JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 11)
August 9
I’m having a moment. One of those moments where I feel like I’m bursting with so much creativity and ideas, and I can pick up a pen to write or to draw or write a short sad poem and sing. Moments like that are magical. However, I also get scared in these moments, because I know what comes after. Depression. I go back to my work and I feel like all I’ve done is crap. But until I reach that point, I’ll just enjoy this feeling for now.
I had an interesting Monday night and Tuesday morning. It was 11pm and I saw a Facebook post of my recent ex, Duke. He had said hi to me on Whatsapp a few weeks back, so I decided to return the favour. I’ve never been one to remain jolly friends with an ex but I decided to try. I honestly wish I rebuked the spirit of that urged me to say hello.
He was ecstatic to hear from me. He was in town on some engagement and wanted to know if he could stay at my place. I agreed.
Why did I agree? Maybe I did miss him a little and wanted to see if we could be friends. He did have interesting things to say sometimes. He got to my place around 11:30, and that was when the drama began. It was almost spontaneous.
He was still bitter over me cheating with my ex, and since I was done apologizing, I told him it happened months ago, that he should get over it. Harsh? Maybe. I did cheat after all. But to come and make me feel guilty in my own abode, when I could have been sleeping peacefully or watching my collection of porn . . . I just can’t.
He also had this absurd notion that I got back with him so I could break up with him. So I could have some sort of upper hand, so I could say that I won. I was beyond speechless at this childish claim. I remember quite vividly that he broke up with me, and I begged him to have me back, and he refused, and I started moving on quite nicely. Even when we got back together briefly, I knew our relationship had run its course and it was all over in my head. So this claim that I got back with him to break up with him was just too appalling.
He said a number of other things… He even mentioned the commenters of Kito Diaries. He had read my entry about him and he wasn’t too happy that I wasn’t scolded for cheating. He was also like, “What are they even looking for there? Do they just want to feel like they belong to some kind of group?”
Let’s just say things ended on a really sour note the next morning. He was supposed to be leaving, but he wasn’t, and I’d had enough of his wahala, and I had my rare moment when I turned into a bitch. My problem with getting angry is that I overdo it… and I overdid it.
He finally left, and I was glad that that was over.
*sigh* I think I should be a bit more understanding of him though. Breakups can be hard. I know this all too well. But he stays bitter about things that hurt him for quite a long time, and I’m not in the mood to be set on a guilt trip.
Not sure how people can be jolly pals with their exes anyways. There’s a twitter proverb which goes: “Saying we can still be friends after a breakup is like saying the dog died but we can still keep the body.”
There’s this notion some people seem to get about people they are trying to date. They think that since they have feelings for that person, it should be reciprocated in kind. Don’t get me wrong, you’re allowed to chase your love interest as much as you want. But going as far as expecting to be loved back is just being in a daydream.
There’s someone who has been asking me out, but it feels so good to be single right now I’ve told him no. Besides I don’t see why what could be a very good friendship should be complicated by feelings and such entanglements. Then he said something pretty silly, in my opinion: “You will not appreciate what you have until you lose it”, or something of that nature. I rolled my eyes when I read the text.
I know what I have, or could potentially have. He’s a great lover and friend, but believe me, I will not be too hurt if he decided that because of my inability to reciprocate feelings, he would cut me off. I’m a pretty malleable person; you can bend me over and bend me backwards if you want, but if I decide I don’t want to be bent, then forget it!
#TeamSingle is just too sweet to let go of now. I’m not talking about the free uninhibited sex (which I’m not even having anyways). I’m talking about not worrying about some other person. About doing me. My room is untidy the way I want it to be. I play games without having to worry about making conversation with my boo, or being too boring or anything of that nature. Sooner or later, the love bug would come right back up and bite me, but till then, I will sleep alone at night on my tiny mattress, and if I feel like I need company, I will invite my hand to my southern region and have a jolly good time on my own.
Talk about rambling. Here’s a video for you guys. I laughed so much when I watched this the first few times.
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18 Comments
earl
August 10, 06:38True talk…….. Like one of my favorite group sang : ‘Aint no feeling like being free, when your mind is made up, and your heart is in the right place’… Most people need to appreciate and value themselves. Being in a good relationship is great, but being single is awesome.
Rapu'm
August 10, 07:01Being single can be a very good thing, especially if you manage it well. For me, I have learnt to be happy in my own skin. If someone comes along, then fine–the complementing will be great because I have learnt to first love myself, which is what I think everybody ought to do, love themselves, for how else can you give love if you can’t take it for yourself?
My ex and I are good friends. Our relationship wasn’t conventional, and I was always confused and crying. He was older, you see, like four years older, and I a love-lorn first-year guy. We were friends before anything started happening, so why can’t we be friends now that we’re no longer doing stuff?; he’s confused about his sexuality, and I try to understand that. Plus his girlfriend (they just broke up) has become my good friend. She knows I’m gay, suspects that we did stuff. The good thing about my relationship with him is that with him, I leanrt, I matured, I cried, and I found friendship. It used to be hard sleeping over at his place and not touching, and feeling used afterwards; but now it’s like the norm. Some rambling, huh?
Chizzie
August 10, 07:55I think the idea of being friends with an ex just makes things awkward, lines are blurred, feelings become undefined. I severed contact with my ex afterwards, first things first: Deleted him off my bbm; I also got a new phone which further aided the severance as I wasn’t able to recover all four of his numbers. Recently we reconnected briefly and for a moment the idea of coming back together seemed ideal. But the reason for a break up still stands at the end of the day, soon we were back to fighting abt the same issue, for me it was good riddance to on old cargo.
Being single is great cause u get to spend all ur time and energy and resources taking care of u and you alone, self love is incomparable. No one can possibly love anyone else without first loving themselves. There are guy’s who want us to become exclusive, but the idea of sticking to one guy and one penis seems too restricting at the moment, not when there’s a sea of penis out there. #TeamSingleTill2015
pinkpanthertb
August 10, 08:08*doing a double take*
*scrolling back up to see the commenter’s name*
Yup its Chizzie. Chizzie who made this absolutely agreeable comment on an entry of James’ Journal. Darling, you do realize this is James’ Journal, right? The one place you’re not wired to be nice ☺
Khaleesi
August 10, 09:21hahahahhaa, Sista Pinky!! **gasp** I just realised you’re as big a bitch as our favourite in house bitch, lool.
great piece James, a huge fan of your writing from ‘the depths of your soul’ … after we 1st broke up, I genuinely wanted to be friends with my ex despite his being the one who broke things off … it worked for a bit, then I guess he missed the sex and wanted to get back together, but I had already mourned him and moved on, nah, no way am going back to lap up my vomit!! so he became this nasty, ugly bitch & now when we bump into each other we just walk past and maintain a stony silence. I frankly dont give a rain beaten shit!! some people are able to remain friends with their exes after a breakup though … good ones at that!
JustJames
August 10, 18:29Maybe I should join #TeamSingleTill2015 too… e don do. 4 years and 5 boyfriends. It’s okay.
pinkpanthertb
August 10, 19:14My, you’re quite the regular Jennifer Lopez, aintcha?
chestnut
August 10, 08:45I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being friends with an ex, if things didn’t end in a too-messy way (even then,time will make me forget d messiness and if he reaches out for frndship…well,no need to hold a grude; it aint that serious.)
Lothario
August 10, 12:50Being friends with an ex is very possible, but there’s that time apart that you both need so that everyone gets over whatever they’re feeling. Nice one James!
Dennis Macauley
August 10, 13:39I don’t have problems with being friends with and sleeping with an Ex! I get to have cakes without romantic entanglements!
Yes I am going to hell on a surfboard! Haul your stones elsewhere pinkie LOL
dan
August 10, 15:14I don’t think there is anything wrong in being ur ex’s friend. I have three exes that have taken six and half years of my life and there is no way I’ll throw that away. We are good friends, even with the one that the relationship ended in a messy situation. We always find ways to rise above the past and forge very good friendship.
But it’s not necessary if can’t manage it especially the emotional entanglement.
Nice piece James
pinkpanthertb
August 10, 16:44Oh James, I just watched that video now. Totally hilarious. Kai! see dissing nau…
JustJames
August 10, 18:26Ikr. I know the lyrics by heart now.. can’t even really remember the original.
ace
August 10, 20:44I have been a follower of parody videos on YouTube for a freaking long time. I am even subscribed to Bark Baker and Key of Awesome the makers of this parody, so damn funny. You should see more.
pinkpanthertb
August 11, 04:14Oh I have. Went on youtube and watched a few more videos. Totally hilarious. I even copied the links to a couple I intend to share here on KD
Video: Oh Look! It’s ‘Manny’ Cyrus! | kitodiaries
August 16, 05:06[…] watching the video attachment on James’ last diary entry on Sunday (See HERE), a video which was the parody of Shakira’s music video of Can’t Remember To Forget You […]
mirage
September 28, 05:07Nice one dude,that parody got me roaring with laughter!
Jan
February 12, 22:21I am glad we now know you are not scared of being alone