I Can’t Fall In Love With Someone Whose Dick Is That Big
“If you’re with a man that won’t bottom because it hurts, you’re not dating a top, you’re dating a pussy.” – Anthon Gilét learns that you really can have too much of a good thing.
OH.MY.GAHD! That was the first thought I had when we inevitably exchanged dick pics. I hadn’t been in this much shock since Ross said Rachel’s name at the wedding.
Think of like, a deodorant can… Now balance that on top of a butternut squash. Yeah. I couldn’t help showing the nudes to everyone who crossed my path. And everyone was just as aghast as I was. Especially Sister Alice outside St. Phillip’s.
Right up until the moment we met, I remember feeling this mix of apprehension, arousal and absolute fear. But hey, everyone has angles that are more flattering than others. So I guess I’d just take it as it came (the situation, not the dick).
After meeting at a bar nearby his place, we went back to his for more drinks, and were clearly very compatible (aka: he had a bar in his living room and watched Drag Race). As the home-made cocktails went down, so did the boundaries of our conversation.
“I don’t bottom. I don’t like it,” he confessed, before I quizzed him on why. “I tried it once, when I was 17, and it hurt too much.”
Hold up, hold up. ONCE? You tried it ONCE?! First of all, that’s like saying you tried neat whiskey when you were a teenager and now you don’t drink; utter nonsense. Bottoming, like alcoholism, takes work and commitment.
It’s like the Bible says: ‘If you’re with a man that won’t bottom because it hurts, you’re not dating a top, you’re dating a pussy.’
I also found it highly ironic that it hurt him too much. What did he think being impaled by his fire extinguisher was going to do to me?
When we finally got down to business and he flopped it out, I think my heart actually stopped beating.
I playfully threw it around for a minute or two, while I contemplated what to do with it. I’d suddenly forgotten everything I knew about turning a man on. All standard techniques are completely useless at first.
Having to get to grips with it reminded me of being given a bicycle and expected to know how to ride it. The only difference being that your dad wouldn’t be proud if you could ride this without hesitation.
Saying a man’s penis is too big is like saying he has too much money or too many cars. But how big is too big? Well, how about when you can barely fit it in your mouth? I went through an entire tub of Carmex in 10 minutes.
I did my best – I really did – but I was suffocating, and it wasn’t even hard yet. Needless to say, we didn’t even attempt anal. I couldn’t. And not just because I didn’t wanna worry about losing my pancreas every time I sneezed.
I’d felt that as people, we got along great, and there was definitely a physical attraction, but this big dick was a big issue.
“I just can’t fall in love with someone whose dick is that big,” I confessed to a friend over brunch.
I know, I know. I sound like a starving person just given a huge plate of food only to say they’re not that hungry. But it’s not like I could put half his dick in a doggy bag and take it home for later.
Sure, you could maybe manage it eventually, with a gallon of poppers and enough lube to drown a hooker, but would you even enjoy it? Well, maybe in the end. That is, at least until he dumps you, leaving you with irreversible internal damage and a heart that’s just as butchered. “Heartbroken and hole-broken” – that sounds like the world’s most depressing sex memoir.
We’ve often heard the question “Does size matter?” but frequently, only as an alternative to “Is bigger better?” And while I’m sure many guys across the globe would synchronously answer yes to both questions, how true is it?
In this case, not at all! In fact, the dick was so big it was blocking the doorway to our future together, like an angry purple-headed bouncer. Was a slab of man-meat really going to stand in the way of two people that seemed otherwise compatible?
Yes.
Apparently the longevity of our tryst was damned before we’d started. In dating, we often discuss the things we can’t overlook in a potential partner – and this hole-breaker was definitely a deal-breaker.
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23 Comments
Absalom
December 20, 06:20Lol. Sorry. I can imagine.
DeadlyDarius
December 20, 07:44Can you? Can you really?
Delle
December 20, 09:51Absie, keep kwayet! You can’t imagine biko?
Gad
December 20, 07:32I find it hard to understand human beings. I mean what can God or man do to satisfy man? Yesterday they were singing “I like it very big” ,”I need an xxxlargre tool” but God gave you one just last night and this morning you woke us up with shouts of “i can’t take it, its too big”. Confusion
Mandy
December 20, 09:49It’s not confusion because it’s not the same people crying over these things. Some people have big dick problems, some others have small dick problems. And they’re all relevant
Delle
December 20, 09:50This comment of yours can only hold if it’s the same set of people screaming and clamouring for big dicks that talk against it.
Otherwise, I have no idea what you’re on about.
Francis
December 20, 07:34So nice when everyone has problems. Big dick small dick, average dicks. Problems for everyone ??????
I feel the dude abeg. If the dick too big and you can’t handle it, WALK especially in this scenario. You bottomed once and quit cause it hurt like hell. If you had an atom sense, empathy, compassion etc you should have done the world a huge favor and turned side one time with that kain dick.
Mandy
December 20, 09:50??????? This comment. Such wickedness.
Francis
December 20, 11:29It’s annoying when they assume bottoms don’t feel that same pain. They will now be shaming those that can’t sit on their literally monstrous penis.
Kritzmoritz
December 20, 08:44Lol… This made me laugh
Johnny
December 20, 08:48I have this fuck boy with a huge dick that I used to run out of bed. You know what, despite it hurts, I will always go to him for more . The boy is tired of my wahala
trystham
December 22, 06:36Amen!!!!
Malik
December 20, 09:06Have I ever laughed this much because of a post? Run away my dear. I support. Before they drill hole in your sigmoid colon.
Delle
December 20, 09:48Ah, this had me in stitches.
But then, it puts forward a pertinent question, especially for those of us that aren’t really fans of big dicks. Would I take my love back if I find out his dick is too big? Maybe, maybe not.
I’m definitely not Asexuals but I sure as hell would not want to always sweat and think and fret anytime we are about having sex. There goes my “sex isn’t a prerequisite for relationship”???
Mandy
December 20, 09:51But you can’t love yet until you’ve seen the dick, can you?
Mandy
December 20, 09:53???????
This piece is hilarious.
“Heartbroken and hole-broken” – that sounds like the world’s most depressing sex memoir.
???? Indeed.
Francis
December 20, 11:27Very depressing man. I no go lie. I’ve had that line of thought before
Tobby
December 20, 09:55It’s not by force to take dick ??
quinn
December 20, 23:01Gbam!
Black Dynasty
December 20, 16:55Lool I don’t blame him, at least he had enough sense to know his limits and decline when this was clearly too much.
Can’t be stressing and worrying whenever it’s time for sex, probably won’t even enjoy it…. which defies part of the reason for sex i.e. pleasure.
Sens8
December 20, 19:44I’m just reading this after a hard day, with traffic the length of third mainland bridge, and I swear, I pissed myself laughing!!!!???.
Seriously? For the bottoms who have size limitations: run fast and run far.
Author please pass on the baton (literally) to some size queens, who, I’m sure, will be hedging bitcoins now to see if they can take it whole without any hole damage.
Canis VY Majoris
December 21, 15:40“Heartbroken and hole-broken” – that sounds like the world’s most depressing sex memoir.
???
Andre
December 26, 16:40I usually don’t comment but this piece really had me.
I totally concur with this post, i always wonder why there’s so much craze for big dicks, but then again some of us are just so bent on destroying ourselves all in the name of pleasure. Just stay safe guys.