“I AM BISEXUAL.” AN OPEN LETTER TO MY GIRLFRIEND

Dear Es,

The first thing you should know is that I am Bisexual.

That means I get attracted to both the male and female gender. It also means I have the capability to fall in love with both male and female.

You should also know that I don’t consider this to be ugly. I have gone from hating myself, to hating others and back to hating myself, before I discovered not just how beautifully fortunate I am to be open to love in ways “normal” humans can’t, but how mentally powerful it is for people like me who are androgynous (I recently found out we are the smartest) to be supra humans. I don’t consider this demonic because, as you know, my mother is a pastor and I have let myself undergo every possible type of deliverance to come to a conclusion that there is no god, and all those things I went through were just charades to defraud my spiritually-obedient mother. However, if there is a god, he made it clear to me that changing my sexuality is not his top priority.

I also do not consider my sexuality a phase. That would be deceiving myself because I have always known, right from the beginning, that I am different.

Nigeria and my family would never accept this part of me. The last thing I want is for my mother to find out because I don’t want her to hurt – maybe not now. I understand it when people judge me or my kind; I don’t hate them. I just don’t blame them. It is what they have been taught right from the beginning. Humans are also threatened by anything different from the status quo ante. For this reason, and many others, I decided that my sexuality is no one’s business and who I fall in love with is my business alone. I’m not afraid of being free and letting the world know who I really am, but if I am to do that, it has to be on my own terms and fueled by my love for the world. I would hate to come out through someone else’s prejudice towards me – which is the only thing most people feel towards my kind. Know that I can get killed in Nigeria for being Bisexual. and the person(s) who would kill me would not only feel justified, but would be protected by the law and the masses for doing so. This is not a joke, Es. I had a friend who got lynched to his death.

Many things come to the mind of people when they hear the word “homosexual”, and it is mostly passionate irritation. I don’t blame them. I don’t judge them. Like I earlier said, It’s not their fault. It takes a superhuman to be empathic.

But I am not gay. That’ll mean I only like boys. I am not straight either. That’ll mean I only like girls. Being bisexual doesn’t give me or anyone the license to be promiscuous, just like being gay isn’t synonymous with sexual indiscipline. Being promiscuous or sexually undisciplined is a personal disposition and doesn’t have anything to do with sexual orientation. Anyone can be promiscuous. Anyone can be stupid. For someone who grew up surrounded by domestic violence, I have grown to appreciate love and respect the sanctity of relationships. So, whether I am dating a boy or a girl, I stick to them and remain faithful through the course of our relationship.

I believe Love is Love, and If Love is Love, then Sex is Sex.

The first time I fell in love with a boy was about 3 or 4 years ago. His (not real) name is Hassan. The experience felt surreal. Being with him felt like a match made in heaven. We had so much in common, and liked everything about each other. We clicked. That was the first time I was ever so vulnerable with another human being. It was a part of me that I never knew existed. When we broke up, I felt very hurt. I’d dated girls before him, but I knew they weren’t real. I knew I wasn’t going anywhere with any of them. Anyone who was going to have all of me would have to have ALL OF ME. Those girls weren’t qualified; mostly because they were religious fanatics. When Hassan and I broke up, the pain gave me a better understanding of what I wanted with my life and sexuality, and I made some resolutions about the type of person I would want to end up with. She (I don’t want to marry a man) has to know about my sexuality and love me completely – or not at all.

You see, my darling, for us bisexuals, it is different. If I was gay, it would be way easier. I wouldn’t even need to date you or any girl. I’d just master the art of dating guys and find myself someone to be with. If I was straight – Ha! Perfect, right? Being me means I have two demons inside me and at every point of my life and with relationships, I have to balance the both of them, else I’d go crazy. By this, I don’t mean I have to have both homosexual and heterosexual intercourse. I have grown to love myself and I feel like anyone who claims to love me, should know my sexual identity and love me the same. The problem is that this is Nigeria. I have had to hide through most of my relationships. This eventually becomes a mental battle as we go higher, amongst many other battles I have had to face all my life, and I think I have done a perfectly good job of keeping it to myself. It is after all my cross to carry. I don’t want anyone carrying it with me or judging me with it. No. One time, my stepfather suspected something about me and he told my mother. I was wounded by that betrayal. I cried a lot of tears. I denied it, but I cried silly. I kept asking myself why. Why me? Why would I have this part of me to be judged with? Why would he say something like this?

Es, I never intended it to be this way for you. I wish I could turn back the time to make it all alright and not let you fall in love with me. Not let myself fall for you this deep. But who wouldn’t fall in love with you? You literally swept me off my feet. I love you so much that I can’t even think of a life without you. You’re my rock, my heartbeat, my relief, my happiness. It’s with you I hide from the world. You came and you shielded me from the hate, the judgement and the death in the world. I’m literally living my best life with you. Yet, it wasn’t until recently (when money started coming in mostly) that I realized that it was incomplete. How can I love you as completely as you love me if I don’t completely love myself? How would I completely love myself and hide it from you? How would I hide the entirety of my personality from you if I claim to love you completely? How can you say you love all of me when you don’t even know all of me?

I never knew that this part of me would disturb me and my ability to move forward with you, but it did. I tried to tell you many times but I was afraid. I am still afraid. I’ve shed tears many times when I thought of it, because I know that if we must move forward, this has to be dealt with. I wished many times that I could find my way around it and move on with you, but being bisexual has affected every single decision I have made in my life and I love my identity. This couldn’t be different. You are the most important decision I have made in my life. I need you to love me the way I love me.

This is my secret. I might have many, but this is the lion I came with. There’s nothing to me after this. There’s no fear, no hurt, no love after this. This is the whole of me. My blessing and my curse. Gladly, people like Ellen DeGeneres, Tim Cook, Leonardo DaVinci and many others have helped me understand that there’s a place for me in this world. And I’m fighting to get there.

I am not asking you to love me after this, because I already know your stance on the matter of homosexuality. I just think you deserve to know. I love you and would like to build a world with you at the centre.

Still, the reason I was afraid is not that you might leave me after this. It is that you might feel compelled to talk to someone about this.

Please don’t. Please don’t.

If you’ll leave or stay, let this be known by only you. One day, if the world would ever need to know, then I want to be the one to tell them.

With Love

Your man, Sam Eko.