GOOD ENOUGH. JUST NOT FOR ME
He has told me to stop communicating with him, especially via text messages and phone calls.
This I respect and have kept to, without any grudge.
I met Nonso on Facebook in 2010. In fact, he sent me a friend request and was the first to engage me in a chat. I wasn’t seeing anyone at that time, and I wasn’t interested in getting into anything of any kind with anyone.
But somehow, Nonso was able to get my attention, because I gave it to him. For some specific reasons. Foremost being that we met at a point in my life when I was having some serious critical personal/personality crisis.
I found strength again. I found acceptance. I found comfort and succor. I loved him so much and still do, but I have never seen myself sexually attracted to him. It was more of a platonic friendship to me and nothing else.
But Nonso had his own desires of course, which he didn’t reveal to me. He didn’t make it obvious even in our chats. Everything changed when I went to see him in Port Harcourt after visiting my aunt in Aba.
He had grown to trust me so much that he sent me money to help him buy stuff in Onitsha, and then send to him in Port Harcourt. There was even a time he sent me money to buy a phone and send to him. I bought the phone and when I asked for the address I’m supposed to send it to, he told me the phone was for me.
He was good to me.
So, I went to visit him in Port Harcourt, and after we came home from his office, which was where I met him, he grabbed me from behind as I was undressing. He was totally hard.
I was shocked. I’d never for once seen him in that light, never thought of him as someone I would ever get sexual with. I quickly recoiled from him, and chuckled to defuse whatever awkwardness might arise from my physical rejection of him.
That night, everything changed.
I knew it was going to thenceforth be a compromised journey of friendship. I can’t give in sexually to anyone whom I am not emotionally or romantically drawn to. They say it’s what demisexuals do.
He didn’t make any more attempts to have sex with me until I left.
Afterwards, he became verbal with his sexual intent, began making sex related jokes and talking about the things he would do to me when we meet again. It was a confusing situation for me. I didn’t want to lose my friendship with him, but I didn’t want to compromise myself and give in to him sexually just because he’d been good to me.
When this started, I was still a Christian. He was a staunch Christian.
Then, when I left Christianity and became social media-verbal and unflinching about my stance on my sexual orientation, he felt harassed by my outspokenness. He pleaded with me from time to time to tone down my social media presence. I refused. I had been denied for years the opportunity to speak about how I felt, and I wasn’t going to pull back now, not for him, not over someone else’s fears.
As a result, he started disassociating with me on social media, but still kept his communication alive with me.
Then he got married.
Early last year, a few months after I met my boyfriend, Nonso flew into Lagos after one of his trips to China and asked me to come see him. I went to see him.
That evening, he admitted to me how he’d been in love with me for over eight years, but didn’t know how to tell me about it. I told him I had figured that out, adding very kindly that I didn’t feel the same way about him. I told him I wasn’t sexually attracted to him.
He was broken completely.
That night, I realized what people can do for others out of pity. I also realized that anything done out of pity, no matter how good the intentions are, is wrong. Especially if it is not what your heart prescribes.
I wished I could compromise and at least “compensate” him for all his kindness to me. But I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried to reason myself into it. I have a boyfriend, who I love madly. Of course, whatever I let myself do with Nonso that night would most likely never get back to my boyfriend, but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
So, I told Nonso I had to leave. I didn’t want to spend the night in his hotel room. I didn’t want to put both of us in a position that nothing good could possibly come out of. He got up and locked the door. He was visibly hard. He came to me, held me and tried to kiss me. I pushed back. Gently. I didn’t want to make him feel bad, as if he wasn’t good enough.
Because he was good enough. Just not for me.
He begged. “Let me feel you, just once, and you can go,” he pleaded.
I refused, my eyes filling with tears. “No,” I maintained.
There was nothing he didn’t try that night, but all to no avail. I wasn’t turned on and I wasn’t giving in.
He finally let me go, opened the door, gave me the shoes and bag he brought me from China. He was clearly hurting. I refused. I thanked him but refused the gifts. He begged me to have it. He said I was still his friend, even though he wished for more.
I kept thinking about his wife and son. I was also thinking about the man I’m in love with.
“I’m sorry but I can’t,” I said, and then walked out of the room, my heart heavy and sad.
He followed after me, persistent, the big white nylon bag containing the gifts in his hand. I eventually took them, hugged him and went home.
We haven’t talked much since then. After all, he has told me to stop communicating with him. And I respect his need for distance and have kept to his wishes without any grudge.
Written by Excalibur
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29 Comments
Sim
April 14, 05:59I think both of you took a good decision, actually the best available option. If I were Nonso, I would block u and move on primarily cus his intentions were never platonic but a romantic relationship.
While you, also need to forget he ever exist. I believe you did the right thing, choosing not to fuck out of pity. I would have fucked shall..
trystham
April 14, 07:24IKR. Prick sha
Orion
April 14, 06:08Sigh.. This life is fucking complicated!
Kelvin
April 14, 06:27Well, since you identified as demisexual is quite understanding. As for me I would get down with nonso but the fact I have a boyfriend, would give me a second thought.
Black Dynasty
April 14, 08:27I can genuinely relate, if the attraction is not there, it just can’t happen. #demisexual too.
Audrey
April 14, 21:27Everybody suddenly now identifies as a Demisexual…Wetin Musa no go see for gate?
KryxxX
April 14, 09:09And I had Mariah Carey’s “Always be my baby” playing while reading this. ????.
Today just had to start with sadness all over my internet clicks.
I refuse to be sad. ???.
Taul
April 14, 09:16Erm, does anybody know another Nonso that can get me shoes, cloths and a phone from China? ?
Gozie
April 14, 11:53I swear your case pass TB Joshua!
I need too sha ????
Bushbaby
April 14, 21:46I’m on this queue o!
Before he says jack, I’ll throw my legs into the air.
Illiana
April 14, 12:04I can totally relate with you. I’m demisexual too. Sad story.
Malik
April 14, 13:45You did the right thing for both of you. I may not have had as much willpower as you though, especially in the hotel room. But I’m proud of you for dodging several months of regret.
DBS
April 14, 16:15He didn’t try.. he just couldn’t. It’s what Demisexuals do.
Sworld
April 14, 16:32Life is so unfair. those that we LOVE doesn’t want us or pretend to be INLOVE with us @ d end back to heartbreak n Zero. while those that we don’t love want us so badly!.
“inu aiye yii noni”.
Eddie
April 14, 18:31Good for you ?
I’d have allowed him to have a” pity fuck”….for old times sake.
I’m that kinda guy lol
Tan
April 15, 00:01You are just wicked, demisexual ko, fullsexual ni. There is something called communication and it entails describing all your idiosyncrasies to your friend/partner.
You played him big time. You capitalize on his weak point, loving u.
If u really had an atom of love for him, you would have spelt it out to him from the onset that you only wanted a platonic relationship, no, u had ulterior motives.
Karma awaits u, madam demisexual.
Long hisssssss
Excalibur
April 16, 02:27I loved him. And still do, and not having sex with him doesn’t mean I don’t love him.
I never played him. Fortunately, he knows this and understands perfectly.
Thanks for airing your thoughts though.
Excalibur
April 16, 02:28I don’t believe in karma.
And stop being bitter. It isn’t your experience.
Danny Gospel
June 12, 21:39Abi ooo, it’s not his experience and his just overreacting
Maycakes
April 15, 00:57Sworld darling u said it all…. Aiye le oooo
Sworld
April 15, 09:49My dear, I would rather be with someone that loves me. but him dey collect gift anyhow, you dey meet up for hotel, you no wan do con dey claim demisexual. what did you except after gifts? Orishirishi, be acting smart there!
Dimkpa
April 15, 05:31I am sorry but there is an element of naivete running through this post that I can’t deal with. Either that or you led him on, none of which is a good look. A guy you know is into guys, chats you up on Facebook, buys you gifts, is good to you and in your mind, you think it is platonic or just for friendship. What friend goes about buying phones for his friends? How many have you bought for your friends?
You seem surprised he has desires as if he is made of wood. Like it is unheard of for a guy who finds you attractive to want to have sex with you. You thought of it as platonic, did you tell him this at the onset? Did you disclose your identity as a demisexual so that he would decide whether to continue or not.
He invites you to his place and you go, please tell me what you thought he was inviting you for? To gaze upon your lovely face or to play oga?
I don’t buy all this demisexual talk. Are you genuinely saying that you have never hooked up randomly with someone or just had a one off sex when you were horny?
I like simple explanations and I think you liked his gifts but probably did not find him good looking enough. You played him and I think you should admit it.
You made a big show of not compromising and having sex because of your principles and your boyfriend. I know you should not feel pressured to have sex with anyone but then why go to a hotel room to visit a guy you know wants to have sex with you? That is just wrong and leads me to conclude you were after something else.
I have seen a lot of posts here from people claiming to be sides, asexuals and now demisexual. It is all fine and good. What I don’t understand is when the same people then get into a situation with a guy who clearly isn’t one and then expect him to deny himself the pleasure of sex just to be with them. It baffles me. Sex is important in any relationship and if you’re not prepared for or inclined to it, then it is worth saying this from the onset. It would save a lot of time for everyone involved. Don’t go getting a guy all excited, leave him high and dry, then come here to tell stories that touch the heart.
Colossus
April 16, 00:08????????
Ohamadike
April 17, 08:12My dear you just said all.
Bliss
November 22, 13:03Dimkpa, this is my first Reading a comment from yhu..
Yhu have just explained and elaborate everything, welsha is a lesson to all..
Air yhu intention from the start
Deen
April 25, 15:57Your comment..Thanks for that excellent piece Dimkpa. I’m with you on this. The Nonso guy, i feel for him. It’s not taken well if told that you are found unattractive by someone who you think will never hurt you.
Lopez
April 15, 07:20Dimpka, applause for you. You’ve said it all
Eddie
April 15, 10:35Lol @ Dimkpa
Tasty
April 19, 17:02Thank you Dimpka… I love you Jare….