JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 43)
July 9
I’m not sure whether I’ve talked about this before… Bah! I don’t care.
Often, when I complain about how I’m worried about a test or exam to people, they go, “You’re smart, you’ll be fine.”
I feel it’s either they are trying to shut me up because I can be a basket case of unnecessary insecurities, or they really do believe I’m smart. Brilliant even, maybe.
But that shii does not help matters at all. It seems to add a bit more pressure even.
Looking at all my previous results has me wondering where the smart boy from secondary school went to. You know, the one who could memorize a biology text book and give answers in class without batting an eyelid or stuttering.
All I seem to do now is struggle. Struggle to read, struggle to memorize, struggle to wake up to burn the midnight oil. And then I get to the exam hall and I panic as the things I’ve been desperately trying to cling to in my brain ups and vanishes. Words that should have been familiar to me become strangers and I feel like my brain is an empty room when it had earlier been crowded with so much information.
I used to beat myself up about it. Then I decided to do something extra for a parasitology test. There were lots of scientific names to remember and some of them were kind of complicated. One I had a lot of difficulty remembering was platynosomum.
I decided to get creative. I broke down the words – platy (because I’m doing flatwork and ‘platy’ is Latin or something for ‘flat’), nonso (a light skinned secondary school classmate of mine I suspect might be gay in hindsight), and mum (for mother).
On many an occasion, I’d be doing something, and then try to remember the word. Most times I’d be successful. When I wasn’t, I’d go back to look at the species again.
Then the test came and they asked for the name of the parasite. And I was fucking blank. Just fucking blank! I wanted to cry. The stupid work almost destabilized me for that test.
Exams are close now. I’ve been studying beforehand. It’s getting more intense now. But to be honest, I’m very scared. There’s so much to know, and as I know some, it’s like my brain decides to discard the earlier ones. So it feels like I’ve not even studied at all.
I had a test on Monday that was a total disaster. A fucking disaster! I was in the exam hall and I saw my re-sit or possible carryover flash before my eyes. That test was one of the tests I know I studied for but the lecturer decided to bring out some pretty fucked up questions.
And what’s with the lecturer asking stupid questions like how I’m going to use the lab to diagnose the subspecies of pseudomonas down to the antigenic level, when heaven knows I’ll be on the field injecting sick horses or something, and sending samples to the lab for lab workers who spent many years studying that shii and not just two cramped sessions. Why isn’t the old man concentrating on telling us what the microbe can cause, why it causes it, how to treat it and all that jazz? Instead he’s asking me for differential medium. Differential medium, my sorry flat arse! Ugh. I swear if I saw his house on fire, I’d even add kerosene to it.
So yea, I’m pretty fucked and exams aren’t even here yet, though they are around the corner.
And please, can anyone let me know I’m not the only one who isn’t the smartest in their class?! Because on more than one occasions, people have mentioned how gay people tend to be the smartest in the bunch and I’m rolling my eyes at the stereotype. Or is it just people just wanting to give themselves hope? Though sometimes, I think it’s true, but that’s mostly because gay people tend to be overachievers due to the fact that they’ve got shit to prove.
Maybe I should console myself small. I’m not dumb. I’m guessing the style of education I’m experiencing is not playing to the best part of how I learn. Besides I can do other things quite well…I think.
Nah! This isn’t working. I’m going to have a good cry now. *locks bathroom door in KD headquarters and starts bawling like a baby*
*
I’m a sad, sad human being.
I used to think I am happy.
But no, I feel more at home when things are sad. I have a sad soul.
I think it shows up when I sing. Love songs are nice and all, but I’m in the zone when I’m singing about heartbreak. I think I channel that sad energy and try to translate it into my voice. I pick up memories from previous struggles and heartaches and – voila! – Sad song a La perfecto!
The twist is when I attempt to write my own sad song. It just doesn’t work for me. But happy sugary songs about sunshine and love and watching people sleep (creepy though it is)…I can write those.
So maybe I’m sad but I want to be happy?
Anyhoo, I wish I knew how to write deep shit that only people who are high can understand. You know, talk about how death is like a thousand black crows stealing through the night to snuff out the life of a demon goddess’s baby. Then I’d wear all black with mascara and paint my fugly nails black (or red when I feel feisty) and keep my hair long and unkempt, and I’d say fuck the world because I’m just cool like that and I have artistic freedom…
*
I think I have a problem. Almost any new person I meet now, I sort of gauge mentally in my head from my first few impressions on whether they are husband/boyfriend material. Lol. Like “would I be happy spending the rest of my life with this person and the fifteen dogs, ten cats and parrots I intend to keep when I’ve settled?”
Then I’d slap myself mentally. Like seriously? I’ve only known the guy for about ten minutes.
I sorta started doing that to my friend’s (the girl who knows I’m gay) boyfriend. I was mortified. And it’s entirely her fault.
She’s always talking about how great he is and how he’s so in love with her. And the guy is cute. She now makes it worse by telling me shit he does that shows he could be into guys, but that he’s either very good at ignoring those feelings or suppressing them or whatever.
For example, he doesn’t mind trying female wigs on. He has said to her that if he went to a boy’s only school, he could have been at least bi. I like his honesty with her. Did I mention that he’s cute?
So, when I realised being around him sort of left me feeling flustered, and that I would have weird yearnings for him (or someone) when she talked about how great he was or the semi gay shit he does, I started to avoid them when they were together. Then when she still kept talking about how great he is, I asked her to stop. She asked why and I told her. She asked what would happen if he ever made a move on me, in case he is indeed bi.
Tough question, that one.
I told her it would be difficult to say no (did I mention he’s cute?), but that I’d make sure I tell her and try not to stab her in the back. I’m 98% sure I’d tell her (97% if I’m not horny when he makes a move). She’s been quite awesome to me and I don’t want to do anything to ruin the friendship.
I’m however secretly hoping they’d crash, and for some reason, he’d come crying to me and shit would go down and we’d become lovers…
Just kidding…
Or am I?
*mysterious and dramatic music plays in the background*
*
Here’s a most recent painting done by Yours Truly on my phone.
I call it the Tree of Fabulousness, because the Tree of Life is so cliché. Everybody wants to draw or see the tree of life, and very few know about the tree of fabulousness. But if you feel it’s the tree of life, then maybe you’re right, because life IS fabulous. So I guess fabulous must be life. I’m rambling and probably not making sense, right?
Then here are two song covers – sad songs. I hope I did justice to them. Any criticism is welcome. Come at me with them claws and guns, KD! *rips open shirt to expose chest*(Click on the titles to download)
AMNESIA by 5SOS (I got déjà vu from typing this. Does it mean I’ve posted the cover before? Well whatever!)
JEALOUS by Labrinth (I love to hate this guy for capturing almost exactly the emotions of one of my breakups. I really hope I did justice to this one)
If your criticism will be on how I need to improve the guitar playing skills or change my strings, lemme save you the trouble. I know!!! But after about twenty takes, I’m only a human being playing his guitar in the kitchen. Why the kitchen? Good acoustics! Duh!
Would have put an option for streaming, but my Sound-Cloud is directly linked to my Facebook. So, you know, before I become the originator of stories that touch.
I feel like this has been one weird journal entry. It feels good though. I’m tired of talking about how role stereotyping sucks or about internal homophobia and all that shii that weighs a man down. And yes, this is how my mind works almost all day. It’s a magical and miserable place to be in.
PS: If I ever become someone prominent in the society, be it a rock star or just being fucking rich, I earnestly pray and hope I’d be bold enough to come out or at least speak and FIGHT for the rights of the LGBT in Nigeria. In the meantime, I’ll just keep dropping subtle hints to my pals that I’m fabulously gay.
Peace out, bisheeeeesss!
Written by James
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29 Comments
Dennis Macaulay
July 19, 06:01I am obsessed with James to the point that he may need a restraining order, so I can never be objective with my comments here!
James; my painting? And my Memory card? I’m watching you
JustJames
July 19, 09:49*hides face*
I haven’t forgotten Dennis and I know I said this Friday but life is getting in the way. You won’t believe the week I had. My school is out to kill me. I’ll get it to you in due time. Ma binu.
Ace
July 19, 06:05OK I just came to complain about the site oh! I can’t see one of the post from yesterday. I want to read from there before catching up with today’s post. I think this is the first wahala I have with the site and no emojis. Help ASAP
Ace
July 19, 06:09Arrrgh! Isn’t there an archive for all posts on the page? Why am I being limited to five (two from yesterday and the three from today) ?
Masked Man
July 19, 06:51Use the calendar.
Pink Panther
July 19, 07:51Ace, use the calendar and you’ll access the posts for the days you want.
Ace
July 19, 07:57Yay!!! Back on track! Thanks guys. *covers face in olodo shame*
Francis
July 19, 06:22I’m so grateful to God I studied for my degree outside Naija. I for don fail tire. Nigerian lecturers have this obsession with stressing students with shit that don’t matter at all at their level. Oyibo man own be say at each stage in your learning, there are basic stuff you’re supposed to know and they stick to just that making jacking so much easier. The only benefit of Naija educational system is that it creates over achievers; wizzy babies. 😀
With regards to your friends BF, if I were in your shoes I’d rat the nigga out one time if he tries anything funny. Some boundaries are just too sacred to be toyed with. I don’t think I’d come this far without the unsolicited support she has given me over the years and I ain’t throwing that away for some curious nigga. Besides the last thing I need is for her to see gay folks as fucking soulless predators. Lol.
Rev; Hot
July 19, 07:37it’s official. I have a favourite series, favourite person and favourite online personality on KD. and they all have one WOrd in common—- James!
Flecks
July 19, 08:01Happy to be sad! and you not the only one that turned from a sec school guru to a university olodo, those lecturers just won’t set questions on the part someone read, I taya for them.
Gauging people to check for your compatibility is a norm,sometimes even trying to predict their zodiac to know your degree of compatibility, ahh!
JustJames
July 19, 09:59Some people people are obsessed with that zodiac shii. I like to learn about it but it’s too generalised. Can’t use that to determine compatibility abeg.
Flecks
July 19, 12:04well,it gives a preliminary understanding of people’s behavior nd way of thinking but of course it’s not always accurate …works for me tho (most times)
kacee
July 19, 11:31*moves closer to james* your friend (the girl) soooooo is she ? …….. Nothing just that….*resumes crying*
Francis
July 19, 11:56Someone is very interested! James help a sister out. Who knows, she might be the ticket to a guilt-free hookup. LOL
JustJames
July 19, 12:04Looool kacee… If it’s what I think you’re asking I don’t think she is.. As far as I know sha.
kacee
July 19, 12:59Lol, ok
Sinnex
July 19, 12:43You are studying a very wrong course. You need to do something about it. We all can’t blame the lecturers for every educational woes one experiences. If you love what you do, you will be good at it. You are still young. You need to find your rhythm.
Max
July 19, 21:14What course did you study?
Francis
July 19, 21:38Ghen ghen. Super Max to the rescue.
Django
July 19, 16:09@Sinnex, what do you mean by ‘studying a very wrong course’, ‘ do something about it’ or ‘finding your rhythm’? Should he drop out of school and start all over? Please explain yourself.
JOJOARMANI
July 19, 23:53hehehehe… Sinnex… Nice writeup james..
Ace
July 20, 02:12Wait oh! No comment on those covers? Are you guys serious? Really? Really? Really? I just listened to Amnesia and I loved it! Lemme go listen to the other one.
Francis
July 20, 06:01Lol. I thought they were just instrumentals that’s why I didn’t bother.
James I don’t know the songs you do sound good singing them. Try bathroom acoustics. Way better than the kitchen.
JustJames
July 20, 06:13The bathroom would have you hearing the drip drip from my faulty water closet. Hopefully next time I upload it would be a studio demo of an original.
Francis
July 20, 06:16Drip drop, drip drippity drop. Lol. You could have tried one of them with that sound in the background. May have come out right 😉
JustJames
July 20, 06:35I swear empire be doing things to people.. That’s how someone said he imagined the ticking of time as “tick tock, tickity tock”
Francis
July 20, 06:41Lol. I don’t actually like that song (same applies for most empire songs anyway). It just came to my mind instantly because you mentioned the leaky faucet’s drip drip sound
Ace
July 20, 02:20The covers are amazing! Loved both of them. You are gingering me to go learn how to play a guitar cos it was so nice with your voice. (You kinda sound like an African version of Marc Anthony). Nice again and more please.
JustJames
July 20, 05:59Thank you Ace.. *big grin*