JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 10)

July 31

There’s something a couple of my exes have said that I think is total bullshit. It’s not in my nature to be jealous.

Like I said – Bullshit! Why? For heaven’s sake, even God who is True Love is a jealous God.  If a heavenly Being Who represents all that is true and good about love can be jealous, then why not imperfect humans like us?

If we are dating and you cannot be jealous, when you feel like I’m spending what you think is too much time with someone else, or feel a bit uneasy when someone is flirting with me, then I don’t think your love runs so deep.

In fact, I’d like you to show jealousy once in a while. It makes me realise you’re scared of losing me, and that’s a wonderful feeling, and I often respond by reminding you in different ways that you are my bf and stuff.

However there’s overdoing it – when it gets to borderline clingy and insecure. It’s not a good look and it will chase me away from you faster than you can say “bazinga”.

I’m a pretty jealous person myself. But I try to control it on my own. I try not to lash out or anything, and rationalize it all. But if I feel like I can’t do it on my own, I’d tell my partner what he’s doing to make me jealous. And it’s so easy to get my mind off it… even if there’s something going on and you just remind me that I’m number one or something, I’ll pretty much forget about it.  Even if I find out that something is going on, as long as you didn’t outrightly lie that there’s nothing going on, I should be fine in a day or two. But if you retaliate by calling me too jealous or clingy or paranoid, it’d only make me worse. I think it’s called positive feedback in physiology… lol.

Not sure why I wanted to talk about the jealousy thing. But anyhoo . . .

Last Sunday there was a racket in the apartment above mine and some girl was crying while some dude was raising his voice at her. I think I heard thuds and pleas that the guy should leave her alone. It made my stomach squirm and my heart best faster, and I just wanted to march right up there and ask that the guy not be a douche and leave the poor girl alone.

Night fell and everywhere was deathly quiet. I was playing with my Nintendo 3Ds when the sobs came again and pleas and arguing and it was all so annoying. Next thing I know I’m hearing moans…like throaty ones, and I wasn’t sure whether they were from pain or pleasure that the girl was feeling. I was aroused… lol… imagining the kind of tool that was bringing about such a response and sound from the girl when she said, “Please come quickly, please na…”

Then I heard a thud. And my heart sank and my semi hard cock deflated. I don’t know if it was rape… I hope it wasn’t.  At one point, the guy was like “Where are you running to… stay still!”

I could hear all this because it was deathly quiet. I mean… graveyard type silence. It was quite frankly depressing.

I saw the girl a few days later. She seemed okay and even smiled at me. She’s got this cute gap in her teeth. She’s Igbo.

I told my uncle about the occurrence in the apartment above mine and he gave a typical chauvinistic response: “How can it be rape when she invited him into her own room?”

I was so angry at that response… just like how I’d get angry when I see articles that say it’s the ladies who can prevent rape by dressing meekly and not being seductive. What happened to the man? Was it not he who forced her legs apart and forced himself in? I saw an article like that on my faculty’s notice board and it made me angry. Nigerians. Ugh!

My younger brother recently travelled to the UK. A cousin if mine schools there. We used to be best of cousins, spending almost all holidays at each other’s houses until we grew up, and then she became interested in being glamorous and we remained in our small town/village.

So when she heard he would be around for a month, she was ecstatic. (That’s what she told me on Whatsapp) And my brother beeped me on BBM, saying how they gisted and stuff, about school, her travels and relationships. My brother – Seth – says they chatted about his own girlfriend, then my elder brother’s girlfriends, and when it came to me, there was an awkward pause.  Lol. And then, he goes, “James doesn’t really have time for girls.”

Talk about using style to pull me out of my fabulous closet!

He told me a hint of realisation crept into her eyes before he tried to save the day by saying, “Not that he hasn’t tried, but he’s been unlucky with all the girls he’s asked out. He’s too nice.”

And my cousin gave a smile and said, “And us girls like bad boys…”

Lol… and Lol again. My cousin isn’t dumb. She’d have figured it out. I don’t mind if she has… at least when I’m not married by forty, they will have an idea why. I wonder how it will affect our sort-of-distant relationship though. It could be weird in that it would bring us closer because she’d have this cousin to talk to about boys, or she would be repulsed but merely tolerate me because the bible says “Love your neighbour.”

Maybe I should go say hello to her on Whatsapp.

Often times, I sit and worry that I’m not good enough. I might be good, but it’s not enough. I’m not smart enough, I’m not good looking enough, I’m not talented enough, I’m not a good enough writer or singer or that  I’m not hard working enough, that I’m not a good enough son or a good enough brother.

I quieten thoughts most times. I pick up my game or my guitar or listen to music. But the fear is still there – a battle waiting to be fought.

I’m not sure if it’s irrational or not. Someone I confided in told me it isn’t rational. I find it hard to believe. I see that my two brothers are closer to each other than to me or that my mum still worries about my sexuality or that my dad probably secretly dislikes me. I hear questions asked in class and I can’t answer them but someone does flawlessly. I feel out of place in my course of study but I’m worried about finding my own place because I might not even be good enough there. I hear people younger than me hit notes that I thought only existed in auto tunes, or I see some of the writing on this blog and it’s like “I should probably scrap this journal mess.”

And it’s this fear that is causing me to not move forward, to be at a standstill. To sometimes loathe myself.

Thank goodness I’m past the phase of hating myself because I’m gay. Hopefully I’ll fight and win this battle as well.

Written by James