K’osidim n’obi (Entry 8)

I haven’t seen Alor in ages. He’s been mad at me, angry since I started dating Marv. Since, in his own words, I “proved my oddity beyond all doubt by dating a fellow Bottom.” Saying it out loud now makes me see how cringe-worthy his statement was. Incredibly childish. I’d laughed over his remarks when he made them, thinking it was just him being his usual dramatic self. But the drama has dragged on for the three months I’ve been with Marv. And that – not being in contact with my friend – honestly doesn’t bother me as I’d always thought it would. Weirdly enough, very few things bother me these days – those things that I had thought worth dying for before: a flawless body; an ‘all man-man’, as Alor and I used to tag it; the approval of others. All of these seem so stupid when I look back on them now. Amaka calls it maturity. I just think it’s me finally getting my priorities in order. The stability Marv brought in could be credited too.

Awhile ago, Amaka and I were at a video shoot; there, I met a young girl. Let’s call her Faua. Faua is small, beautiful, so beautiful. I enjoyed dressing her; she is bold and has a body that gave my dresses this strong presence. We talked a lot that day, and I noticed the way she kept staring at Amaka, kept smiling at my cousin. I didn’t think anything of it until I got home tired one evening to find Faua lounging and bantering with Amaka.

“Ah Kainene, you remember Faua,” Amaka called out to me.

I smiled at them. I found this association a bit odd. Why, you ask. Well, Amaka hates hanging out with girls, especially those as beautiful as Faua. At 22, she is vain like that. She only ever hangs out with boys, although I remember the discomfort she always felt around her ex, Biola, because she felt he was prettier than her.

I exchanged pleasantries with the beaming Faua, and then left to get something to eat.

After that day, I began to notice a distance start to yawn between Amaka and I. She began getting extremely secretive, I knew something was going on and it ate at me. We never had secrets.

“Give her time, love. She’ll come around,” Marv would tell me whenever I complained to him, but his soothing voice did nothing to calm me.

Then I was home one night last week. My parents were out of the house. I didn’t even know we had company in the house till I heard a loud bang. I rushed out of my room in time to see a teary Faua rush out from the house, Amaka hot on her heels. Amaka then hesitated at the front doorway and came back into the house looking tragic.

“What was that!” I asked, very bewildered.

“Oh shut up, will you!” she shrieked. “And go back to patching pillows or whatever it is you do in your spare time!”

She swept past me and, with a sharp flick of her wrist, she banged her bedroom door shut. I stood there like a statue, stunned by her aggression, confused by what was going on, and determined to find out what was wrong. I went after her and pushed open the door. Something small whizzed past my ear.

“Go away!” Amaka shouted before throwing the second shoe.

My own anger peaked and I leapt at her, grabbing her hand. “Will you fucking tell me what’s wrong!”

She struggled for a while, and then gave up as a sob escaped her. “I kissed her… I kissed her and she ran away…”

Huh? My head began reeling.

Amaka nodded as though in answer to my voicing out my surprise. “It was just different. I knew I felt something for her but it was just odd. I mean, I’ve always, always liked boys. So then, what is this…” Her face twisted with pain.

“It’s fine. It’s fine.” I held her, unable to say anything else as she cried.

“Now my head is clear, I know,” she said in between her sobs. “I mean, she came out to me weeks ago. I thought I was helping her unwind and be free. I mean, she’s heavily closeted…even worse than you used to be –”

“Hey!” I looked at her.

She smiled through her tears. “You know what I mean joor.”

We laughed for a moment.

“So what will you do? What about Hugo…?”

Hugo was her boyfriend.

Amaka’s face twisted with pain again. “I’m confused, Kainene. This is confusing.” She twisted her fingers in her laps. “I love Hugo a lot, but… Faua is…” She trailed off.

I placed a hand on her intertwined fingers, trying to still their agitation.

“We’ll figure this out together,” I said to her.

She looked hopefully at me.

“We will. Just give me time to think.”

She nodded. “Promise you won’t tell anyone though, for now at least.”

I nodded, not voicing the promise. I knew I had to seek help. I am fucking confused on how to help her. Thankfully, because of her lost phone, I’m not sure Amaka will be accessing Kito Diaries for a while, and that’s why I’m bringing it up here. Hopefully, by the time she gets back on here, this entry would have moved on so far away for her to bother.

Amaka has always been interested in boys. She’s been dating Hugo, who I’m friendly with, for five months. But she clearly has deep feelings for Faua, however confusing they are. I want to encourage her to explore her sexuality, to dive in, but I feel very guilty over Hugo in the picture. For the first time in a long time, I find myself at a loss on how to solve a problem. But I can’t let this on to her. She is trusting me to help her figure this out.

Can I get any help for you guys?

Written by Kainene