IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 26)

June 22

There was a time I was an angry gay man. It lasted for about a week and I was out on social media lambasting every homophobe I could find. I’m still angry but not so much because, if there is one thing years of arguing on the internet with strangers and friends has taught me, it’s that most people you are arguing with won’t change their mind. I learnt that properly by looking at myself in an argument and being aware of how I felt as the words spilled out onto the screen.

When I argued, it used to feel like “I’m right and you’re wrong and that’s that”.

But people go through their lives with their own perspectives. I realised this and so I’m more often, like, “Have you considered so and so? This is what I can see where I’m standing and perhaps if you see it too, then you can understand me, and if from where I’m standing, you can point out where I’m wrong, I’m willing to readjust my world view”.

It often doesn’t work though. Almost everyone on the internet wants to be the loudest and most right. So I’d rather just agree to disagree. Most times, I put out my own perspective for the silent ones reading the arguments who haven’t made up their minds on where they stand. People are often set in their ways anyway. I feel less angry and more tired now.

Anyway, my time in this little town is almost over and NYSC will be next. NYSC, I’d rather not go to, to be honest. I feel like it’d be the next step in a direction I’m not sure I want to go to. On paper, it’s the right direction. You finish school, then you go for your service to gain experience in the labour field, and it’d look good on your CV and stuff. But as usual, I’d rather be doing other things. Only problem is: I have a very vague idea of the other things I could be doing. I know it involves art. But how? Do I stand on the streets and sing? Or do I become a social media marketer for my art work? Or should I go from hotel to hotel to sell my art? And while doing that, won’t I need to sustain myself?

The best compromise in my opinion is if I get to serve in Lagos (which is more of a hub for the things I’m looking for) and get a good PPA that allows me have free time and preferably lots of it. However I am not sure I’ll get Lagos. And to be honest, if I don’t get Lagos, I’ll be very inclined to defer my service year (lol) – like, just say fuck it and ignore safety nets and just fall into the unknown.

Knowing myself however, I probably won’t do that. I love my comfort (zone).

Two months I should have spent focusing on pursuing an art career, I spent in a small town working in an agropharmacy because I wanted to run away from my mother. Hmm.

A friend said he doesn’t like to date young people because they are flighty. Their lives haven’t settled so they could be in your life this moment and out the next – and sometimes it wouldn’t even be because they lost interest. NYSC could take them to the other end of the country. Masters program could take them to the other end of the world.

And he is right to a large extent

I am young and I’ve got like a whole life ahead of me, and the road could twist and turn any which way. But I’ve always wanted to have someone to call home. Someone who has a space with other things at the center of my life and whose presence there would influence decisions. I know the horror that comes with having a person hold a major stake in your life because they could leave. But I’ve never felt the dread deeply and even when I have felt it or thought about it, I did so because I felt I should… Like a normal human.

People talk about regretting dating someone after even making sacrifices. I’ve never regretted making sacrifices for anyone I have dated. To me, doing things with the other person in mind comes with the territory of relationships. I can be very selfish, yes, but I think when I’m selfish, it’s like, “Yeah, I (can) do so much for you. Let me have this.”

Also I think if this was a heterosexual relationship where marriage happens, aren’t decisions also largely influenced by the partner?

*sigh*

I’m not sure where I’m going with this and I think if I keep writing about relationships, it’ll be a sad rabbit hole I’d rather not go down.

Written by IBK