IF I HAD TO WRITE A SUICIDE NOTE
I am not going to kill myself.
Not yet, at least.
But if I make up my mind to do that, I would write a suicide note.
If I had to write a suicide note, this is what I would say.
I would write about my life – the life that seems perfect to everyone looking in from the outside. A life that would be perfect if it didn’t feel so much like a chore, where every breath I take feels like it is prolonging my sentencing to a lifetime of pain.
I seem to have issues with everything other than my education, which seems to be the only thing that is right with my world. I have a very terrible social life, which probably stems from me living perpetually in my own boxed-in world.
If I had to write a suicide note, I would write about how very unlucky I am with guys. They find me, make me fall in love with them, and then leave me begging for scraps of their attention. I am a very emotional person, so whatever damage is done sticks. It stays, wreaking tiny havocs on my psyche that ripples and accumulates. Sometimes I feel like I have an inscription on my forehead that says “Free Trial”, because that is what I feel like I am to the guys I meet. I know I should learn from my mistakes and not give anyone a chance to hurt me again. But I have a really stupid heart that is always ready to forgive and love again.
If I had to write a suicide note, I would talk about the insecurities I have about my body. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see. As I struggle to believe people when they say I’m very attractive, I can’t stop thinking of my very morbid features that make me want to shut myself away, out of sight from the world. This tendency to hide has caused me to develop a panicky feeling whenever I am to be in public places. I don’t do public functions, and these include church or parties or literally any place with a lot of persons. It feels like I am being exposed, warts and all, to people who shouldn’t be inflicted with the sight of me. The mere thought of being in such public places sets me off on a panic attack.
I’ve always thought I will not make it past 30. That I would get fed up of living and just end my miserable life. Because that is what it feels like I am living – a journey of misery.
I am typing this right now and my brother is ranting somewhere in the house about the abomination of homosexuality.
Yes. If I had to write a suicide note, I would write about my homophobic family. The disconnect I feel from them because of their hate toward people like me. My brother is ranting about how there is an agenda to make the whole world go gay. How homosexuality is being forced into entertainment and the media. How it is demonic. How the world is coming to an end. And how this is all one big master plan by the Devil to pollute the world and win it all to himself.
And I am sitting here, thinking about how these people are such a big part of my life and yet, they know so little about me.
I just want to say “Fuck you” to them. To tell them I don’t care. I don’t care anyway.
I don’t care anymore.
I have tried to get myself a reason to hang on to, and my family is not one of them. I would never want to stay alive because of any one of them.
I never had any issues with accepting my sexuality. I never fought it. I simply accepted myself when I got to realise that I was attracted to boys. But these days, when I see people spew hate, I just can’t help but think how the world is a really nasty place, somewhere I should leave soon.
If I had to write a suicide note, I would write about all this.
But I’m not writing it yet.
Because I’m not going to kill myself.
Not yet, at least.
Written by Alphabet Boy
EDITOR’S NOTE: I just want to add this to the writer’s narration, that when we got this submission, I had to make contact with him, got his number and reached out to him. He was severely depressed – maybe still is – but we were able to have a long talk, which from his subsequent messages, seem to have instilled in him a newfound confidence in life.
I hope to be able to stay this positive long enough, he said.
And I just want to say to everyone of us to be more alert about the people around us, those in the community who we know or suspect are struggling. We all struggle, yes. But if you can take a moment out of your pain to help someone who has fallen further down into the dark, you would be doing a great service to humanity.
Thank you, guys.
Regards, Pink Panther.
About author
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21 Comments
Tobee
January 07, 07:37Also want to add that he can contact Kenny Badmus’ Is Anyone in Africa helpline.
Francis
January 08, 10:48Do leave the helpline number here
winans ala
March 29, 23:34It really hot when u a drop by someone u love, for me I don’t know if am the most urgly gay guy in the planet earth, I got hook up with people on grindr but once i send my pix I got deleted, even when am ask to come over some see me from afar or a corner they are hiding and off there line, the one I really got hurt over was when I meet one Jerry in Port on grindr, I really don’t want to go out seeing him , because some how I know the result, he persuaded me to come, I went he was stand in an hiding corner bad enough the Keke drop me just by the corner, so he could not off his phone, after the pleasantry he said he has to leave for work, that I came late, the same person that persuaded me coming over, I knew it was because of my look, I just entered the next Keke and start going bck, feeling really hurt, I got home delete my Grindr and all app I hve that is related to tb, all I wish is for some one to Love me , and I will honour u , for life
Pink Panther
March 30, 06:44This is really horrible. I feel for you.
Malik
January 07, 09:15Hey Alphabet Boy, you’ll be okay. Honestly, I don’t know this for sure but I believe you will.
Stay around community, talk about your insecurities more and watch them crumble. Talk about your body and then start to own it, your height, your architecture, your contours. Redefine perfection to include whatever the mirror shows you when you look in it. Make more platonic friends. Reduce your expectations of people. I recently learnt that the happiest marriages are the ones where the partners know how to make themselves happy individually.
Hang out more often and breathe more. Don’t be afraid to call for help too. ??
Black Dynasty
January 07, 10:07I just want to give the author a big hug and tell him it can be ok and the darkness can end.
A lot of us (myself included) have been down this path but managed to come out of it, mostly through the help of others. It can get better and you are not alone 🙂
Rubee
January 07, 17:44There there Dear…
Everything will be alright.
I’ve had my fair share of depression and insecurities, what helped me was discovering my passion and finding ways to constantly fuel it to the point that it’s become an extension of me.
I would advise that you try discover your passion and immerse yourself fully in it.
With time, you’ll discover that everything will fall into place.
XOXO
Peace
January 07, 18:09How do I send my contact across? You can talk to me! I feel like this most times too! I think it’s high time we got a support group or something. Dear Pink panther how do I reach out?
trystham
January 07, 20:24I have been where u are. Suicidal, without a shred of self esteem, lovelife that seemed destined for the rocks,…but it gets better because YOU ARE HANDSOME, YOU LIVE AN ENVIABLE LIFE, YOU DODGED BULLETS. Those are the facts of YOUR existence. Know it and own it now.
As anonymous as this pseudonym might be to you, know that at least one trystham loves and cares for you.
PS – Get friends that give really good tea. They have a way of bursting through your clouds of despair with rays of happiness.
CHUCK
January 07, 20:38re: friends with tea — please don’t try to fight depression by becoming a shallow gossip.
trystham
January 07, 20:49True. Last thing he needs in his life is a gossip, but what do u and ur friends discuss? Who wore what at Adam’s creation party in Genesis? We are not looking for miserable and boring bruh, and not all tea is ‘shallow gossip’.
Francis
January 08, 10:52I wouldn’t recommend drinking tea to someone who’s depressed. That shit has a way of messing with your head too. I’m just speaking from experience
trystham
January 08, 20:19Different strokes for different folks then. Even when I didn’t tell my friends I was depressed, when they called, just hearing their voices had a way of making of making me smile. I’d relive our conversations hours after and look forward to when next we’d speak
Eddie
January 08, 00:13We love you,Alphabet Boy…
P. S we need a support group for individuals struggling with suicidal thoughts, PLWHA, survivors of violence against our community…just saying
Patrick
January 08, 01:42Dear Alphabet Boy,
Forgive me but your brother sounds like the average bitter, holier-than-thou Nigerian whose ‘straight’ privilege has only bred more misery. Successful people have no time for such entry-level conspiracy theory. I actually believe that homophobia is very slowly on the decline in Nigeria. One study showed that less people support the SSMPA than before. So don’t destroy your bright future because of your family’s homophobia. What’s more important is that you’re not internally homophobic.
You’ll beat this! You’ll become successful. And when they finally see you for who you really are, they’ll be sorry for themselves.
I encourage you to focus on your education and look forward to being independent. Like you, my education was the only thing that was going for me. Now I am very independent and most of the people I mingle with are people who decry the hypocrisy of Nigerian homophobia.
So please, keep holding on. It gets better.
realme
January 08, 08:35never ever focus on the negativity … around..trust me, there’s some much to live..
never let Dem win…
Francis
January 08, 11:01If you need to speak with a shrink, speak with PP. He might be able to link you up if our resident shrink isn’t drowning in work.
Hugs. Hopefully it gets better for you. Isolation, Mariah Carey and focusing on me and no one else helped me through it.
Just find one thing that always lifts your spirits and cling on to it as your life depends on it. ?????
jandro
January 08, 13:25Mariah has also helped me a lot.
jandro
January 08, 13:17reading this I thought it was written by me, I’m honestly tired of living, everyday is like a new kind of pain… it’s difficult to stay alive when you’re not happy.
Francis
January 08, 22:0514 Best Self Care Tips For Your Mental Health In 2019 || Mental Health Matters” on YouTube https://youtu.be/uSFsunCxVbc
FJ
January 10, 00:23The community identifies with you and whatever pains you are going through. You are definitely not alone. As a consultant physician i can be of help, here brother if need be, in the areas of medical and psycho-social interventions.