KD’s Fashion Police: The Met Gala 2015
Hello, guys, it’s John Ocean again, yes that John Ocean, and no thank you, I did not. So, the Met Gala came and went, and I loved every minute of it. I did not want any secondhand stories, so I had to buy black market *sigh* to charge the inverter the day before, and then still filled the generator tank for the day (only Nigerians will understand). I mean, this is the Oscars of Fashion. We cannot leave matters in the hands of PHCN.
The red carpet did not disappoint. These ladies (and gentlemen) brought their A-game. Not minding a few disappointments, I was reminded that our stars on this side of the planet are light years behind on the fashion stakes. Meanwhile, when I saw Kris Jenner, I was positive Kanye had nude photos of Anna Wintour that he is using to blackmail her, because Kris has no place at the Met Gala. Anna had previously said she does not invite reality TV stars to the event, because she does not consider them actors. But then, Kanye blackmailed her into letting Kim attend last year. Now Mama Kris this year. No nau! Kanye is blackmailing Anna. Simple! And I shall find out why.
Anyway, let’s delve into some fashion with my Hits, Misses and the ‘Erm…Okay’. Feel free to disagree where necessary.
THE GOOD
Sarah Jessica Parker
She came like a warrior with blazing guns to a pistol fight, which is really not surprising, considering she played Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City. The Philip Treacy headpiece was amazing and I believe this picture was what Alicia Keys had in mind when she did the ‘This Girl Is On Fire’ song.
I think she embodied the theme of the event very well and looked like a Chinese goddess coming down to destroy the Kardashians.
Madonna and Katy Perry
They both wore arty gowns and coordinated their outfits in a sort of Goth-sexy way and I loved it. I especially love Madonna, that woman keeps defying her age! She is the real queen. #NoShade
Katie Holmes
It was very refreshing to see her in this Zac Posen dress. I nearly stood up to clap when she walked in; the short hair was a fresh take. She looks like a good witch that will give you the potion to land that hot university teacher we have been gushing about. Getting rid of Tom Cruise was clearly the best decision she made.
Rihanna
Bravo! BRAVO! Forget the hilarious memes you saw online, Rihanna knocked it out of the park in this yellow Guo Pei dress. I mean, she is a star. The dress and its insane train fit very well with the theme of the event, and most importantly, she was wearing the dress and not the dress wearing her.
Riri is a risk taker in fashion, and in my opinion, she has had more misses than hits. But this time around, she hit a high note perfectly.
Solange
Now this look is very controversial and had a lot of mixed reviews, but it was a win to me. I know it looks like she brought a shield to battle Jay Z, but Solange is a fashion girl and this is a very fashion forward dress at a very fashion forward event. If anybody can pull off this look without coming across as trying too hard, it is Solange.
This is a win for me.
Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka
Because they both look dashing. Because they are both gay. And because Dennis will marry me, and we will attend red carpet events together like this, while JArch dies slowly.
End of discussion.
Justin Bieber
Okay I like the new Bieber; his underwear ads have left me hot and flustered. This is also a great look on him; the embroidered jacket was in line with the theme as they seem to have Chinese dragons drawn on them. I will however pretend he is not wearing SUN glasses at NIGHT, and totally ogle his hot body frame too. Good one, Justin, I was gonna send you over to the Twink lord for inspection, but he just proposed to me (yes I have a ring, any questions?). So I have decided against it.
Amal Clooney
This sharp babe came into Hollywood and stole its most eligible bachelor, breaking gazillions of hearts, including mine. *dabs at eye with hanky* She has also been finding herself on the style stakes and this layered red number is on point.
Take your eyes away from George Clooney for a moment and notice how the dress sparkles, her minimal jewelry and the hair. Amal is a star, no questions asked.
THE ‘ERM…OKAY’
Beyoncé
Okay, I know I am going to get bashed for putting her here *puts on bulletproof vest and smiles at KingBey* But Beyoncé has done this look way too many times, and it has gotten old. She wore something similar at the 2012 Met Gala as well as at the Oscars. I am actually bored by this, I need to see more.
Beyoncé does not need a lot of nudity, she is THE QUEEN! We get it, her body is banging, but there is such a thing as Too Much. We have seen enough of her in sheer…NEEEEEEEEEEEEXT! *in Marki Costello’s voice*
Kim Kardashian
If your claim to fame is a sex tape, and if everywhere we turn, there is a nude picture of you, then maybe you should actually start wearing clothes on the red carpet, if you want to be taken seriously, that is. We have seen enough of Kim’s body to last a million years, like enough already.
One more thing, Kimmie, do not copy people’s looks. They were photographed too and WE WILL REMEMBER. #NoShade
Anne Hathaway
I guess she has been in some futuristic movies, so much so that she already thinks it’s 2055. I believe this is how nuns will be looking in 2055, and Annie was kind enough to give us a sneak peek. This was very underwhelming and downright boring.
Selena Gomez
This is how you dress when you are half angel and half whore at the same time. I think that in heaven’s hoe district, there are angels who give blow jobs at street corners, and I strongly believe this is what they look like.
Meanwhile, is she getting fat?
Kate Hudson, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and Jessica Chastain
Clearly these women thought they were going to the Golden Globes. I think the invitation (bearing the dress code) was sent to them via NIPOST, so they never got them. On account of this, we will forgive them.
Miley Cyrus
She looks anemic! Good Lawd! This is a hideous dress which is complicated by her skinny – scratch that, bony body. Someone needs to sit this girl down and give her some food plus a bottle of Ranferon.
Naomi Campbell
She looks like a very expensive broom used to dust cobwebs. One word: UNDERWHELMED.
THE WTF
Lady Gaga
Where do I even start? I guess this look was geisha inspired, but bikonu, did she eat all the geisha in Shoprite? This dress does nothing whatsoever for her body. At a point, while she walked the carpet, I was certain the dress was going to turn into Aladdin’s carpet and fly away, leaving her stranded.
Lady Gaga wears art, but it has to look good please!!!
Lisa Bonet
I think her own invitation says ‘Antique chic’, which is why she looks like a witch from 1922. This is a cringe worthy dress, the fabric is so heavy and looks like it is wearing her, the neck is so high and she still put on chandelier earrings… sigh.
If you are a woman and you pose with a man, who proceeds to look better than you, you should find your way to TB Joshua. Only he can fix this.
FKA Twigs
I understand that she tries to be different, but the thing with always trying to be (and sound) different at all times is that sometimes you fall flat on your face. This dress is like an art project at my two-year-old nephew’s school.
How many legs does she even have? Is a hand touching her boobs? And who wears an eggplant on their dress? This look was an epic fail and did not even resemble the theme in anyway. The dress looks like an exhibit in a rape case or something used to scare little children into eating their veggies.
Zendaya Coleman
Zendaya is a very pretty girl and yes, she is a fashion girl, but this dress is clearly wearing her in my opinion. She did not pull off this look, it completely overwhelms her. I see this dress and I think Rita Ora, Diane Krugger or Heidi Klum. Certainly not Zendaya! Sorry, but to me this was an epic fail. She should have chopped off that ridiculous train of her dress, unless that was her attempt at showing us what her vagina will look like when she gets old – red and trailing behind her.
Kerry Washington
*sigh* She was my best TV girl as Olivia Pope, before there was Annalise Keating, but she often stumbles style wise. This look was an epic fail in my opinion. For starters, the colour is too sweet for this event. And then the shape of the dress was like – OMG, was she planning to smuggle her Nigerian in-laws into America underneath this dress? The back sef looks like a parachute that will open up any moment. Why did she allow Prada do this to her?
Kris Jenner
*rolls eyes from Abuja to Atlanta* Like, can one ever avoid this woman and her family? They are always everywhere. The Kardashian matriarch looked so ridiculous in this dress, that she should not have bothered. I can tell she is wearing all the waist trainers in Calabasas, and that makes her look uncomfortable, plus that belt is not helping matters. Was she ever a wrestler? And a dress the same color as the carpet? Plus earrings that can serve as dumbbells? Lol. Aunty Kris, rest abeg.
Angelina Jolie holds the patent on the stuck-out-leg biko. And what’s up with her face? Stretched too tight… Botox uwa niile *long hiss*
Chloe Sevigny
Oh wow, the Salvation Army is clothing homeless people and sending them down red carpets. How noble of them.
Anna Wintour
I am going to die for this, but Anna, who is the holy grail of fashion, looks ridic in this get up. What was she going for? Christian-mother-blouse meets Rihanna-chic? Abeg, abeg! For the editor of the world’s biggest fashion bible, she fell flat on her face. She should have tied two Hollandis wrappers over that gown, at least to save face.
Grace Coddington
I believe this woman was a diehard party girl in her lifetime who died and had to get up just for the Met Gala. She was buried in her PJs anyways; that explains why she is wearing them, because that is what she came back from the dead in.
Miguel
Too much money + too little style equals this. It seems to me that oyibo people clearly have their own version of Kaycee. #NnaBobosAnonymous
After careful consideration, my best dressed of the night goes to RIHANNA. She brought it this time around.
And the worst dressed is GRACE CODDINGTON. Girl, I know that this event has a geisha theme, but this event is for the living and not dead people in their PJs.
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56 Comments
JArch
May 11, 05:12John Ocean abi John Stream
Them send you for me on this fine Monday morning. My MFM and deeper life pastors are on your case. Una no go send me go village… Kontinuoo
Philip
May 11, 05:20This is beginning to look like the Buhari trekkers
Jamie
May 11, 05:23Ermm… The Bee isn’t alone. Thank goodness you said way less!!
Khristopher B!
May 11, 05:26Say what you like, but Miguel’s red suit look was on FIRE! Worst looking was Miley cyrus and Kris Jenner. That woman reaches way too much.
Meanwhile, is Lenny Kravitz really 50? That man is a living vampire! sexy and still as young as fuck!
pinkpanthertb
May 11, 05:29I swear. He and Pharrell Williams may have finally discovered that Sorcerer’s Stone that Voldemort was looking for in Harry Potter 1.
Eros
May 11, 06:50Dont even go there. Dont. Just. Go. There.
pinkpanthertb
May 11, 06:53Hi, Eros. I was expecting you. 😀
Ace
May 11, 05:40This looks like a good morning read. I’ll read it laughing on my way out. Lemme go read the top story.
Dennis Macaulay
May 11, 06:02If Miguel had worn a suit in another shade of red, maybe very deep red not same as the red carpet he would have been a winner. He was a mess IMO
Thankgod someone agrees with me on beyonce! This has gotten old we have seen way to much!
Kris Jenner sha, aint noborry stopping her with her 2 daughters on the red carpet.
Mw I missed Lupita, Diane Krugger, January Jones, Heidi Klum where were they?
pinkpanthertb
May 11, 06:03And Giselle Bundchen
Dennis Macaulay
May 11, 06:14Yes that Hustler that hustled Tom Brady from under my nose! I hope she trips and falls flat on her face
pinkpanthertb
May 11, 06:17Hahahahahahaa. I bet Tom Brady’s first baby mama would also agree with you.
Peak
May 11, 06:36**sigh**
pinkpanthertb
May 11, 06:41What? No inflamed responses from you today? lol
Peak
May 11, 07:43Dear PP I have been holding my breath since yesterday for john to give proper critique/analysis/review and I’m just ……………………….after reading this.
Katie dish water holmes did good? In what planet dakun?
KD is the only place where I can blab endlessly about red carpet looks, fashion and art without fear that ppl would look at me as if I’m mentally challenged, and just reading through and realising that gay men here aren’t as passionate about fashion as I was led to believe is just heart wrenching
Dennis Macaulay
May 11, 07:58Peak Katie Holmes has never really been a fashion girl. She is always sweet but not fashionable, to me she look great too.
I love the hair, I think she looks fresh and happy
trystham
May 11, 08:14But Katie’s aso was regular na. I have seen the cut in so many Chinese movies now.
Eros
May 11, 06:59Finally the Beehive has gotten the message. Beyonce is getting old abeg, showing your bumbum upandan on the red carpet is a sign of bone deep struggle. A self proclaimed Queen like you shouldnt stoop so low abeg.
*sprays insecticide on the red carpet*
And as for the Kardashians, I heard that Kris Jenner tried to release more of there nudes and hackers stopped her.
pinkpanthertb
May 11, 07:07Hahahahahahaa. Eros oooo
Mercury
May 11, 07:24Lol….die bees,die!!!!
trystham
May 11, 08:08They stopped her from releasing her nudes? *rotfl* This is a mess
Masked Man
May 11, 07:28Justin Bieber……DM’s specs exactly.
Anyway, he’s graduating from a twink into a young handsome man.
He’s the best dressed male for me.
George Clooney just didn’t allow Amal shine as she could have. She too pretty, but he’s way prettier.
Dennis Macaulay
May 11, 07:50Did someone just mention my name? Me I like beiber oh, but he is tilting towards akpan-ization so I am observing
Masked Man
May 11, 08:15Everyone is not an Akpan, DM.
JB is becoming smoking hot. One of the most sought after.
Peak
May 11, 08:25Akpan-ization? but u were caught sounding pressed over tom brady in the above comment, yes? Make up ur mind if u are team twink or team toned (akpan according to u).U call them akpan but u are always dessert thirsty for toned men, U ve been seen on different occasions and countless times queuing up will fellow thirsty groupies in front of yobo, C. Ronaldo, David Beckham, David macintosh just to mention but a few.lol oga make up ur mind, life is too short to be claiming team twink when u want more.
Masked Man
May 11, 08:46Peak, you just had to do that, right?
Lol. Vexed much.
Chris
May 11, 09:01@Peak, e be like say you ve a point, i know you didnt mean to shade though:)
Max
May 11, 09:07Thanks Peak, someone just had to do it. I’m tired of hearing his Akpan blabs when he trips and falls on toned men’s D’s all the time.
Deola
May 11, 09:50***strolls past and sees Peak’s comment! Stirs honey into tea Takes big sip***
Teflondon
May 11, 10:45Deola the tea-thing is getting old.
#JustSaying
Deola
May 11, 11:29Lmao…oga tef mushin, you will do well to side step when it comes to my matter. Just stay in that lane where you are eh. You know how us muslims are born to cause Havoc abi… #JustSaying
Mercury
May 11, 13:23@ Deola, you did it didn’t you!!!!, Hell awaits you. LMAO
Masked Man
May 11, 14:28Deola ohhh…..lmao
Bobby
May 11, 07:39…coudnt stop laughing. .lmao
Diablo
May 11, 07:53Yes Beyonce’s outfit was generic and bland but she carried it with such swagger and confidence. She can wear a dead bat and still pull it off with her confidence and dts what fashion is abt rigght?
Worst Dressed : David Bukta or watevs.
Best Dressed ;: RIHANNA!!!
trystham
May 11, 08:04SJP was nice. The head-dress was in form.
The Goth queens, Katy Perry n Madonna playing at graffiti was a NO-NO.
Rihanna still gets a NO. It looks China made but maybe cos I just never like ‘akpoche’. *shrugs*
Katie Holmes – Regular
Solange was a gud piece. I loved how it fanned out like…well a hand fan. I wonder y lots were tripping
Neil n David – Shit aint no Opera starring y’all s guest conductors. Hian!!! They be standing like the wand got stuck in their butts.
Anna Hathaway dressed like Little Red Riding Hood
Kate Hudson was great jare. No hate
Lady Gaga dressed accordingly
Lisa Bonnet…wtf is that on ur face? Oil painting? Dress is common tho. Style is according
Kris Jenner looks made up like a retired nut actively serving geisha
Anna Wintour looks like a Nigerian Igbo woman with her puffed up shoulders
Did that woman wear PJs to a party???? Oh well. She’s old. The design looks chinese tho
pinkpanthertb
May 11, 08:06Trys, point of correction. Anne Hathaway – Little Gold Riding Hood.
Chris
May 11, 09:10This is what i called bold and blunt critique
Osheey!
Ruby
May 11, 08:16I hate to say this but Queen Bee… I love you and your Music but I’m honestly getting Tired of the Nudey Nudey drama you are acting *ask JLo for tips on how to Rock the Nude trend properly without goin Overboard if you must or create a Rapport with Zuhair Murad and Elie Saab (it’ll yield more fruits than you know)*
Oh Kim West did you forget that Beyonce wore this dress 3yrs ago 2 the same event??? Btw: try restraining yo Momma so she doesn’t embarass you, herself and the Kardashian Clan next year ok
Miley… Someone please take her to the fattening room stat
Miguel… Nice Looking Chili Pepper
Grace Coddington… Look I got a new toilet Brush with a shiny Blue Body
Anna Wintour… Aye Caramba that’s one craaaaaaazy looking Jalapeno
Kerry… Parachute Queen
Katy Perry n Madonna… Stunning
SJP… Speechless
Neil, David, Justin, Lenny… AmazeBalls
Amal… I Loooooooooooooooooove
Gaga… Hot Cray Cray
Solange… Flawless
RiRi… Gorgeous Risk
I’ve said enough Mbok
Masked Man
May 11, 08:30Ruby nwannem,
Kerry….parachute queen,
Lmaoooo
Peak
May 11, 08:57Kerry’s dress is actually good especially if you take into account how she paired it with those amazing shoes and purse. I liked the cut of the dress at the back, and how it flowed down to give it a ball gown look.
The look failed cos its too young for her, its the Met gala not teen choice award and the look strayed seriously from the theme of the event.
Masked Man
May 11, 09:36That look was first rocked by Taylor Swift at the Oscars this year, in a very sweet way.
Check it out.
KryxxX
May 11, 09:09Mbanu!
Asi!
Big Lie!
I could agree on anything you wrote here but am definitely not accepting what you wrote on………………
ZENDAYA COLEMAN!
BIG! FAT! LIE!
She infused d chic into Chinese! Hellooooooooooooooooo!
The style, design, pattern, carriage, hair! Don’t get me started!
As for the ppl(My queen *weeps*, Kim nd J.lo) that literally took just d looking glass theme nd left d Chinese part of it eh……lets just say we have had enough of d looking glass but we haven’t seen any camel toe shaa!
Neil nd his man looked hideous in those long tailed jackets! His boo was even worst! And that pose? Smh!
Biko y those dis FKA Twigs always look like she is perpetually smelling poop or has it on her nose! Nd her look to Cochella was………… Lets just move. Case moved to Joan Rivers in d other world!
As for Miley nd Lady Gaga eh *heavy sigh*…………………….. Jesus please take d wheel.
Peak
May 11, 09:33KryxxX my dear brother in the Gay!
I just de hold my sef no be small, john disappoint me into a speechless state. Zandaya coleman finish that red carpet! Her look was simple, fresh, youthful and most importantly in line with the theme. And the cut of the other half of the dress and how it cascaded into a train.
Jlo’s dress actually had the china theme (red trafional dragon) but I was on impressed, cos I ve seen her in similar cuts in the past.
Masked Man
May 11, 09:39‘My brother in the gay’?
**wide eyed**
AC/DC
May 11, 09:13You know that’s the end when beyonce looks like all those ayilara asewos in lagos.
Solange looks stupid.
I like selena’s look ….. Simple but classy.
Masked Man
May 11, 09:31Me too. Selena’s simplicity.
IVANKO
May 11, 09:15Kim K dress (Perfection), nude is d new normal because of people like her…. exactly why she’s my role model loll……. (Not intrested if u have any problem with that)
Riri can’t do wrong when it comes to fashion, check out what she wore to met Gala after party…..
Justin B hmmmm me like it, sun glass or not……
THE KWEEN! I don’t knw what to say oooo before some people chop off my head, but I think she’s over doing it dis days, haba she’s THE QUEEN B of all queens for crying out loud
As for Miguel he can have me anytime any day,… His shoes tho. (Ugly)
Peak
May 11, 09:25What! I love miguel’s shows. He was well fitted and the shirt is just perfection. His only crime is the color of that damn suit.
Masked Man
May 11, 09:34Miguel is well dressed to perfection. If only the carpet was another colour.
victor
May 11, 11:02All I know is that when beyonce walked into that red carpet,she just stopped the world, I have noticed that most ppo like to speak I’ll of beyonce to make her fans angry, who said a mother can’t dress sexyy?
Teflondon
May 11, 11:05John Ocean.. This was a lovely read.. You should really consider starting a fashion show..
I laughed hard reading your piece and the comments.. Since Im not a fan of fashion but football.. Ill rather observe today.
Let me just add my bit Tho
Rihanna can do no wrong (Fashion-wise)
Queen B disappointed BIG TIME! She’s the F’ing Queen.. She don’t have to go all Kim K on us to remain relevant.. She’s got an abundance of talent and beauty to sustain her relevance.
Kris Jenner Madam never cease to Amaze me.. Her struggle for relevance even shocks me the more by each passing day. I hope she dont release her nudes soon.. Wouldn’t be surprised tho*
My best dressed
Amal clooney
Worst dressed
The woman in PJ’s
N.B
Miguel looked swt by the way don’t know what John Ocean was on abt.. You gonna fail a swt good looking chocolatey hunk like that just cause he wore the same colour as the red carpet?
Sinnex
May 11, 13:42Nice post….I guess!
I never knew guys actually watch red carpet shows….na wa oooo….see how everyone is talking about what someone wore to a programme somewhere.
This made for a good read tho. I am waiting for when you’d do one for Naija entertainment stars. I don’t even know half of the people you mentioned sef.
pinkpanthertb
May 11, 14:23Sinnex, he has already done a segment on Nigerian stars. You didn’t read the AMVCA post?
Flakes
May 11, 16:22Oh wow! I enjoyed this review, nice one John, I bet Joan (rest her soul) would be wearing a huge smile of ‘you-no-fall-my-hand’ on her overtly-botoxed-and-plastic-surgeoned-expressionless-face for this.
Justin Beiber and Rihanna did it for me. They just nailed it!
dikamichaels
May 11, 20:56lmao. biko.. I thought that Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka pic was from last years met gala?