IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 35)
June 19
So, I’m going to get a bit personal than usual and carry you into a dark space that exists in my head.
I’m not looking for suggestions or answers to my problem because I have a fair idea of what I’ll be told. I just feel like talking.
This one starts with an ex of many years ago. We started out great. It looked like blue skies all the way. I legit thought I had found my last bus stop. Unfortunately, the blue skies were a backdrop hiding a storm and the bus stop would just be an accident scene with me as the victim.
Most times, I think I’m doing fine. Then something happens and I am 19 or 20 years old and feeling like something is wrong with me again. Because for the later part of that relationship, I was made to feel like something was wrong with me.
Umm… Maybe I’ll need to tell the story so we can have a better scope of what happened. It’d just be a sort of summary and I can’t say the sequence of events are accurate. But you’ll get the gist of it.
I met him while seeing someone else and left the someone else for him because he seemed legit. And for many months, I was happy. We stayed in the same room in one of the university halls, and this was because almost every night, he’d ask me to stay back instead of going back to my room. We’d cuddle at night, never minding that the room only had curtains for demarcations. When I played video games, he’d try to grab my attention by kissing me and I’d be too engrossed and he’d go to a corner to pout and threaten to break the laptop. He’d want me to follow him everywhere and he painted wonderful worlds with his words. Naïve, stupid me believed them.
He unfortunately was very scared of being outed and I think that after the high of infatuation died down, that fear began to take over. He’d accuse me of trying to out him over silly reasons like me singing a Lady Gaga song while walking down the hall.
I understood him though. Homophobia is real and he was an executive in his department. So, a lot of people knew him and stuff. The fear was getting on the high side though. One time, in a bid to not let him take a T-shirt of mine, I told him it made him look gay and he immediately took it off. The T-shirt suited him perfectly.
Then ASUU went on a six-month strike and I had to go home. Before leaving, we had decided we would make things kind of open. But when it actually came down to me fucking someone else, I realised that I couldn’t. I told him and asked that we revise the decision to be open. But he said that when he gets horny, he would need to fuck.
This upset me a lot because there I was, too in love to be able to be with someone else, and he didn’t feel the same way. So, we reached a compromise. I would travel to Ibadan from Ogun State to see him and he could come too from time to time. And it worked. I was always happy to see him and he seemed happy to see me too, and we would fuck and it’d almost always be great. Except for the time I had hemorrhoids.
One day, when I’d snuck off to Ibadan as usual, I was laying on his bed and for no reason I can remember, I started to cry. I think that would be the first time it would ever happen to me. I’d be fine, and then my mood would suddenly go left. I’ve realised now that it’s because negative emotions have built up in my mind and it’d take a small trigger for it to all cascade down. He was perplexed. He let me cry on his chest. I wish I could remember what caused it. Maybe I got the irrational fear he’d leave me. Maybe it was something else not related to him. But I kind of feel like he thought I might be a little crazy. I know I felt like I was crazy.
He made a new friend before the strike began. A Lebanese named Liban, and they talked a lot. I thought it was cute. He talked about him a lot and I still considered it cute. Liban was prone to cutting himself and was emotionally volatile, from all I heard from my ex. I felt it was good for my ex to talk to him. People like that need friends, right?
The strike ended. I was back in his room with him, and though we’d had a few issues, I was happy to be back with him. One day, I was going through his phone (it was something we were allowed to do) and was reading through his convo with Liban, when I saw Liban say “I love you” to him. He responded with “I love you too.” To be honest, this didn’t seem like a threat to me. I reasoned that he was simply trying to spare Liban any hurt feelings. Besides Liban was in Lebanon.
However, the message that followed stopped me short. He’d typed: “And that scares me.”
My ex hadn’t been the most faithful guy. But I’d always found a way to move past it. But this one was too much. I confronted him. I wanted an explanation. I think he could have told me bullshit and I’d have eaten it up and say that it tasted like chicken. Instead he said we needed to stop going through each other’s phones and change passwords.
And so, mistrust developed. And I think this was also when things went downhill. I feel like I’m struggling to remember past this point. My memories are a little more jumbled here and I keep hitting a wall. I just know that it began to feel like my love became a toxic thing. Like I was too clingy and too sensitive and too much of everything that wasn’t good. He complained about why I always had to sleep in his room every night, that didn’t I have my own room. He was the one who used to ask me to stay back till I basically moved in with him – and suddenly, I was invading his space??? He’d get angry with me over things like me not carrying a stove well or peeling an egg properly. When he came back to the room at night, he’d ask me if I didn’t have anywhere to be apart from there.
I desperately tried to hold on. Fuck. He used to love me and I loved him, and I could vividly remember how he loved me. So, why was he treating me like this, like there was something wrong with me.
I stayed. I was 19 or 20 with no proper guidance to know I had entered abusive and toxic territory. No one to really talk to because relationships, as far as my fellow gays knew it then, were just things to pass the time. But I had never really felt like that and he was the first person to give me a glimpse of something I never knew I could have. And now that I knew it was possible, I wanted it even more and I wanted it with him. So, I stayed and hoped the former love I knew would come back to me.
The day it ended is still clear to me. And it’s the clincher to this whole thing. I went to his room. I was begging him for us to get back to the way things were. I was crying. I felt lost and confused, like my co-pilot had jumped ship in the middle of a storm. I really wanted us to work. I swear, to this day, I’d have gone to the end of the world and back just for him.
But he told me no and not in the kindest words. He said my tears were irritating him. He said he regretted telling me he loves me. He said he was scared of telling someone else he loves them because if my love is the way love is, then he wants no part of it.
Those words felt like bricks heaping on me. I still get a sinking sensation when I remember them.
And so, that’s how it ended. The relationship. I tried to get over him. I even did hypnotherapy on myself. It sort of worked, but not for long. I’d wake up with a feeling of intense fear. Sleeping on my allocated bed in my room felt strange to me. Thankfully, I had exams, so I used those to distract myself, even though I just wanted to lie down and sleep with the hope that each time I wake up, I wouldn’t hurt as much as before I slept.
Years have gone by. I have forgiven him. I’m a bit wiser, thankfully. But I wasn’t strong enough to go through all that without my share of scars.
And a consistent issue I have is feeling like there is something wrong with me. He’s not just the cause of it. My mother’s own is there too. You can’t hear these words from people you love greatly without them affecting you, I think.
Many times, I’m fine. For long periods of time, I’m alright. But something happens and I am back to being that stupid twenty-year-old who feels like he turns what he touches toxic. I’d feel like something is wrong with me. I’m too much of a thing or too little of something else, and I operate with that knowledge till misery becomes permanent company.
In the end, I think it makes me careful with the people I let into my life, especially for relationships. I believe in bettering each other, but I also believe it is important to accept people first. Lucky for me, after that ex, I’ve met people who did not ask me to change. Of course, bad behaviour would cause friction but there was never really any asking.
Especially my last relationship. It felt like a safe space.
But now, I’m in new waters and I have a boyfriend who thinks I can do better in some aspects. And I believe him. But when he asks me to, I feel a lot of dread. Like someone is trying to change me and they are doing that because they think something is wrong with me.
By and large, relationships have a way of either making you a much better person or fucking you up after you leave them. I know I’m a better person, but I know I’m kind of fucked up somewhere in there.
Written by IBK
For more of IBK’s entries, visit his journal on Medium.
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26 Comments
Malik
June 21, 07:43I think you need to believe yourself over anyone else. Take suggestions but ultimately let your opinion of yourself ring louder than anything else. Learn to be happy as an individual, and to be fully comfortable in your skin and don’t expect validation or completeness from anyone, not even a partner.
Do not “fall” in love. As much as possible, strut into it, brain first, heart in tow. Thank you for sharing this and I wish you happier days.
Kingb
June 22, 10:08Aren’t you just a darling?? Those words up there are the precepts by which I live and I tell u what, nothing supersedes self love. You really need to love yourself unequivocally to be able to be gay in Nigeria first, remain sane with family members, relate with straith assholes at work and be a Nigerian basically. Never seek validation from anyone. You’re your own validation.
ken
June 21, 08:55Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.
Rex
June 21, 10:21Oh dear, I know what it feels dear, but you’ll be fine, it’s not your fault and don’t hold yourself to ransom because of someone’s stupidity. You are amazing and the earlier you realize that the happier you’ll be. One guy once made me feel like I turned him gay and would always blame me for him being too in love with me to concentrate. I never understood what he meant till I found out that he was seeing another guy but guilty conscience won’t let him break up so he turned to victimizing me. It took all I had to separate from him and thank God I did. Now I am better once I see a nigga that isn’t sure of what he wants I flee…..
But my point is that you owe yourself happiness and don’t let any idiot make you feel fucked up. That guy would still break Libans heart and the cycle will continue.
Lopez
June 21, 10:57He broke you, and has done a good job at it. I was there, mine was that it made me almost incapable of loving anyone again. We are all innocent until someone came along and broke us completely and then we realised we are no longer as innocent. Love is cruel.
Chuck
June 21, 13:05Do you get treatment for this mental illness? These people dating you instead of helping you get help are scum.
Looks like you fall into relationships so easily, making you an easy target for these clowns
Delle
June 21, 13:36I agree. Ibuks finds it quite easy to get into a relationship. I can’t help but wonder that perhaps, that’s the reason for his aches. I could be wrong though.
joker
June 21, 18:09your case is quite sad really……if you need somone to talk to……….????????
simply collect my details from pp
joker
June 21, 18:12your case is sad really but if you need somone to talk to………….??????? m quite in need of A FRIEND TOO have some issues and i seem to be the only one carrying it….it’ll be good to rub minds……..
trystham
June 21, 20:11What Rex and Malik said.
Peace
June 22, 09:17I relate with the part where you’re fine this minute and in the next second, your emotions move left.
There was this day I was perfectly fine ọ, listening to music and chatting and then this particular song came on, and oh! good lord I cried! I locked my myself up in the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I felt like shit! I felt like a failure! I felt like there was no reason to move on with life. I begged God that night to take away the feeling cause, it was eating me from inside.
Well……. I had to call someone, who eventually calmed me down. Sigh………*wipes tear*
KingB
June 22, 10:04I can see what the Lord is doing for some people. See the way someone’s son is getting BFs and me at 25, has never smelt one. Do unto me as you do unto others Father Lord!
Chuck
June 22, 10:07I dont think his type of boyfriends come from a benevolent deity, can’t you see he falls in with abusers?
Pink Panther
June 22, 13:31Falls in with abusers? You make it sound like bad guys are his pattern, the only kind of people he dates.
Chuck
June 22, 21:06Aren’t they? Seems he loves to recreate his relationship with his abusive mother. with his lovers
Eggsy
June 23, 10:06I’m not sure anybody sets out to be abused in a relationship, fam. Just move on if you really don’t have anything constructive to say.
Pink Panther
June 23, 10:17Are you serious with this though? From insinuating that he dates abusive guys to opining that he gets into relationships as though looking to be abused.
SMH. I don’t understand how you come to conclusions like this, but it is deeply unkind and unfair to the person whose life you really do not know much about.
Chuck
June 23, 14:38I’m going by what I’ve read here, his own words. You guys need to help him seek proper care, not just “sorrt”
Mitch
June 23, 15:19Shut the fuck up with these idiotic opinions you have about IBK. You don’t know anything about him save what he puts up here in his writing; stuff you’ve conveniently twisted to serve your need to be a troll.
You need to get your head out of your arse and fucking read to understand, not to judge or be a small-balled bully.
Pink Panther
June 23, 17:41Even then, your opinions based on what you read here of him are still off. You seem focused on the struggles he writes about, completely blotting out his victories in your assessment of him and his life.
And we should help him seek “proper care”? SMH. There is an audacity to that comment that totally baffles me. Once again, you do not know enough, certainly not even by his entries, to say that.
But go off.
Chuck
June 24, 11:59What’s the last victory he posted about? Anyway I hope be gets professional help, it’s not by sympathy from blog comments.
I’m surprised Mitch is attacking people given his crimes as exposed by Higwe. You are not in a position to be shooting off now
BRYAN PETERS
June 23, 07:06Ups and downs of life. Sorry for your bad experience though. I’d honestly suggest you try and get professional help. It is good to talk to friends and loved ones. A problem shared is half solved, and that’s just what it is – half solved. The intensity of your mood swings to the overwhelming sadness suggests more. Please see a psychologist or mental health physician. It would do you much good.
Good luck with your present relationship.
Lopez
June 23, 16:23Mitch. How do you sleep at night with all these bitterness in your soul? we all get it, you’re a bitch and mean. for some of us here it’s more than a cyberspace act, it’s real life not only an act. get it together and deal with whatever that is bothering you. you got served once don’t let someone do it again. please
Mitch
June 23, 22:16Sorry, who are you again?
??
IBK
June 24, 16:24Hey chuck. I’ve read your comments and I felt angry at first but now I’m just bemused. You read my post with all my aches from love found and lost and decided I set out to be abused? And not just here but in all my relationships? Tsk Tsk. Are you sure you’re as smart as you think?
You’ve created (wrong) conclusions about my life based on what you’ve read and that may be my fault, afterall I post these things. A smart person in 2019 would know that what you see on social media/internet isn’t always the entire story.
I’m tempted to list these “victories” you want to see but thankfully I have nothing to prove to you. I’ll be a sad boy when I write my journal if I like, thank you very much.
Anyhoo, I know I need help and at some point I will get it. I’m not sure you know you need it too though. With all your snide remarks disguised as being blunt and honest you don’t seem like a well adjusted human being. Perhaps you’re projecting? I do hope not, that would be too cliché.
And for the other comments that mean well. You are all really appreciated. Do make sure to check out my blog on medium. I post stuff there semi regularly… Don’t worry, it won’t be entirely depressing ?
Here’s a link
https://medium.com/@Jazzman_Phoenix
Temi
June 25, 21:03Now IBK I empathize with you but can you erase the idea that something is wrong with you! nothing is wrong with you anyone who doesn’t feel comfortable being with you should walk away. I’m guessing from this write up that you’re a uite