Hello boys and girls, it’s John Oceans again. Hopefully, you will be hearing a lot from me this period because it’s the Hollywood award season and the red carpet is buzzing with fashion. I will be reporting on the hits, misses and the “oh no she didn’t!”
It was the NAACP Image awards last week and Yours Truly went over the photos from the red carpet. So pour yourselves glasses of Sherry please, and let’s do this.
THE HITS
GABRIELLE UNION
This babe has truly discovered the fountain of youth. It’s almost as if she hasn’t aged a day since Deliver Us From Eva. This is a stunning dress with plenty drama, but notice how she kept her hair and accessories minimal to allow the dress do all the talking. This is a woman who knows her fashion onions and I wish I can see more of her on red carpets.
TRACEY ELLIS-ROSS
This was quite surprising to see. Who would have thought she had it in her. Amazing! Flawless! This is a very beautiful look and her boobs are quite nice (motor boat, anyone?). Black dresses can be very basic but with the bit of sparkle that was added to this one, aunty is a winner. (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)
LAVERNE COX
YASS!
She brought it! Girl redeemed herself from the SAG awards disaster! (Review on that coming up soon). Everything was on fleek here! Nne came to slay biko! (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)
WILL SMITH AND JADA PINKETT-SMITH
These two people are always so perfect, it’s unnerving! I’m hoping for a scandal from their household, like she caught him with the driver lol.
Her dress is stunning and his black tie/black shirt combo is a winner!
YARA SHAHIDI
Clean effortless glamour! Amazing! Simplicity can truly be elegant! She reminds me of Nneka.
JIMMY JEAN-LOUIS
*fans self vigorously*
It’s suddenly very hot in here! PP, what happened to the air conditioning! Jesus! This man is delicious! Who cares about his clothes, he should take it all off!
MICHAEL B. JORDAN
Was he melted and poured into the tuxedo? Damn daddy! Fits him like glove! Everything on fleek!
ALFRED ENOCH
I cannot comment on this guy without losing my dignity! Let me not say anything before they call me names. *grabs pears body lotion*
*
THE ERM…OKAY
ESTELLE
Something just doesn’t look right about this dress, and I am thinking that the problem with it is Estelle herself. She just doesn’t have the IT factor.
BRYSHERE Y. GRAY
I know men should push the envelope with their tuxedo and all, but there are some clothes made for the disco and some made for the red carpet! This looks like something that Alex Ekubo or Uti Nwachukwu would wear and tag it SLAY. I just want to yank off that jacket and use it to wrap a birthday present! Unkul, it’s not werking!
GABOUREY SIDIBE
(*aside* John, it’s a new year, please be nice to people)
I won’t criticize this girl. I am actually worried about her health, because her obesity is spiraling out of control. This is the biggest I have seen her look and she is wearing a slimming color. This girl needs a bypass ASAP. Mushin ministry people, print this picture and put on your cubicle wall, so every time you want to eat amala, you remember this and drop it.
TIKA SUMPTER
This girl shops at Yaba under bridge, no doubt about it. Look closely at the dress and see if I am lying. This is bend-down-select at its best.
AMBER RILEY
This one that will not leave pounded yam and isi-ewu alone is rocking crop top? Chai, person don suffer! She looks like a hot air balloon about to float away.
LAURA GOVAN
Sucking belle make shirt fine! Lol. Nne, breathe, make you no faint.
WENDY ROBINSON
Clearly she was a peacock in a former life, which is the only explanation for this mess. Did Omotola pass the baton to you? Because she holds the patent on bird-inspired fashion.
*
THE ‘WHO DID THIS TO YOU?’
NATURI NAUGHTON
She looks like a classy escort going to a party for perverted old billionaires. Girl looks very uncomfortable; waist trainers go kill these girls one day. Plus the boobs are very tacky, like we can literally see her areolas. This is downright tacky and screams “Unilag runs babe”.
SERAYAH
Legs and shoulders at the same time?
NO!
MONIQUE COLEMAN
Too much is going on here, like her way-too-many trends have made her look ratchet. Where does she get inspiration from? Beyoncé’s videos? With all the embellishments and the cut-outs, she still rocks a thigh high slit? Edakun! (WORST DRESS NOMINEE)
KERRY WASHINGTON
It beats me how this lady never seems to get her fashion right! I am very confused by this dress, I feel like something is very wrong here. When you are an A-list TV actress and you show up on a red carpet looking like a rape victim, people should really be concerned.
It looks like the inner black dress was torn, and then her stylist gave her a slip to wear which was tied underneath the bust area. Biko if you don’t have anything to wear, STAY AT HOME! It’s not that serious. THIS IS AN EPIC FAIL AND SHE IS A WORST DRESSED NOMINEE WITH 4 STARS
KEKE PALMER
She looks like a ghost who died by hanging herself in her nightdress! Abeg waka go front! (WORST DRESS NOMINEE)
KHADIJA AND MALIKA HAQQ
They look like Karishikas! Downright tacky! See eh, with class, it’s either you have it or you don’t, nothing in between.
ANITA HAWKINS
She must have a stable full of zebras, so it’s only natural for her to slaughter a couple of them and skin them for the material to have this fabric made. On top of that, she is practicing how to fly, so again, let’s cut her some slack. Oh, and aunty, next time pay attention to your crotch area. The finish there is tacky! (WORST DRESS NOMINEE)
OVERALL BEST DRESSED is Laverne Cox,
OVERALL WORST DRESSED is Kerry Washington! I believe her Nigerian in-laws who want their son to marry an Igbo girl are doing these things to her lol.
Cheers!
Lol! Nice one Ocean. I agree with you, best dressed goes to Larvene. Would have said what Bryshere wore looks Kcee inspired but remembered our homeboy would have slammed a purple pant to go with it.
I dunno if the Anita babe tot she was going to perform at the circus. Smh
AND SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HELP GABOUREY!!!!!! ?? ??WTH!
True, but there are concerns about her health too. I don’t think he zinged her for being fat, plus she is in Hollywood and can get a lot of help/support.
I don’t know sha, I am also afraid for her health because I really like her!
And here’s a penny to go invest in a sense of humour. Yeah…. You can keep the change to.
Dear Enugu Guy
I am really flattered!
Thanks!
PS: I lived in Enugu at some point
I thought I was the only one who saw it, he looks unkept..
Ah but he’s werking his rugged sexiness while looking unkempt, no? *lustful sigh*
Amala and fufu isn’t fattening, for me at least,one month of eating strictly amala n fufu,I only got fat on my face.still 60kg..smh.
Oh Onyx, I sometimes envy your endless skinniness
You just a hoe for unkept-looking men: Idris Elba, Akpos, Akpan and co.. ?
Oh wow you’re 60kg???? .. I could’ve sworn you were pushing 30..
i was actually 15kg max,until TB Joshua called me and prophesied an extra 45kg into my life **flips afro as I’m stepping into formation**
Awww..thank you pinky….í ½í¸í ½í¸
LMAO! John Ocean, you are hilarious! And your barbs at fat celebrities… You must be very skinny. But you’re right though. Gabourey should really take a leaf from Jennifer Hudson’s book and start working on her weight. Jeez, girl! Are you looking to explode one day? It’s because of her obesity that the internet lashed out at her love scene on Empire. Pretty sure that if she were slimmer, the backlash at that love scene wouldn’t have happened. There was just something eww-ish about her snuggling with that hot guy.
hahahaha! this was a nice read,gabourey needs to loose weight !there is a thin line between self love ,self confidence and being outrightly delusional! she looks like burnt puff puff!tweh
Did anybody miss the darkness now being experienced in the Mushin area?
*Sips Coffee*
“Mushin ministry people, print this picture and put on your cubicle wall, so every time you want to eat amala, you remember this and drop it.”.
???????
Body shaming fat people is never a good thing because you’re not in their lives to know what demons they battle. It also tends to stereotype fat people in a general poor way. This in particular, was so unctuous and indecent assault on Ms Sidibe. I doubt I ever want to read comments like these again.
Dear Dennis Macaulay,
i think am loving you more than i think.
sincerely yours.
That’s cool
Lmao….u nasty!
That Estelle be slouching like she was threatened to be smacked if she doesn’t go to church
Tika’s dress is simple and lovely
Serayah looks like a highly priced n classy escort. I half expected to see a cigarette between her fingers. She is sexy and knows it.
Keke, the train/skirt musta decieved u. That. shii is meant for the indoors…u n ur lover style
Gabourey, I will go with Ocean on this. Big and Bold will become Big n Dead if u don’t watch it. That one arm be competing with my two laps joined
Wendy isn’t so bad abeg
Laverne cox for me and why is Alfred Enoch looking like that, WTF?
DM can we be friends?
Thanks John Oceans. These reports of yours got me cracking. From the Zebra fabric and wanting to fly, amongst others I almost died of laughter in the office.
Thank you.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂, haba John Oceans, amala is fattening jhor!!!!!!, kai, laff wan kill me.
I thought this was about the dresses? Now we are adding body shaming to the list. Great!
And rape victims, really? Low blow John. Low blow.
Quite frankly, I wonder how Gabourey breathes. Her weight is a major health risk. I think She needs to be on the biggest Looser show. Is that show still on? It was the most inspirational weight loss show I’d ever watched.
Is this ‘Amala’ so fattening? I have seen multiple refrences to it! What is it made of?
OK. That KeKe palmer’s dress is just awful. Total rubbish.
*drags onyx Godwin to the side and hands a big book on shade-ology*
I think I got in a trance by continuously staring at Anita Hawkins costume