I Am Attracted to Men, Not ALL Men

Dear Straight Friend,

We need to talk. I believe there has been a misunderstanding, one which I must now correct.

The other day, I told you I am gay. It was one of the bravest things I’d ever done. I opened up myself to you this way because I valued your friendship and figured it was time for you to know the true me.

But, boy, did I peg you wrong. After my revelation, I noticed that you began avoiding me. You had an excuse for every time I wanted us to hang out. And our chatversations became a tedium of monosyllabic responses and stilted conversations.

I began to think I’d lost you to the culture-fueled and religion-driven homophobia that is prevalent amongst heterosexual Nigerians.

Then I saw your comments on that Facebook post that was attacking gay men, an update whose owner was lambasting gay men for sliding into his inbox and pestering him with their unsolicited desires. That poster was a douche bag. But his post – and your comments – made me realize just what your problem with me is.

I understand now that for some reason, you think I told you I’m gay as a way of revealing that I want you. I suspect strongly that you think that by telling you about my sexuality, you believe I have exposed myself as someone who is attracted to you and wants to get into your pants.

Dear friend, that is as far from reality as Africa is far from being a first world continent. And every time you believe that I – who have had nothing but brotherly affection for you since we became close friend – would suddenly want to get into your pants, all you are doing is tar your mind with ignorance.

Let me let you in on a little secret.

Just as you’d expect that not every heterosexual woman will be attracted to you, it is the same way you shouldn’t expect that every homosexual man will be attracted to you, if any. You have to get over yourself. Yes, I am gay. Yes, I am attracted to men. But no, I’m not attracted to all men. Heck, I’m not even attracted to all gay men. Therefore, avoiding me because I opened up to you and you suddenly think I may want to have sex with you is ridiculous.

But don’t get me wrong; I love sex, but I don’t do it with just anyone. The fact that you have a dick isn’t enough for every gay man to want you. The sexual nature of gay men vary, and in much the same way you have straight men who are drawn to different things about a woman’s body, that is how you get gay men who want different things on a man’s body. You don’t guarantee every gay man’s attraction simply because you have a dick. Not all gay men are into dicks. And your ass? Take it from me, not all gay men want to stick their penises into somebody’s ass.

I also feel slightly insulted that your prompt reaction to me being honest with you was to dismiss me as a sexual being. There is more to being gay than having sex. This of course will be shocking to you considering that every portrayal of gay men is the stereotype of us being promiscuous. But I have sat with you, listened to you talk about the girl from your neighborhood, Ada, with the lovingness of a young man who seeks to be with her beyond the sex. I have heard you talk about how she makes you feel like you two are meant to be together.

Gay men also feel that strongly for other men. Gay men also look for men who they are meant to be together with.

It is unfortunate that we in the gay community haven’t done a great job of showing these meta-sexual aspects of our sexuality, but there is a reason for that. In a country where same sex loving is considered as much a crime as murder or theft, if not more, we are forced to hide in the shadows and make do with the evanescent pleasures of frivolous sex. This isn’t the life we choose or want; it is the card we’re dealt with by the circumstances of societal conditioning. In a more tolerant society, the one that doesn’t look oddly at two men holding hands in public, you would have gay men being as open with their love for their significant others as you straight people are.

I would like to think I have given you a better understanding of me as a sexual person, but I have to consider that your aversion to me is rooted in deeper soil. Maybe it’s not just that you think I want to get with you. Maybe it’s more than that. Maybe it comes from the myopic view Nigerians have of sex, and how gay sex is even worse for it. Perhaps it’s because your eyes see through the frosted lenses of religion that seeks to magnify the sexual experiences of those you don’t understand as greater iniquities than yours.

But how can you diminish the grievousness of your sexual experiences using your religious beliefs which finds both mine and yours equally condemnable? Every time you fucked Gloria from the customer care centre, did you think the angels in Heaven were scoring you based on how many orgasms you gave her? Every time you canoodled with Angelica, when she would let you after believing your lies about sharing your future with her, did you not consider that someone on the Most High was erasing your name from the Book of Life? When Yemi, your girlfriend from years ago, got pregnant and you encouraged her to abort it, do you not see how you became an accomplice to the sin of murder? When you subsequently fucked her sister, Shola, because you wanted her to find out and be so hurt, she’d dump you, do you not see how that makes you the sort of human being God doesn’t want in Heaven?

And yet, for every one of these sexual atrocities, do you not see how ridiculous it would be if you thought that my “sin” of sleeping with my fellow man makes me more tainted and hell-bound than you?

You see, dear friend, we are all chasing happiness at the end of the day and I don’t think that either of us should define what happiness should or shouldn’t be for the other person.

So, when I told you I was gay, I wasn’t sending a subliminal message that I was interested in you. You’re really not my type. I only told you about my sexuality because I value your place in my life – a value I’m going to have to rethink if you don’t get over yourself soon. Being gay is a difficult thing for any homosexual person to deal with, especially in a country as homophobic as Nigeria. So, please don’t make it any harder by making me think I made a mistake the day I decided to let you in.

I hope that after reading this, when you see me again, you’d draw my attention with your loud “Ei! My guy!” And we can talk and laugh and punch each other just like we have been doing since we were teenagers.

I hope to see you soon.

Yours Sincerely,

The ARTivist