you want to throw that “bottom shade” please don’t generalize.

    • Mrs Macaulay
      November 21, 07:12 Reply

      What has being a bottom got to do with it?

      So greed and maybe stealing is exclusive to bottoms?

      The kind of things people say sef

  2. Kryss S
    November 21, 05:00 Reply

    “I was shell shocked for a few seconds before I realized that I’d had enough too. And I walked out of his house in a hurry to get me and my mother’s money to safety”.

    Lol! U better have enough oh bcos d character of Stanley can steal ur money nd out a worm from his hole. He is too obvious. Red bumshort? *smh*

    He is just a bitching Bitch! He is one who is meant to pay cos actually asked for d sex! 10k keh! Ashewo kobo kobo!

    Nice Read Obatala!

  3. Mr Bassey
    November 21, 05:31 Reply

    What a hoe-bag,…..you don’t wanna play with mummy dearest money…you will so pay. Nice one bro.

  4. Masked Man
    November 21, 06:03 Reply

    Ah! 10k bawo. Biko biko. I’ve had enough too.
    Stanley na longer throat oh. After free ‘black mamba’, you still want money.

  5. daniel
    November 21, 06:36 Reply

    Lmao!!! Some of us r so funny mehn!!!!
    Getting money anyhow is making people terrible..

  6. Christopher B!
    November 21, 06:56 Reply

    I avoid Stanley’s type of guys like a plague… too effeminate, too out and too loud. Those types can blow the whistle on you with just their appearance.

    • Mrs Macaulay
      November 21, 07:14 Reply

      Too effeminate? Too loud? Too out?

      Rolls eyes from India to indonesia

      The kind of discrimination we have amongst ourselves is sickening! And we complain about homophobia?

  7. Metrosexual
    November 21, 07:11 Reply

    Hahahahah…… At least he blurted something out… Some wld go ahead and set you up to get the entire cash to themselves.

  8. Mrs Macaulay
    November 21, 07:11 Reply

    Wait Obatala this happened last week am sure because collection of voter card is still on going!


    Thirsty Much

  9. enKayced
    November 21, 07:13 Reply

    10k hehehee!
    That is a very expensive fuck o!
    Una no dey try o *shedding hot crocodile tears*
    You guys knew I have been incarcerated with oversized dicks and bloated balls in NYSC camp in Delta state since the last 2 and half weeks yet nobody asked how my chastity, sanity and peace of mind has been holding up…
    Anyway, my POP is on Monday and I’m on parade. Please wish me luck y’all.
    For those interested in details, pinky can pass my detail to concerned parties!

    • Dennis Macauley
      November 21, 07:17 Reply

      Honestly I thot of you a few days ago, and you did not get across to me again concerning the NYSC posting. I guess you took care of it.

      You will survive camp, we all did!

  10. FKA Chizzie
    November 21, 07:42 Reply

    Giving bottoms everywhere a bad name…

    PSA : I have a big bum…I am sexually attractive and I dont ask for or except money after a shag.

    • Mrs Macaulay
      November 21, 07:46 Reply


      One would think a “smart ass” would know the difference!

      • Peak
        November 21, 09:08 Reply

        Shots fired!……….lol Mama M is not in her usual rosy mood today!

        Dennis you better not be ve a hand in this cloudy mood!

      • Deola
        November 21, 09:29 Reply

        The shades…the shades.

      • FKA Chizzie
        November 21, 09:51 Reply

        Common sense should tell you what I meant by that…but seeing as common sense isnt exactly common these days…

    • Dennis Macauley
      November 21, 09:12 Reply

      @Peak I swear I don’t know what is going on! I’m walking on egg shells around here!

      • Peak
        November 21, 09:41 Reply

        Lol………..dennis may be its that time of the month.

        I speak the spirit of Victoria greyson BACK into your right now Mrs M.
        We can’t have you loosing ur cool and having ur claws out!
        Being classy is a major part of ur Brand biko. We won’t accept anything less

      • Mrs Macaulay
        November 21, 10:26 Reply

        @Peak! Sweetheart I am just having a Vivica Fox moment!

        Victoria Grayson will soon be back!


    • Mrs Macaulay
      November 21, 10:24 Reply

      Oh sweetheart don’t loose sleep over it! You are so full of common sense that you mixed up simple english words! Which is quite ironical for someone that thrives on obsessive narcissism! But then again Its okay hun! It happens!

      Your fingers always let us see the true you! Which is why I love them!


      • Khaleesi
        November 21, 10:46 Reply

        Osheeee!!!! Claps hand and dances around the gaybourhood … the claws are out, which queen will emerge triumphant?

      • FKA Chizzie
        November 21, 15:26 Reply

        I think the right term would be “ironic” but seeing as u r a mechanic..il let it pass. But I must ask, why the sudden interest in my comments…its almost obsessive and in all honesty u r coming across as lame.. Surely there should be cars that need fixing or are things particularly slow at the automechanic’s this time of the year, that my comments have become the highlight of ur day.?

        Speaking of fingers, hopefully u wash urs thoroughly before u settle down and ponder witty ways to get back at chizzie, Mechanics aren’t exactly known for clean fingers…or clean anything for that matter.

  11. iduke
    November 21, 08:24 Reply

    I can’t wait for a series on the lives of kdsians to air on E! Ms macaulay forgive me darling ur ever young. No Mrs for u abeg. N chizziw will make the cat fight on some shows stop n watch. Khaleesi should be Kim, she would always wanna break the Internet and probably have a 3 some with the macaulays. Pinky would be Joan rivers ( godblesshersoul) dissing out the drama winks. And I’d love to be terrence. Just thinking of him gives me enough thirst. Enkayced I have frnds in delta camp, some mentees tho

  12. AC/DC
    November 21, 08:29 Reply

    Most of you here are prostitutes.
    What’s the difference between six and half a dozen.
    See all of them screaming ashawo, ashawo kobo .
    As if if they give them money they won’t collect.

    • Khaleesi
      November 21, 10:48 Reply

      Oh bitch plzzz… pull it together sista! We dont need your poison around here this fine friday!

  13. lluvmua
    November 21, 09:30 Reply

    Lol , ROTFL ,lmao and iduke plz I would like to be kourtney n dat ur show ooo *winks*

  14. iduke
    November 21, 11:14 Reply

    Iluvmua darling. Go ahead. Ur kourtney. Just don’t bring Steve in here #winks

  15. Ace
    November 21, 14:31 Reply

    With respect to extremely fem guys, please you might want to turn down “diva mode” a notch lower in public. I am very ok with it in private and around guys of like mind. But when in public view, for your own safety, do well to keep calm. And for the greedy guy, well that would be our last fuck.

    P.s pinky be like say my story no dey worthy of print shey?

    • pinkpanthertb
      November 21, 14:47 Reply

      Um, email me to remind me again which piece is yours and I’ll tell you where it stands.

  16. Max
    November 21, 16:33 Reply

    Nawao, all these shade throwing today… And I wasn’t even around to witness it… Its fun to read though.. Got me cracking up here… Would’ve loved to reply some, but I’m just gonna let sleeping dogs lie…

  17. Samaurai
    November 21, 19:13 Reply

    I wonder when SOME became the classical word used for generalisations. Before u guys attack someone, try and see and understand what the person is saying.

    I was definitely talking about Stanley. And secondly, some bottoms demand money after sex. Even if some tops do it, it doesn’t mean that some bottoms don’t do it. So I don’t know what is so offensive about what I said: “some bottoms sef”.

    Maybe I struck a wrong chord on your guitars. I won’t apologise about that. Because there is nothing wrong with: “some bottoms sef.”

    I expect, and I’m ready for, more attacks.
    Thank you.

    • s_sensei
      November 21, 23:53 Reply

      What else did you “cock”?
      Your samurai sword…..

      • Samaurai
        November 22, 03:03 Reply

        The above statement doesn’t make you sound witty. It does the exact opposite. Pitiable, indeed.

        • pinkpanthertb
          November 22, 03:11 Reply

          Oh come on, Samurai. Do you have to be so grouchy. He was trying to be funny, to lighten up the atmosphere.

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