JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 56)

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 56)

February 17

Wednesday was a pretty shitty day. The sun beat down on everything with a vengeance and since I didn’t have change, I had to do quite a lot of walking. A number of disappointments had come my way, so I was in a pretty foul mood.

Then I received a call. It was an international number. Strange. When I picked up the call, the voice on the other end was male and unfamiliar.

“Do you know who is speaking?” he asked.

“No.”

He introduced himself. He was some pastor my mum had taken me to see last year in a bid to diagnose why I was gay (there’d be no need for that if she’d just read things apart from her bible and Open Heavens, and watched other stuff as fervently as she watches African Magic Yoruba) and hopefully put me on a prayer regimen that would cease the gayness in me. His diagnosis was that I was in bondage and would need to go on a fast with fruits for a few weeks, blah, blah, blah.

Anyhow, I hadn’t heard from him since then. My mother had urged me to keep in contact with him. The fuck I would! How would that even work? “Forgive me, aladura, for I have sinned. Last night, I dreamt I fucked a boy and today I kept staring at eggplants on twitter.”

No wonder I didn’t recognise his voice. He proceeded to ask me how my program was going and I assumed he was talking about my studies since I quit the hunger strike fast immediately I got back to school. Then he asked if I was staying away from bad company. I did a mental rundown of all my friends and people I’d been hanging out with. They are pretty decent human beings, so I said yes. He asked if I was sure. Like dude, if I wasn’t, would I even tell you? Do I even bloody know you? But I was civil and said yes. Then he said he only called to check up on me. And he hung up.

After the call, I started to panic a bit. Was there something I had done and/or forgotten to clear up when I was home that my mum had seen which prompted her to call the man to lament or something? I did a mental check. I had disposed of evidence the only time I had managed a tryst at home. I had only done safe-for-work internet activities on my mother’s devices. I hadn’t left any bit of writing lying around.

Then I remembered that I’d written a short story and put it in my Facebook wall. It was about a paranoid person in a relationship with someone else. I didn’t specify the dynamics of the relationships, whether it was gay or straight, neither did I specify gender roles. I used the first person narrative.

My uncle saw the story and commented that he hoped it was fiction. Gosh! I hate nosy relatives. Being confident that writing is art and I was just being creative because this story wasn’t something that happened to me, I assured him that it was entirely fiction.

I didn’t think he believed me.

My mum had called him once before and sort of relayed her ‘fears’ to him that I was gay. Just like she relayed the same to all her sisters and probably some church members in a bid to get them to pray for me and all that *shaking my head*

So maybe he saw the story and decided to report to my mum, and my mum had in turn called the pastor, and he had in turn called me for whatever reason. I’m yet to confirm this, but this is most likely the reason for this man’s intrusion into my life. I know my mother. Something must have been triggered somewhere and this story-on-my-wall was the only place I had disturbed the waters concerning sexuality.

I’m patiently waiting for the time when I can be on my own and tell her to please leave me alone in that aspect. I have given up hope that she will accept me or even tolerate the idea that her son is gay.

*

I was having a conversation with someone and I called him a rapist. It was a joke. He said he wasn’t a rapist. And then he further said that he’d had the opportunity to rape someone before and he didn’t.

I wonder if people think of the shit they say before it leaves their mouths.

He went on to tell me about how he was supposed to do one guy. Then it turned out they are both Top, and because of that, they stopped making out and went to get drinks. The other guy got pretty tipsy, and he started to touch the guy when they got back to the room. He even fingered him, and then the guy feebly protested. And so, he stopped. And because of that, he feels proud of himself.

Are you kidding me?

In what book is it okay to try to get with someone under the influence of alcohol in the first place, even to go as far as fingering them? Then because despite the fact that you had a raging hard-on, you didn’t force yourself on him, you think you are decent human being, and it’s a story you think you should be proud of retelling instead of covering your face in shame that it even crossed your mind that you could  force yourself on someone. TUEH!!

I said my mind to him, albeit more kindly. But seriously, we need to understand some shii about sex and respecting people’s bodies. If there was no consent whatsoever, even if you had started and consent was withdrawn, the good thing to do is to respect that person’s decision.

But no, not in this misogynistic society where male privilege runs a mock; and definitely not in Nigeria where the average female is seen (and even considers herself) as male property to be done with as the man pleases.

*

I have been reading a book – David and Goliath. It’s quite insightful and has many truths. You know how some things make it look like the enemy (I use that word loosely) is big and strong? Sometimes it’s actually a source of weakness. And the twist is that what you think makes you weak can actually play to your strength.

The author used David and Goliath as an example. Goliath was a mammoth of a man and was defeated by puny David. Yeah, God was with David and all, but David sef is one smart Alec. Goliath was infantry – a foot soldier. David had skills with a sling (slings were like guns in those days when used by adept hands). So he didn’t need to use close combat to defeat Goliath. What’s more, Goliath was most likely expecting a trained fellow foot soldier but was caught by surprise when he saw the scrawny lad ambling towards him with a sling.

That’s an example of turning your apparent weakness – such as David’s small size – to strength. Remember David refused the armor because it would slow him down. Then he used Goliath’s size against him. The giant was basically a sitting target. It’s also believed that Goliath was a bit blind because he needed his shield bearer to guide him; a side effect of the possible brain tumor that had caused him to become a giant.

All this is explained much better in the book. And I must say that I agree with the author. Sometimes weaknesses are strengths in disguise. I have my moments where I feel emotionally and psychologically down, and I hate them. I hate how sensitive I am, and I wish I could be tough and unfeeling. But to be very honest, some of my best work creatively has been done when I feel those intense emotions. I even feel much better after doing those things.

So maybe take a look at those things you call your flaws. Maybe you only consider them so because society has led you to believe that they are flaws. Look at them critically and I’m sure you’ll realise that in the grand scheme of things, they are not flaws but just an integral part of your nature to help you do great things. In every human being lies greatness. You just need to do a little digging and believe you’ll find it and a whole lot of hard work to achieve it.

Written by James

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21 Comments

  1. simba
    February 21, 09:21 Reply

    The pastor was chyking u… don’t be naive.. and ur Mum is outting to the public,not good for ur safety,she is hurting u and putting ur life and career in danger.. I think u need to explain to her, that her supposed friends could use the information she is giving to them to hurt u tomorrow. Every family has its own secrets and shii.. they don’t go round the market running their mouth…sorry if I were harsh,but ur Mum is too naive.

    • Francis
      February 21, 13:54 Reply

      Thanks for this. Hopefully I’ll remember it when my turn comes to come out to them.

      P.S: Abeg send your digits via email to PP so he can forward it to me. Thanks.

  2. ambivalentone
    February 21, 09:38 Reply

    You know Pinkie, I am beginning to lean more on my conspiracy theories. Inputs far in between and then sudden inexplicable outages of the site….SABOTAGE!!!! *tears hair*

    Lol @ “Forgive me, aladura’
    #sigh Its just sad. Ignoring beautiful pieces because you know the writer is gay?? Shame. A prophet….yada yadi ya
    Oooooh!!!! That’s why Goliath couldn’t see d shot. He was blind. Anyways, cynical me just as well might say,Goliath used his weakness well…to intimidate. Only he ended up dead. Let that be a lesson to trolls and cyber bullies. Arrivederci!

    • Pink Panther
      February 21, 09:43 Reply

      Lol. About your conspiracy theories, the issue is an internal affair we are working to permanently rectify. It’s disturbing and frustrating, I know. Hopefully, it will also be history soon. Do bear with us. 🙂

  3. Absalom
    February 21, 11:20 Reply

    What Simba said. If your mum is calling everyone for help, beg her to stop; it could have nasty repercussions.

  4. Kenny
    February 21, 11:25 Reply

    James I think you should be very firm with your mum. In this part of the world many of us don’t like to speak our minds FIRMLY to people older than us especially our parents. Put your foot down, tell your mum enough is enough she shouldn’t tell everyone about you. Let her know she’s hurting you by doing this, don’t be going through emotional turmoil simply because you don’t want to hurt your mum.

  5. Jamie
    February 21, 12:06 Reply

    If my parent ever dared to out me to everyone she needs pity from, I’d dare to warn them strongly, in the most polite way possible to steer off my path!! Sometimes these old people need young peeps to advise them too…

  6. Max 2.1
    February 21, 12:14 Reply

    @James, I don’t even know what to tell you anymore. We need to talk biko.. Holla me when you’re free.

  7. Francis
    February 21, 13:55 Reply

    Uncle James when did this your coming out happen? I missed it. Send me a link abeg.

  8. Tiercel de Claron
    February 21, 15:48 Reply

    What others said.
    You need to have some serious talk with your parent.

  9. iamcoy
    February 21, 17:33 Reply

    The David and Goliath analogy was beautiful… Kudos!! Another nice one

  10. Santa Diaba
    February 21, 19:44 Reply

    I think you were too harsh with the guy who fingered his friend. They were both drunk and horny, and I applaud the fact that he had the presence of mind to know when to stop.

  11. sensei
    February 21, 19:48 Reply

    I can’t even imagine what you are going through. You seem to be handling it well. Are you? If yes, stay strong.

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