JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 1)

Here’s another series from yet another KDian, James. It’s not fiction. It’s a Dear Diary sort of write-up, one that will afford us glimpses into the life of a brother. Here’s the debut episode. Read and enjoy.

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April 9

Love. . .

That word gives me different reactions. Sometimes it’s a “blergh!” Other times, it’s a “sigh”.

I have been in love. It hurt. But it also felt good. I couldn’t differentiate the two feelings. I felt them both intensely. And I didn’t bother to separate them either, because human love is an imperfect thing. You just enjoy and suffer whatever it gives you.

Maybe saying I was in love is a bit wrong. I still love, but it’s buried now. It had to be. For my good, for my sanity. I try not to think about then, when I felt everything would be alright as long as I had my love. Him. John. Sure, I got hurt so many times but I always got over it. I would rant and cry and be depressed but I would still look up ahead because I felt I could pull through anything as long as the other person was with me. Too bad they didn’t think the same.

Now I feel like I am walking this dark path and honestly I am scared. The shining light up ahead I could see is gone now and I don’t know if I will ever see it again. I also feel angry and abandoned. Those feelings are harder to bury.

I used to be a freelance agent, as a dear friend’s boyfriend put it. I thought it was just sex. Now sex is not just sex to me. I want it to mean something. I want to see something other than pleasure in the other person’s eyes. I want to make the other person happy, not just me. In spite of that, I hate that I am like this. I want to go back to the days when sex was just sex.

But you spend so long fucking your love that it feels meaningless with somebody else.

And then, I got a little lucky and met someone else. A new him. Duke. And I’m glad that my heart isn’t too hardened to feel love again. But I approach this one with caution for so many reasons. At the moment I cannot see it going anywhere. There’s also issues of the past this new guy has to deal with. I will approach this one with caution not because of what’s been done to me in the past, but because I do not want something that will have me wondering what it would have been like if we had the chance to be together a little longer.

The week I spent with Duke was lovely. John seemed so far away. It was like I was enclosed in this little bubble shielding me from the heartache I was feeling. But I had to go back to school and it returned. I’ve created too many memories attached to John. Even my own home is full of it. It doesn’t hurt as much as before, but there is still that longing. I don’t know why I still want his lean chiseled form pressed against me or why I want to see the way his mouth hangs slightly open and his eyes glaze over when we made love. I have managed to shut down jealousy, but just barely.

I am moving on. But every so once in a while I stand and look back at it all and look back with a little hope that I would see him running, trying to catch up with me, that he wants me back. But even that fantasy is getting dim. He is not coming for me. So I will press onward, in my own weird little way, and carve out another and hopefully better life for myself.

And Duke.

Is it too early to start falling for someone? That’s the question I ask most times. What I felt for John was real, people who know me can testify to that. But I feel like the fact that I am beginning to fall again makes it seem fake. But what should I do? Spend a year and a day mourning for what has been lost, or look for the brighter things life has to offer.

And Duke is so bright. His eyes. I close mine and  can still see them. Like caramel, almost clear caramel. He’s got a great smile, perfect teeth (no idea why I noticed that) and he is smart. And strong. Determined. He’s not someone who would let others bully him. When he talks about his feelings for me, I hear the sincerity. He holds my hands tightly and looks at me. He’s real too. I am glad about that. I was fed with lies when it came to John, lies and fairy tale endings. And like some stupid idiotic little teenage princess, I gulped it all down. And what I shat out was highly unpleasant (that’s gross, I know).

I hope there is a future for me and Duke. And if there is one, if it ends, I hope it won’t end like John and I did. I want to look back on it and think it was time well spent and not wasted. Just like I look back on me and my first and think that it was time well spent.

Written by James