If It’s Broke, Let God Fix It

Him: Hey, good morning!

Me: Good morning buddy.

Him: I know this might sound strange, but I really need to talk to you right now.

Me: I’m listening. Go on.

Him: About this time last year, I confided in my pastor about my sexuality. I’m gay. He told me there was nothing God cannot do, and told me that I would overcome it with prayers and by mingling with the right people. You there?

Me: I’m here. Continue.

Him: He asked me few questions afterwards which I answered aptly. But one question I couldn’t get to understand was when he asked me who initiated me into the act. I found it rather strange because from all I can remember, I have always been this way. I only started seeing it as a problem when my friends started taunting me about not having a girlfriend and all-what-not. The more reason I sought help from him. But he wouldn’t believe me. He insisted that someone must have initiated me into the act. He asked if I’d been having strange dreams from childhood, where I make love with men. I answered a resounding No to it. Are you still there, bro?

Me: I am here. I’m listening.

Him: Okay. To cut the long story short, he introduced me to a girl in our church and asked me to be friends with her, that I have to be serious if I really want God to change me. I asked him, “Why would God make me this way and then want me to pray and cry all night for him to change me? Did I ever ask God to make me this way? Why is he punishing me?” He said God didn’t make me this way, that it was the devil that deformed my life. I asked him to explain how the devil was able to do this. Does it mean the devil now has power over what God created? He said no, that the devil doesn’t have power, unless the power we give to him. “But I gave no power to the devil. I was born this way. I grew up this way,” I replied. “No you were not created this way. You are supposed to have feelings for a woman not a man. The devil did this to you,” he retorted. “This is confusing and very unfair. I don’t even know the devil,” I lamented. Are you still there, bro?

Me: Yes I am and very alert and attentive. Continue.

Him: Finally, the girl I was asked to be friends with said we should try sex, since nothing was working out. I couldn’t establish any mutual connection with her. I pretended I was listening whenever she was talking, meanwhile I would be staring at a fine brother in church. So, we had sex. Yes there was an erection and a penetration, but there was no damn connection. I felt nothing but used. She said I was great. And that if I tried it often, I would soon get used to it. But I know I won’t. I have never felt so drained and useless in my whole life. I stopped talking to her and then decided to keep to myself. The pastor noticed and called me and asked what happened. I told him nothing happened. He said that the lady in question told him what happened.

Me: Hmmm. So, what did the pastor say after he told you this?

Him: He asked how I felt and I told him I still feel the same way, that nothing had changed. He said this type does not go out except by praying and fasting. It was then I opened up and told him my resolve – that I am not fighting this anymore. This is me. And if God fucking wants to do anything about me being this way, then he better fold his sleeves and get to work. I will not fight my whole life trying to live what I don’t feel. It’s draining life out of me already. I WILL NOT! He said I should not follow the path I am looking at now, that it will lead me to destruction. I told him God already destroyed me by making me this way or allowing the devil to interfere. He said it’s not God’s fault. Then I screamed at him, “Then let God fucking talk to me himself!” And I walked out from his office. Are you with me, bro?”

Me: 100% present.

Him: Now my question is this? Is there something wrong with me? Like, this whole story of me being different…is it really as bad as it has been painted? Is it really sinful?

Me: The only thing wrong with you is you trying to live another man’s life and perspective in your body.

Him: I feel absolutely okay with myself, but the God, devil and sin thing baffles me. It’s not just connecting.

Me: This aspect we’ll discuss later, but for now, know that there is nothing absolutely wrong with you being who you are, no matter the tag or label attached to it. If you wait for everyone to give you an option on how to live, you’ll live a confused being the rest of your life.

Him: This just made a whole lot of sense. I should be in charge, right?

Me: Yes, take charge.

Him: You’ve said very few words but they resonate deeply within me.

Me: Lastly, don’t hate your pastor or the lady. They don’t know better. If they did, they wouldn’t have tried to change you. There’s NOTHING wrong with you.

Him: There were days I thought of suicide. A whole lot of times!

Me: If only you knew how beautiful a life you can still create for yourself.

Him: See the way I’m smiling right now. Thank you so much, bro.

Me: You’re welcome. Talk to me when you need someone to talk to. I might have some nuggets from my own experiences that would be of help.

Him: Thanks. I feel a lot better and relieved. There are other things I would love to discuss with you. Like religion, God and the likes. But not today. But I sure will.

Me: I’ll be waiting buddy. Have a beautiful day.

Him: You too bro. Bye.

Written by Cue